The Imperfection of Swans (35 page)

Casper didn’t wait any longer. He walked slowly but intentionally until he stood in front of Kevin. Only then did he hesitate.

After a moment of uncertainty, Kevin put his arms around Casper.

Casper returned the gesture, pulling Kevin close and feeling Kevin’s arms tighten over him. “Hug it out?”

Kevin made a noise that was halfway between a laugh and a sob.

Casper felt him nod against Casper’s neck and shoulder. He let out the breath he’d been holding for three days.

HE COULDN’T
tell how long they stayed on the steps or how many tears were shed between them. Soft, salty kisses joined the mix after a bit. At some point they returned to the lower level and sat together on a plum-hued sofa in Devina Malloy’s section of dresses.

“I’m not the Kevin you thought you were getting. I need you to understand that.” Kevin’s hands trembled as he wiped at his eyes.

Casper had no clue how to make him believe. Kevin had repeated that sentiment in a dozen different ways in the past half hour. “Babe, I don’t know who you thought I was falling for, but I never had this idealized picture of you. I fell in love with you.”

“But I didn’t let you see—”

He supposed he should have learned by now, but since Casper was back to being a believer in fate, he decided to trust the words that came. “The only thing you didn’t let me see was your struggle with food. And even then, I saw it. And I loved you. The fact that I didn’t know the details around it was nothing more than that. Details.” He gestured around them. “I don’t know the minute details of all of Devina’s dresses, but thanks to you, I can spot one of hers out of twenty other designers. It’s the same thing. I didn’t need all the details to see you and to love you. I knew you weren’t perfect. You were high-strung, demanding, particular, a workaholic, and a little bit judgmental of others.”

A baffled smile brightened Kevin’s face. “All of that is supposed to say you love me and make me feel better?”

“Yes. I see you. All of you, and I love you.”

“But there’s still details you don’t know.”

“Kevin. Of course there are.” Casper bent forward and kissed Kevin quickly before leaning back. “And, even with the eating thing, I wouldn’t have needed those details either, except that I’m afraid those might hurt you and take you away from me.”

“I just don’t want you to be disappointed and wish you hadn’t done this.”

“It sounds like the rest of your family has made a choice too. They choose us, together.” Casper shook his head. The whole lot of them were insane. “I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Kevin grinned at that. “Yeah. We’re quite a bunch.” A dark look clouded his face.

“What is it? What did you just think?” Kevin’s family weren’t the only ones who could be pushy.

Kevin sighed. “Well, I think you’ll actually like this part. Though I don’t. Tony talked a lot about he and Rick, about Rick’s gambling addiction. He even put Rick on the phone. They both think I should get a therapist. Rick said it really helped him. That it sucked, but that it helped him. I guess
helps
him is the correct wording, since he’s still going.”

Casper did indeed like that. It made him even more hopeful. “It won’t do much if you’re not doing it for you. You can’t do it for Tony and Rick, or even me.”

“Yeah, I know. And I don’t want to do it, but neither do I want to become… someone I don’t like. Any more than I already have.”

Casper had the strange impression that Kevin had a specific person in mind, but he didn’t push. Another implication of what Kevin had said spiked his interest more. “So, if you spoke to Rick about therapy, does that mean you told both of them about… the food stuff?” He still wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say or what might trigger Kevin if he labeled it too soon.

Kevin groaned. “Well, it seems that telling them wasn’t such a big deal after all. They both already suspected that something like that was happening.”

“Wow. That’s big.” He couldn’t help the tinge of anger he felt, though, that Tony had wondered and had never said anything. Better late than never, he supposed.

“If they know, I bet my moms do too. God, I’m dreading that conversation.”

Casper was surprised that Kevin didn’t reach for a pill at that thought. “You know, I bet they don’t know. I can’t see either of your moms thinking that was going on and keeping their mouth shut.”

Kevin looked up, hopefully. “You think?”

