I looked down at my shoes. “Me.” I forced a knot past my throat. “Until we got back.” I could feel their silence burn in my ears and embarrassment stab its way through my stomach as if my guts were hanging out from in front of me. It made me wonder what the wounded man had gone through. Which had felt worse? The physical pain? Or everyone watching?
I was too embarrassed to look up. When I finally did, Jeremy was the only one that still had eyes on me, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
Mike hit Nick. “Way to go, idiot.”
“How's this my fault?”
“Fuck it,” said Jeremy. His eyes bounced onto each of us and commanded our full attention in turn. “We’re leaving before those trucks come back. Once they do, we’ll be outnumbered even more. It’s our best shot. We're not gonna let anyone touch her.” He stopped on me.
I wanted to say something. I felt like I should have at least thanked him, but Simon was the first to object.
“Speak for yourself. We’re already outgunned. I mean, yeah, this sucks.” He gestured towards me. “And I'm sorry, you seem really nice, but you have to admit, it beats getting shot at.” He crossed his arms and waited for a moment, nervous, probably unsure how anyone would react to his words. “Plus, you can’t tell us all what to do.”
Jeremy nodded, curtly. “You're right. So we vote on it. We either make our move or do nothing.” He took a moment and let everyone think about it. “All in favor of getting the hell out of here?”
Jeremy, Scott, and Murphy raised their hands.
“All in favor of doing nothing...”
Nick, Simon, and Mike raised their hands.
“That’s three to three. Tess, you didn’t raise your hand.”
I was surprised that I even got a vote, but I realized that we all had at least one thing in common; it was us versus Ryan. If we had to draw up teams somehow, then that was the only way that naturally made any sense. I started to think about Zach and wondered if he was going through the same thing somewhere. I raised my hand. “I wanna leave.”
“Good girl,” said Jeremy. “Then we need a distraction. It’s the only way we’d ever get a shot. We need to move everyone—the guys at the gate, even the ones outside—in here.”
They were quiet, so I stepped up. “What about a fire?”
Jeremy agreed, building on the momentum. “Yeah. At night, something big. Everyone would see it. The supplies are here. They’d all run in to check it out.”
“Actually, that might work,” said Scott. “Anyone got a lighter?”
One after the other, they all ended up turning towards Murphy as he casually pulled out a lighter and lit himself a cigarette. We watched as
The Law
slowly took a drag and held it for some inconceivable amount of time before finally letting it go. “Fine, but—”
Nick swiped it out of the air with a wink. “Thanks, baby-girl.”
Murphy silently brooded at that but let it go.
“Okay,” said Jeremy. “We'll get everything ready in the morning and then start a fire at night, catch 'em in the middle of a shift change while they're sleeping. If we're lucky, they might even leave the door open for us.”
“Yeah,” Simon snorted. “And if we're lucky, then we won't get shot in the back on the way out.”
“He's right,” said Scott. “If we don't keep tabs on everyone the whole time, this'll never work. We should at least spend a day or two to make sure we know their routine, then we'll make our move.” He glanced over his shoulder. “And it probably wouldn’t hurt to have a lookout so we don’t blow our load too early.”
I stood up straight. I needed some fresh air. “I’ll do it.”
He seemed to hesitate for a split second, but gave me a nod. “Just let us know if you hear anyone nearby.”
“Right.”
I needed to pry everyone's eyes off me. And the feet smell...
Good God.
I stepped outside and took a deep breath. It felt just as good as I thought it would. The stars were out; there weren’t any clouds to block them and a nice breeze threw my bangs across my eyes. I could never see them like that in the city, or at all, for that matter, but all the way out here the Milky Way poured over the world like a fountain. It was beautiful.
I was surprised to see Jeremy join me a few minutes later, closing the flap to the discussion inside. “Hey. You okay?”
I looked back up at the sky. They had a way of making me feel a little smaller along with my problems, though not quite small enough. “Yeah.”
He threw a thumb over his shoulder. “I'm sorry about Nick...what he said...”
I shrugged it off. Something like that was bound to happen sooner or later. It was actually probably better that it was with guys like them. Being embarrassed was going to be the least of my problems.
Jeremy followed my gaze beside me. “How’d you end up out here, anyway?”
I swung my arm. I wasn't really sure. I had neglected to think about that collection of events on purpose. I figured I would last longer that way. “I got separated from my family…” The sentence cut itself short. It was a vast understatement, but I couldn’t delve any deeper. “This place was supposed to be safe.”
