The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (5 page)

Dear Lois Lane,

We used to think Clark Kent was Superman but now we don’t anymore. You see, last week we saw Clark Kent standing on the corner innerviewing somebody for a scoop when allofasudden Superman went flying up near the Duck Rock. So he can’t be two places at once like God can. So you see, he isn’t.

Goodby.

Sincerly,

Mr. Chariot and Mr. Sipanno

  

Dear SUPERMAN,

We usually have Religion first in the morning but 
sometimes we have it last and we have Geography first. And sometimes we don’t have Geography at all because Sister Mary Justin thinks it’s better we should know about where we’re going after we die than where we’re going now. So the other morning during Geography class Sister Mary Justin asked us where we would like to go most of all if we could go ANYWHERE in the hole world most of all. That’s what she said, the hole world, and so I couldn’t say Krypton or Mars. And I was the first one who raised my hand but she still called on Jimmy Sinceri first. She always calls on Jimmy Sinceri first because his older brother is a alter boy and so she likes him. It don’t matter that I have a older sister who is becoming a nunn because that don’t count because of what happend in church which I already told you about. But I never told you about my sister the Sister because I don’t like her very much sometimes. Because every time we get to go see her she always tells me how Sister Mary Justin is one of the BEST nunns in the HOLE convent and how I’m REALLY lucky to have her. The only trouble is that Sister Mary Justin likes certain people and she don’t like certain people and if you’re one of the ones she don’t like then she really HATES you. Because that’s the way nunns are.

Anyway, the other day in Geography class Jimmy Sinceri said he wanted to go to Heaven more than anywhere else in the hole world. But since he couldn’t go to Heaven until after he dies then he’d like to go to Roam where the Pope lives. And Sister Mary Justin liked that.

And then Janie Jobb said she’d like to go to Jeruslum because that’s where Jesus died and she’d like to go walk where Jesus walked on the day he died which was Good Friday last year. And Sister Mary Justin liked that also.

And then Jane Barroni raised her hand and said she wanted to go to the bathroom and she went.

And then Sister Mary Justin said JEROME? And I knew the way she said my real name that she wasn’t gonna like what I said even if I didn’t tell the truth. So I told the truth.

And she said METROPOLIS? I NEVER HEARD OF IT. And I said That’s where Superman lives. And she said SUPERMAN! And I should have known right then to be quiet but I didn’t. And so I said Yes, I want to go to Metropolis so I can see Superman and talk to him and maybe even touch him and shake his hand. And that’s when Sister Mary Justin started to laugh only she didn’t really laugh because it was one of those laughs which says BOY ARE YOU STUPID! And when she laughs like that, that means everybody else in the class is supposed to laugh too. And so they do. And if they don’t then they might get in trouble like I was. Only I think they really like to laugh like that. Especially Jimmy Sinceri.

And so Sister Mary Justin said WHERE IS METROPOLIS, JEROME? And I really hate Jerome even if Saint Jerome was one of the BEST saints in the hole church. But I guess Saint Jerry wouldn’t sound very good. So I said It’s in Pencilvania. And she said WHERE? Only she said it like she already knew. And I said It’s in Pencilvania again. And she didn’t say anything for a long time and she kept looking at me. And then she said WILL YOU PLEASE GO TO THE BLACKBOARD? And so I went. And she said PULL DOWN THE MAP OF PENCILVANIA. And I said I can’t reach it. And she said DUANE? And so Duane did it. And then she said FIND IT! and so I looked.

That’s when she took her watch out from under where she keeps her brests and things and she looked at it. And I looked at the map. Only it was hard to see because my eyes were all watery because everybody was giggling at me. 
And then she started tapping her foot like she does when a test is almost over and she wants to make you nervous. And I was.

And she said WELL? And I said I can’t find it. And she said OF COURSE YOU CAN’T FIND IT! And I said Maybe it’s somewhere else. Maybe it’s in New York or Ohio? And she said YOU ARE SO STUPID! I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU COULD HAVE A SISTER WHO IS BECOMING A NUNN! And I said Maybe it’s in Californya? And she said IT ISN’T ANYWHERE, JEROME! THERE IS NO METROPOLIS JUST LIKE THERE IS NO SUPERMAN! YOU CAN LOOK ALL DAY AND YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT! NEVER! And I said Yes I will! And she said NO YOU WON’T! And I said YES I WILL! again.

