The Importance of Being Earnest (16 page)

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Rises indignantly.)
If you will allow me, I will call your carriage for you. You have lived so long abroad, Mrs. Cheveley, that you seem to be unable to realize that you are talking to an English gentleman.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Detains him by touching his arm with her fan, and keeping it there while she is talking.)
I realize that I am talking to a man who laid the foundation of his fortune by selling to a Stock Exchange speculator a Cabinet secret.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Biting his lip.)
What do you mean?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Rising and facing him.)
I mean that I know the real origin of your wealth and your career, and I have got your letter, too.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. What letter?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Contemptuously.)
The letter you wrote to Baron Arnheim, when you were Lord Radley’s secretary, telling the Baron to buy Suez Canal shares—a letter written three days before the Government announced its own purchase.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Hoarsely.)
It is not true.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. You thought that letter had been destroyed. How foolish of you! It is in my possession.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. The affair to which you allude was no more than a speculation. The House of Commons had not yet passed the bill; it might have been rejected.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. It was a swindle, Sir Robert. Let us call things by their proper names. It makes everything simpler. And now I am going to sell you that letter, and the price I ask for it is your public support of the Argentine scheme. You made your own fortune out of one canal. You must help me and my friends to make our fortunes out of another!

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. It is infamous, what you propose—infamous!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Oh, no! This is the game of life as we all have to play it, Sir Robert, sooner or later!

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. I cannot do what you ask me.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. You mean you cannot help doing it. You know you are standing on the edge of a precipice. And it is not for you to make terms. It is for you to accept them. supposing you refuse——

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. What then?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. My dear Sir Robert, what then? You are ruined, that is all! Remember to what a point your Puritanism in England has brought you. In old days nobody pretended to be a bit better than his neighbours. In fact, to be a bit better than one’s neighbour was considered excessively vulgar and middle-class. Nowadays, with our modern mania for morality, everyone has to pose as a paragon of purity, incorruptibility, and all the other seven deadly virtues—and what is the result? You all go over like ninepins—one after the other. Not a year passes in England without somebody disappearing. scandals used to lend charm, or at least interest, to a man—now they crush him. And yours is a very nasty scandal. You couldn’t survive it. If it were known that as a young man, secretary to a great and important minister, you sold a Cabinet secret for a large sum of money, and that that was the origin of your wealth and career, you would be hounded out of public life, you would disappear completely.
And after all, Sir Robert, why should you sacrifice your entire future rather than deal diplomatically with your enemy? For the moment I am your enemy. I admit it! And I am much stronger than you are. The big battalions are on my side. You have a splendid position, but it is your splendid position that makes you so vulnerable. You can’t defend it! And I am in attack. Of course I have not talked morality to you. You must admit in fairness that I have spared you that. Years ago you did a clever, unscrupulous thing; it turned out a great success. You owe to it your fortune and position. And now you have got to pay for it. Sooner or later we all have to pay for what we do. You have to pay now. Before I leave you to-night, you have got to promise me to suppress your report, and to speak in the House in favour of this scheme.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. What you ask is impossible.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. You must make it possible. You are going to make it possible. Sir Robert, you know what your English newspapers are like. Suppose that when I leave this house I drive down to some newspaper office, and give them this scandal and the proofs of it! Think of their loathsome joy, of the delight they would have in dragging you down, of the mud and mire they would plunge you in. Think of the hypocrite with his greasy smile penning his leading article, and arranging the foulness of the public placard.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Stop! You want me to withdraw the report and to make a short speech stating that I believe there are possibilities in the scheme?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Sitting down on the sofa.)
Those are my terms.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(In a low voice.)
I will give you any sum of money you want.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Even you are not rich enough, Sir Robert, to buy back your past. No man is.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. I will not do what you ask me. I will not.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. You have to. If you don’t …
(Rises from the sofa.)

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Bewildered and unnerved.)
Wait a moment! What did you propose? You said that you would give me back my letter, didn’t you?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Yes. That is agreed. I will be in the Ladies’ Gallery to-morrow night at half-past eleven. If by that time—and you will have had heaps of opportunity—you have made an announcement to the House in the terms I wish, I shall hand you back your letter with the prettiest thanks, and the best, or at any rate the most suitable, compliment I can think of. I intend to play quite fairly with you. one should always play fairly … when one has the winning cards. The Baron taught me that … amongst other things.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. You must let me have time to consider your proposal.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. No; you must settle now!

