The Imperfection of Swans (34 page)

Casper couldn’t love that. He wouldn’t. Not if he saw, really saw. And, at some point, he would. It might be in a few weeks. Even worse, it might be in a few years, just out of the blue. Casper would be making love to him, the veil would drop, and he would see, just as Kevin had seen.

Then Casper would run.

Then Kevin would fully crumble.

And then, everyone would see.

That could not happen. He wouldn’t let it.

Maybe in time—once he’d regained his control, once the stress stopped, once the burning eased, once Casper was nothing more than his business partner—Kevin wouldn’t see her in the mirror anymore either. He’d find who he’d made himself to be once again.

AFTER AN
hour of searching printing sites online, Kevin found the perfect design for invitations to Bella Dolce’s open house. They didn’t have a date yet, but they were closer. He’d just finished setting up an account when a knock sounded on the front door. Glancing over, he couldn’t quite tell who it was, the form silhouetted through the glass by the noon sunlight.

Halfway to the door, he recognized the build, so much like his own. Kevin quickened his pace and unlocked the dead bolt.

The warm summer breeze rushed in as the door opened. It felt wonderful. He needed to get outside. Maybe he’d run around Jamaica Pond several times instead of the gym that evening. No chance
she’d
be there.

“Hey, what brings you here?” Kevin didn’t step back from the doorway.

“Well, good to see you too, Kev. Geesh, I’m gonna have to tell Renata she raised a boy without any manners.” Tony stepped past Kevin, clutching two paper bags. “And as for what brings me? That would be Noelle. She sent me on one of her missions.”

Oh shit. This was going to suck.

Without waiting, Tony crossed the room and plopped the bags on the antique desk that was going to be used as the appointment center, then walked to the base of the steps, raising his voice. “Hey! Casper the ghost! You up there?”

The muffled sound of the mixer silenced, followed by a few seconds pause. “Yeah. I’m here. Be right down.”

Casper looked wary as he walked down to the first floor. “Hey, Tony. Good to see you.” His brown eyes flitted to Kevin, a question in them.

Kevin shrugged and looked away. Even that, that small gesture of familiarity, hurt.

At the bottom of the steps, Casper paused expectantly.

Kevin took a similar position, still close to the front door. He felt that the need to run might arise, and he wasn’t going to hesitate.

For his part, Tony just stood there, arms crossed, gaze darting back and forth between Kevin and Casper.

Just when Kevin thought running before things got started would be a good idea, Tony spoke.

“Huh.” Tony nodded, as if a decision had been made. “I knew Noelle was sending me off on one of her schemes, but she wouldn’t tell me what. She just said my nephew needed me to bring our entrepreneur boys some lunch. I tried to find out more, and she said it would be obvious. And, boooooy, is it.”

He returned to the antique desk and began pulling out food. “So, ghost boy, I got you and myself gyros from over in my neck of the woods. You’re gonna thank me.” He looked over at Kevin, the concern in his eyes conflicting with his teasing tone. He held out a small prepackaged cup with a plastic spoon. “Noelle said all your stomach is able to handle is applesauce, so here’s that. Although I got you a gyro too. Just in case.”

Kevin glanced at Casper, who hesitated as well.

Tony smacked his hands together. “Hurry up boys, the Greek’s getting cold, and the applesauce, well, good luck with that.”

Casper was the first to break the statue routine by walking over to Tony. Kevin followed suit. He wasn’t sure his stomach could handle applesauce right now. But he’d try. Even if it made him hurt worse.

Tony waited until each of them had taken a bite. He gestured toward Casper’s gyro. “Good, huh?”

Casper murmured his agreement around a mouthful of food. He was just being polite. He couldn’t taste it any more than Kevin could taste the applesauce.

The fact that Kevin could tell brought another shot of regret. He might not be who Casper thought he saw, but he did love Casper. Completely.

It sucked.

Apparently, one bite was all they were going to get.