That’s when she started to get REALLY mad, Superman. She said I had to do extra homework because I was so dumb and she said I had to write five hundred times THERE IS NO SUPERMAN and she said my mom and dad had to sign it. And you know what I figured, Superman? I figured if I did that then I wouldn’t only be dumb but I’d be a dumb lier. So I said No. And she said WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? And I was really crying and I was really scared but I said NO I WON’T DO IT! THERE IS TOO A SUPERMAN AND I AIN’T GONNA BE A LIER! I AIN’T GONNA GO TO HELL FOR YOU BECAUSE SOMEDAY HE’S GONNA FLY IN HERE THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THEN YOU’LL FIND OUT AND THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY!

Well let me tell you, Superman, she didn’t like that at all. She walked right over to me and she hit me right across the face and she grabbed me by the ear and she dragged me out of the classroom and nobody was laughing anymore because even Jimmy Sinceri was afraid. And 
she dragged me down the steps and into the boys lavatory and it’s a good thing nobody was peeing inside because she didn’t even knock first. She just grabbed some sope and she put it to my mouth and she said CHEW!

And I said NO!

And she said CHEW IT, JEROME!

And I turned my head away.

And she grabbed my chin and squeezd it real hard and she pushed the sope in and I tried to spit it out and so she hit me across the face again.

TALKING TO A NUNN LIKE THAT! she said. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

And my ear was hurting and my face was hurting and my mouth was hurting and I was starting to feel sick. Real sick. In my stomick. And before I knew it all my Rice Krispies and bananas came up and went allover her robes and beads and stuff. And so she got madder and I got sicker and she hit me again. And then she took me up to Sister Agnes Therese the Principle. And then Sister Agnes Therese called my dad and when he took me home he got out the strap and it still hurts. And my dad said THAT’S NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT YOU’RE GONNA GET IF I EVER CATCH YOU READING ANOTHER SUPERMAN COMICBOOK OR IF I EVER HEAR YOU SAY THE NAME SUPERMAN AGAIN OR IF I EVER TALK BACK TO A NUNN!

And that’s the main reason I’m writing this letter, Superman. I thought I should let you know that if you ever decide to write back and tell me where Metropolis is then maybe you should send it to Robert’s house and he’ll give it to me OK?

Thank you very very very verymuch.

Your Friend,

JERRY CHARIOT

PS: Robert’s address is: 155 Elk Avenue

Pulpburg, Pencilvania

Dear Lois Lane,

My name is Mrs. Holbrook and I have a daughter who looks just like you only she isn’t as pretty. And she used to think that Clark Kent and Superman was the Same person. But then she saw them walking into Holy Redeemer Church together and so now she don’t. So there.

Yours Truely,

Mrs. O. L. Holbrook

Dear SUPERMAN,

I’m sorry we haven’t written you a letter in such a long time but me and Robert have been too busy looking for Metropolis in the library where we didn’t find it yet. But don’t worry because we will. We decided we would get a map of every state and check every dot because we gotta find it so Robert can tell Sister Mary Justin where it’s at. Because it wouldn’t be a good idea if I was the one who told her because she won’t listen to me anyway. Anyway, we already checked all the A’s and B’s and C’s and Deleware and it isn’t there. And it probly isn’t in Florida because we ain’t never seen no palm trees in Metropolis. And it probly isn’t in Georgia because we ain’t never seen no Negros either. It sure would help if you just wrote us a letter and told us which state it was in but we know how you’re too busy saving people all the time. Besides, if I’m ever gonna develop my brane and make it Super like yours then I 
better get started right away and figure it out all by myself and Robert. So thank you.

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: Pretty soon you won’t have to worry about Lois Lane bothering you anymore and trying to guess your Secret Identity. We’re taking care of her.

Dear Superpal,

I started to write a letter to your cousin Supergirl but then I changed my mind because I thought maybe you could tell her for me. Thanks. It isn’t that I don’t think she’s pretty because I think she’s pretty pretty. And she’s got the exact same Super powers that you’ve got and I’m getting. Except she’s a girl and so she can’t be as strong as you, Superman. But she’s still stronger than any other normel people (even men) and so I thought I better not merry her until I get Super also. If I do. Someday.

You see, Superman, I don’t think I’d like a wife who’s stronger than me and so everybody would say she has to protect me. My dad says he’s the king in his own castle because he’s a man and a man is the king in his own castle. He says that a lot. Except we don’t really have a castle because it’s just a apartment building. But my dad is still king of the apartment building along with all the other kings in all the other apartments. And that’s what I want to be. But that’s what I wouldn’t be if Supergirl fought all the crime in the family. Do you understand? The other day I jumped out of Old Lady Holbrook’s apple tree again and I flew even farther than the last time and you can even ask 
Robert again if you want to. And so it shouldn’t be very long now. So I hope you’ll tell her, Man of Steel. Thank you.