“You didn’t say anything about Ryan before.”
“What’s it matter?”
He let the question go untouched and I could hear the guys argue about something inside. He scratched his head. “We used to work together, you know. I mean, it wasn’t really work. He was one of the first to stop by the town. They were in pretty bad shape and actually nice to everyone. They seemed grateful.”
I looked over at him. “So what happened?”
He thought about it. “I’m not sure. I guess people just got used to following orders.”
“Nobody tried stopping him?”
“We could have. They were always outnumbered, but we had more guns at first. We should have done it then, but nobody had it in 'em. I suppose it's always easier to stay in line, until one day you realize you just haven't said 'no' enough.”
I imagined a drunk Ryan standing up in a bar as a cleaner version of Jeremy pressed the tip of a double barrel shotgun against his chest to put some argument to rest, the soot leaving a subtle trace on his suit and daring Jeremy to shoot him with everyone watching. He wouldn’t have been able to do it then, but now he would end up dragging himself and his friends out on the line for someone that he hadn’t even known existed a few hours earlier.
“Why are you helping me?” Part of me didn’t mean to ask. I started to realize that it would be easier for Jeremy and the others to escape back in town, where they would have the numbers on their side, but now the priority seemed like making it out before anyone could get their hands on me.
He didn’t say anything for a while and I just looked at him as he watched the sky, probably second guessing himself. “When you saw me on the ground,” he started, “You came up to me and offered me a hand. You didn’t know who I was. You probably didn’t know where you were, why you couldn’t leave, and you’d just gotten the shit kicked out of you. Why’d you help me then?”
We kept staring at each other, but the words kept escaping me. I used the first ones that popped into my head. “It seemed like the right thing to do.”
“Yeah...” He gave that a short lived grin. “Funny how that works, right?” He walked back inside without saying another word.
I found myself squinting at nothing. Was that why he was helping me, because it
felt
right? And what if he was wrong? We would be pitting ourselves against armed men at a time when we all had a lot more to lose. Without the clutter of smaller things to distract us, the stakes would be higher. There would be a chance that someone could end up dying because of me.
I took a breath.
What if we were both wrong?
I rubbed my eyes with the balls of my hands and reactively swore, quickly remembering that one of them was still bruised.
“Nice sailor mouth, captain.” Nick dropped his MRE on the ground and took a seat next to me.
I acknowledged that with a yawn and wiped my eyes carefully this time. As exhausted as I was, I still had a hard time falling asleep the night before. I was sure it had something to do with my impending freedom. Or lack thereof.
“You’re one to talk,” said Jeremy. He had decided to find my tent early in the morning and bring me breakfast, but I still wasn’t sure if he had planned on bringing anyone else.
“Well, fuck me.” Nick tore through his bag. “Fuck you.”
“What’s the problem, sailor?”
“They forgot to put a spoon in my goddam bag.”
Jeremy licked his spoon clean and handed it to him. “You better not have syphilis.”
“I’ll never tell.” Nick took it without a second thought and I looked down at my own bag.
Jeremy noticed I had barely touched it. “You should eat. You’ll need the energy.”
Why? For all the sex I’ll be dishing out?
I stirred my mush. “You’re sure this is food?”
“Well,” said Nick, “Food is a large category of things, but I’m not really sure if this belongs in there.” He shoveled another spoonful into his mouth. “What you’re looking at is your standard three thousand calorie expired military issue MRE, or Meal Ready to Eat.”
“Is it any good?”
He shrugged. “If it’s good enough for some poor bastard invading someone else’s country, then it’s good enough for you.”
I figured there must have been some sort of convoluted point to his argument, so I took a bite. It wasn’t great, but I hadn’t noticed just how hungry I’d gotten until someone had shoved food in front of my face. It wasn’t until Scott found us that I actually started to wake for the first time that morning.
He stopped at the foot of the entrance and held out two buckets in front of us, only to stare in silence while the swinging handles rattled against the plastic.
Jeremy was the only one brave enough to ask, “What?”
Two minutes later and halfway across the camp, the four us stood huddled together and we stared down into a ditch that would never have its contents described ever again.
Nick turned to the single armed guard next to us and back again. “So let me see if I got this right...” He put a hand on the man's shoulder. “You
literally
expect us to clean up your shit for you?”
He wiped Nick's grip off and replaced it with another bucket. “Yup.”
“Awesome...”