“So, it would take a moron not to be able to see that you two are having love troubles, which I guess is why the girls trusted me to figure it out on my own.”

Girls?
Both
of his moms were in on this?

Tony clapped his hands once more. “So, let’s get it all out and be done with it.”

Kevin’s heart decided it was going to attempt to explode.

Casper looked dumbfounded. “Tony, I’m not trying to be rude, but this is between Kevin and me. I don’t think it’s appropriate to go through this with you.”

Tony looked anything but offended. “Granted, I don’t know you much yet, but I trust my sister’s judgment, and trust me, she’s full of judgments. If you’ve managed to convince her, that’s good enough for me. You’re part of the family, so let’s just get it out.”

Casper laughed, actually laughed, though it was a kind Kevin had never heard from him, and the darkness of it hurt to hear.

“I highly doubt Renata thinks of me as part of the family. She almost—”

Tony waved him off. “She does, Casper.” He motioned between them. “So, what, exactly? You two break up for the moment or something?”

Kevin wasn’t surprised that Renata approved of Casper. She’d been nearly as torn up as Kevin the past three days. That Tony was here instead of Renata was the shocker. He’d be willing to bet Noelle was the reason for that. Thank God for that woman.

“Tony, even if I was part of the family, this is highly inappropriate. Kevin and I aren’t going to talk about our issues with you when we haven’t even figured them out yet.”

Tony gave one of his cocky grins. “Really? Like I said, I don’t know you well, but I thought you were a tad smarter than that. Here I am, an older”—he cringed—“older than the two of you pups, at any rate, gay man who’s been in a relationship for the past century. At least it’s felt like that lately. You don’t think bringing in someone wiser would be a good idea?”

Instead of responding, Casper looked over at Kevin again, that silent communication so easy, deepening the ache in Kevin’s chest.

And even in this, even with Kevin’s uncle, Casper protected him. Casper would never say a word without Kevin’s permission.

A burning built behind Kevin’s eyes, but he stayed firm. He was glad he’d taken half a pill before starting the invitation search.

Tony’s voice, more tender this time, cut through their unspoken communication. “Well, goddamn. The girls were right.” He packed the condiments and a side of fries back into one of the paper bags and then handed it to Casper. “Would you mind eating on your own? My nephew and I are going for a walk. I always feel better talking if I’m on a walk.”

Again Casper looked at Kevin, questioning.

Kevin nodded that it was fine.

Tony chuckled, his gaze traveling knowingly between the two of them. “And there it is again. It’s rough starting out. Unfortunately I can promise the two of you have even bigger hurts in store.” He smacked Casper lightly on the shoulder. “Ain’t love grand? Welcome to the family, Casper. Kevin picked well.”

With that, Tony turned and walked over to Kevin, Casper staring after him, a look of bewilderment over his face. Tony started to link his arm with Kevin’s, then paused. He took the applesauce out of Kevin’s hand. “I love you, but I’m not walking about Boston with my grown nephew as he sips applesauce. Not gonna happen.” He placed the plastic container on the desk, and then he did link his arm with Kevin’s. “Let’s go.”

THEY ONLY
walked about a block arm in arm before Tony released him. Kevin wasn’t sure if Tony had read his mind earlier and was afraid he was going to make a run for it or what, but he seemed to be convinced Kevin was trustworthy.

For about ten minutes, they just walked. That in and of itself was healing. To be outside in the gorgeous Boston summer around the trees, flowers, endless brownstones, and the overabundance of tourists. He could breathe a little. Just a little. But it felt like years since he’d been able to catch his breath.

Kevin had already decided that he was going to do this. It was the last thing he wanted, but he couldn’t take much more. Though he hated Casper knowing, and though he knew that Casper would one day see him as he truly was, Kevin had to admit that it had made him realize how alone he’d always felt. Always surrounded by family, and always alone.

He didn’t want the others to know, but he didn’t want to be separated from them any longer either.

