The Incorporated Knight (36 page)

             
Landwin leered. "Tell me, co-husbands, how found you Yolanda as a bedmate? Come, there's no need for reticence amongst us in the matter."

             
"I found it interesting," said Sugerius judiciously, "that a woman of so voluptuous a form should seem to have so little interest in the carnal act. She submitted with good grace, but methinks she gat no joy therefrom. I am writing a book on amorous passion in women. How with you, Sir Landwin?"

             
"I, too, found her cold," said the poet. If you'll pardon my boast, I count myself proficient beyond the moiety in the art of bringing a woman to the vertex of passion; but with Yolanda, I might as well have plied my skills on one of the statues in her gardens. Meseerned her thought was: Hurry up and get it over with, thou apish buffoon! Therefore I sought others who might, I hoped, display more ardor. I had minded less, save that she sought to mew me up here as she did Lord Gontran. Sir Gontran?"

             
"I pay no heed to such matters," grunted Gontran. "A warrior true hath no time for fancy courtship ere sheathing his blade. I leave such japes to counterfeit knights, who claim the dignity of 'sir' without a single manslaying to their credit."

             
Landwin's lips compressed and his nostrils quivered at the insult, but he turned to Eudoric. "And you, Sir Eudoric? How fares it with you?"

             
"It is my opinion," said Eudoric carefully, "that Yolanda's passion be not for the rites of love but for the aggrandizement of power. She submits to her husbands' desire, neither for love nor for lust, but to keep them where she can rule them best. She approved a proposal of the leader of the Jacks, to give equal rights to women."

             
Gontran snorted. "How utterly ridiculous!"

             
" 'Tis not at all ridiculous," said Sugerius. "I have deeply studied the female mind. Somewhat to my surprise, I found it, not the same as the male, but on balance quite as able."

             
With a disdainful sniff, Gontran turned to Eudoric. "Do ye adhere to such nonsense?"

             
Eudoric smiled. "In foreign lands, I dispute not matters of religion or politics. I fear, howsomever, that Yolanda gives the doctrine of women's equality a bad name."

             
"Exactly!" said Landwin. "She were never satisfied with mere equality; she'd reduce any man in her grip to total subservience." The poet paused, beating time with a finger, then burst into verse:

"Oh, ask not a warrior princess so bold

Who's born to lead men of a militant host

To cook and to sew and to sweep out your hold;

She'll mangle your shirts and she'll blacken your toast!

             
"What perplexes me," he continued, "is why, if she care so little for amorous congress, she's so furiously jealous if her man cast a friendly eye upon another. Hath she, think you, a passion to conceive?"

             
"I think not," said Sugerius. "If none of us four hath impregnated her despite our valiant efforts, either she's naturally barren or employs a spell against conception."

             
Eudoric: "Meseems 'tis but another aspect of Yolanda's drive for power. If her man fail to tup her often, or
a fortiori
if his roving eye alight on a rival, he is slipping out of her grasp. That she cannot endure."

             
"Howsomever," said Landwin, "entrancing though this discussion be, we must needs agree upon which of us shall be husband-in-fact, and that ere her return."

             
"We could play cards—you have playing cards, have you not?—or throw dice," said Eudoric. "But should the winner be high man or low?"

             
Sugerius fumbled in his robe and put on his spectacles. Gravely he said: "Ah, Sir Eudoric, I do perceive your import. Each of us might conclude that the pains of union with Yolanda exceed the pleasures. Twere like a foot race, wherein the prize doth go to the last to finish.
Ye'd see all the runners hopping up and down on the starting line, each waiting for the others to outdistance him."

             
"Well," said Landwin, "we could take turns—be husband-of-the-day in rotation, like a relay race. Since she's more than a match for any one of us, belike by confronting her in succession we could wear her down."

             
"Ye jackanapes!" said the count. "Ye know the court would never permit such doings."

             
Gontran growled: "A manlier way were to fight it out. We'll choose two pairs by lot, who'll fight to the death. The two survivors shall then meet—"

             
"Ho!" said Landwin. "That were unfair! The count is well on in years, and I'm a poet, not a bully-rook. You'd cleave me in twain with that monstrous thing you bear!"

             
"Coward!" sneered Gontran. "Count, ye are the most learned amongst us. Who is Yolanda's legal husband?"

             
"Certes, ye are! Since your marriage came first and was terminated neither by annulment nor by death, it still abides. The rest of us are but unwitting adulterers, who thought we were wedding a virtuous widow—"

             
Eudoric interrupted: "But Gontran has been declared legally dead, in consequence of his 'disappearance.' So for that matter have the other twain of you. Were your marriages not ended by this procedure?"

             
"Under some circumstances, yea," said the count. "But where the spouse averring the disappearance hath actually immured the vanished one, keeping him or her incommunicado, the rule is that of the case of Chararic versus Thrasamund—"

             
"Adulterers!" roared Gontran, whose mind had at last caught up with the implications of the count's words. "Then ye've made a cuckold of me! By the Three True Gods, this stain upon mine honor must needs be cleansed with blood!'

