The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 2: (Jeeves & Wooster): No. 2 (34 page)

But – and this was the reflection that furrowed the brow – how
long
would this last? I mean to say, he might be liking the set-up, but, as I saw it, the time would come when he would examine his soul, note how it had sprouted and say, ‘Fine. That’s enough to be going on with. Let’s call it a day,’ only to discover that he was inextricably entangled with a girl who had merely started. It was from this fate, which is sometimes called the bitter awakening, that I wanted to rescue him.

How to do it was, of course, a problem, and many chaps in my place would, I suppose, have been nonplussed. But my brain was working like a buzz-saw this morning, and the two snifters at the Bollinger had put a keen edge on it. By the time I was latch-keying my way into the flat I had placed my finger on the solution. The thing to do, I saw, was to write a strong note to Nobby Hopwood, outlining the situation and urging her to draw Stilton aside and make it quite clear to him what he was up against. Nobby, I reasoned, had known Florence since she was so high, and would consequently be in a position to assemble all the talking points.

Still, just in case she might have overlooked any of them, I carefully pointed out in my communication all Florence’s defects, considered not only as a prospective bride but as a human being. I put my whole heart into the thing, and it was with an agreeable feeling of duty done and a kindly act accomplished that I took it round the corner and dropped it in the pillar box.

When I got back, I found Jeeves once more in residence. He had returned from his mission and was fooling about at some domestic task in the dining-room. I gave him a hail, and he floated in.

‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘you remember Mr Cheesewright, who called this morning?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I ran into him just now, buying an engagement ring. He is betrothed.’

‘Indeed, sir?’

‘Yes. And do you know who to? Lady F. Craye.’

‘Indeed, sir?’

We exchanged a meaningful glance. Or, rather, two meaning glances, I giving him one and he giving me the other. There was no need for words. Jeeves is familiar with every detail of the Wooster-Craye imbroglio, having been constantly at my side right through that critical period in my affairs. As a matter of fact, as I have recorded elsewhere in the archives, it was he who got me out of the thing.

‘And what’s so poignant, Jeeves, if that’s the word I want, is that he seems to like it.’

‘Indeed, sir?’

‘Yes. Rather pleased about it all than otherwise, it struck me. It reminded me of those lines in the poem – “See how the little how-does-it-go tum tumty tiddly push”. Perhaps you remember the passage?’

‘“Alas, regardless of their fate, the little victims play”, sir.’

‘Quite. Sad, Jeeves.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘He must be saved from himself, of course, and fortunately I have the situation well in hand. I have taken all the necessary steps, and anticipate a happy and successful issue. And now,’ I said, turning to the other matter on the agenda paper, ‘tell me about Uncle Percy. You saw him?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Was he in the market for aid and counsel?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I knew I was right. What was it? Blackmail? Does he want you to pinch damaging correspondence from the peroxided? Has some quick-thinking adventuress got him in her toils?’

‘Oh, no, sir. I am sure his lordship’s private life is above reproach.’

I weighed this in the light of the known facts.

‘I’m not so dashed sure about that. It depends what you call above reproach. He once chased me over a measured mile, showing great accuracy with the hunting crop. At a moment, too, when, being half-way through my first cigar, I was in urgent need of quiet and repose. To my mind, a man capable of that would be capable of anything. Well, if it wasn’t blackmail, what was the trouble?’

‘His lordship finds himself in a somewhat difficult position, sir.’

‘What’s biting him?’

He did not reply for a space. A wooden expression had crept into his features, and his eyes had taken on the look of cautious reserve which you see in those of parrots, when offered half a banana by a stranger of whose bona fides they are not convinced. It meant that he had come over all discreet, as he sometimes does, and I hastened to assure him that he might speak freely.

‘You know me, Jeeves. The silent tomb.’

‘The matter is highly confidential, sir. It should not be allowed to go further.’

‘Wild horses shall not drag it from me. Not that I suppose they’ll try.’

‘Well, then, sir, his lordship informs me that he is in the process of
concluding
the final details of a business agreement of great delicacy and importance.’

‘And he wanted you to vet the thing for snags?’

