The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (10 page)

DEAR SUPERMAN,

You see, my mom’s got this towel which is REAL old 
and it’s got a hole in it and so I figured she won’t miss it. And what I did was I got a Magic Marker and I put a S on the back of it and that stands for Super Jerry. I wanted to put SJ on it but then Robert said that might stand for Sister Mary Justin and so we just put a S on it like yours. I hope you don’t mind. And I usually climb to the second branch but this time I climbed to the third. And I put my hands out in front of me. And Robert said ARE YOU READY?

And I said YES.

And Robert said I’LL COUNT TO THREE OK?

And he did.

And I flew REAL good, Superman. Only I didn’t land too good and that’s why my foot still hurts. Only I can’t tell my mom because she’ll get mad because I wasn’t supposed to be up that high. Especially with a cape on. So Robert said maybe I should become indestructable before I learn how to fly and this way I won’t get hurt just in case I don’t do it. But you just wait, Superman. I’ll do it. You’ll see. I KNOW I’ll do it because I REALLY want to, Superman. You’ll see.

GETTING SUPER,

JERRY

Dear SUPERMAN,

The other day my brother Buster asked me who I liked better than anybody else in the hole world. The reason he asked me was because he wanted me to ask him the same question back. Because Buster is a lot older than me and so he likes girls and he likes this one girl named Mary Louise quite a bit. So he wanted to tell me how he likes her more than ANYBODY in the hole world even though she’s got a 
bigger nose than he’s got. And so I said SUPERMAN. And he said WHAT? And I said I LIKE SUPERMAN BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THE HOLE WORLD. And he said YOU MUST BE A QUEER. And I said WHAT’S A QUEER? And he said BOYS ARE SUPPOSED TO LIKE GIRLS NOT BOYS. LIKE ME. I LIKE MARY LOUISE. BOY DO I LIKE MARY LOUISE. MAYBE I EVEN LOVE HER. And I said WHAT’S A QUEER? again. And he said THAT’S A BOY WHO LIKES OTHER BOYS. THAT’S A SISSIE. And I said I AIN’T NO SISSIE! And he said YES YOU ARE IF YOU LIKE SUPERMAN. And I said NO I AIN’T! And he said SISSIEEEEEEEEEE! And I said WELL I THINK SUPERMAN IS BETTER THAN MARY LOUISE ANY DAY. SHE’S GOT A BIG NOSE AND SHE’S ALWAYS GOT PIMPELS ON HER CHIN. And Buster said DON’T SAY THAT ABOUT MARY LOUISE! I LOVE HER! And I said WELL IT’S TRUE. And he got real mad and hit me real hard. And then he called me a queer again. And then he said Superman’s probly a queer too. And then he walked away.

And so me and Robert talked about it quite a bit and then we decided to ask Robert’s big brother Bruno what a queer was and Bruno said it was something REAL bad and we couldn’t find out about it until after we got older. And Robert said WHY? And Bruno said BECAUSE IT’S A SIN and so he couldn’t even talk about it. And Sister Mary Justin never told us about that sin before so maybe we should ask her about it. Except Robert won’t do it and I don’t think I will either. But we figure if it’s REAL bad then you can’t be one. Not you, Superman. You’re perfect. And since you’re perfect, you must know what a queer is. So what is it please? Thank you very much.

YOUR FRIENDS,

JERRY and ROBERT

DEAR SUPERMAN,

The other day in Religion class Sister Mary Justin told us a story about a little kid who was gonna make his First Holy Communion. So first he had to make his First Holy Confession so he could tell the priest all his sins and be forgiven. Which he did. Except he forgot one of them on purpose because it was a MORTAL SIN and he was afraid.

And when it came time to make his First Holy Communion and he was all dressed up in his brand new First Holy Communion suit and he was on his way to the church with his mom and dad and everybody else in his entire family, that’s when he started thinking about that Mortal Sin which was crawling around inside of him like a snake.

And then it came time to make his First Holy Communion and EVERY seat in the church was filled and some people were even standing and he walked up to the alter and he knelt down and he closed his eyes and everybody watched as he stuck out his tongue like you’re supposed to do when the priest is gonna give it to you. And then the priest gave it to him. And then you know what happend, Superman?

