Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
4
(Not a great blimp gas, though.)
5
Favorite number: 667, just to one-up the devil.
6
Favorite war: the War of Spanish Succession. A great, great war in every respect.
7
Favorite monument: the Colossus of Rhodes.
8
That thing scared me a little.
9
It was a massive depiction of the Greek sun god Helios, in truth nothing but an overgrown idol; yet there was something in its mien and bearing that gaveth unto me the willies.
10
I tried to ignore it; I tried to pretend it did not vex me; but whenever business took me to Rhodes I felt its icy leer.
11
After 56 years I could take it no longer; so I sent an earthquake to knock it down.
12
I felt better after that.
13
Favorite monarch: Queen Victoria. Stature, majesty, and wisdom. And lo, could she fellate a penis!
14
Favorite pizza topping: mushrooms.
15
Favorite chemical compound: water.
16
(True story about water: for a while I thought about switching it up and turning it all into HO
2
, which is a far more attractive-looking molecule.
17
But as it happens, HO
2
is the hydroperoxyl radical responsible for the destruction of ozone in the atmosphere; so for now the plan is on hold.
18
Still, one of these days I might try it.
19
If I do, let me know what happens.)
20
Favorite language: to paraphrase Nabokov, my heart speaks Hebrew, my ear speaks Latin, and my head speaks angry Elizabethan English amped with reverb.
21
Favorite planet: OGLE2-TR-L9 b.
22
Favorite planet in thy solar system: Saturn.
23
Favorite terrestrial planet in thy solar system: tie: Mercury and Mars.
CHAPTER 3
1
F
avorite book (ancient):
The Odyssey.
Those gods got to do so many awesome things—and they never even existed! Ah, myth is wasted on the mythic.
2 Favorite book (medieval):
The Da Vinci Code.
3
I am referring, of course, to the
original
book of that name, written in 1502 by Leonardo da Vinci.
4
It was the original self-help book, wherein the great master sought to aid readers by sharing with them the simple five-step “code” by which he lived, and that had made him so successful.
5
It is long out of print now, and not a single copy has survived . . . or so scholars think.
6
(Word to the wise: point an X-ray spectrofluorometer at the right-hand side of the table in
The Last Supper.
)
7
Favorite book (modern):
Gravity’s Rainbow
by Thomas Pynchon.
8
Lo, I just finished reading it a year ago, and I think I’m starting to get it.
9
Favorite director: Alfred Hitchcock. His movies always keep me in suspense, which is not easy.
10
Favorite painting:
The Creation of Adam.
11
Second-favorite painting:
Campbell’s Soup Cans,
by Andy Warhol. So much soup!
12
Favorite artist: Jackson Pollock, because I am in on the dirty little secret of his success: he was not an abstract expressionist.
13
Jackson Pollock was trying to paint landscapes the whole time.
14
He was a terrible, terrible painter.
15
Favorite music: these days I listen to goodly quantities of nondenominational middle-of-the-road pop; but I like all kinds of “good vibrations” in any frequency, from radio waves to gamma rays.
16
Favorite band: the Beatles. End of discussion.
17
Favorite rapper: Young Jeezy; for if my son was in hip-hop, that would be his name.
18
Favorite folk music: none; the folk music of all nations and peoples throughout all time is equally unlistenable.
19
Favorite hymn: “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.”
20
Yea. Yea, I am.
KORANICLES
SURA 1
1
H
ow shall I reveal to thee the history of my dealings with the prophet Muhammad; and of the revelation to him of the holy book, the Koran; and of the founding of my third great religion, Islam.
2
So. . . Islam.
3
Islam, Islam, Islam.
4
Didst thou know it hath over one-and-a-half billion adherents?
5
Verily; it hath.
6
And didst thou know it is divided into two main branches: the Sunni and the Shi’a?
7
[Pause; thumb-twiddleth.]
8
I must tell thee in all candor, that I have felt great apprehension concerning the writing of this section.
9
I am Allah, the Wise, the All-Powerful; yet these days even
I
get a little nervous talking about Islam.
10
Lo: sometimes I shall be up in heaven, and looking down on earth I shall in passing remark upon a particularly beautiful mosque, or worthy imam;
11
Whereupon the Hebrew patriarchs and Christian martyrs gathered around me begin to gaze at each other uncomfortably;
12
At which point the righteous Muslims nearby picketh up on the vibe;
13
Until someone, usually the apostle James, will pretend to cough, and in so doing say “Al-Qaeda!”
14
And a Muslim will thunder, “Why didst thou say al-Qaeda?”; and James will say no, he said “Ore-Ida!”, as in the brand of frozen potatoes; which in context maketh absolutely no sense;
15
And the mood grows angrier, until I am forced to restore order by calling in the Heavenly Choir to soothe everyone’s spirits with their unique blend of nondenominational middle-of-the-road pop.
16
So let me begin by telling thee what thou wilt
not
find here in
Koranicles
, or, indeed, anywhere else in this book.
17
Thou shalt not find any “Satanic verses” anywhere in this book.
18
Thou shalt not find any anti-Muslim propaganda anywhere in this book.
19
Thou shalt not find any pork products anywhere in this book.
20
And above all,
thou shalt not find any Danish cartoons of the prophet Muhammad anywhere in this book.
21
I cannot stress this point enough.
22
Indeed, thou wilt not find any visual representations of Muhammad in this book, period.
23
No cartoons; no paintings; no drawings, etchings, lithographs, photographs, daguerreotypes, clip art, shadow puppets; nothing.
24
The closest thou wilt come is on the twelfth page of the center insert; but that is purely by way of verbal merriment, not visual heresy.
25
Having said all this, I must nonetheless now fulfill a promise I made unto the publishing house issuing forth these pages:
26
“I, God, do hereby indemnify Simon & Schuster from any and all outrage, fatwa, or all-out jihad that may result from the contents of the portions of this book pertaining to Islam.
27
And I further indemnify them from any anger on the part of members of
any
religion with regard to
any
of the contents of this book.
28
I am Jehovah; I am God the Father; I am Allah; and I am solely responsible for the eternal truths contained in these pages.”
29
(And though thou art free to pursue the earthly remedy of suing me for libel, I would
really
like to see one of you try to serve me that subpoena.)
SURA 2
1
I
n any case, there is relatively little to say about Islam; for its holy book contains almost no new narrative, and its origins are far easier to recount than those of my other two faiths.
2
By the beginning of the 7th century, Christianity was fully ascendant; yet in that religion, much of the praise and glory and majesty is offered to Jesus.
3
I had come to feel like I stood in my son’s shadow; as if I were now second-best in my own universe;
4
And thou knowest me: I am one jealous divinity.
5
Now, let me state this as plainly as I can: I begrudge my son
absolutely none
of his success.
6
That boy hath earned every Pietà and windshield bobble-head he ever got.
7
So rather than hijacking Jesus’s religion, I decided to found a new one: one in which there would be no doubt who the boss was, and not befall upon me the same dilemma that 70 generations later would befall Tony Danza.