That, and the certainty he’d heard in Tony’s voice as he spoke to Casper, gave Kevin the smallest sliver of hope. It was the first bit he’d seen in days, so he was going to latch on. Trust fate, as Casper would say.

“Uncle Tony, there’s something I need to tell you. I don’t want you to know, but maybe you should.” He felt like he was five. He paused in their walking, Tony stopping with him, twisting his shoulders so an older man could get past.

Kevin hesitated, not sure where to begin. Already regretting what he was going to say.

“Kev, what are you worried about? That I won’t love you? That it’s somehow too much?”

Was he? Was he afraid that his family wouldn’t love him? That they’d turn tail and run?

Kevin searched Tony’s handsome face. He saw himself there. At least, who he’d wanted to be.

His family wouldn’t leave. Never. He’d never really been worried about that. But he didn’t want them to see this. He didn’t want them to see him like this.

How they’d cheered when he’d won the Citizen’s Award. Tony had been yelling nearly as loud as Noelle. And they’d continued cheering all through his rise up the corporate ladder in the advertising world. This time they’d applauded with their checkbooks as they ushered him into this next adventure.

To them, he’d always been golden. Always been beautiful and strong.

That would all end.

“I’m not ready for the rest of the family to know, Tony.”

Tony hesitated, debating. He cleared his throat, looking awkward. “Well, this isn’t something I ever pictured talking to my nephew about, but maybe it will help. I’ll let you see a little more into me, and you’ll know I can keep a secret.” Another throat clearing, and Tony’s gaze shifted slightly away from Kevin’s, an unusual blush rising to his cheeks. “I’m sure the family wouldn’t approve, but Rick and I are…. Well, we have an understanding….”

Watching his uncle struggle for words eased Kevin more than any secret he could ever tell. Despite his stress, he couldn’t suppress a small laugh. “Tony, we all know you two have an open relationship.”

Kevin laughed again at the wide-eyed terror that washed over Tony’s face.

“What?”

Kevin shrugged. “We just figured.”

“Everybody?”

“Yeah. Well, not Grandma. Good grief.”

“Huh.” Tony nodded, looking a little more shocked than petrified. “Okay, then. So, maybe I don’t have a secret to share.”

Kevin grinned at him. “Sorry.”

Tony zeroed in on Kevin once more. “Do you still love me?”

Kevin nearly rolled his eyes. “Of course I love you.”

“Does the family?”

“Tony, come on, that’s just stupid. As if….” His voice trailed off. Maybe he was five. He’d fallen into that trap way too easily.

A smile crossed Tony’s face. “See?”

“Okay.” Kevin nodded slowly. He really was going to do this. “I have this eating thing that—”

At Tony’s crestfallen expression, Kevin paused. “What?”

“I know what you’re going to say. I’ve been worried about that for years. I should have asked. I never got up the nerve.” Tony’s eyes glistened. “I’m so sorry.”

So much of his life had been filled with the terror of someone finding out. And to discover that his uncle had suspected, which meant probably the rest of his family suspected as well, should have brought on an anxiety attack to end all others. It would have a few days earlier. Maybe even half an hour earlier. But now it felt like a little more air was available to breathe.

He and Tony walked and talked for a couple of hours. They stopped for a while at Starbucks and found a secluded table.

Halfway through their talk, Kevin got out his phone and texted Casper.

Still with Tony. Be back soon. Didn’t want you to worry.

CASPER

CASPER HEARD
Kevin come back into the brownstone. He headed toward the stairs and froze at the landing. What was he supposed to do? Rush down to meet Kevin? Wait? Send a text?

Kevin answered for him. When he rounded the corner of the stairs and saw Casper, he froze.

They stared at each other.

Just long enough for Casper to regain his faith in fate a hundredfold.

Though Kevin looked more exhausted than ever, and though his eyes were puffy and bloodshot, Casper could see Kevin in their depths once more. Even from the distance he stood above him. He’d not seen Kevin in days. It had been like looking into the eyes of an empty shell. But there he was.