The Honor Trilogy: Books One, Two, and Three of the Honor Trilogy (41 page)

“Don’t be sad, Eeth. I’ll be fine. I’m getting my diploma in the mail. It’s no big deal.” Honor is smiling, but I know it’s just a front. It’s in her eyes – she wants to graduate with her friends. The whole reason she talked her mother into allowing her to go to public school in the first place was to experience her senior year the way it should be experienced. Now the very events she’d wanted to be a part of are the ones that were taken away from her.

“Well, I
am
sad. But…at least we have tonight,” I remind her. Tamlin, Shelby and I are skipping Project Graduation and having our own party in Honor’s backyard. Her parents had asked us if we’d want to celebrate our graduations this weekend, but Shelby suggested we do it right on graduation night.

“Exactly. I’ll be helping Mom set up while you guys are out, so don’t worry about me. I’ll be plenty busy.”

Her neck is warm when, with both hands, I push her hair back behind her shoulders. My hands linger on her neck as I pull her forward and descend my mouth on hers. An electric buzz is sent from my lips throughout my limbs. My stomach knots because I’m afraid of rejection. But when several seconds pass and her kiss is still strong, my anxiety level decreases. I relax into the kiss and crush her against the side of the house, not caring who can see us from the street. The feel of her sleek form as I run my hands down the length of it sends another bolt of electricity racing through my body. Her hips, though small, beneath my hands feel sexy and erotic. I miss kissing Honor. I miss her touch. As her sweet tongue dances with mine, I can’t help but want more. I move my hands up beneath the hem of her shirt and enjoy the soft warmth of her skin.

Her tongue stops mid-dance. Though her lips are still pressed lightly against mine, I feel her hesitation. As much as I’d like to ignore her apprehension, I don’t want to push her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do. I detach my lips from hers, feeling cold, alone, and dejected.

“I’m sorry, Honor,” I offer.

“No. I am,” she whispers, placing one hand on my chest. “I’m so sorry. I keep…I…I keep leading you on and I don’t…don’t mean to. I like you,
Eeth. But…I’m not sure…”

I nod, taking a step back.

“I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now.”

She takes a step toward me, but for each step forward she takes, I take one back…tumbling backwards over the porch rail.

“Oh my God, Ethan.” Honor jumps over the edge, landing on her feet next to my sprawled out body. “Oh my God.”

Lucky for me, I land on the grass in front of Honor’s house and not against the stone wall that stands five feet from her porch.

“Ethan. Are you okay?” She’s panicked.

I grab her by the wrist and pull her on top of me. She lands on the ground with her elbows next to my ears. “I’m good, Hon.” I tickle her stomach to make her laugh.

She does.

“I guess you’re not hurt?” She laughs, sitting on the ground next to me.

“Nah. I’m good.” I sit up and give her a side hug.

“Were you like afraid of me or something? Why were you backing away from me?”

“So I could take a tumble over your porch?” I joke, picking at a blade of grass.

“Seriously,
Eeth. Why?” Honor is picking on some blades of grass as well.

I need to be honest with her. “Because.” The words are stuck in my throat.

“Because why?” Honor pushes her knees up to her chest, hugging them the way I wish I could hug her.

“Because I want more from you than you can give me,” I say in one breath. “Because I love you.” I turn to look her directly in the eyes. “The way a boy loves a girl when he’s madly in love with her.” Trying hard to smile, I’m sure it comes off as creepy. To smile through sadness is unnatural for me.

“Oh,” she says, returning her attention to the blades of grass.

I can almost see the thoughts churning in her mind. If only I could
read
them.

“Honor, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” Nor did I mean to make myself uncomfortable either.

“Storm, it’s just…I mean Ethan. Oh my God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“I get it, Hon, you love Storm.” The wrenching in my heart hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt.

“No, Ethan, that’s not it. I just…I can’t get him out of my mind. I’m worried about him. As strong as he seems, I’m not quite so sure he’s so stable.” Now she’s picking the grass so fast that her front lawn is going to be one huge patch of dirt. “What if he, like, hurt himself or something?”

I doubt he would, but her feelings are real and I must not undermine them. “He’s strong-headed, Honor, but I don’t think he’s stupid. I’m sure he hasn’t hurt himself. Please don’t worry, it’s not good for you.”

“But, Eeth, what if I’m worrying because my empathic feelings are causing me to worry?” A tiny tear escapes the corner of her eye.

“Well,” I say, taking her hand and saving the lawn, “if that were the case, I think I would be feeling it too. And I’m not.”