‘Not precisely that, sir. But he desired my advice.’

‘They all come to you, Jeeves, don’t they – from the lowest to the highest?’

‘It is kind of you to say so, sir.’

‘Did he mention what the b. a. of great d. and i. was?’

‘No, sir. But, of course, one has read the papers.’

‘I haven’t.’

‘You do not study the financial pages, sir?’

‘Never give them a glance.’

‘They have been devoting considerable space of late to rumours of a merger or combination which is said to be impending between his lordship’s Pink Funnel Line and an equally prominent shipping firm of the United States of America, sir. It is undoubtedly to this that his lordship was guardedly alluding.’

The information did not make me leap about to any extent.

‘Going to team up, are they, these nautical tycoons?’

‘So it is supposed, sir.’

‘Well, God bless them.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I mean, why shouldn’t they?’

‘Exactly, sir.’

‘Well, what’s his difficulty?’

‘A somewhat tense situation has arisen, sir. The negotiations would appear to have arrived at a point where it is essential that his lordship shall meet and confer with the gentleman conducting the pourparlers on behalf of the American organization. On the other hand, it is vital that he shall not be seen in the latter’s society, for such a meeting would instantly be accepted in the City as conclusive proof that the fusion of interests was about to take place, with immediate reactions on the respective shares of the two concerns.’

I began to see daylight. There have been mornings after some rout or revel at the Drones, when this sort of thing would merely have caused the head to throb, but today, as I have said, I was feeling exceptionally bright.

‘They would go up, you mean?’

‘A sharp rise would be inevitable, sir.’

‘And Uncle Percy views such a prospect with concern?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘His idea being to collect a parcel cheap before the many-headed can horn in and spoil the market?’

‘Precisely, sir.
Rem acu tetigisti
.’

‘
Rem
–?’

‘
Acu tetigisti
, sir. A Latin expression. Literally, it means “You have touched the matter with a needle”, but a more idiomatic rendering would be –’

‘Put my finger on the nub?’

‘Exactly, sir.’

‘Yes, I get it now. You have clarified the situation. Getting right down to it, these two old buzzards have got to foregather in secret and require a hideout.’

‘Precisely, sir. And, of course, the movements of both gentlemen are being closely watched by representatives of the financial press.’

‘I suppose this mystic sort of stuff goes on all the time in the world of commerce?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘One understands and sympathizes.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Though one dislikes the idea of Uncle Percy getting any richer. Already he has the stuff in gobs. However bearing in mind the fact that he is an uncle by marriage, I suppose one ought to espouse his cause. Had you anything to suggest?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I bet you had.’

‘It occurred to me that such a meeting might well take place unobserved, if the two parties were to arrange to come together beneath the roof of some remote country cottage.’

I mused.

‘You mean a cottage in the country somewhere?’

‘You have interpreted me exactly, sir.’

‘I don’t think much of that, Jeeves. You must be losing your grip.’

‘Sir?’

‘Well, to name but one objection, how can you go to the owner of a country cottage, whom you don’t know from Adam, and ask him to let you and your pals plot in the parlour?’

‘It would be necessary, of course, that the proprietor of the establishment should be no stranger to his lordship.’

‘He would have to be somebody who knew Uncle Percy, you mean?’

‘Precisely, sir.’

‘But, Jeeves, my dear old soul, don’t you see that that makes it still worse? Use the bean. In that case, the chap says to himself, “Hullo! Old Worplesdon having secret meetings with mystery men? Come, come, what’s all this? I’ll bet this means that the merger I’ve been reading about so much is going to come off.” And he nips out and phones his broker to start buying those shares and to keep on buying till he’s blue in the face. Thus wrecking all Uncle Percy’s carefully laid plans and rendering him sicker than mud. You follow me, Jeeves?’

‘Completely, sir. I had not overlooked that contingency. The occupant of the cottage would, of course, have to be some gentleman whom his lordship could trust.’

‘Such as –?’

‘Well, yourself, sir.’

‘But – sorry to have to rub it in like this, but it’s only kind to remove the scales from your eyes – I haven’t got a cottage.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I don’t get you, Jeeves.’

