Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
17
For the demon in question, though powerful, was off-duty, and was using the man’s soul merely as a vacation home wherein to get away from the strains of his workaday demonic career.
18
Finally, three miracles consisted of raising the dead.
19
There was the young man from Nain, whom Jesus approached in the coffin during his funeral procession, at which point he sat up and began to talk; a tremendous wonder that overjoyed his mother, and finally gave authorities the eyewitness testimony they needed to arrest his killer.
20
Next came Jairus, who begged Jesus to save his dying daughter; when they arrived at his home she was already dead, but he “awoke” her; she instantly became a devout Christian, and 35 years later was devoured by lions in the Coliseum; such is life.
21
And the last was Lazarus; the brother of Jesus’s friends Mary and Martha.
22
As thou readest in John 11, Lazarus was four days’ dead and buried in a cave; and Jesus bade the people remove the stone from the cave’s mouth; and in preparation for the resurrection he said, “Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me.”
23
These words displeased me, for they sounded almost mocking; as if to say, “Well, look who has decided to take the time out of his busy day to hear me all of a sudden: Mr. Goddypants.”
24
Then Jesus added, “I know that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe thou hast sent me.”
25
This infuriated me.
26
It was not enough that my own son addressed me condescendingly; now he must embarrass me in front of his friends?
27
And right before asking me to bring one of them back to life?
28
I tell thee, I had half a mind to leave Lazarus dead; nay, to fill his orifices with an oozy surfeit of worms and maggots, that Jesus and his companions would know I was not one to be patronized.
29
But H. G. told me it would have looked bad not to revivify him; so I did.
30
I visited Jesus later, in his temporal lobe; and reminded him that he was only on earth due to my fatherly indulgence; and that I would tolerate no insolence when it came to—
31
But then he gave me the Look, and I backed off.
CHAPTER 17
1
W
ord of Jesus’s miracles quickly spread through Judea like wildfire; even more so after he performed the Miracle of Extinguishing the Wildfire.
2 It was now time to choose apostles to disseminate his message; we had many candidates, and we researched them thoroughly; we visited their hometowns, and spent many late nights peering deep into their souls; for we could do this without waking them up, if we were quiet.
3
We deliberated for a long time on each one, but in the end I had the last word on the matter; and as thou knowest, the men I chose proved a veritable apostolic dream team.
4
Their very names are a roster of immortals: Peter; Andrew; James; John; Philip; Bartholomew; Matthew; Thomas; James; Thaddeus; Simon the Zealot.
5
Yea, eleven amazing apostles.
6
Eleven devout, loyal, incorruptible apostles.
7
How fortunate my son was, to be surrounded by eleven men such as these.
8
And how fortunate the Early Church was, to have these eleven champions; of whom only one would not die a martyr’s death.
9
That one was John, who died naturally at 94; but he wrote
The Book of Revelation,
which went on to inspire thousands of believers to give their lives, so he hath nothing to hang his head about in the martyr department.
10
As for the other ten: truly greater love hath no man, than that he lay down his life for his boss.
11
Of course the greatest of all was St. Peter; the rock on whom the faith is built; its greatest missionary, its first pope, the author of much of the rest of the New Testament, and the greatest doorman of all time.
12
Peter and his brother Andrew were the first two apostles; fishermen of Galilee; Jesus saw them casting nets in the water and said, “Come ye after me, and I will make you fishers of
men
”;
13
Which I swear did not sound gay when he said it.
14
There were the two Jameses; big-hearted, Christ-loving men they were; I remember not which one died of decapitation, and which by drinking molten lead.
15
There was Philip; a Hellene who was Jesus’s link to the Greek-speaking community; he won over countless converts with his weekly “Sunday Spanakopita Sermon.”
16
There was Bartholomew; nice guy.
17
Matthew was a tax collector; I recruited him because in any small group of church leaders it is handy if one is good with numbers.
18
And of course we had Thomas; “Doubting Thomas”; for when Jesus rose from the dead, Thomas at first doubted it.
19
Thomas died preaching in India in 72 A.D., after angry Brahmins arrested him, stoned him, and stabbed him to death with a lance.
20
Was it pleasant? I doubt it.
21
As for Thaddeus, he was our very special apostle; no, he was not the smartest among them, and he could be a challenge; but when he hugged you, you felt
hugged.
22
And finally, Simon the Zealot, with his constant zealotry and trademark zeal.
23
They were a tremendous group, these 11 fine men; they were, if thou wilt, the best and pious-est of their generation.
24
As for the other one, whose name I refuse to even record here, I will only say how truly disappointed we were in him.
25
We liked him; we trusted him; but then he changed, and decided to leave the organization, and in a very unfortunate way.
26
The punishment that young man received for his actions was as harsh a sentence as could be handed down, yet it was still insufficient;
27
For in the end,
nothing
can bring back a son.
28
Usually.
CHAPTER 18
1
I
cherished the time I spent with Jesus during the last three years of his life.
2 I came to respect him for many things: his goodness, his discipline, his manners, and his chastity.
3
(For remember, he was still subject to all the weaknesses of the flesh; and he had numerous female admirers; and many of them were comely; and all of them were ready, willing, and able, 24/7/365.)
4
I even respected his choice of enemies, for the Pharisees were truly reprehensible people: liars and hypocrites of the highest order; the worst
shondah
for the goyim until Bernie Madoff;
5
Or possibly the Weinsteins.
6
But always in the back of my infinite mind I held fast to my belief that his entire mission and descent was foolish and demeaning.
7
This belief only intensified as the time of his great ordeal neared; for I am ashamed to admit that I dreaded it, not for the agony it would cause my child, but for the damage I feared such a public humiliation might have on my reputation.
8
Lo, I feared playing the aggrieved Billy Ray to Jesus’s wayward Miley.
9
Well do I recall the Last Supper; it was Passover; everyone ate a hearty seder; afterward Jesus hid the
afikoman
behind a broom; he told everyone to let Thaddeus find it; he did; he was so happy he hugged
everyone.
10
The night was a farewell of sorts, a look back on a remarkable career; and as the wine kept flowing and the stories kept coming, it naturally devolved into a roast.
11
For two hours one apostle after another stood up and gave it to Jesus mercilessly; making sport of his water-walking, and dead-raising, and facial hair, and penchant for droning on; it was a nonstop mirthfest.
12
I remember Bartholomew remarking: “Jesus, here is a miracle thou mayest perform:
shave!
13
Thy beard hair is thicker than a moneylender’s purse!”
14
They killed him; they slaughtered him; they crucified him; it was hilarious.
15
Finally Jesus rose; he was smiling, but I could see he was preoccupied.
16
He may have been thinking about the imminent nailing of his ankles and wrists to a wooden cross and subsequent prolonged death thereby; but I am speculating.
17
His first words after all this merriment were, “Ye are too kind; but seriously, gentlemen, I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.”
18
That brought the house down, but not in a good way.
19
Everyone asked if it was him; Jesus kept silent, but he knew who it was, for the traitor had not only already received his 30 pieces of silver, but used some of it to grab the check.
20
A nice gesture, but too little, too late.
21
Then, in a moment of great solemnity, Jesus offered the first Communion.
22
He passed around the bread and said, “Take, eat; this is my body”; and then he passed around the wine and said, “Drink ye all of it; for this is my blood.”
23
“Great. A cannibal vampire,” I thought.
24
“My son is going to die a cannibal vampire.”