She allows me to keep holding her hand, so I run my thumb along the space above her wrist. “But…you’re so closed off. Maybe you just
can’t
feel it.”

Patting her hand with my free hand, I reassure her. “Unfortunately…since healing you that day in the hospital, my emotions won’t let me block out anything. Hazards of the job, I guess.” I laugh, to make sure she knows I don’t regret saving her life…well at least saving her from her wounds. It’s a shame I couldn’t save her heart.

“Really?” she asks, her eyebrows lifting high. “You’re
feeling
again?”

“Yup.” I pull her up to stand. “I better get going. I am so late for graduation.” I kiss her on the nose and tell her I’ll be back soon.

Because the graduation ceremony is so boring, I text Tamlin to tell her that Honor called me Storm. Of course she texts back with an LMAO. After she gets my text telling her to grow up, Tamlin responds wit
h
He’s probably just on her mind ‘cause he’s missing.

“Yeah, that’s what
she
said,” I text her back.

The rest of the ceremony drags on until Storm’s name is called before I even get to retrieve my diploma. Everyone starts chattering about Storm, and even the principal who’s handing me my diploma pays no attention to me. My cell buzzes.

When I get back to my seat, Tamlin’s name flashes on my screen
–
LMAO. Storm. That was funny, don’t you think?”

Yeah. Funny that Storm steals my spotlight once agai
n
is how I answer her text.

I get a
n
LO
L
from her.

Once graduation gets back on track, it doesn’t take long to finish out the alphabet. Then the principal asks for a moment of silence to think about Honor and pray she gets the heart she needs. It’s ironic, because I’m sure many of our classmates barely got to know Honor since she was new this year. Do they even know that the heart she currently has is the most generous and worthy heart any one can have? Do they even know how special her heart truly is? Probably not. Hopefully they’ll ask God that a new heart come her way anyway.

We sing one last song and toss our caps in the air. My classmates may be in a celebrating mood, but my mind is on Honor.
Will she find a heart in time? Will her body be able to handle the new heart and not reject it? Will she realize she doesn’t want Storm and fall in love with me?

After grabbing Elijah and Hunter from the stands, I meet Tamlin and Shelby in the parking lot and follow them to Honor’s house. An angel in a long pink sundress and silver flip-flops is lighting candles around the backyard. The flames give her straight waist-length hair a celestial glow, while the moon makes her smile more radiant than usual. Honor is breathtaking under the moonlight, and I am a boy who can’t stop looking at her.

“Hey guys,” Honor says when she finally sees us walking into the yard. “How was graduation?”

“Good,” we all seem to say in unison.

We all give Honor a celebratory hug then huddle around the fire pit that her dad set up for us – complete with all the snacks we could ask for. This time, instead of pairing off into separate conversations, we all talk together. Most of it lighthearted and cheerful – an unspoken vow to keep Honor smiling. And she is. I’m so proud of her for putting on a smile in spite of her broken heart.

Elijah, who incidentally was dumped by Tamlin according to Hunter’s outburst in the car on the way over, suddenly belts out the first chorus of Queen’s "Bohemian Rhapsody." After everyone stops laughing out loud, we all jump in and join him, trying hard to keep our laughter in check. And when Hunter hits the high notes at the end, we crack up so hard that we can’t finish the song.

“I didn’t know you were a soprano,” Shelby asks in between breathless chuckles.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about us Sutherlands, babe.” Hunter wiggles his eyebrows at Shelby.

And I can’t help but feel a little annoyed. “Shut-up, Hunter, she doesn’t need you making a move on her.” I say this without thinking and then get an inquisitive eyebrow raise from Shelby. Damn. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“Yeah, you don’t need those upper classmen, they’ll just dump you when they’re done with you,” Eli shouts, almost drunkenly, though I know we have no alcohol here.

“Shut up, Eli,” Tamlin adds.

“C’mon, guys. We were just having fun. Stop the bickering.” Everyone stills at Honor’s request.

“Sorry, Honor,” Tamlin’s the first to apologize.

“Yeah, sorry,” Eli and I say at the same time.

“Really, I am,” I whisper in her ear.

Honor looks at me and then really peers into my eyes. “You like Shelby, Eeth?” she whispers back.

I shake my head.

She nods.

But my earlier declaration of being madly in love with Honor has probably lost any credibility in her eyes now. Though I still very much am madly in love with her.

The singing continues, this time with that old song the day the music died or something. But rather than join in with the karaoke imitation, I tap Honor on the shoulder and silently ask her to follow me to the diving board.