“Yeah.” And he truly did. “I really can’t see them just worrying about that and not saying anything. Sometimes you’re too close to a situation to really see it for what it is. Even with me, I tried to convince myself it was nothing, but, well, maybe that was one of the perks of moving so fast. There wasn’t time for it to sneak in gradually and get chalked up as something else.”

“Oh, yes. That’s a huge perk. Huge.” Kevin’s face fell once more. “Oh shit. If you’re right, that conversation with my moms is going to be even worse if they have no idea.”

“You don’t have to tell them until you’re ready.”

Kevin squinted at him. “Are you sure you’re not a therapist? You sure sound like one.”

“Sorry.”

“Didn’t say it was bad.”

Casper hesitated and then dove in, as he seemed to do in all things. “Well, this might be. I’m going to be needy for a moment, okay?”

Kevin nodded, wary.

“Are you sure you want to do this with me? That it’s me you really want? We’ve talked a lot about your weaknesses, but not about mine, and there are tons. Not the least of which is that I know I’m not your type. I’ve seen your type. More than I wanted to. And I’ll never be that.”

“Casper, that’s not—”

He held up a hand. “Oh, please don’t say it isn’t true. That will make me doubt anything you say after.”

As Kevin inspected him, Casper felt like Kevin was looking more himself every minute.

“Fine. You’re not. But”—Kevin gave a sad smile—“I think my tastes were wrong, maybe not even real. Either way, they’re changing. I love looking at you. I love you.” He appeared to get choked up and then continued. “And I’ve missed you so much these past few days. I don’t want to be without you, if you’ll have me.”

There was no one and nothing Casper wanted more.

KEVIN

AFTER KEVIN’S
primary doctor had told him the week before that he needed to see a specialist, he’d not been able to justify keeping his moms in the dark any longer. He’d been tempted to have both Casper and Tony with him, but felt like that might hurt his moms more. It needed to be private.

How the hell was a person supposed to tell his parents that he sometimes threw up his food? Most big conversations happened over dinner. Especially in his family. While it seemed strange to do so, he couldn’t come up with anything better. He figured it would be best to wait for Sunday dinner, where at least something would be normal. Despite planning it all out a thousand times, he made it through the entire meal without being able to leap into the conversation.

“Is the soup hurting your stomach too, now?”

Kevin glanced up at Noelle, who was inspecting him, her brows knitted in concern. He looked back at the bowl in front of him. He couldn’t remember taking a bite. Couldn’t remember one iota of the conversations that surely had transpired over dinner.

Renata shushed her wife. “Don’t badger him. That’s why we have to see a specialist. If he can’t eat, he can’t eat.” She pushed away from the table and started to stand. “I stopped at the store today and picked up some Ensure, just in case. Let me get it. I don’t think it will upset your stomach.”

“No. Wait.” Kevin held out his hand, motioning for her to stop. “It’s not that. Well, actually, yes, it’s partly that, but….”
God, this is awful
. “I need to tell you both something.”

His mom sat back down, giving a wary glance at Noelle, then returning her focus to him, expectantly.

What were the words he’d practiced? He’d found the perfect introduction. For all the good it was doing him now.

The humor in Noelle’s tone was obviously forced. “Sweetie, if you’re trying to come out, we’ve already realized you’re gay. We’ve come to terms with it.”

“Oh, for crying out loud.” Renata shot her a warning glance before addressing Kevin again. “Just get it over with, Kevin. Whatever it is. Just tell us. If something’s gone wrong with the business, we’ll make do. We will fix it. If there’s something going on with Scott—”

“I have an eating disorder.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Anything to make his mother quit guessing. But, eating disorder? Nowhere in any of his practiced scripts had he ever used that term. He stared at his mom, who sat wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

Both his moms sported similar expressions.

Noelle found her voice first, though it was barely more than a whisper. “What?”

“I, ah….” Shouldn’t it be easier to say the second time? “I have an—”

“No, you don’t.” Renata cut him off. “That’s ridiculous. You have acid reflux. Those aren’t the same thing.”