I hovered a hand over my face and stood above what I could only loosely describe as the seventh circle of hell and began to mentally prepare myself. I wouldn't have ever said that I was above any type of work by any stretch of the imagination, but I did have to remind myself that it would at least be better than what I had originally signed up for, or rather, what I had been coerced into doing.
I sucked in my pride. “Do you have any gloves?” I felt fortunate enough to see the man pull out a pair and hand them to me, and had already put them on by the time another weapon-toting bearer of bad news walked up to us.
“Yo. Ryan wants to see you guys, pronto.”
I could see Jeremy’s face slowly change for the worse. “What for?”
The man only shook his head. It was unsettling.
Nick bumped them out of the way and threw his bucket down, taking the lead. “Who the hell cares?”
I couldn’t say I was surprised when we walked into Ryan’s tent. It was one of the biggest and held furniture inside, accommodating a plush sofa, coffee table, and even a full wooden desk with papers strewn all about. It must have belonged to the admin before they left. Now it belonged to a new asshole.
“Took you long enough.” Ryan took a sip from his mug. It could have been coffee. I would have thought about killing him right then and there for it if one of his men hadn’t been sitting next to us. “I want you to do something for me.” He grabbed a map from his desk and handed it to Jeremy, surprising me with a pistol holstered to the side of his hip. I took him as someone that wouldn’t carry a gun. He saw me look at it and I made sure to return the favor.
Jeremy checked the map for a moment, only to shake his head. “What am I supposed to be looking at?”
“There’s a gas station I want you to check for supplies a few miles to the West of here. Get your guys together and I’ll have my men escort you out.”
“The trucks aren’t back yet. What if we find something?”
“Bring it back.”
Scott tried reaching for the map, but Jeremy held it from him. “This is the same place I almost got to yesterday...” He seemed to wait for a response only to have Ryan take another drink. “What happened to the guy I brought back?”
Ryan snatched the map back from his hands. “He's dead.”
I couldn't see how that might have been surprising, especially considering the condition he had been in, but Jeremy wouldn't let it go.
“How?”
“Well, he either bled out or I took him outside and shot him in the back of the head for asking too many questions. Which one do you prefer?”
Jeremy took a moment, obviously annoyed. “Look, even if there’s nothing there, it’ll still take us a whole day just to walk there and back. If we leave first thing tomorrow morning—”
“Today.” Ryan walked back to his desk and put his mug down. “Right now.”
“But if we wait for everyone else—”
“Change of plans. They’re coming back tonight. Which means if you want a ride back into town, you better be here before we leave.”
And with that, the plan that we had spent all night going over had been utterly decimated. The whole idea was to leave at night before the trucks got back, before we became increasingly outnumbered and risked the possibility of them tracking us down on wheels.
I could see the clockwork behind Jeremy’s head spin into gear, his eyes darting back and forth across the ground, but there were too many things to consider, too many unknowns. I had to stall.
“I'll go.”
They all stared and I wasn't sure of what else to say, so I just kept at it.
“I'll do it. I don't care. ”
Ryan cocked an eyebrow at me. “If I can't get eight men to bring me back food, water, and gasoline, then what the hell are you supposed to do?”
Eight?
I had to remind myself to close my mouth. Jeremy, Scott, Nick, Mike, Murphy and Simon already made six. If Ryan was thinking about sending them so far outside with only a pair of armed guards, than he had to be stretched thin. Something must have been wrong on his end. Regardless, it would be Jeremy's best chance to get away. They'd easily be able to overpower any company and could take their guns, not to mention have a solid lead on food and water. It was too perfect not to pass up.
Jeremy took a step towards me. “We can still use an extra hand—”
“No,” said Ryan. I could feel my life expectancy snap in half at the word as he fell into his seat. “She stays here.”
Jeremy started at it again and I interrupted him. “It's fine.”
We started to look at each other for too long, both of us daring ourselves to see how forward we could be before Ryan would start to notice just exactly what was going on, but Jeremy wouldn't budge. I kept my eyes frozen on him, now confused more than anything else. He had nothing to gain and everything to lose by trying to convince Ryan to bring me along.
So why
are you still trying to help me?
He finally opened his mouth just as Nick walked in-between us and leaned in towards Ryan. “Listen, I've known this guy a while... and if anyone can do it, it's him.”
Ryan's head bobbed between the three of us like a buoy, his patience visibly wearing thinner by the moment. “That's fucking good for you.” He nudged Nick off the table. “Why the fuck are we still arguing about this?”
