The Last Testament: A Memoir (36 page)

²⁷
But watching thee work thy magic down there, I realized it would be unfair to the world to limit thy message, and goodness, and redemption, solely to the Jews.

²⁸
They are my Chosen People; but thou deservest a Chosen People of thine own.

²⁹
I guess what I am asking thee, son, is:

³⁰
How does ‘Jesusism’ sound to thee?”

CHAPTER 22

¹
A
nd the rest, as they say, is theology.

2 Jesus rose from the dead and made twelve public appearances; as with the miracles, we sought to strike a balance; enough to serve as verification, but not enough where one might say, “Oh great, the dead guy’s doing another show.”

³
He appeared to Mary Magdalene; he appeared to the apostles; he appeared to 500 believers at once; he even appeared to two lesser disciples on the road to Emmaus.

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He passed the day with them unrecognized, lecturing them on the Prophets; then he revealed himself to them when they broke bread, only to disappear.

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That was the only time I ever saw Jesus deliberately fuck with people.

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He made sure to manifest himself to each of his longtime supporters at least once, that he might thank them for putting so much time and effort into his campaign.

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Then he ascended to heaven, to sit, as it says, “at the right hand of God”; this is true; Jesus does sit at my right hand; as it happens I am a lefty, but it is still the seat of honor.

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And today, 2,000 years, 500,000 martyrs, 824,000 cathedrals and 723 billion mortal sins later, Christianity—for H. G. did not like “Jesusism”; he felt the three esses would antagonize lispers—is the most successful religion of all time.

⁹
It hath over two billion adherents: more than Judaism, Sikhism, Jainism, Choctaw mythology, Siberian shamanism, and anthroposophy
combined.

¹⁰
Jesus continues dying for humanity’s sins every single day, and I have never heard him complain; not a single time.

¹¹
The most I’ve ever heard him admit is that there are some people for whom it is a pleasure to die on the cross, and others for whom it feels like more work.

¹²
As for the two of us, we have had our squabbles over the centuries, as any father and son will;

¹³
Yet such disagreements inevitably end in a reconciliatory “come to Jesus” moment.

¹⁴
Our relationship these days is of a far different character than it once was.

¹⁵
A few days ago he and I were in my office discussing a finer theological point; the nature of which hath no bearing on thee, unless thou art an unbaptized baby.

¹⁶
He argued one way; I the other; he gave the Look; I conceded.

¹⁷
This took place a dozen times, in full view of Gabriel; and when the meeting was over Gabriel chuckled to himself; and though I had it within me to know why, I asked him, to save time.

¹⁸
“Heavenly Father,” he said, “there was a time when thou doubtedst thy son would ever amount to anything outside the world; believing him soft, and weak, and unable to impose his will.

¹⁹
Yet to see thy dealings with him now, it seems to me that this is the opposite of the truth; for I would describe thee, my L
ORD
, as nothing short of Jesus-whipped.”

²⁰
I, too, chuckled; for Gabriel was right.

²¹
The Romans may have whipped Jesus, but in the end it was they, and I, and all of western civilization, who ended up

²²
Jesus-whipped.

FILLEMIN

(“Godlibs”)

CHAPTER 1

¹
A
sk Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and now me: the creation of a Gospel is a grueling task.

²
To paraphrase Thomas Edison, scripture is 1 percent divine inspiration, 99 percent divine perspiration.

³
But some of thee may doubt this; some of my more skeptical readers may think writing a holy book is easy, that any old hack can crank out a Testament, or whip up a Koran during an all-nighter;

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That all it requireth is a few crazy stories, a reverent tone, and a bunch of old-timey pronouns and verb endings.

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Prepare to eat thy words, any old hack(s).

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On the next pages are printed a few passages and excerpts from Scripture, with certain key words and phrases omitted, for thee to complete in accordance with the instructions written underneath the line.

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(I call them “Godlibs”; I thought of that myself; but a Google search revealeth over 5,000 matching results.

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Thanks, Google, thou pun-hoarding, mirth-killing parade-pisser.)

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I have filled the first one out by way of example; the other three I leave to the reader’s sanctimonious imagination.

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There are millions of ways to fill in these blanks, but I am confident not one of them will improve upon the poetry or profundity of the original.

¹¹
However, in the interest of promoting creativity and sales, but mostly sales, I will be sponsoring a contest to determine the winner.

¹²
Once thou hast filled in the three selections, tear them out and place them in an envelope addressed to: Godlibs Contest, c/o God, 1600 Holy Avenue, Heaven.

¹³
I have no ZIP code, but that matters not; for the next step is to wrap the envelope in a ring of ram fat and burn it on an altar.

¹⁴
I will then reconstitute the submissions and judge each one based on originality, legibility, and savoriness.

¹⁵
One grand-prize winner will receive an autographed copy of this book; eternal admittance to the Kingdom of Heaven; and a $50 gift certificate to Boston Market.

¹⁶
Two runner-up winners will receive their choice of one of the above.

¹⁷
Enter, skeptics; it is not often the L
ORD
encourages thee to burn one of his books.

PLEADER

(“On Prayer”)

CHAPTER 1

¹
I magine being in fourth grade; the bell for homeroom rings, thou takest thy seat, and suddenly a deafening voice booms from the PA system:

²
“Good morning, students. I am the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe. Here are the announcements.

³
Starting today, I will no longer be accepting any prayers addressed to me from this public school.

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The Supreme Court hath ruled such prayers violate the First Amendment’s establishment clause; and their ruling applies to not only thee, but me.

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Please refrain from addressing or thinking of me at any time while on school grounds.