The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (3 page)

PS: Are you?

Dear Superman,

Pretty soon we’re gonna be making our First Holy Communion and so we have to go to church a lot because we’re gonna be making our First Holy Confession also. So we have to learn about sins and how to confess them and so that’s why we go to the church. And the other day while we was in church we was supposed to pretend that we was getting ready to tell our sins and we was supposed to be thinking about them and praying. Well, since I couldn’t think of very many I decided to read the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN NO. 163 which happend to be in my notebook. That’s the one where you’re flying through Jimmy Olsen’s window but you couldn’t find him because he was all shrunk up and trapped inside that bottle. If you don’t remember then maybe you could ask Jimmy about it because if that ever happend to me I sure wouldn’t forget about it. And when I was on page 4 where Jimmy gets thrown back through the Time Barrier that’s where somebody whisperd JEROME! real loud.

Well, there’s only one person who whispers like that and it’s Sister Mary Justin. And besides, she’s the only one who’s allowed to talk at all in church. And besides, she’s the only one who calls me Jerome. All my friends call my Jerry. And so does my mom. I consider you a friend even if you hardly ever write back, Superman. But that’s OK.

Anyway, when I heard that I knew I was in for it. So did Robert who always sits beside me because he’s the second shortest boy in the class. And I knew it was REALLY bad when Sister Mary Justin never said a word all the way back to Holy Redeemer School. Which is right nextdoor to Holy Redeemer Church. Which is across the street from Holy Redeemer Convent. And when we got back in the class
room, we said our morning' prayers again to thank God we got back allright from the church where we thanked him we got back allright from the school. And after we finished praying, she put her hands under the white bib of her uniform where she hides her pens and roserys and things. And every time she puts her hands there, that means something really bad is gonna happen. And then it happend.

SUPERMAN! she said, and she said it so loud that everybody jumped even Albert Ambrozzi who has to wear a transister radio thing in his ear and who always talks real loud and so everybody’s gonna know all his sins when he crawls in the booth and makes his First Holy Confession.

SUPERMAN IN CHURCH! IN CHURCH! IN CHURCH!

The last time she said CHURCH! like I had committed a Mortal Sin which is the worst kind there is. It’s kinda like Green Kryptonite and it means you’re going to Hell. With venial sins you just go to Purgatory which is sort of like The Phantom Zone where everybody is invisible. I don’t know too much about Heaven yet and I think she’s saving that for the end.

I SIMPLY CAN’T BELIEVE IT! she said, and everybody knew she did believe it especially me. The reason I’m putting all her words in BIG letters is because she always talks loud. Except in church where she whispers loud.

THIS IS THE FIRST THING YOU’VE GOT TO CONFESS! she said. YOU BETTER PRAY YOU DON’T GET HIT BY A CAR WHEN YOU LEAVE SCHOOL BECAUSE IF YOU DIE YOU’LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!

And let me tell you, Superman, Hell is a lot like Krypton on the day it blew up in GIANT SUPERMAN NO. 222 page 10. It’s all hot and red and burning. And you sweat a lot and your skin starts on fire and you want to die 
but you can’t because you’re already dead. So you have to live there forever and ever and maybe even longer.

YOU BETTER PRAY YOU LIVE TO MAKE YOUR FIRST HOLY CONFESSION! YOU BETTER PRAY EVERY MINUTE YOU HAVE!

She was standing right next to me and I looked over at Robert and watched him cry as he looked and watched me cry. Me and Robert do everything together. He’s my bestfriend. That’s when she said I was a SINNER and I had committed a SACRILEDGE and I’d be really lucky if God decided to forgive me.

SUPERMAN IN THE HOUSE OF GOD! she said again and I was really mad. Boy was I mad! But I couldn’t do nothing because I was crying too hard.

And just then she grabbed the comicbook and teared it up and threw it in the air and a piece of Jimmy Olsen’s head floated down on my desk and I felt a really hard BANG! on the back of my head and I got real dizzie. It was like when I got stung by a bee when me and Robert was in our Secret Hiding Place back near Old Lady Holbrook’s spring and it really hurt. I had seen her hit other kids like that but she never hit me like that before and I hope she never does it again. But I think she will because once she doesn’t like you then she NEVER likes you because that’s the way nunns are. She said she was gonna tell the Principle and she said she was gonna call my mom and dad and she said I better pray. And so that’s why I was wondering if you could send her to The Phantom Zone instead of my brother Buster if that’s OK with you? I hope I explained everything so you understand how importent it is, Superman. Thank you very much.

