The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 2: (Jeeves & Wooster): No. 2 (37 page)

And then I stopped laughing heartily. The frightful significance of his words hit me, and I started as if somebody had jabbed a red-hot skewer through the epidermis.

‘You aren’t telling me you worked those off on Uncle Percy?’

‘Yes, Bertie. That is what I did.’

‘Golly!’

‘That about covers it.’

I groaned a hollow one. The heart had sunk. One has, of course, to make allowances for writers, all of them being more or less loony. Look at Shakespeare, for instance. Very unbalanced. Used to go about stealing ducks. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help feeling that in springing Joke Goods on the guardian of the girl he loved Boko had carried an author’s natural goofiness too far. Even Shakespeare might have hesitated to go to such lengths.

‘But why?’

‘I suppose the idea at the back of my mind was that I ought to show him my human side.’

‘Did he take it big?’

‘Pretty big.’

‘He didn’t like it?’

‘No. I can answer that question without reservation. He did not like it.’

‘Has he forbidden you the house?’

‘You don’t have to forbid people houses after looking at them as he looked at me over the Surprise Salt Shaker. The language of the eyes is enough. Do you know the Surprise Salt Shaker? You joggle it, and out comes a spider. The impression I received was that he was allergic to spiders.’

I rose. I had heard enough.

‘I’ll be pushing along,’ I said, rather faintly.

‘What’s the hurry?’

‘I ought to be going to Wee Nooke. Jeeves will be arriving at any moment with the luggage, and I shall have to get settled in.’

‘I see. I would come with you, only I am in the act of composing a well-expressed letter of apology to my Lord Worplesdon. I had better finish it, though it may not be needed, if all you say about being in a position to plead with him is true. Plead well, Bertie.
Pitch
it strong. Let the golden phrases come rolling out like honey. For, as I say, I don’t think you’ve got an easy job on your hands. Eloquence beyond the ordinary will be required. And, by the way. Not a word to Nobby about that lunch. The facts will have to be broken to her gently and by degrees, if at all.’

My mood, as I set a course for Wee Nooke, was, as you may well suppose, a good deal less effervescent than it had been. The idea of pleading with Uncle Percy had lost practically all its fascination.

There rose before me a vision of this relative by marriage, as he would probably appear directly I mentioned Boko’s name – the eyes glaring, the moustache bristling and the
tout ensemble
presenting a strong resemblance to a short-tempered tiger of the jungle which has just seen its peasant shin up a tree. And while it would be going too far, perhaps, to say that Bertram Wooster shuddered, a certain coolness of the feet unquestionably existed.

I was trying to hold the thought that, once that merger had gone through, joy would most likely reign so supreme that the old bounder would look even on Boko with the eye of kindliness, when there came the ting of a bicycle bell, and a voice called my name, Woostering with such vehemence that I immediately braked the car and glanced round. The sight I saw smote me like a blow.

Heaving alongside was Stilton Cheesewright, and on his face, as he alighted from his bicycle and confronted me, there was about as unpleasant a look as ever caught me in the eyeball. It was a look pregnant with amazement and hostility. A Gorblimey-what’s-this-blighter-doing-here look. The sort of look, in fine, which the heroine of a pantomime gives the Demon King when he comes popping up out of a trap at her elbow. And I could follow what was passing in his mind as clearly as if it had been broadcast on a nation-wide hook-up.

All along, I had been far from comfortable when speculating as to what this Othello’s reactions would be on discovering me in the neighbourhood. The way in which he had received the information that I was an old acquaintance of Florence’s had shown that his thoughts had been given a morbid turn, causing him to view Bertram with suspicion, and I had been afraid that he was going to place an unfortunate construction on my sudden arrival in her vicinity. It was almost inevitable, I mean, that the thing should smack, in his view, far too strongly of Young Lochinvar coming out of the West. And, of course, my lips being sealed, I couldn’t explain.

A delicate and embarrassing situation.

And yet, amazing though you will find the statement, what was
causing
me to goggle at him with saucer eyes was not this look that told me that my fears had been well founded, but the fact that the face attached to it was topped by a policeman’s helmet. The burly frame, moreover, was clad in a policeman’s uniform, and on the feet one noted the regulation official boots or beetle crushers which go to complete the panoply of the awful majesty of the Law.