             
"Seize him!" shouted Eudoric, hurling himself upon Gontran. He bore the warrior to the floor while Landwin, Sugerius, and Forthred grasped the Tolosan's limbs. Gontran was as strong as a bear; but the combined strength of the four proved too much for him. After he had struggled until he was red in the face, he finally subsided. Gripping Gontran's massive right arm with both
of his, Eudoric looked up at Tsudai, who was busy removing magical apparatus from nearby tables to place it out of danger of breakage.

             
"Doctor! Canst tie him up?"

             
"This minor person can better that, noble sir. Tell him that, an he be not quiet, I'll put him back into stasis, as he was ere I cast off the spell."

             
When the thought had been repeatedly explained to Gontran, the warrior yielded. "And we'll borrow that great sword of yours," said Eudoric, pulling it out of the scabbard, "lest in a moment of passion you injure someone."

             
Gontran subsided, sitting hunched on the floor against a table, muttering: "... stain on mine honor
...
stain on mine honor
...
"

             
"Now, gentlemen," continued Eudoric, "what are your plans? Mine is to flee forthwith back to Locania. We had better move yarely, for the hour of Yolanda's return comes on amain and apace. Forthred, pray pack us for departure."

             
"My palfrey must yet be in Yolanda's stables, unless the poor beast have died," said the count. "I'll find the horse and hie me back to my demesne of Perigez, to complete my doctoral thesis, 'The Incest Motif in Helladic Drama.' It grieves me to leave behind a parcel of my precious books, but one must weigh the alternatives."

             
"I'd go with you, Sir Eudoric," said Landwin, "had I a horse; since Kromnitch lies nigh to the path to Arduen."

             
"Good!" said Eudoric. "I have a spare horse for you. That leaves you, Sir Gontran, master of the field, if one can call the fair Yolanda that. Alas! She's a splendid woman in her way; or would be without this passion for tyranny."

             
"I may depart also, when I've thought about it," rumbled Gontran.

             
"She would have been king instead of Clothar," said Landwin. " 'Tis pity your laws permit not reigning queens. But if the rest of us flee, Sir Eudoric, why remain you not to tame this proud beauty? Meseems you be the one best qualified for this task, and she's a worthy prize for a hero."

             
"Gramercy," said Eudoric, "but the liontamer's part becharms me not. It calls for a Sigvard Dragon-slayer or an Erpo Giantkiller; and I do not deem myself fit for that role."

             
"But think of the perquisites! Think of having a king for patron!"

             
Eudoric shook his head. "For a while, during our journey, meseemed the adversities of travel would render her a more tolerable companion. But once on her own ground, she waxed as imperious as ever. I went fishing for perch and caught a whale.

             
"Besides, back home I know a more companionable lass, who if a trifle less beautiful is infinitely more even-tempered."

             
"That were easy," said Landwin, "since our wife-in-common is the least even-tempered person I've ever known." He picked his lute off a shelf. "I'm ready."

             
Gontran rumbled: "A word of advice! Honor forbids me to punish you libertines ere ye depart; but guard yourselves if we meet anon upon the road."

             
"Thankee for the warning," said Landwin, opening the door. Instantly he leaped back with a screech. "By all the fiends, what's this?"

             
"Doctor Tsudai's pet dragon," said Eudoric. "It will hold off the marids whilst we make our escape. Then he
'
ll return it to its proper world. Come on, everyone!"

-

             
Landwin and Forthred were down at the River Mosarn, bathing. Eudoric, who had already had his bath, did on his forester's garb and set himself to kindling a fire. Another day's travel would bring them to the borders of the Empire.

             
The snap of a trodden twig brought Eudoric round. At the edge of the glade, Sir Gontran of Tolosa strode out from under the lofty, leafless trees, wearing his mailshirt and grasping his sword in both scarred hands. When Eudoric sprang up to face him, he said:

             
"Ha, my fine lecher! I warned you to guard your vile self! Have at thee!"

             
As he lofted the two-handed sword, Eudoric drew his own weapon. The thought flashed through his mind to yell for his companions; but what could they do, arriving unarmed and naked, and neither one a fighter? Eudoric's armor and his crossbow, either of which might have shifted the odds, were lashed in a bundle on a spare horse.

             
Eudoric feared that, if he parried so as to meet the big sword squarely, his lighter blade might break. He parried the first swing slantwise, so that the two-bander skittered off.

             
"Be not a zany!" he shouted at Gontran. "If neither of us wants the jade, what are we fighting for?"

             
"Honor!" roared Gontran, making another swing. "Methinks ye Imperials know nought of honor. Well, I'll teach thee!"

             
Another swing, another parry. Eudoric's arm tingled with the impact.