He felt something real hot in his mouth. So he opened his eyes and there was blood dripping allover his chin and his neck and his brand new First Holy Communion suit. It was the blood of The Baby Jesus and it meant he was gonna go to HELL for sure. That’s what Sister Mary Justin said. She said our sins drive NAILS into The Baby Jesus if we don’t confess them. She looked right at me when she said that.

That’s why I GOTTA find out if I’m a queer, Superman. Because if I am and if it’s a Mortal Sin, then what’s gonna

happen when me and Robert make our First Holy Communion? Because I figure if I’m a queer then Robert’s probly one too. Goodby.

Your Friends,

JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT

You see, Superman,

Sister Mary Justin said one Mortal Sin is worse than a HUNDRED venial sins because a venial sin is just a little one like telling a lie or not doing your own homework. But a Mortal Sin is a BIG one like murdering somebody or not going to Mass on Sunday. And Robert said CAN WE GO TO ANOTHER CHURCH INSTEAD OF MASS? And Sister Mary Justin said NO, YOU HAVE TO GO TO MASS OR ELSE IT’S A MORTAL SIN! So that means all the Protestents and Negros and everybody else is going to Hell. And so are the queers maybe. Except we’re not too sure. But Robert said we better make sure Superman’s a Catholic just in case he runs into a piece of Kryptonite and goes to Hell. It’d be really AWFUL if we ended up in Heaven or someplace else without you, Superman. That’s why I’m sending you my Catechism because it explains EVERYTHING you need to know about to become a real Catholic just in case you’re not already. So if you are, please pass it on to Supergirl if she needs it. Or else you could give it to Jimmy Olsen. But we don’t think you should give it to Lois Lane even if she’s a Protestent.

Your Pals,

Jerry AND Robert

Dear Superman,

Me and Robert can’t stop thinking about it and we decided that it don’t matter if you go to Hell or not because the flames can’t hurt you anyway because you’re indestructable even after you die. And then if you wanted, you could fly to Heaven and visit me and Robert and Jimmy Olsen for a while. And since everybody in Heaven would already be happy and have wings and everything then they wouldn’t need you anyway. So you could go back to Hell and use your Super-breath to cool off all those people down there because they sure could use it. That’s what Robert Sipanno said. He said God probly doesn’t even want, you to become a Catholic. He probly WANTS you to go to Hell and save people after you die. So why don’t you give my Catechism to Jimmy Olsen and tell him Robert said HI. Goodby.

JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT SIPANNO

PS: Besides, if you went to Hell then Mr. Mxyzptlk! would never go there to bother you because NOBODY wants to go to Hell. Not even a imp.

DEAR SUPERMAN,

The other day my mom caught Buster doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing with his Thing. He was in the bedroom doing it when my mom walked in and he didn’t know it until she started yelling. BOY did she 
yell! I don’t know exactly what Buster was doing but I heard my mom and dad whispering about it later. My mom told my dad how Buster was looking at a picture of Mary Louise Wesson while he was doing it. And then she started crying. And my dad said ALL KIDS DO IT AT PUBERTY. And I don’t know what puberty is but it must be something in the bedroom because that’s where he was doing it at. And so my mom said IT’S NOT NORMEL! And when I heard that I figured maybe it was a good chance to find out what a queer was. So I said MAYBE IT’S QUEER and my mom and dad looked up. I guess they didn’t know I was listening. But BOY did they get mad, Superman! Especially my mom. She didn’t even wait for my dad to get up and hit me. She did it herself. Then she said I was a ROTTEN LITTLE BRAT and she smacked me right across the face. Real hard. Then she told me to get out of her site, RIGHT THIS INSTANT, DO YOU HEAR ME YOUNG MAN? So I went to look for Buster because I figured since we’re BOTH in trouble then maybe he’d like me a little more now. But he didn’t because when I asked him what he was doing with his Thing he said GET LOST! And then he hit me across the face like my mom did. And that’s why I don’t like groan ups, Superman. Except Mrs. Bacchio. Because groan ups always yell at you and hit you and tell you what you have to do all the time. And you can’t do nothing about it. Not until you get big enough to hit somebody like Buster hits me sometimes. Because then you’re not so little anymore because somebody else is littler because everybody wants to be bigger than somebody, Superman. But not me. I want to be bigger than EVERYBODY. I want to be