Your Very Good Friends,

JERRY AND ROBERT

PS: If you wanted to send both of them to The Phantom Zone then that would be OK too.

DEAR SUPERMAN,

I look at it this way. You’re just as good as God and so I think it’s OK if you’re in his house and besides I know you wouldn’t mind it if God was in your Fortress of Solitude. I just wanted to tell you that in case you felt bad about what Sister Mary Justin said. Robert helped me think of the idea to write and tell you that. So long.

Your pals,

Jerry Chariot and Robert

PS: I may not be able to write so much anymore because I don’t get no allowence and can’t buy no stamps nomore. Not since Sister Mary Justin called my dad and I got in all that trouble. But Robert said he would pay for all the stamps out of his allowence if we put his name first sometimes.

Robert and Jerry Chariot

  

PS: Robert said to say HI to Jimmy Olsen if he isn’t out getting a scoop.

DEAR SUPERPAL,

A lot of the kids in school have been laughing and teasing me about what happend in church the other day. 
They even call me a SUPER SINNER and the way they talk about me is just like the way they talk about weather nunns have brests or not. Duane Machado who was Saint Joseph in the Christmas play said they don’t have brests and it’s just stuffed with pens and medals and roserys and stuff. Michael Roinski who was a sheep in the Christmas play said they do too have brests only they were cut down and made smaller just like nunns hair is cut short and everybody knows they’re almost bald. And my bestfriend Robert said they have regular brests just like his mother’s only they’re not as big as his mother’s who is also Italien like Robert is. So I thought maybe you could use your X-ray Vision to look under Sister Mary Justin’s uniform and tell me if she’s got brests or if it’s other stuff? And then I could tell all the kids in school. And then maybe they’d like me and they wouldn’t laugh at me and spit on me in the stairwell. Robert says Hello to you and Jimmy Olsen. Goodby.

Your friends,

JERRY CHARIOT AND ROBERT

PS: Me and Robert was climbing up to the Duck Rock which is way up in the hill behind my house and I thought I saw a meteor fall to the Earth and crash. So we tryed to find it because we thought it might be Kryptonite. Only we couldn’t. That’s why we thought as long as you’re using your X-ray Vision on Sister Mary Justin maybe you could also find that Kryptonite. And then you could write us a letter and tell us where it is and we’ll go get rid of it so it don’t kill you in case you decide to come and visit us sometime. You’re welcome.

Our Friend Superman,

Me and Robert just read THE PHANTOM SUPERBOY where you accidently got projected into The Phantom Zone in GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 165. It was too bad how that baby lizzerd accidently pressed the Black Button when you was standing in front of The Phantom Zone Punishment Machine and you disappeard. Boy, if that ever happend to me I would REALLY be scared but you never get sacred and that’s why I like you so much. And so does Robert. And it’s really hard to explain about what I wanted to explain about, Superman. But I’ll try.

You see, Sister Mary Justin in school has been talking a lot about Purgatory lately and how that’s where you go when you’re not bad enough to suffer everlasting punishment in Hell and you’re not good enough to suffer everlasting happiness in Heaven. She said you just have to wait there in Purgatory until God decides you sufferd a lot and then you get into Heaven. And if people on Earth pray for you while you’re in Purgatory then you can get out sooner if you got enough prayers. Like about five hundred million Hail Marys.

But the only trouble is you’re not allowed to pray for yourself while you’re there because it’s too late. That’s why I’m praying a lot now in case I go to Purgatory when I die then I’ll get out a LOT sooner. But if you go to Hell then it don’t matter because you can NEVER get out of Hell. And that means you wasted a lot of time praying on Earth when you didn’t have to. So far I have 677 Hail Marys and 12 Our Father Who Art In Heavens. Which is a LOT more than Robert.

Anyway, what me and Robert was thinking was that Purgatory and The Phantom Zone might be the exact same place exactly. Especially since you can get out of The Phantom Zone after a long time, just like you can get out of Purgatory after a long time. Except you don’t have to pray to get out of The Phantom Zone. You just have to wait.

And me and Robert read in GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 165 how criminels on Krypton were sent to The Phantom Zone because then they were invisible and they couldn’t steel nothing or kill nobody. And after they were there for a long time and they were sorry for their sins, then they could stand in front of The Phantom Zone Punishment Machine and somebody would press the White Button and they’d come back. That’s the way it worked.