In a word, Stilton Cheesewright had suddenly turned into a country copper, and I could make nothing of it.

I STARED AT
the man.

‘Stap my vitals, Stilton,’ I cried, in uncontrollable astonishment. ‘Why the fancy dress?’

He, too, had a question to ask.

‘What the hell are you doing here, you bloodstained Wooster?’

I held up a hand. This was no time for side issues.

‘Why are you got up like a policeman?’

‘I am a policeman.’

‘A policeman?’

‘Yes.’

‘When you say “policeman”,’ I queried, groping, ‘do you mean “policeman”?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re a policeman?’

‘Yes, blast you. Are you deaf? I’m a policeman.’

I grasped it now. He was a policeman. And, my mind flashing back to yesterday’s encounter in the jewellery bin, I realized what had made his manner furtive and evasive when I had asked him what he did at Steeple Bumpleigh. He had shrunk from revealing the truth, fearing lest I might be funny at his expense – as, indeed, I would have been, extraordinarily funny. Even now, though the gravity of the situation forbade their utterance, I was thinking of at least three priceless cracks I could make.

‘What about it? Why shouldn’t I be a policeman?’

‘Oh rather.’

‘Half the men you know go into the police nowadays.’

I nodded. This was undoubtedly true. Since they started that College at Hendon, the Force has become congested with one’s old buddies. I remember Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps describing to me with gestures his emotions on being pinched in Leicester Square one Boat-Race Night by his younger brother George. And much the same thing happened to Freddie Widgeon at Hurst Park in connection with his cousin Cyril.

‘Yes,’ I said, spotting a flaw, ‘but in London.’

‘Not necessarily.’

‘With the idea of getting into Scotland Yard and rising to great heights in their profession.’

‘That’s what I’m going to do.’

‘Get into Scotland Yard?’

‘Yes.’

‘Rise to great heights?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I shall watch your future progress with considerable interest,’ I said.

But I spoke dubiously. At Eton, Stilton had been Captain of the Boats, and he had also rowed assiduously for Oxford. His entire formative years, therefore, as you might say, had been spent in dipping an oar into the water, giving it a shove and hauling it out again. Only a pretty dumb brick would fritter away his golden youth doing that sort of thing – which, in addition to being silly, is also the deuce of a sweat – and Stilton Cheesewright was a pretty dumb brick. A fine figure of a young fellow as far northwards as the neck, but above that solid concrete. I could not see him as a member of the Big Four. Far more likely that he would end up as one of those Scotland Yard bunglers who used, if you remember, always to be getting into Sherlock Holmes’s hair.

However, I didn’t say so. As a matter of fact, I didn’t say anything, for I was too busy pondering on this new and unforeseen development. I was profoundly thankful that Jeeves had voted against my giving Florence a birthday present. Such a gift, if Stilton heard of it, would have led to his tearing me limb from limb or, at the best, summoning me for failing to abate a smoky chimney. You can’t be too careful how you stir up policemen.

I had succeeded in sidetracking his question for a space, but I knew that the respite would be merely temporary. They train these cops to stick to the point. I was not surprised, therefore, when he now repeated it. I’m not saying I didn’t wish he hadn’t. All I’m saying is that I wasn’t surprised.

‘Well, to blazes with all that. You haven’t told me what you are doing in Steeple Bumpleigh.’

I temporized.

‘Oh, just making a passing sojourn,’ I said nonchalantly, the old, careless Bertram Wooster.

‘You mean you’ve come to stay?’

‘For a while. Somewhere over yonder is my little nest. I hope you will frequently drop in, when off duty.’

‘And what made you suddenly decide to come taking little nests in these parts?’

I went into my routine.

‘Jeeves wanted to do a bit of fishing.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yes. He tells me it is admirable here. You find the hook, and the fish do the rest.’

For quite a while he had been staring at me in an unpleasant, boiled sort of way, the brows drawn, the eyes bulging in their sockets. The austerity of his gaze now became intensified. Except for the fact that he hadn’t taken out a notebook and a stub of pencil, he might have been questioning some rat of the underworld as to where he had been on the night of June the twenty-fifth.