We sit dangling our bare feet over the edge. “I don’t like Shelby, you know.” I feel the need to tell her this.

“It’s okay, Ethan. I don’t need an explanation, it’s not like we’re, you know…”

That hurt. “I did think there was something between us though.” My head is down. I can’t look her in the eye when she’s rejecting me.

Honor doesn’t say anything, so I force myself to look at her.

“I’ve been nothing but honest with how I feel about you, Honor. Even when I knew you didn’t feel the same way. I did not lie about loving you.”

“I know,” she says, turning away. “Why are you saying this again?”

“Because I don’t want you to think I like Shelby. That’s why.” I take her by the shoulder and make her look at me. “I don’t like Shelby,” I say shaking my head.

“That’s the thing, Eeth.” She looks down at her lap, but I once again make her look at me. When I hold her face with my two hands, she says, “It’s okay if you do. I’d actually prefer it if you did.”

I’m still holding her face, but she closes her eyes so she doesn’t have to read the pain in mine. Though I’m sure she’s feeling the pain.
Honor does not love me. She never will.
I drop my hands from her face, and rising from the board, I leave the yard…and go home.

Leaving her in the exact same way Storm had.

To assure Honor I am still in her life, I attend her dinner cruise birthday celebration three days later. I don’t drive in with her. Tamlin and Shelby have that honor. Instead, I meet everyone in Weehawken where the ship is docked. Hopefully Honor is excited when the girls tell her what they had planned – thanks to Tamlin’s father’s connections. They should have told Honor on the way to the cruise. All they had mentioned prior was that she had to wear a dress. So already I know my heart is in for a stomping. I cannot resist Honor in a dress.

But I wasn’t expecting to be swept off my feet by the looks of her in a tight, strapless, silver-sequined mini-dress with little poofs of silver roses trimming the bottom of it – the bottom of it only coming just above mid-thigh. I take a swallow. Honor’s legs go on for miles and miles before they end at the skimpiest,
strappiest silver heels. My hand actually flies to my chest, where I grab hold of my heart. It takes me a moment before I am able to restart my heart and move towards her – the silver goddess.
Oh how I wish she were mine.

“This is too much, Tam.” I overhear Honor say to Tamlin.

“Nah. That’s why it’s on a Monday. The ship is closed on Mondays, but because Daddy asked, they opened it for us. They didn’t mind at all, and neither did Daddy. So enjoy, Hon. You deserve it. We have the whole ship to ourselves.” Tamlin hooks her arm around Honor’s shoulders.

“Really?” Honor gasps. “Just us?”

“Well, yeah, just us, the waiters and waitresses, the captain, and of course Two-Way Street.” Tamlin and Shelby wait for Honor’s reaction.

“What?” Honor exclaims. “
Two-Way Street
is here? Oh my God, you’re kidding, right?”

“Nope. They were happy to be here.” Tamlin grabs Honor by the arm. “Now c’mon, they’re probably up on the ship already.”

As Tamlin pulls Honor up the ramp, Honor sees me standing there and waves me to follow. “Thank you for coming, Eeth,” she says when I reach them.

“I wouldn’t miss it.” Which is the truth. To see Honor happy and excited is worth reliving the heartbreak of my unrequited love. Honestly, though, I don’t need to be near Honor to relive the heartbreak. It’s something I do daily, with or without her presence near me.

When the maître d’ grabs Tamlin’s ear, Honor, Shelby and I take a walk around the ship. As we ascend the stairs to the upper deck, a mix of reverberating guitars and rhythmic drum beats thrums through the air, lighting up Honor’s face with a gigantic smile. “I can’t believe Two-Way Street
is here. I thought they were on tour.” Honor beams.

“They are,” Shelby says. “They came back to town for you.” Shelby takes hold of Honor’s hand. “C’mon, let’s say hi.”

Honor’s hand flies to her mouth. “Oh my God, I can’t. I’ve never met them before.”

“Really?” Shelby’s shocked.

“Well she was homeschooled most of her life.” I add. Not that I know the band either. Having just moved here this year, I’ve only heard everyone talking about them at school. I don’t even have any of their CDs, but apparently Honor does, because she’s star-struck.

“Keith, Matt,” Shelby calls, “bring over the band.” They come for Shelby, and I get a glimpse of that bully I saw in the beginning of the year. Not that she is being fresh, but she has her commanding personality on. It’s just another part of Shelby that I am intrigued by.

