The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (11 page)

Your friend,

SUPER-JERRY

PS: And someday I will.

DEAR SUPERMAN,

Just in case you don’t know what a Thing is that’s the Thing you pee out of. Except you don’t have to pee because you’re Super. But I do. And so that’s what a Thing is. And I wonder if that’s what Buster was doing, peeing in the bedroom? I wouldn’t like it either if I was my mom. But I’m not. I’m just me. So what do you think?

Your Pal Jerry Again

PS: Since you don’t have to pee because you’re Super then maybe you don’t have a Thing. But if you didn’t have a Thing then you’d be a girl. But you’re not a girl. You’re Superman. And if you don’t pee out of it, then what do you do with it? Robert said maybe it has a special power like your eyes have X-ray Vision. Is that it?

Dear SUPERPAL,

The other day guess what? Well, Sister Mary Justin noticed I didn’t have my Catechism and so she asked me where it was? And I said I gave it to a friend so he wouldn’t go to Hell. And she said YOU WHAT? And I said he wasn’t a Catholic and he wanted to become one and so I gave it to him. And you know what, Superman? She thought that was real nice. She really did. She even smiled at me which she never did before. And then she asked me who I gave it to? And I said it’s a secret. And she said maybe she could go talk to him and help him become a Catholic so who is it? And I said I better not tell you. And she stopped smiling 
and she said I might go to Hell because maybe she might be able to save him and I’ll stop her SO TELL ME, JEROME! So I knew it’d be just as bad if I didn’t tell her as if I did tell her. So I told her. And that’s why the rest of this story is just like the other ones only I didn’t cry, Superman. So maybe I’m getting used to it. Or else maybe I’m getting Super like you. I sure hope so.

YOUR FRIEND JERRY and Robert

PS: We’ve been looking pretty close at the comicbooks and we even got a magnifying glass that Robert’s brother Bruno uses for his coin collection. And it don’t look like your Thing is very Super but I can’t really tell since you always wear a swimming suit over your leotards. And so is it? I told Robert it MUST be but we’re not very sure.

Dear Man of Steel,

Yesterday in Religion class Sister Mary Justin said men are better than women because Eve listened to The Devil first when he pretended to be a snake. And then Adam listened to Eve. And so they both got in trouble. And that’s why women aren’t good enough to be priests and so they have to be nunns. And that’s why girls can’t be alterboys. And that’s why God had a son and not a daughter. And that’s why God the Father isn’t God the Mother. And I don’t know what the Holy Ghost is because Sister Mary Justin said he’s a bird and not a person. But you know what I’m beginning to think, Superman?

I’m beginning to think that Things must be more importent than anything else. Even souls. Because women 
are allowed to have souls too. I think. And you know what else I think? I think the BIGGER your Thing is then the stronger you are. I mean, look at women—they don’t have any Thing and that’s why they’re so weak. And look at my dad. His Thing is a LOT bigger than Buster’s and that’s why he’s stronger. And Buster’s Thing is bigger than mine and that’s why he’s stronger. And so your Thing must be the BIGGEST Thing in the world, Superman, because you’re stronger than ANYBODY.

That’s why we’re sending you Robert’s ruler. I already sent you my Catechism and so now it’s Robert’s turn to send you something. What we want you to do is measure it and then tell us how long it is. And if one ruler isn’t enough then you’ll have to buy another one. Or maybe you could get a yard stick. Anyway, if you tell me how long it is then I’ll know how long I have to wait until I become SUPER like you. I hope it won’t be very long. Goodby.

Your BEST friends,

JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT

PS: I measured mine last night and it’s a inch and another little line. That’s pretty good isn’t it?

DEAR SUPERMAN,

The other day on Monday I asked Mrs. Bacchio if she thought Superman was a Catholic and she thought about it for a while. And then she smiled. And then she said I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE, BUT I GUESS IT’S POSSIBLE.

And I said WELL WOULD YOU WANT HIM TO BE A CATHOLIC OR WOULDN’T YOU?

And she said I THINK THAT WOULD BE NICE.

And I said SO DO I AND SO DOES ROBERT.

And Robert said AND SO DOES GOD.

And she laughed and said YES, HE PROBABLY DOES.

And so I don’t care what the other kids say because I’m GLAD I sent you my Catechism, Superman. And I think it’s too bad that Mrs. Bacchio is a woman because I really like her a LOT. And so does Robert Sipanno. And we think God should of created Mrs. Bacchio instead of Eve because then Adam probly wouldn’t of got in all that trouble. But I guess Adam and Mrs. Bacchio wouldn’t sound as good as Adam and Eve. And besides, if Mrs. Bacchio was Eve then Eve would probly be Mrs. Bacchio and then we’d NEVER get any free comicbooks.

So maybe it’s better this way after all.

YOUR PALS,

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: Me and Robert just figured out a REALLY good way to trick Mr. Mxyzptlk! What you could do is ask him to be on the Mickey Mouse Club show because he’s a imp and so he already looks like a Mousekateer anyway. And besides it’s one of my FAVORITEST programs and I NEVER miss it and I just KNOW all the Mickey Mousekateers would help you get rid of him. And the way you could do it is wait until the end of the show when Karen and Cubby and Annette and Jimmy and everybody sings M-I-CCCCCCC . . . K-E-YYYYYYY . . . M-O-U-S-EEEEEEE . . . Only you could change it to 1-K-LLLLLLL . . . L-T-PPPPPPP . . . P-Z-Y-X-MMMMMMM . . . and then he would disappear in front of me and Annette and Robert and everybody else who was watching. Isn’t that a GOOD one?

Dear Jimmy Olsen,

Robert just read that story about you and that UGLY monster and so did I and we both HATED it. It was really terrible how he came from that other planet and he wouldn’t let you alone and he followed you everywhere and he scared everybody because he was so ugly. Even uglier than Mary Louise Wesson. And so nobody wanted to be your friend anymore because that monster followed you everywhere and he even slept with you. And you tried to get rid of him but you couldn’t because Superman wasn’t around to help you. He was out in outer space for a while. So finally the monster said he would leave you alone if you went back to his world with him for just two hours. And you HAD to get rid of him and so you said OK. Only when you got back to his world you started scaring everybody because they thought YOU was ugly. When actually all of THEM was ugly. And so you felt real bad. And so Robert wanted me to write you this letter and tell you how he thinks you’re pretty handsome. And so does everybody else except Sister Mary Justin. And we know what it’s like when nobody likes you very much and everybody calls you names. Especially Jimmy Sinceri. So we want you to know that we like you ALL the time. And we’ll ALWAYS be your friends even if you really do get ugly. And if you ever decide to become a Catholic then FOR SURE we will. So don’t worry.

Your PALS,

ROBERT SIPANNO and JERRY CHARIOT