‘I see. That is your statement, is it? Jeeves wanted to do a bit of fishing?’

‘That’s right.’

‘Oh? Well, I’ll tell you what you wanted to do, young blasted Wooster. A bit of snake in the grassing.’

I affected not to have grabbed the gist, though in reality I had got it nicely.

‘Snake in the whatting?’

‘Grassing.’

‘I don’t follow you.’

‘Then I’ll make it clearer. You’ve come here to sneak round Florence.’

‘My dear chap!’

He ground a tooth or two. It was plain that he was in dangerous mood.

‘I may as well tell you,’ he resumed, ‘that I was not at all satisfied with your evidence – with what you said when I saw you yesterday. You stated that you had known Florence –’

‘Just one moment, Stilton. Sorry to interrupt, but do we bandy a woman’s name?’

‘Yes, we do, and ruddy well keep on bandying it.’

‘Oh, right ho. I just wanted to know.’

‘You stated that you had known Florence only slightly. “Pretty well” was the exact expression you used, and it seemed to me that your manner was suspicious. So when I got back, I saw her and questioned her about you. She confessed that you and she had once been engaged.’

I moistened the lips with the tip of the tongue. I am never at my best
tête à tête
with the constabulary. They always seem somehow to quell my manly spirit. It may be the helmet that does it, or possibly the boots. And, of course, when one of the
gendarmerie
is accusing you of trying to pinch his girl, the embarrassment deepens. At moment of going to press, with Stilton’s eyes boring holes through me, I had begun to feel like Eugene Aram just before they put the gyves on his wrists. I don’t know if you remember the passage? ‘Ti-tum-ti-tum ti-tumty turn, ti-tumty tumty mist (I think it’s mist), and Eugene Aram walked between, with gyves upon his wrist.’

I cleared the throat, and endeavoured to speak with a winning frankness.

‘Why, yes. That’s right. It all comes back to me. We were. Long ago.’

‘Not so long ago.’

‘Well, it seems like long ago.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is that so?’

‘Positively.’

‘The whole thing’s over, eh?’

‘Definitely.’

‘Nothing between you now?’

‘Not a thing.’

‘Then how do you account for the fact that she gives you a copy of her novel and writes “To Bertie, with love from Florence” in it?’

I tottered. And at the same time, I’m bound to confess, I found myself feeling a new respect for Stilton. At first, if you recollect, when he had spoken of rising to great heights at Scotland Yard, I had thought lightly of his chances. It seemed to me now that he must have the makings of a very hot detective indeed.

‘You had the book with you when you came into that jeweller’s shop. You left it on the counter, and I looked inside.’

I revised my views about his sleuthing powers. Not so hot, after all. Sherlock Holmes, if you remember, always said that it was a mistake for a detective to explain his methods.

‘Well?’

I laughed lightly. At least, I tried to. As a matter of fact, the thing came out more like a death rattle.

‘Oh, that was rather amusing.’

‘All right. Go on. Make me laugh.’

‘I was in the book shop, and she came in –’

‘You had an assignation with her in a book shop?’

‘No, no. Just an accidental meeting.’

‘I see. And you’ve come down here to arrange another.’

‘Good Lord, no.’

‘Do you seriously expect me to believe that you aren’t trying to steal her from me?’

‘Nothing could be farther from my thoughts, old man.’

‘Don’t call me “old man”.’

‘Right ho, if you don’t like it. The whole thing, officer, is one of those absurd misunderstandings. As I was starting to tell you, I was in this book shop –’

Here he interrupted me, damning the book shop with a good deal of heartiness.

‘I’m not interested in the book shop. The point is that you have come down here to make a snake in the grass of yourself, and I’m not going to have it. I have just one thing to say to you, Wooster. Get out!’

‘But –’

‘Push off. Remove your beastly presence. Pop back to your London residence and stay there. And do it quick.’

‘But I can’t.’

‘What do you mean?’

Well, as I said before, my lips were sealed. But the Woosters are swift thinkers.

‘Old Boko,’ I explained. ‘I am acting for him in a rather delicate matter. As you possibly may know, my Uncle Percy is endeavouring to put the bee on his union with Nobby, and I have promised the young couple that I will plead for them. This will, of course, involve my remaining
in statu
– what is it?’