“Keith, Matt, Jenn, Tyler, Liam, this is Honor. Honor this is Two-Way Street.”

Honor blushes. “Hi.” She addresses them collectively.

“Hi, Honor. Happy Birthday,” the one Shelby introduced as Matt says.

“Yeah, Happy Birthday,”
Jenn and Keith say.

“We hear you're something special,” Liam says. “You’re all Tamlin talks about.”

Honor laughs.

“How come we’ve never seen you around,” Tyler says. “We only graduated two years ago, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before.”

“I, uh, just started going to Jefferson this year, so…yeah. I love your music though. I have both your CDs. You’re awesome.” Her smile could light up New York City it’s still so big. Her cheeks are going to hurt if she doesn’t tone it down. But it’s good. She’s happy. She’s ecstatic. Honor needs ecstatic.

“Hey,” Keith says. “We need to finish setting up. We’ll talk to you in a bit?”

“Sure,” all three of us say.

“See
ya later, Shel,” Matt says.

“That was so cool.” Honor reaches the side rail first. Then Shelby. I stand back, appreciating the silver sight in front of me. With the orange setting sun and the grayish blue rippling water, tiny shimmers of different colors dance up and down Honor’s dress as she leans over the railing – just enough to slide the silver hem a teensy bit higher. Again, my heart stops.

Tonight will not be easy for me.

“Honor,” Tamlin hollers running up the stairs. “You
gotta taste the shrimp.” Holding a shrimp in her hand, Tamlin feeds it to Honor. “C’mon, there’s more.” Tamlin grabs Honor by the arm and drags her down the stairs. All night Tamlin will be doing that, I’m sure.

I walk up to the rail to stand by Shelby. “No shrimp for you?” I ask her.

“Nah. I’ll let Tamlin spend some time with her. I’m new in this group. Remember?”

“Whoa.” The ship jolts. “Looks like we’re leaving port.”

“The party’s starting,” Hunter shouts behind us.

“When did you get here?” I ask. I hadn’t seen him come up the stairs.

“There’s another set of stairs.” He points to the spot around the bar. “Eli’s downstairs trying to get Tam back.”

“Why’d they break up anyway?” I ask, not really giving a crap.

“Tamlin caught Eli flirting with a freshman,” Shelby chuckles.

“Guess that didn’t sit well with the old lady?” I joke.

Shelby laughs. “I think it was more the fact that he was flirting than that she was upset that the girl was younger.”

“See
ya later,” Hunter says. “I’m going to get some food.”

“You hungry?” I ask Shelby.

Shaking her head, she tells me, “Not yet. Don’t feel obligated to stay. Go. Go eat, Eeth.”

“Not really hungry.” A row of white folding chairs lines up behind us. “Sit?”

Shelby and I pull up a couple of chairs and sit, throwing our feet up on the lower railing.

“You know,” Shelby says after a couple of minutes of silence, “sometimes girls just want the bad boy.”

“What?” I ask, wondering why she decided to state that fact.

“I’m talking about Honor. It’s probably just the bad boy thing she’s after…you know, ‘cause she’s so nice. He probably represents what she isn’t.”

Not really in the mood to talk about Storm and Honor, I take another approach. “Is that what you want? The bad guy?”

She takes her time in responding. “No. Not anymore.”

I don’t know how to take this. Is she not into bad guys because she’s been there done that? Or is she not into them because she’s into me? If it’s the latter, I don’t know whether to be happy about that, or upset because I’m in love with somebody else. We let her answer blow away with the wind. She’s staring at the skyline in front of us. It’s such a peaceful view. Manhattan. Such an irony really. From the river it looks so calm and serene. But enter the city and it’s anything but. For a person who
feels
as part of who he is, Manhattan is not the place to be. But sitting here watching her light up the sky, it is so enticing. Too bad I’ll probably never set foot in the Big Apple.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Shelby asks.

“Just amazed at the skyline,” I offer quietly.

“It
is
beautiful, isn’t it? I’ve always wanted to live there.” There’s a sad smile on her face.

“Really? Is that where you plan to live one day?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe if the children’s hospital in Morristown doesn’t work out, I can apply to one of the many great hospitals in New York. I mean Sloane Kettering alone would be a wonderful place to work.”

Shelby is remarkable. She has dreams. Aspirations. In such a short time, she’s made such a turnaround from who she was. Not everyone would have done that. And for some reason, I need to tell her so. “You are amazing, you know that?”

She looks like I said something in a foreign language. “Where did
that
come from?”

