The Importance of Being Earnest (15 page)

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Smiling.)
And those are the views of the two ladies who are known to have the most admirable husbands in London.

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
. That is exactly what we can’t stand. My Reginald is quite hopelessly faultless. He is really unendurably so, at times! There is not the smallest element of excitement in knowing him.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. How terrible! Really, the thing should be more widely known!

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
. Basildon is quite as bad; he is as domestic as if he was a bachelor.

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
.
(Pressing Lady Basildon’s hand.)
My poor Olivia! We have married perfect husbands, and we are well punished for it.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I should have thought it was the husbands who were punished.

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
.
(Drawing herself up.)
Oh, dear no! They are as happy as possible! And as for trusting us, it is tragic how much they trust us.

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
. Perfectly tragic!

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Or comic, Lady Basildon?

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
. Certainly not comic, Lord Goring. How unkind of you to suggest such a thing!

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
. I am afraid Lord Goring is in the camp of the enemy, as usual. I saw him talking to that Mrs. Cheveley when he came in.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Handsome woman, Mrs. Cheveley!

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
.
(Stiffly.)
Please don’t praise other women in our presence. You might wait for us to do that!

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I did wait.

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
. Well, we are not going to praise her. I hear she went to the Opera on Monday night, and told Tommy Rufford at supper that, as far as she could see, London society was entirely made up of dowdies and dandies.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. She is quite right, too. The men are all dowdies and the women are all dandies, aren’t they?

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
.
(After a pause.)
Oh! do you really think that is what Mrs. Cheveley meant?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Of course. And a very sensible remark for Mrs. Cheveley to make, too.

(Enter Mabel Chiltern. She joins the group.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Why are you talking about Mrs. Cheveley? Everybody is talking about Mrs. Cheveley! Lord Goring says—what did you say, Lord Goring, about Mrs. Cheveley? Oh! I remember, that she was a genius in the daytime and a beauty at night.

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
. What a horrid combination! So very unnatural!

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
.
(In her most dreamy manner.)
I like looking at geniuses, and listening to beautiful people.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Ah! that is morbid of you, Mrs. Marchmont!

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
.
(Brightening to a look of real pleasure.)
I am so glad to hear you say that. Marchmont and I have been married for seven years, and he has never once told me that I was morbid. Men are so painfully unobservant!

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
.
(Turning to her.)
I have always said, dear Margaret, that you were the most morbid person in London.

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
. Ah! but you are always sympathetic, Olivia!

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Is it morbid to have a desire for food? I have a great desire for food. Lord Goring, will you give me some supper?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. With pleasure, Miss Mabel.
(Moves away with her.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. How horrid you have been! You have never talked to me the whole evening!

L
ORD
G
ORING
. How could I? You went away with the child-diplomatist.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. You might have followed us. Pursuit would have been only polite. I don’t think I like you at all this evening!

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I like you immensely.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Well, I wish you’d show it in a more marked way!

(They go downstairs.)

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
. Olivia, I have a curious feeling of absolute faintness. I think I should like some supper very much. I know I should like some supper.

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
. I am positively dying for supper, Margaret!

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
. Men are so horribly selfish, they never think of these things.

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
. Men are grossly material, grossly material!

(The Vicomte de Nanjac enters from the music-room with some other guests. After having carefully examined all the people present, he approaches Lady Basildon.)

V
ICOMTE DE
N
ANJAC
. May I have the honour of taking you down to supper, Comtesse?

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
.
(Coldly.)
I never take supper, thank you, Vicomte.
(The Vicomte is about to retire. Lady Basildon, seeing this, rises at once and takes his arm.)
But I will come down with you with pleasure.

V
ICOMTE DE
N
ANJAC
. I am so fond of eating! I am very English in all my tastes.

L
ADY
B
ASILDON
. You look quite English, Vicomte, quite English.
(They pass out. Mr. Montford, a perfectly groomed young dandy, approaches Mrs. Marchmont.)

M
R
. M
ONTFORD
. Like some supper, Mrs. Marchmont?

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
.
(Languidly.)
Thank you, Mr. Montford, I never touch supper.
(Rises hastily and takes his arm.)
But I will sit beside you, and watch you.

