The Heartbreak Cafe (25 page)

By now
tears were streaming down her cheeks. ‘Wow, now I completely
understand why Mum left you – you’re nothing but a heartless
bastard!’ she cried.

At this
Patrick’s head snapped up, almost as if she’d slapped him and Nina
immediately felt guilty. She didn’t mean to say that; hadn’t meant
to be so mean, so nasty. Although his expression was impassive, his
face flushed and it was clear that she had hurt him.

She tried
her best to take it back. ‘Dad … I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said
that… I didn’t mean it.’ She stretched out her hands, not sure if
she wanted to embrace him, or just entreat him not to walk
away.

But
Patrick wouldn’t look at her. He just stood there blankly, the side
of his mouth twitching, and Nina sorely wished she could read his
thoughts. ‘Dad? Really I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of those
things.’

Little by
little his face lost its colour. ‘This isn’t right Nina. You’ll
see.’

‘
What …?’ She stared at him perplexed. Was he so bound by
religion that he couldn’t see past the morals and try and
understand what his daughter was going through? Or try to
understand how bloody difficult and confusing this was for her?
Some of her earlier anger simmered beneath the surface and she
fought hard against lashing out again. No, she would not do that,
she would not give him the satisfaction.

‘
Fine,’ she said finally. ‘Don’t worry yourself about any of
this. I won’t be here much longer. As soon as I can I’ll get out of
your hair and take my problems with me.’ She placed a protective
hand over her stomach, oddly guilty about referring out loud to it
as a ‘problem’.

Patrick
looked at her with an expression so unreadable it was confounding.
It was like he was a million miles away … as if he’d suddenly
forgotten what they were talking about.

‘
Well?’ she asked, throwing up her hands in exasperation. ‘Is
that all? Am I free to go back upstairs now?’

‘
Of course you are, Nina.’

‘
Fine. And just to let you know that as soon as Mum gets back,
I’m out of here.’

‘
Yes, that’s a good idea,’ he said, all agreeable
now.

Nina
turned on her heel, annoyed and now feeling almost trapped by this
house. She pounded up the stairs to her room and collapsed on to
the bed, still shaken by the encounter.

She
crawled under the covers, not bothering to take off her clothes and
found herself crying again. Damn hormones, she thought, always
crying at the drop of the hat. Although this time there was of
course more to it.

She
reached for her mobile phone on the bedside locker and
automatically dialled her mother’s number.

It went
straight to voicemail. ‘Hi Mum, it’s me, Nina,’ she said, trying to
control her sniffles so it wouldn’t sound like she’d been crying.
‘I know we spoke this morning and you’re probably on the road now
but …’ Then she paused, wondering what she was trying to achieve.
The last thing she should do was make a huge fuss and have her
mother worrying about her. Yet, at a time like this, it was
incredibly difficult not having Cathy to talk to. All throughout
Nina’s life, her mother was always her first port of call, but
really this wasn’t the time. She took a deep breath. ‘Anyway, I
just wanted to say hi and I hope you and Tony are having a really
good time. Talk soon.’ She hung up the phone and stared at it for
another moment, almost willing it to ring, willing her mother to
have already listened to her message and to call her back. But he
phone stayed silent.

She lay
back down on the pillow and closed her eyes. What had Patrick meant
when he said that she was just like her mother? Was he still so
angry with Cathy for leaving him that he believed her to be a bad
person? Nina couldn’t understand most of what he said at the best
of times, never mind the riddles he’d come out with just
now.

She
clasped her eyes shut. Regardless of what he had said, she wished
she could take back her own biting comments, she had said them just
out of spite and that wasn’t like her. Still, it was notable that
Patrick had displayed some kind of emotion about that, when he
usually behaved as if he cared about nothing

But he
had obviously cared about her mother.

Nina
decided not to ponder it; the main thing was she knew she had to
get out of here as soon as possible.

She
laughed bitterly; realising yet again that she’d been forced out on
her backside by the actions of a heartless male. Thinking of Steve
she felt her heart harden. She wondered where he was right now,
what he was doing.

Mostly,
she loathed the fact that her baby would have any of his genes. She
wanted to scream, at someone, anyone. She thought about picking up
the phone and calling Steve to bawl him out again, but fear got the
best of her. If anyone else happened to answer his phone, it would
be just too much for her, and she didn’t think she could take any
more emotional outbursts today.

She
curled up in bed and tried to calm her thoughts. It was a pity
because all in all, things had been looking up in Lakeview; she had
some friends, a job and developed a somewhat civil relationship
with her father. But now that relationship was back to the tense
place it had been before.

She
didn’t want to live here but still, she had nowhere else to
go.

Recalling
Patrick’s religious reference, Nina again realised this was truly
was like living in purgatory and she couldn’t help wondering – as
his words echoed through her brain – if her mother had felt the
same way.

Jess was
not in a good mood. It had now been six weeks since she’d stopped
taking the pill and still she hadn’t managed to talk Brian
round.

To top it
all off, she’d got her period that morning, which for some reason
had put her in dire form. OK, so she knew the chance of her
conceiving so soon had been slim, but now that she’d set off down
the path of letting nature take its course, nothing happening
almost felt like a personal affront, and she was offended by the
thought that she hadn’t succeeded on the first go. After all, she
usually succeeded at anything she put her mind to and had hoped
that becoming a mother would be the same.

Still,
maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Who knew what kind of a
reaction Brian would have if he discovered she’d gone ahead and
stopped taking the pill without consulting him? And in truth, Jess
felt kind of guilty about that, but she’d been so sure she would be
able to talk him round in the meantime that it didn’t feel like she
was doing anything wrong. She’d tried to convince herself that her
husband would only thank her once they had a beautiful little
daughter or son to play with.