“I just think you are a courageous person. It’s not everyone who would own up to their mistakes and then become a better person because of it. Most people find it’s easier to stay the way people see them, but not you.” I’m nervous telling her this, but I feel I have to. “You had the courage to step away from the friends who encouraged you to act a certain way. Not many teenagers could do that. That kind of wisdom usually comes much later in life. I just wanted to tell you that I admire that.”

Her eyes narrow, as if she isn’t used to hearing a compliment. “Thank you, Ethan, but I don’t feel like anyone who should be admired. I’m still ashamed at my behavior. It was no excuse.” Shelby turns to look out at the passing skyline.

“No. There is no excuse. But you made good of it. That alone shows how much strength you have.” With my fingertips on her jaw, I gently turn her to face me. “You need to own it. You’re a good person.”

Though her hand feels cool when she touches my arm, the vibration it sends through me is warm and electric. It’s so odd to feel this way about her, especially when I know damn well I love Honor, but I like her arm on me, and so I place my other hand on top of hers to keep it in place. Her eyes soften, and her face relaxes. When her mouth breaks into a smile, I can’t help myself. I lean in and press a soft kiss to her lips. It only lasts a second, but we stare into each other’s eyes for what seems like hours.

Just as Shelby is about to say something, Honor, Tamlin, Hunter, and Eli come barreling up the stairs in laughter. Behind them, the band is in hysterics as well.

“Oh, Ethan,” Honor calls. “You should have been downstairs. Eli tried to help the waitress by taking a tray of stuffed mushrooms from her.” She pauses to laugh, so I turn to look at Elijah, who apparently wasn’t laughing as I’d originally thought. The scowl on his face is humorous, though, because it’s accompanied by a swelling black eye and bloody nose. Honor looks at him. “I’m sorry for laughing, Elijah.” She stops her chuckle mid-laugh. “I shouldn’t be laughing at your expense.” Honor reaches up and gives him a hug.

“
What
was funny?” I ask. “You didn’t finish.”

Honor looks to Eli for permission. “Go ‘head,” he tells her.

“He went to take the tray from her, thinking he was helping. But the waitress said, ‘No. I got it.’ Then she turned to avoid him. But,” Honor chuckles all over again, “Eli reached for it, his hand landing right on her boob.” Everyone starts laughing along with her. “The waitress shouts, ‘Ooh.’ She elbows Eli with the tray still in her hands. He slips. His foot catches the waitress’s ankle. Eli falls flat on his back. The waitress falls face first, the back of her tray catching her fall…right on Eli’s face. The girl was covered in mushrooms. Eli in blood.” Honor shakes her head, clutching at her heart. “Oh, Eli. It really isn’t funny.” She stops laughing again, but everyone else continues. The band heads for the stage area.

“Honor. It’s fine. It
was
funny. And hey, I got to second base.” Elijah laughs, easing Honor’s conflicting feelings.

Shelby gets up to follow everyone to the stage. Honor sits in her seat.

“Why the hell was he trying to help anyway?” I wonder aloud.

Her smile holds compassion. Nothing new. “I think he was trying to impress Tam. He’s really heartbroken over her.”

“If he is so heartbroken, why was he flirting with somebody else?”

Honor sweeps her falling hair behind her ear. “I don’t know. Maybe it was just an innocent flirt.”

“Does Tamlin usually get over dramatic? Wait. Let me rephrase that. Does Tamlin usually overreact to stuff like that? I mean she seems pretty cool about things.”

The corner of her mouth quirks. “No she doesn’t.” Honor sighs. “Tam says he actually kissed the girl too. Maybe it’s not that simple,
Eeth. Maybe it’s hard to just like one person." She speaks softly, almost as if she’s talking to herself.

“Maybe it is,” I say, getting what she’s saying.

“It doesn’t take away from how much he likes Tamlin. I mean, look at him. He’s crushed that she broke up with him…But…it’s possible that someone else could capture his attention too. I mean…he
is
just a teenager.”

“Yeah,” I answer. “I get it.”

Fortunately – since the conversation sounds more like we’re talking about our own situations, and I do not want to go there right now – the sound of the drums lifts us from our seats. Reaching for Honor’s hand, I say, “Come on, birthday girl. Let’s go watch this band that’s here just for you.”

I feel so complete when she squeezes my hand and doesn’t let go.

“Okay, Honor Stevens,” Keith, the lead singer calls into his microphone, “are you ready to rock?”

Honor smiles and holds our hands up in the air. The rest of us shout a loud, “Hell yeah.”