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Give me a week—three days!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Impossible! I have got to telegraph to Vienna tonight.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. My God! what brought you into my life?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Circumstances.
(Moves towards the door.)

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Don’t go. I consent. The report shall be withdrawn. I will arrange for a question to be put to me on the subject.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Thank you. I knew we should come to an amicable agreement. I understood your nature from the first. I analyzed you, though you did not adore me. And now you can get my carriage for me, sir Robert. I see the people coming up from supper, and Englishmen always get romantic after a meal, and that bores me dreadfully.

(Exit Sir Robert Chiltern.) (Enter Guests, Lady Chiltern, Lady Markby, Lord Caversham, Lady Basildon, Mrs. Marchmont, Vicomte de Nanjac, Mr. Montford.)

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. Well, dear Mrs. Cheveley, I hope you have enjoyed yourself. Sir Robert is very entertaining, is he not?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Most entertaining! I have enjoyed my talk with him immensely.

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. He has had a very interesting and brilliant career. And he has married a most admirable wife. Lady Chiltern is a woman of the very highest principles, I am glad to say. I am a little
too old now, myself, to trouble about setting a good example, but I always admire people who do. And Lady Chiltern has a very ennobling effect on life, though her dinner-parties are rather dull sometimes. But one can’t have everything, can one? And now I must go, dear. Shall I call for you to-morrow?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Thanks.

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. We might drive in the Park at five. Everything looks so fresh in the Park now!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Except the people!

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. Perhaps the people are a little jaded. I have often observed that the season as it goes on produces a kind of softening of the brain. However, I think anything is better than high intellectual pressure. That is the most unbecoming thing there is. It makes the noses of the young girls so particularly large. And there is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose, men don’t like them. Good-night, dear!
(To Lady Chiltern.)
Good-night, Gertrude!
(Goes out on Lord Caversham’s arm.)

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. What a charming house you have, Lady Chiltern! I have spent a delightful evening. It has been so interesting getting to know your husband.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Why did you wish to meet my husband, Mrs. Cheveley?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Oh, I will tell you. I wanted to interest him in this Argentine Canal scheme, of which I dare say you have heard. And I found him most susceptible,—susceptible to reason, I mean. A rare thing in a man. I converted him in ten minutes. He is going to make a speech in the House to-morrow night in favour of the idea. We must go to the Ladies’ Gallery and hear him! It will be a great occasion!

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. There must be some mistake. That scheme could never have my husband’s support.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Oh, I assure you it’s all settled. I don’t regret my tedious journey from Vienna now. It has been a great success. But, of course, for the next twenty-four hours the whole thing is a dead secret.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
.
(Gently.)
A secret? Between whom?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(With a flash of amusement in her eyes.)
Between your husband and myself.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Entering.)
Your carriage is here, Mrs. Cheveley!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Thanks! Good evening, Lady Chiltern! Goodnight, Lord Goring! I am at Claridge’s. Don’t you think you might leave a card?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. If you wish it, Mrs. Cheveley!

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Oh, don’t be so solemn about it, or I shall be obliged to leave a card on you. In England I suppose that would be hardly considered
en règle
. Abroad, we are more civilized. Will you see me down, sir Robert? Now that we have both the same interests at heart we shall be great friends, I hope!

(Sails out on Sir Robert Chiltern’s arm. Lady Chiltern goes to the top of the staircase and looks down at them as they descend. Her expression is troubled. After a little time she is joined by some of the guests, and passes with them into another reception-room.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. What a horrid woman!

L
ORD
G
ORING
. You should go to bed, Miss Mabel.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Lord Goring!

L
ORD
G
ORING
. My father told me to go to bed an hour ago. I don’t see why I shouldn’t give you the same advice. I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Lord Goring, you are always ordering me out of the room. I think it most courageous of you. Especially as I am not going to bed for hours.
(Goes over to the sofa.)
You can come and sit down if you like, and talk about anything in the world, except the Royal Academy, Mrs. Cheveley, or novels in Scotch dialect. They are not improving subjects.
(Catches sight of something that is lying on the sofa half-hidden by the cushion.)
What is this? Some one has dropped a diamond brooch! Quite beautiful, isn’t it?
(Shows it to him.)
I wish it was mine, but Gertrude won’t let me wear anything but pearls, and I am thoroughly sick of pearls. They make one look so plain, so good and so intellectual. I wonder whom the brooch belongs to.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I wonder who dropped it.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. It is a beautiful brooch.