“Fine,” said Jeremy. I could see him hide a scowl, but even he must have finally succumbed to the lure of freedom. “I just need her for a minute.” I tried to follow him out before Ryan called for me.
“Jessica...” he started, and I stopped to see him set his feet up on his desk with two heavy
thuds,
his hands already on his lap.
“
...
Is staying for a little conversation.”
I looked back at Jeremy and Scott for a sign of resistance, a wink of the eye, anything that would signify what I could expect to happen while on my own, but they only stared back with hollow eyes. It was over. We couldn't even get a quick word between the two of us, but at least they would finally be getting away.
I caught Jeremy's stare again, but Scott gently pulled him along. “Come on, we're burning daylight.”
They left, sunken and silent. Only Nick walked by with open arms, his back to the men that were holding us all hostage. “How about one for the road?” I was surprised when he gave me a hug and even more so when he grabbed my ass.
I pushed him off of me. “What the hell?”
He gave me a wink and the guard in the room shoved him out.
They left me and Ryan alone together and I hated every second of it. I wished he would have gotten angry and yelled in my face or threatened to hurt me. I wanted to fight him right then and there, but nothing came out. He was the last person on earth that I wanted to talk to and all he did was prolong it. I watched him absently roll the ring on his finger and take me in silently. The pause seemed too long by the time he finally let me have it.
“What do you know about Knox?”
Hearing his name caught me off guard. I remembered seeing the word plastered on every television screen along with the rest of the world, but I hadn't thought about it since what seemed like the beginning of it all. Knox had been behind every protest, especially those that had turned violent, making it perfectly clear that there had been a leader in the uprising that followed Zoey's death, the name synonymous to the movement, the ideals bleeding over from city to city and ultimately crashing into conflict in the middle of the streets.
I remembered the sleepless nights. Knox idealism had been nothing short of persecution. Anyone that might have been judged impure of heart was dealt with one way or another, though the punishment had usually been severe and dealt publicly without restraint. None of it could have been done without the fear, and with the fear—hate. The hate had turned into violence and the violence had turned into death. I remembered thinking that Knox had somehow been responsible for it all, but how could anyone prove that the actions of thousands, even millions of people were the result of one single person? How could one do so much?
I struggled, unsure how to answer, but also because I was scared of where the conversation might have been heading. “He killed...”
Ryan raised an eyebrow and he put his feet back down, pressuring me onward.
I started to relive what it was like coming home day after day to be connected to a constant stream of unfortunate events, to be surrounded by a web of anxiety. I had watched, just like anyone else, how Knox had targeted the government, how he had accused them of allowing the Catastrophe to happen and blamed them for the inequality and suffering in daily life. And it had only exponentially grown worse with time. Towards the end, the footage of beheadings in the middle of the street surrounded by cheering mobs and servicemen powerless to stop them would have been too much for anyone to forget. Even Ryan.
I tried again, this time more sure of my words. Anything else would have been putting it lightly. “He murdered
them.”
“Who, Jessica?” He waved his hands as if to find the answer about to fall into his lap at the blink of an eye. “Who did he kill?”
I ground my teeth against his condescending belittlement. Everyone left alive knew what had happened. They knew how the target had shifted, how the hate had spread. He only wanted to hear me say it, just like the rest of them had. I forced the words out as Ryan continued to stare, his attention only fueling my ire. “You don't even care, do you?”
He stood up and walked to the front of his desk, leaning against the top while crossing his arms. “Why should I?”
You know why...
He wouldn't let up, a thought that was driving me insane until I realized that we were also alone. I imagined how close I'd be able to get to strangling him to death, but quickly remembered that he was still in charge as long as he had a gun strapped to his hip.
“You don't care...” I could feel my muscles give way as realization finally washed over them. He really didn't. He really didn't care about anyone except for himself.
He watched me eagerly and the small hint of a smile curled past his lips. He was much more dangerous than I knew. “You've made some new friends here pretty quick. It makes me wonder what a Sed would do if one were standing right in front of me.”
Sed.
There was that word again. I squeezed the knot past my throat as Ryan reached back to pull something out from a drawer within his desk. “The problem is that they're good at hiding—every single one of 'em—right in plain sight.” He brought his hand forward, but kept whatever he had taken out covered and made me wait a tense moment. The next part didn't make me feel any better whatsoever. “Come here.”