Busy?
Was that what being shot at was called now?
“I think you hit your head pretty hard at the station. I figured the drugs weren’t doing you any better so I got ‘em out the good old fashioned way.”
I reached a hand up to gently touch my tender neck and winced. Chris had saved my life.
He readjusted his rifle and my thoughts fell back towards the town.
Jeremy...
I struggled to get back up and grabbed my rifle. My head was still pounding. The taste of blood was still fresh in my mouth. I already had trouble staying up.
“What are you doing?”
I waved him off and caught myself on a dizzy footing. “Amanda, everyone else...we have to go get them.”
Chris caught me before I could even take a step away from him. “We can’t.”
I pushed him away and began to yell. “What the hell are you talking about? They’re still there! We have to go back!” I tried to run away and he dragged me down to the ground. “Get the hell off of me!”
“Jessica—”
“Get off!” I kicked him in the face and started dragging my arms through the dirt. I’d barely gotten a few feet until he grabbed my legs and rolled me over.
“TESS!”
I pushed up at his chest until he pinned the full weight of his body down against my arms. I wouldn’t be going anywhere, but I still struggled to get free and screamed in his face.
He put a hand over my mouth and muffled it before looking back at the town to see if anyone had heard.
I had left everyone back there. They had all been counting on me and I just deserted them. They were all still there because of me. I started to cry as Chris leaned over me with a busted lip.
“Tess, listen to me. We can’t go back. Everyone’s awake, they’re all armed. We’d never make it in alive.”
I could feel my tears roll down my cheeks and onto his hand. We stared at each for a moment and I mumbled underneath his palm.
He furrowed his brow, directing me not to scream again and took his hand off my mouth.
I let myself breath in the cool air for a few more seconds, my tears still coming down. “We’re only alive because of them...” I slammed my head back into the ground at the sound of my own words. I didn’t care about the pain. I had messed everything up. I had left them all there to die. I had felt what it was like again. The sensation still fresh in my mind urged me to run back and get them.
Chris reluctantly stood up and I brushed the dirt off my chest in anger. He shouldn’t have gone without taking anyone else. He was selfish. He fucked them over.
I wiped my nose on the back of my hand. “You should have left me there.”
“No...” He slung his rifle over his shoulder and grabbed a pair of duffel bags. “The whole point was to get the two of us out
alive
.”
I stared up at him from the ground, still sniffling. “So that’s it, then? We just leave them? That’s the plan?”
“We’ll come back.”
“When?” I let the word come out like venom. I wanted to hurt him, to make him feel what I felt, but he showed no sign.
“WHEN YOU’RE READY.”
He glared down at me, seeming to get upset and then took a breath, looking across the field around us.
What was that supposed to mean? When would I ever be ready? What could I possibly have to do to meet his standards?
He spoke softer, his words now probably chosen in advance. “What you’re talking about is complicated and I can’t do it alone.” He held up his bandaged hand. “Fuck, I couldn’t do it alone even if I wanted to. You’re just gonna have to trust me. And that...” He pointed back at the lights surrounding the town. “Whatever
that
is... it's gonna have to wait.”
I sat on the ground and drowned in my own thoughts. Three people had to die to get us out of there. I had promised Jeremy I’d come back and Amanda was no better off than anyone else. I felt like such an asshole.
“Come on.” Chris readjusted the rifle on his shoulder and offered me his hand. “We should keep moving before we settle down for the night. We’re still too close to risk it.”
I got up on my own but stopped to look back at Arrino. The moving lights and sporadic gunfire were a better distraction than we could have ever dreamed of, though at the expense of everyone else. I had no clue what everyone would have to go through and no idea if I would even see the town again. I had wanted to run away from Arrino as soon as I saw it, but now it almost took too much to turn away from the darkened silhouettes of the buildings and leave everyone inside behind.
Chris put a hand on my shoulder. “They'll be okay.”