M
R
. M
ONTFORD
. I don’t know that I like being watched when I am eating!

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
. Then I will watch some one else.

M
R
. M
ONTFORD
. I don’t know that I should like that either.

M
RS
. M
ARCHMONT
.
(Severely.)
Pray, Mr. Montford, do not make these painful scenes of jealousy in public!

(They go downstairs with the other guests, passing Sir Robert Chiltern and Mrs. Cheveley, who now enter.)

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. And are you going to any of our country houses before you leave England, Mrs. Cheveley?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Oh, no! I can’t stand your English house-parties. In England people actually try to be brilliant at breakfast. That is so dreadful of them! Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. And then the family skeleton is always reading family prayers. My
stay in England really depends on you, Sir Robert.
(Sits down on the sofa.)

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Taking a seat beside her.)
Seriously?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Quite seriously. I want to talk to you about a great political and financial scheme, about this Argentine Canal Company, in fact.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. What a tedious, practical subject for you to talk about, Mrs. Cheveley!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Oh, I like tedious, practical subjects. What I don’t like are tedious, practical people. There is a wide difference. Besides, you are interested, I know, in International Canal schemes. You were Lord Radley’s secretary, weren’t you, when the Government bought the suez Canal shares?

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Yes. But the Suez Canal was a very great and splendid undertaking. It gave us our direct route to India. It had imperial value. It was necessary that we should have control. This Argentine scheme is a commonplace Stock Exchange swindle.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. A speculation, Sir Robert! A brilliant, daring speculation.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Believe me, Mrs. Cheveley, it is a swindle. Let us call things by their proper names. It makes matters simpler. We have all the information about it at the Foreign Office. In fact, I sent out a special Commission to inquire into the matter privately, and they report that the works are hardly begun, and as for the money already subscribed, no one seems to know what has become of it. The whole thing is a second Panama, and with not a quarter of the chance of success that miserable affair ever had. I hope you have not invested in it. I am sure you are far too clever to have done that.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. I have invested very largely in it.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Who could have advised you to do such a foolish thing?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Your old friend—and mine.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Who?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Baron Arnheim.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Frowning.)
Ah! yes. I remember hearing, at the time of his death, that he had been mixed up in the whole affair.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. It was his last romance. His last but one, to do him justice.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Rising.)
But you have not seen my Corots yet. They are in the music-room. Corots seem to go with music, don’t they? May I show them to you?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Shaking her head.)
I am not in a mood to-night for silver twilights, or rose-pink dawns. I want to talk business.
(Motions to him with her fan to sit down again beside her.)

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. I fear I have no advice to give you, Mrs. Cheveley, except to interest yourself in something less dangerous. The success of the Canal depends, of course, on the attitude of England, and I am going to lay the report of the Commissioners before the House to-morrow night.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. That you must not do. In your own interests, Sir Robert, to say nothing of mine, you must not do that.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Looking at her in wonder.)
In my own interests? My dear Mrs. Cheveley, what do you mean?
(Sits down beside her.)

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Sir Robert, I will be quite frank with you. I want you to withdraw the report that you had intended to lay before the House, on the ground that you have reasons to believe that the Commissioners have been prejudiced or misinformed, or something. Then I want you to say a few words to the effect that the Government is going to reconsider the question, and that you have reason to believe that the Canal, if completed, will be of great international value. You know the sort of things ministers say in cases of this kind. A few ordinary platitudes will do. In modern life nothing produces such an effect as a good platitude. It makes the whole world kin. Will you do that for me?

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Mrs. Cheveley, you cannot be serious in making me such a proposition!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. I am quite serious.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Coldly.)
Pray allow me to believe that you are not!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Speaking with great deliberation and emphasis.)
Ah! but I am. And, if you do what I ask you, I … will pay you very handsomely!

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Pay me!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Yes.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. I am afraid I don’t quite understand what you mean.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Leaning back on the sofa and looking at him.)
How very disappointing! And I have come all the way from Vienna in order that you should thoroughly understand me.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. I fear I don’t.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(In her most nonchalant manner.)
My dear Sir Robert, you are a man of the world, and you have your price, I suppose. Everybody has nowadays. The drawback is that most people are so dreadfully expensive. I know I am. I hope you will be more reasonable in your terms.