Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
21
She was clever, too; for when I visited her in prison after her trial to tell her the English meant to chop off her head, she said, “Pardon me, L
ORD
; but if the goal is to inspire others through suffering, might it not be more efficacious for me to endure an agonizing public immolation o’er a slow-kindled pyre?”
22
She was right. I was wrong.
Period.
23
But even as her flesh still smoldered Kathy’s spirit rose skyward; whereupon her whole family and the entire heavenly contingent greeted her with a joyful “Surprise!”; the surprise, of course, being that she was the only-begotten daughter of God.
24
And she was surprised; genuinely surprised; so I was glad we managed to keep that a secret.
25
Kathy remains very proud of all she achieved as Joan; and though she has since gone back to helping her mother with her heavenwork, she still speaks affectionately of the time she spent as a national heroine.
26
And thou hast recognized her achievements, too; for in 1920 the Roman Catholic Church officially canonized her as a saint.
27
It is not the same as being one-third of the Trinity, but still: that’s my girl!
CHAPTER 5
1
A
las, all good things must come to an end.
2
(I love this saying, because its implicit corollary is equally true: all bad things must go on forever.)
3 Sturdy winter gives way to tempestuous spring; the gorgeous caterpillar transforms into the unsightly butterfly; and in time, the fragrant blossom of the Middle Ages wilted into the Renaissance.
4
At least medievalism did not go down without a fight; for it offered up one last spectacle of sacred fury in the form of the Spanish Inquisition.
5
But sadly, I can no longer recollect that event without my memories being retroactively contaminated by either the famous Monty Python sketch, or the musical number from Mel Brooks’s
History of the World, Part I.
6
For no sooner will I call to mind a chained Muslim convert writhing in thumbscrews, than I see looming above him the image of Michael Palin in a ridiculous mustache shouting “Fetch . . . the comfy chair!”
7
Or no sooner will I recollect the six Marrano Jews burned alive at the 1481 auto-da-fé in Seville, than I hear their Grand Inquisitor Torquemada break into song: “We’ve flattened their fingers! We’ve branded their buns! Nothing is working!
Send in the nuns
!”
8
Yea; upon reflection it seemeth a shame the same persecution should be associated with two such all-time comedy classics, when other historical mass tortures have none.
9
Whither
your
spoofs, gulags?
10
Whither
thy
song parody, Killing Fields?
11
I knew the end of the Middle Ages was inevitable; long had I been anticipating a return of one of thy intermittent spasms of humanism, and in truth I was pleasantly surprised at how long thou hadst managed to keep thy status so quo.
12
And at least the Renaissance gave me a chance to do something I had been putting off for over 5,000 years: pose for my official portrait.
13
For even a notoriously harsh art critic like myself had to acknowledge the great work being done in Europe at the time; better still, the majority portrayed Christian scenes, which was gratifying.
14
(Though I will note in passing they never came close to capturing Mary’s actual appearance after the Nativity; for they show her as angelic, dreamy, and loving, rather than exhausted, bloated, and drenched in amniotic fluid.)
15
The angels put out the commission, and we received over 2,000 entries from all over Europe; entries of every description from the traditional (cave paintings) to the avant-garde (watercolors—canst thou imagine?).
16
In the end we settled on two finalists: a couple of young, hotshot Italians, Lenny and Mike.
17
Both came highly recommended: Jesus and the apostles spoke highly of Lenny’s way with a brushstroke, and King David raved how heroically Mike had portrayed every part of him other than his penis.
18
Both were qualified; we could not decide; we wound up going with Mike, mostly for reasons of scheduling.
19
For he was the only one available on November 1, 1511—which I knew even then would be 500 years to the day before the publication date of this book;
20
Thus providing an invaluable promotional tie-in.
CHAPTER 6
1
I
t was a once-in-an-all-time event.
2 I was very nervous; it took me hours to choose which mortal guise would best represent the limitlessness of my effulgence; but I finally settled on the one that most flattered my hips.