‘His lordship is placing one of his own at your disposal, sir. He instructed me to say that he wishes you to proceed tomorrow to Steeple Bumpleigh –’

‘Steeple Bumpleigh!’

‘– where you will find a small but compact residence awaiting you, in perfect condition for immediate occupation. It is delightfully situated not far from the river –’

It needed no more than that word ‘river’ to tell me what had occurred. On his good mornings, I don’t suppose there are more than a handful of men in the W.l postal district of London swifter to spot oompus-boompus than Bertram Wooster, and this was one of my particularly good mornings. I saw the whole hideous plot.

‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘you have done the dirty on me.’

‘I am sorry, sir. It seemed the only solution of his lordship’s problem. I feel sure, sir, that when you see the residence in question, your prejudice against Steeple Bumpleigh will be overcome. I speak, of course, only from hearsay, but I understand from his lordship that it is replete with every modern convenience. It contains one large master’s bedroom, a well appointed sitting-room, water both hot and cold –’

‘The usual domestic offices?’ I said. And I meant it to sting.

‘Yes, sir. Furthermore, you will be quite adjacent to Mr Fittleworth.’

‘And you will be quite adjacent to your fish.’

‘Why, yes, sir. The point had not occurred to me, but now that you mention it that is certainly so. I should find a little fishing most enjoyable, if you could spare me from time to time while we are at Wee Nooke.’

‘Did you say “Wee Nooke”?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Spelled, I’ll warrant, with an “e”?’

‘Yes, sir.’

I breathed heavily through the nostrils.

‘Well, listen to me, Jeeves. The thing’s off. You understand? Off. Spelled with an o and two f’s. I’m dashed if I’m going to be made a – what’s the word?’

‘Sir?’

‘Catspaw. Though why catspaw? I mean, what have cats got to do with it?’

‘The expression derives from the old story of the cat, the monkey and the chestnuts, sir. It appears –’

‘Skip it, Jeeves. This is no time for chewing the fat about the animal kingdom. And if it’s the story about where the monkey puts the nuts, I know it and it’s very vulgar. Getting back to the
res
, I absolutely, positively and totally refuse to go to Steeple Bumpleigh.’

‘Well, of course, sir, it is perfectly open to you to adopt the attitude you indicate, but –’

He paused, massaging the chin. I saw his point.

‘Uncle Percy would look askance, you mean?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘And might report the matter to Aunt Agatha?’

‘Precisely, sir. And her ladyship, when incensed, can be noticeably unpleasant’

‘
Rem acu tetigisti
,’ I said, moodily. ‘All right, start packing.’

IT HAS BEEN
well said of Bertram Wooster by those who enjoy his close acquaintance that if there is one quality more than another that distinguishes him, it is his ability to keep the lip stiff and upper and make the best of things. Though crushed to earth, as the expression is, he rises again – not absolutely in mid-season form, perhaps, but perkier than you would expect and with an eye alert for silver linings.

Waking next morning to another day and thumbing the bell for the cup of tea, I found myself, though still viewing the future with concern, considerably less down among the wines and spirits than I had been yestreen. The flesh continued to creep briskly at the thought of entering the zone of influence of Uncle Percy and loved ones, but I was able to discern one reasonably brightish spot in the set up.

‘You did say, Jeeves,’ I said, touching on this as he entered with the steaming Bohea, ‘that Aunt Agatha would not be at Steeple Bumpleigh to greet me on my arrival?’

‘Yes, sir. Her ladyship expects to be absent for some little time.’

‘If she’s going to remain with young Thos till they’ve demumped him, it may well be that she will be away during the whole of my sojourn.’

‘Quite conceivably, sir.’

‘That is a substantial bit of goose.’

‘Yes, sir. And I am happy to be able to indicate another. In the course of her visit yesterday, Miss Hopwood mentioned a fancy dress ball which, it appears, is to take place at East Wibley, the market town adjacent to Steeple Bumpleigh. You will enjoy that, sir.’

‘I shall, indeed,’ I assented, for as a dancer I out-Fred the nimblest Astaire, and fancy dress binges have always been my dish. ‘When does it come to a head?’