I shoved him off of me and only glared back. Why did I feel like those words sounded so familiar? I didn't want to think about it. I shouldered my rifle and walked away from the town without even bothering to pay attention to where I was going. I could hear Chris grab the duffel bags that he had managed to bring with and follow suit.
The heart pendant bounced on my chest like a heavy anchor as I marched through dead grass in a nerve spent fever. We were too far away for anyone to hear us, but I still felt like I was making too much noise. I reached around to my side and pressed my fingers against the sharp rail system on my rifle to keep it still. The metal stung, but I didn't care.
I remembered what it had felt like to kill and to die at the same time again, a sensation so incredibly alarming followed by a soft whisper, an unending calmness that seeped into every instance of a being. The pain in my hand meant I was still alive. It meant I was still here. But every time I let go for a quick reprieve, every time my muscles cried out in pain only to be released in soothing atrophy, the silence came back.
And every time, I thought of
her
.
I slammed the car door shut and locked Sarah inside before looking up at the huge wooden logs in front of me. I might have mistaken it for a summer home or lake house if I had arrived with my family on vacation. As it were, we had spent hours on the highway crammed into a tight space to potentially escape the end of the world as we knew it. It was strange to think about it like that, but there was always a first for everything.
Sarah got out of the car behind me, somehow annoyed. “Thanks.”
I glanced at her to see a scowl and realized I must have gotten out first and slammed the door in front of her face. I barely paid it any attention. “Sorry… I forgot.”
Nope. I was a jerk.
My dad came around from the front and we started to follow him towards the cabin, our new and hopefully temporary home. “Remember girls, we’re here because Oliver was nice enough to invite us over, so be nice.”
I hated being grouped up in the collective
girls
term. I was twenty years old at the time. I could take on the world, which is exactly why I ran away to live in a giant cabin in the middle of the woods with my mommy and daddy. They probably needed my help, after all. I couldn’t just leave them.
My mom brought up the rear with a suitcase, admiring the outdoor décor. “You never mentioned how beautiful it was out here.”
My dad looked back over his shoulder. “To be honest, I never really noticed before with everything else that was going on.”
I stared at a carving of a wooden duck as we passed a plot of plants. 'Twas alright. I mean, no 1948 all mahogany Martin acoustic guitar, but whatever. Everybody had their own thing. I thought it was a little strange an older man might take that good care of his property, not to mention the wooden ducks. “Is there a Mrs. Oliver?”
My dad waited for the rest of us at the front door with a perfect version of parental discretion on his face. “I worked on a case with him a few years ago, remember? He lost his wife in a car accident.” He looked me and Sarah over for a moment. “Try not to bring it up.”
I wondered what that would have gone like. I hoped my dad didn’t think I was that much of a jerk. Sure, Sarah, maybe. But me?
Nah.
We waited as my dad rang the doorbell, followed by a handsome hunk opening the door a few seconds later.
“Hey, Mr. Carter.”
My dad shook his hand, beaming. “Zach! You look crazy. You doing football or something?” He grabbed his arm and I hoped that would be a thing and that we’d all get to take turns.
He smiled. Who didn’t like a little bit of flattery? “No, sir. I guess the army just likes to take care of their things.”
“No kidding.” My dad stepped to the side and introduced the rest of us. I shook Zach’s hand for the first time, giving him my best smile. He was cute and probably only a few years older than me, but I had just gone through a rough breakup a few months ago. It was too bad boys were still dead to me.
Zach’s dad, Oliver, was anything but different. Even the same aura of confidence followed him wherever he went. He addressed the rest of us as we filed into the living room, his mobility only limited by a simple cane, yet I could quickly tell that whatever he lacked physically, he made up with energetic discourse.
I stepped forward when it was my turn to introduce myself with another handshake. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Lewandowski.” I thought I might have surprised my dad by pretending not to listen. The truth was I wasn’t all estrogen and heartache, but it was still hard not to show any pain while the older looking gentleman destroyed my fingers with a vigorous shake.