3
I like the white cloak, for it suggests purity; and there is something about a flowing white mane and bushy beard that evokes in one a sense of infinite force and perfect judgment; so I minded not sitting in the chair for half an hour while the stylist moussed me.
4
Thus primped, I walked into the Sistine Chapel and met Mike: verily a great genius; endlessly creative, protean, temperamental, and egomaniacal; he saw the world as nothing but fodder for his own vision of what things should be; I knew the type.
5
We chatted not, for I am a busy God, so quickly I assumed the position that our representatives had prenegotiated.
6
The moment to be immortalized was the Creation of Adam; the angels huddling around me were my actual angels: Gabriel, Uriel, Michael, Raphael, and eight others I had chosen for compositional reasons, or because they were the children of friends.
7
As for Adam, he was some Tuscan beefcake named Umberto.
8
Mike told me Umberto was the apprentice in charge of “cleaning his tools.”
9
I let it go; too easy.
10
Mike lay on his back on scaffolding high above the Chapel; Umberto, the angels, and I posed on scaffolding next to him; Mike would turn to the side, squint at us, look back up to paint, then turn again.
11
He did this for eight straight hours, and in all that time he only talked once: to ask me to point my finger at Adam.
12
I said, “How’s that?”
13
He said, “Closer.”
14
I said, “How’s that?”
15
He said, “Closer.”
16
I said, “How’s that?”
17
He said, “Closer.”
18
I said, “How’s that?”
19
He said, “Bingo.”
CHAPTER 7
1
W
hen a religion uses crass marketing techniques to proselytize, support, or sustain itself, it runs the grave risk of cheapening—yea, even permanently corrupting—those techniques.
2
I am the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe; and I have too much respect for the art of getting other people to say or do or buy things that are not worthy of them, to enjoy seeing it prostituted in the name of things that
are.
3
So when my sons informed me the pope was selling “indulgences” as a means of raising revenue, I grew sorer than an altar boy at a College of Cardinals afterparty.
4
(That was Raphael’s.)
5
The church was telling sinners, i.e. all of ye, that their monetary gifts could purchase divine forgiveness for past and future indiscretions.
6
Naturally, the money-to-sin exchange rate fluctuated, depending on the state of the economy and public morality; but as a baseline, routine acts of masturbation were being forgiven for around five gold coins.
7
Drunkenness would set thee back ten; so would stealing, quarreling, and bearing false witness.
8
Fornication was 20; adulterous fornication was 30; homosexual adulterous fornication was 40; and charging money for homosexual adulterous fornication was 50; unless thou hadst thyself charged more than 50, in which case it was 60.
9
These were usurious rates; and bear in mind that tipping was customary.
10
It was an outrageous practice, especially if thou hast ever seen the Vatican; in which case thou knowest the place is not exactly struggling to make rent.
11
But it was in keeping with a church that over the last few centuries had grown more bloated than Henry VIII after a Whitsuntide boar roast.
12
(That was Uriel’s.)
13
The papacy in particular was not what it used to be; for in their arrogance, the cardinals had grown ever more careless in their selection process; for every Gregory the Great that brought a smile to my face, along came a Sixtus the Pederast to throw a wrench in the works.
14
The nadir came in 1492 with the ascension of Alexander VI, a man who had ten children by three mistresses—several while serving as pope—and literally turned St. Peter’s into a bordello.
15
Alexander VI was such a horrible person, and such a catastrophe for the church, that once when I mentioned his name in a meeting, out of nowhere Jesus shouted, “Fuck that guy!”
16
He rarely speaketh like that.
17
So shortly after my Sistine sitting, he and H. G. told me they wanted to take some radical steps to reform Christianity.
18
“Boys,” I said, “I have some concerns about so drastically altering the faith; but as you know I have the highest respect for the sanctity of the Trinity; among whom, it seems, I am outvoted.