She
winced as she was hit with yet another menstrual cramp.

It didn’t
help that Brian still wouldn’t really talk about it, and while
they’d skirted around the subject a few times since she’d first
broached it, some kind of problem at work had surfaced in the
meantime, which meant that much of his concentration had been on
that.

‘
Sweetheart, I know what you’re like when you get an idea into
your head. But the more I hear about it, the more convinced I am
that this sudden maternal urge is all about feeling left out by the
girls,’ he’d said, when Jess had stupidly mentioned something about
a recent outing with Deirdre and Emer. ‘And as I said, that’s no
basis for a decision.’ Thankfully, he still had no idea that as far
as the girls were concerned a decision had already been
made.

But no
matter how much Jess tried to draw him away from that excuse and
more towards the matter of her age, he wouldn’t hear of
it.

‘
You can be like a dog with a bone sometimes,’ he said
exasperated. ‘But this isn’t one of your work projects Jess; it’s a
lifetime commitment, and it’s not one we should enter until both of
us are sure we want it right now. And to be honest, I know I’m not
certain we’re ready just yet.’

‘
But why not?’ Jess demanded. ‘We love each other loads, have a
great life, good jobs – we are ideally positioned to start a family
now.’

‘
Exactly. We have a great life. I’m not so sure I’m willing to
give up all the fun and freedom for late night feeds and dirty
nappies. And I don’t think you are either, but you just won’t admit
it.’

She hated
that he was being so pessimistic about it all and especially hated
that he usually tried to distract her from the subject with talk of
parties and trips, when she’d made a point of the fact that she
wasn’t necessarily interested in any of those things anymore. She
was an adult and there was more to life than shopping and
holidays.

Oddly
though, when he did manage to get her to a party, she tended to
forget all about babies and was easily able to throw herself into
the thick of the revelry. She wondered what that said about her,
was she really that vacuous that she could be so easily
dissuaded?

With this
new set of issues on her brain, Jess set out on the drive to
Lakeview for yet another visit to Emer. Thanks to their newly
shared interest in all things baby-related, the friendship was now
fully restored and in truth, Jess relished spending time not only
with Emer but her little daughter too. It was good practice and
Emer was only too happy to fill her in and help her learn all the
things there was to know about raising a child.

Some time
later, she arrived at her friend’s house, her thoughts so
preoccupied she hardly remembered the drive there. Getting out of
the car, she headed to the front porch. She was a little earlier
than their agreed time – hopefully Emer wouldn’t mind.

But as
she was about to ring the doorbell, she thought she heard raised
voices from within.

Jess
looked around to see if anyone was observing her standing there.
She wondered if she should just get back in the car and drive
around for a while as the last thing she wanted was to interrupt
any awkward situation. From the inside of the house she heard Emer
say, ‘That’s just the thing Dave, you are never here! I never get
any help!’

‘
What are you talking about? You’re the one who wanted a house
full of kids, a huge house in the country. Didn’t you realise that
it would come with a price?’

‘
Yes but all those extra hours? I’m starting to feel like a
single parent!’

‘
Well how the hell do you expect us to pay for all this?’ he
retorted and Jess blanched, suddenly understanding the real reason
behind Emer’s barbed comments about her clothes and spending of
late. It wasn’t that she begrudged her; but more that cash was
obviously scarce in her own household, and this was starting to
affect her marriage.

Now Jess
felt guiltier than ever for being so flash with her spending
recently. To Emer it surely would have looked as though she was
rubbing her nose in it. Yet until now, Jess had had no real idea
…

‘
Look I told you from the start that I didn’t necessarily
want….’ Dave’s voice continued, and again, Jess’s interest was
piqued. What didn’t Dave want? The move to Lakeview? Or perhaps a
baby?

But she
was unable to think about it for much longer as on the other side
of the door, she heard loud footsteps approach. Yikes!

If she
didn’t do something soon, whoever was on the other side would open
it up and see her standing there. Fumbling for the doorbell, she
accidentally pushed it twice.

‘
Bloody hell – where’s the fire?’ The door swung open and there
Dave stood in his work suit. His face was flushed and angry, and at
that moment, Jess felt about two feet tall, terrified he and Emer
would realise she had heard every word.

‘
Oh, hello Dave. Didn’t expect to see you home,’ she said with
an affected smile.

He
snorted derisively. ‘Yeah, I’m sure my lovely wife talks your ear
off about it.’

‘
What?’

‘
Don’t mind him,’ Emer said, coming into view and Jess could
tell her friend was trying her utmost to compose herself. ‘Dave is
just a bit … stressed out with work at the moment, aren’t you,
love?’

‘
Yes love – that’s what it is, stress,’ Dave answered, ice in
his voice. ‘Anyway, I’ll leave you two to chat and shop or whatever
it is housewives do,’ he added nastily, especially given that one
of them wasn’t a housewife.

He picked
up his briefcase and walked out of the house, loudly rattling the
doorframe as he left.

‘
Um, is this a bad time?’ Jess asked. ‘I know I’m early but
could we do this another time if … you know … you’re not up for
it.’

Emer
stared at her blankly. ‘What are you on about? Everything’s fine.
Come on in. Amy’s having a nap so with any luck we’ve just enough
time for a cuppa before she wakes up.’

Jess
followed her into the kitchen. ‘Are you sure you’re all right? Dave
seemed a bit … stressed out.’

Emer
flushed so brightly Jess was instantly sorry she’d said anything.
‘Not at all, it’s fine.’

But Jess
barely heard her; she was too busy staring at the broken glass on
the kitchen floor, curiously close to the wall.