“Please, call me Oliver.”
I was planning on it.
“Your father has gone above and beyond the call of duty for me and my family. I like to think I owe him my life.”
My dad shook his head, grinning. “You know you don’t.”
“I also like to think I know what I’m talking about most of the time.”
“We owe you—“
Oliver raised his hand. “Please. It’s the least we can do. Feel free to make yourselves at home. We might as well get used to getting along with each other.” He smiled and gestured towards me, Sara, and Zach. “You can show these lovely young ladies to their rooms, if you want.” He raised his cane up. “I try not to take the stairs if I can help it.”
I smiled politely and he gave me a wink. Older men with canes of the non-creepy variety were great.
Zach led the two of us from there up and into a guestroom. It turned out that I would have to share a bed with Sara, but it could have been worse. I ran a hand over the soft sheets on the queen sized bed before plopping my backpack down and looked around, admiring how cozy it felt before finally turning back to Zach standing in the doorway.
“Where do you sleep?”
“Just down the hall.” He pointed across the wall when Sarah ducked underneath his arm and jumped on top of our bed, immediately messing it up and ultimately deciding to annoy me.
“She gets cold a lot.” She gently turned her head to look at him and smiled, holding the silence for maximum effect. “And lonely...”
Zach crossed his arms before raising an eyebrow. “Really?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, apparently it’s a
thing
.”
“Well if you get cold in the middle of the night, there should be an extra blanket in the closet.”
Ouch.
Even my sarcastic approach at flirting hurt when it crashed and burned so badly.
He let that settle for a moment before making his way out. “I’m sure you two have a lot to unpack. I’ll let you get to it.”
I turned to Sarah as soon as he left. “Nice one.”
“You should ask him out.”
“You should mind your own business.” I sat down and pulled my pack onto my lap, discouraged. There was way more left in the car. It was going to take practically all day just to get settled in. I let my shoulders sink down as I realized I was going to have to deal with Sarah the whole time as well. It wasn't like she was a little kid anymore, she just knew exactly how to annoy me whenever she wanted.
Starting now. “He’s pretty cute, right?”
“Sure, if you’re into that kinda thing.”
“I think you should go for it.”
“Looks aren’t everything, Sare. I wouldn’t expect you to know that.”
She looked at me, confused, so I pointed at my face.
“You know, with the whole ugly thing you got going on overdrive over there.” I tried not to pay attention as she jumped back onto the bed.
“At least I get the spot next to the window.”
I put my pack back down, ready for revenge. “The fuck you do...”
I was about to teach her another lesson when our mom peeped in, apparently overhearing how adept I was for speaking with culture. “Jessica…”
I stopped and looked back over at her. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were there.” I smiled and she gave me her best parental face of disapproval, as if that wasn’t the point and then walked off, Sarah crawling over me to follow.
We ultimately spent the next few days settling in as best as we could. It was quite a nice place, really—better than anything I deserved—surrounded by beautiful trees and hills in the middle of nowhere, but it wasn’t home. That much would never change.
I stared up at the ceiling from bed that night as a strong thunderstorm pounded the world around us, each flash of light temporarily blinding me. I could tell Sarah was asleep and cursed myself for fighting for the window spot. It tended to let in a cold draft that was only exasperated by the wind at night.
I watched as a small drop of water fell from the ceiling and onto my sheets, but I was too lazy to do anything about it. I ended up falling asleep thinking about how long we would have to stay there and what it would be like going back to school after missing a semester. My dreams were filled with water, some part of me losing traction as each person that I knew was inevitably swept away by waves that I couldn’t control. Weeks later I would wake up after the same dream in a completely different part of the country, but by then things would be different.
*
I woke up without opening my eyes when I felt a sudden warm sensation spread across my chest. At first I thought it was the sun, but then the smell hit me, followed by the hot trickle of a liquid running down my chin. I looked up to see Chris zip his pants back up as my brain woke and finally put everything together.
