Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
7
And throw in the Chinese New Year, too, while thou art at it; they can start on any animal they like.)
8
By the time Muhammad died ten years later, he had fought many battles; gained many converts; shown great wisdom; and, after becoming a widower, acquired 12 more wives.
9
Some of these marriages were political; some provided compassionate support for widows; the final one was so that he might purchase household goods at the bulk rate, for they were cheaper by the dozen.
10
But none was more blessed than his marriage to Aisha; his favorite wife; the “Mother of the Believers”; the one in whose company he received the most revelations; the one he married when she was six; the one whose father became the first caliph of the Sunnis.
11
Anyway, these were the—what?
12
Oh, I said her father became the first caliph of the Sunnis.
13
Anyway, those were the—
14
What? Before that?
15
Oh . . . I said that Muhammad married Aisha when she was six.
16
Did they
what?!
No!
17
That is disgusting!
18
Verily, that betrays thy ignorance.
19
No; they waited until she was nine. Now, if I can—
20
What dost thou mean, “pedophilia”? There was nothing improper!
21
This was standard Bedouin practice at the time; so spare me thy culturally unrelative indignation; it was all completely aboveboard.
22
Besides, trust me: she looked more like eleven.
SURA 6
1
I
slam’s success was immediate and immense; but I am proudest not of its popularity, but of its practices and tenets.
2
This is not to say Islam is more correct than other religions; it is simply to say I like the way it does business.
3
For Christianity is like unto Walmart: an unstoppable behemoth that will do whatever it takes to gain a foothold, offering its patrons mass salvation at a low price, and staffed with employees who only
appear
celibate.
4
And Judaism is like unto Blockbuster Video: a creaky old institution evoking a bygone era; one can scarcely believe it still survives, and when one is forced to use its services one feels self-conscious, and unsure if one is doing so ironically or not.
5
But Islam is like unto Starbucks: straightforward and unchanging; its menu but a few variations on a single theme; an institution to which throngs of people devote much of their lives.
6
The faith’s genius can be found in its mission statement, the Five Pillars of Islam.
7
Its first pillar is its creed: “There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is his messenger”; as catchy a slogan as thou wilt ever hear.
8
And the second pillar is prayer: showing obeisance to the CEO five times a day while facing corporate headquarters; a clear directive which yields 7.5 billion adorations every 24 hours; very impressive numbers.
9
And the third pillar is fasting: Muslims must fast from dawn to dusk throughout the month of Ramadan; team-building at its best.
10
And the fourth pillar is almsgiving: all Muslims are required to spend 2.5 percent of their income for the benefit of the poor or needy; I defy thee to find a lower corporate tax rate anywhere; 2.5 percent makes Delaware seem like a socialist state.
11
And the final pillar is the greatest of all, the
hajj
: all Muslims must make a pilgrimage to Mecca once in their lives; surely, the ultimate corporate retreat.
12
Grueling? Yea. Sweaty? Yea. Filled with odd rites and awkward encounters with people one would rather not be rubbing up against? Thou bettest.
13
Yet everyone is there for the same purpose; and has been sent by the same boss, as transmitted through the same assistant; and everyone wears the same clothes, so no one feels silly;
14
And when it is over, everyone leaves feeling newfound appreciation for this 1.5-billion-person organization that despite all its success, still manages to stay true to its small-town roots;
15
And all while limiting the annual trampling deaths to no more than a few hundred.
SURA 7
1
I
have briefly related the story of Islam, and seem to have gotten through it in one piece; and if it is all the same to thee I am going to stop now, before I write something that makes someone declare holy war on me in my own name.
2
I will just add one final word, on a subject of much speculation in religious circles: the posthumous fate of Osama bin Laden, and the 9/11 hijackers.
3
Many believe them to be burning in eternal anguish in the lowest level of hell; but some fundamentalist die-hards (or verily, die-easies) believe they are relaxing in heaven in the company of me and 72 virgins.
4
Believe what thou wilt; I have sworn to reveal no details of the hows and whys and wheres of the afterlife.
5
I mention it only because there is one aspect of it that, at least from thy viewpoint, has always struck me as curious:
6
That being the lure of the 72 virgins, and the implication that
that
is the greatest reward I could possibly bestow upon a martyr.
7
For lo, 72 virgins is a
lot
of virgins.
8
If
I
were a mortal, heterosexual man, and 72 women awaited me in heaven, then yea, I would want some of them to be virgins; definitely.
9
But at least a few dozen, I would prefer to have some experience.
10
In fact, if it were me, I would want at least six or so total harlots.
11
And maybe a couple of professionals.
12
Not only would this greatly increase my short-term personal satisfaction, but it would also help break in the newbies.
13
Anyway, that is merely my opinion; I have learned there is no accounting for taste, especially when it comes to paradise;
14
And as it happens, none of this makes any difference with regard to the 9/11 hijackers;
15
All of whom are burning in eternal anguish in the lowest level of hell.
16
(Oops!)
HINDUS
(“. . . and Other Heathens”)
CHAPTER 1
1
I
slam and Christianity are the world’s two biggest faiths; and both, I am pleased to report, are crazy about me.
2
That leaves Hinduism, with its one billion adherents, as the world’s largest totally wrong religion.
3
I do not think I am disobeying my embargo on classified afterlife information to reveal, that all Hindus will be joining Osama bin Laden and the rest of the 9/11 hijackers in hell.
4
But having said that, I concede there is much to admire in this vibrant heresy, starting with its caste system: as sensible a way to keep a civilization in lasagna-like order as I have ever seen.
5
I am a big believer in stratification, as may be seen in earth’s beautifully layered rock formations; thy infidel scientists attribute them to sedimentary deposits made over eons; wrong!; it is not a geological process, it is a design motif.
6
Strata are good not only for societies, but for each individual therein; for the man who knoweth not his place on the earth wanders it forever, but the man who knoweth his place can at least start fixing it up to make it look nice.
7
Gays who proclaim “We were born this way!” are cheered, yet Brahmins who say the same thing are hooted; when in fact sexual orientation and social caste are
both
genetically encoded from birth.
8
I also approve of yoga—not its New Age accoutrements; not the touchy-feelie instructors; not the Enya soundtrack; not the appalling western mutants like yogilates and yogaerobics and triyogathons; but yoga itself.
9
I like to see thee stretch thy bodies; to bend and twist and contort the wondrous flesh I bequeathed thee into positions imaginative and limber.
10
Lo, I mean not to sound creepy or anything.
11
As for reincarnation, I have mixed feelings about that doctrine; not regarding its truth, of course, for it has none, but its spiritual effect on its believers.
12
I see the appeal of a system of posthumous trans-species promotion and demotion; it turns life into a job, and death into a performance review, and both of these are bound to improve professionalism.
13
But to look at every living creature as a potential former friend? To walk on the grass and be afraid thou hast trodden upon thy late uncle? To be served ratatouille, and wonder how many of thy own ancestors are vegetables therein?
14
(On the subject of vegetarianism, it is
ridiculous
for Hindus to hold cows sacred.
15
If I had meant for cows to be sacred, I would not have made them out of delicious, delicious beef.)
16
Finally, karma; the notion of true cosmic justice.
17
It is the same policy Abraham pushed me to adopt lo those thousands of years ago, and my reply now is the same as it was then: no; I prefer to move in mysterious ways.
18
I move in mysterious ways; and my reason for doing so is even more mysterious; and the reason for that reason’s mysteriousness is so mysterious, even I forget what it is.