Kevin just stared at her, wanting to go with that. Maybe it wasn’t too late. He could just agree. They wouldn’t have to know.

The tear that traveled halfway down Renata’s cheek before she wiped it away said differently.

Noelle tried again. “Kev, you have an eating disorder?”

He just nodded. It was all he could do. Nearly more than.

She bobbed her head, moving in the same rhythm as Kevin. “Oh. What one?” Her voice cracked. “For how long?” Tears were making their way down her face as well.

“A long time.” It was then he realized he was crying too. “Middle school.”

Renata let out a sharp groan, like she’d stubbed her toe. Full of pain. Devoid of air.

He knew before he asked. Their reactions were so different from Tony’s. Still, he had to be sure, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. “Did you know?”

Noelle reached across the table and grabbed his forearm. “Baby, of course not.”

He kept his eyes on his mom, whose shoulders trembled as she shook her head. She’d not known, but the pieces were all falling into place. He could see that. He was surprised at the relief he felt that neither of his moms had realized.

Renata breathed in a ragged intake of breath but seemed unable to stop the slight body tremors. “Tell us.”

DR. HORN
sat across from where Kevin was perched on the exam table and looked from him to his moms and Casper. A part of him felt silly for having them all with him to see the doctor, but it had been a rough few weeks. Of course things would get ironed out between him and Casper only to have his body up its impersonations of a volcano. And the rest of them had been struggling nearly as much as him. “Are you sure you want me to go through all of this? Some of it seems rather private to me, though I don’t know the transparency of your relationships.”

Kevin grimaced inwardly. Transparent. Wasn’t his whole life nothing but transparent anymore?

“It’s okay. All the cards are on the table. You can just tell us whatever it is.” While it was a relief to not feel the need to hide things anymore, he rather missed his autonomy, which had now all but evaporated.

The specialist continued in a tone that conveyed her skepticism over such a choice. “Your doctor was right to have you see me. Honestly, you should have come in earlier. How much weight do you think you’ve lost over the past few months?”

Kevin shrugged. “Fifteen to twenty pounds, probably.”

“You certainly didn’t have that much to spare.” Dr. Horn eyed him, reminding him that she’d given him the chance. “And are you currently inducing vomiting?”

Well, that was awkward. His poor moms. “No, not since January or February.” He glanced toward Casper. “When was Giacomo’s?”

Casper’s face scrunched up in thought. “Yeah, right around then. Probably the beginning of February at the latest.”

Dr. Horn counted off on her fingers. “Six months? And the weight loss is now due to your inability to eat solid food?”

“Yeah. It hurts too much.” That was the understatement of the year.

“Well, I can see that from the inflammation. I am worried, however, that you may have other motivations in not eating.”

“Dr. Horn, can we get to what needs to be done instead of the interrogation?”

Before the doctor could reply, Noelle put a hand over Renata’s forearm. “Sorry, Doctor. It’s been a stressful time of late.”

The doctor gave his mom a warning glare. If he weren’t hurting so much, Kevin would have laughed. His mom might have just met her match. But probably not.

Dr. Horn turned back to Kevin. “Either way, we have no choice. But the procedure won’t do much good if you’re not getting help with your eating disorder.”

Some of Renata’s inherited fire coursed through him. He hated that word. Hated it!

Casper came to his rescue, as ever, it seemed. “Kevin has his first appointment with a therapist next week. And he has a strong support system, as you can see. He will be fine.” Even he was sounding frustrated.

“Be that as it may, it is clear that the eating disorder either was or recently has been significant.” She was curt and dismissive toward Casper. “The damage done to the epiglottis is severe, and it can no longer close, so your stomach acid cannot be contained, and it looks as if it has been that way for quite a while. I’m surprised you’ve not sought treatment earlier. Not only is it painful and why you may be resisting eating at the moment, but it greatly elevates your risk for esophageal cancer.”