I sprang up and scrambled away from him as fast as I could and tried to wipe myself off, but it had already soaked into my clothes.
He didn’t seem to pay it much particular attention.
I glared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“You fell asleep.”
His matter of fact response was infuriating. I thought I was going to kill him. “So you PISSED on me?”
He kicked a pile of dirt over the ember-lit remains of our fire before answering, not even bothering to look back over at me. “You were supposed to be on overwatch. Anyone could have gotten the jump on us.”
“Are you serious right now?” I tried to stab him with my eyes and he finally looked at me for the first time that morning.
“Well, you aren't gonna do that again, now are you?”
I really, really wanted to kill him right then and there, but I didn’t say anything. I still couldn’t believe he had just done that.
“There’s a river a few miles south of here. You can wash yourself off there.” He picked up his gun before throwing me my own and started walking off.
I could feel my hands tighten around the cold hard metal, dumbfounded. I thought about throwing it as hard as I could until I noticed Chris had left our bags on the ground. I shouted out after him. “Hey, you left our stuff!”
He answered without even breaking stride. “So pick it up!”
I almost ground my teeth to a pulp. How the hell was he expecting me to carry everything by myself? I looked back over at him, but he wasn’t stopping. Apparently the lessons had already started. He was teaching me the hard way.
I swore, shouldered my M4 and struggled to pick up the rifle bag, almost falling over in the dirt. I had to find a way to lean myself against a tree before I could swing the strap over my shoulder. I repeated the same process for the duffel bag full of ammo and quickly found out I was incredibly top heavy and head to lean forward to keep from falling. If I did, I was afraid that I’d never make it back up.
I waddled towards Chris as fast as I could. Both of my shoulders already burned underneath the weight, but the scarred one felt like it had begun tearing itself apart.
Chris would have nothing of it. “Which way is South?”
“What?” I tried to catch a hold of my breath and still be pissed off at the same time, but it was easier said than done. Things were moving too quick and I was sure he knew where he was going, so why the hell was he asking me? “Don't you know where you're going?”
He shrugged. “You tell me.”
I kept my hateful words in check.
Okay...
I found myself looking for moss on the side of trees before he grabbed my attention again.
“Look up.”
I did as I was told and looked up at the sky. We had just made camp at the outskirts of a forest, so I could easily see past the thin and dried canopy and up at the shades of colors that rose above us. I didn’t get what I was supposed to be doing so Chris offered me another hint.
“Where does the sun rise?”
I couldn't think of an answer off of the top of my head. I should have known, but I couldn't even think.
In outer space, duh.
I took a guess. “North?”
Chris stopped in his tracks and I almost fell over by the time I managed to do the same.
“What?”
He raised an eyebrow at me. “The sun rises in the East, Tess. It sets in the West.”
“Right. What did I say?” I looked back up at the sky to see the majority of the red telltale signs of the sun over my left shoulder. We were already heading south. I readjusted the rifle bag over my shoulder and winced at the pain.
He obviously recognized the discomfort. “You awake yet?”
Dick.
The sun was well in the sky by the time we reached the small stream that was supposed to be a raging river in my mind. I approached the water tentatively. It was what Zach and I had been looking for. I looked down both ends and half expected him to be sitting in the mud with a broken ankle. I would have given anything to see him alive.
I dropped the bags and my gun without any care and plopped myself into the running water. The stream was barely wide enough to cover my body, but it quickly ran over my chest and soaked into my clothes. It had to have been the best thing I had felt in a long time, especially once it helped get rid of the smell.
Of course Chris cut it short. “Normally you should boil water first—“
“But it’s not stagnant, so we can probably risk it if we make a filter. Yeah, I know.” I sat up and looked at him, annoyed. “Follow rivers downstream because they lead to civilization and the sea. I get it. I’m not dumb. I know what you’re trying to do.”