Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
11
(Besides which, there is also the matter of authorial courtesy; for I understand he is currently in negotiations with HarperCollins.)
12
But his unsuccessful temptation of Jesus is not classified; it is right there in the Synoptic Gospels for all to see, so I do not mind mentioning it here.
13
And this seems an apt time also to discuss the little else I am willing to tell thee about the devil; for none of it is new information, but rather mere confirmation of things thou hast long suspected.
14
For the devil is, indeed, the fallen angel Lucifer.
15
And Lucifer did, indeed, lead a rebellion against me; and I did, indeed, suppress it, and cast him out.
16
And ever since, Lucifer hath, indeed, sought to lure mankind into the path of evil.
17
And he doth, indeed, do this by projecting himself and his evil messages into books, and shadows, and weird murmurings in the forest, and creaking sounds in the dark, and R-rated movies, and whatever the latest, most youth-oriented form of music is.
18
And he doth, indeed, especially love heavy-metal; into the recording sessions whereof he does, indeed, sneak, that he may insert backward messages into songs; for he believeth retrograde gibberish laid inaudibly under ear-shattering grindcore, to be the most effective way to promote his views.
19
And he doth, indeed, visit people in their time of need; and offer to grant them mortal happiness in exchange for their immortal soul; and if they agree, he doth, indeed, have them sign a contract; for though he is the amoral Prince of All Lies, he hath for some reason an unshakable respect for tort law.
20
And he doth, indeed, have red skin; and horns; and a long curved tail; and a trident.
21
And he did, indeed, go down to Georgia, and lose a violin competition there to a young musician named Johnny; whereupon he did, indeed, give his beloved golden fiddle to Johnny; who thereupon did, indeed, call him a son of a bitch.
22
Yea, there is only one widely held belief about the devil that is a misconception; and even that only partially so.
23
The number of the devil is
not
666.
24
That is only his area code; his full number is unlisted.
CHAPTER 12
1
I
t is not my intention here to outline the final three years of Jesus’s life, for of those there is more than enough record; all four Gospels tell the story in magnificent detail.
2
My favorite of these is Matthew, but Mark has its moments; and John’s literary style is at times quite engaging.
3
Luke stinks.
4
But I will offer
my
recollections of Jesus during his ministry; for I was not only a witness but a participant, in frequent contact with him during that time; as was H. G., whose interest in his younger brother’s vocation remained avid.
5
Soon after resisting the devil’s temptations, H. G., Jesus, and I gathered one day for a strategy session in Jesus’s cerebellum.
6
It quickly devolved into a shouting match between Jesus and me; for he wanted his ministry to consist of preaching and hugging and telling people he loved them and baking them vegan millet loaves;
7
While I wanted it to consist of upbraiding heretics and slaughtering animals and afflicting the wicked with liver disease.
8
Finally, just as Jesus was limbering up his orbicularis oculi in preparation for the Look, H. G. stepped forward and said, “Dad, Jeez, it’s very simple: PAM.
9
PAM. Parables, Apostles, Miracles.
10
That’s it. That’s all we need.
11
For in my many travels around the world I have observed human beings of every size and shape and color and socioeconomic background, and there are three things that never fail to impress them:
12
Stories, entourages, and magic.
13
So let us write some parables; let us write them so as to have wide popular appeal; meaning nothing too artsy, Jesus, and nothing too bloody, Dad.
14
And then let us gather apostles to help spread the Word; it matters not exactly how many, though my instinct says somewhere between ten and the low teens.
15
And then the miracles ... well, the miracles will be the easy part.
16
What do you say? Let us PAM.
17
Say it with me: PAM. PAM.
18
PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM!”
19
His excitement was contagious; and soon all three of us were dancing around shouting “PAM!”;
20
For even I am not immune to the power of a catchy slogan.
CHAPTER 13
1
S
o we adapted H. G.’s PAM mantra; and we began by composing a body of parables for Jesus, proven material he could fall back on whenever his newer stuff bombed.
2
But our worries were unfounded; for from the moment he began his first sermon Jesus spellbound the crowd with his passion, sincerity, empathy, and prop work.
3
Nor did he need much help crafting his parables; for he took to the form like Aesop to fables, or Sparks to schlock;
4
Proving most adept at condensing complex moral and theological issues into lively stories that conveyed a message without being preachy.
5
Indeed, every utterance of Jesus in the Gospels is memorable and inspired; but in reviewing them again for this book—for verily, the last edition of the New Testament I read was Gutenberg’s—it struck me that a few sections and quotations have come to feel dated.
6
So I have provided below, and in the two chapters that follow, new versions of four of his parables, and various of his other utterances; which
H. G. and I have revised in accordance with the spirit of thine age, and with Jesus’s full, albeit unspoken and unsought, permission.
THE PRODIGAL SON
7
A certain farmer had two sons, and the younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me.”
8
So he divided in two his estate; and soon after the younger son ceased tilling his father’s land, and began wasting himself with riotous living.
9
He continued in this manner for years, his condition ever worsening, his denials ringing ever hollower; until one day he hit rock bottom, drunkenly falling off Mount Hebron and landing on a rock at the bottom.
10
And as he lay there half-dead, I came to him in his delirium and said, “My name is Jesus Christ, and I am an interventionist.
11
Thou art addicted, my son, addicted to sin, and it is a sickness; for maketh no mistake, addiction
is
a disease.
12
Now, I am a healer; I can raise the dead, and make the blind see; but when it comes to a hard-core sin addiction, there are no miracles, my son, only hard work.
13
And to begin that work, thou must remove thyself this day, to a gardened refuge not far from here: The Brighter Horizons Clean Living Facility of New Canaan.
14
It is thy choice; I cannot force thee; but knowest that if thou choosest not to go, it will have the following consequences: I will not die for thee, or anyone; and humanity will go unredeemed forever.
15
But it’s thy call.”
16
And the son took strength, and entered into the program; and committed himself to it, and reached inside himself to find the strength to confront that which he had undergone throughout his childhood.
17
(Suffice it to say, that his late mother could be
extremely
affectionate.)
18
And when it was over, he determined to visit his father, that he might humble himself before him and beg his forgiveness.
19
But when his father saw him approach he ran to him and embraced him; and told his servants to arrange a feast by preparing the fatted calf, along with a vegetarian option.
20
Now, when the elder brother saw this he was aggrieved, and said, “Father, all these years I have served thee, never transgressing against thy commandments;
21
Yet as soon as my prodigal brother returned, only then didst thou kill the fatted calf; which thou knowest I have had my eye on for some time, being a bit of a veal buff.”
22
And the father responded, “Son, thou art always with me, and everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate, for this my youngest son was dead and is alive again; was lost, and is found.”
23
And the brother said, “Come to think of it, thou hast never killed a goat for me either; or a chicken.
24
In fact, thou hast never slaughtered a single piece of livestock for me in thy entire life.
25
Not ... once.”
26
And the father said, “Why must thou ruin the moment?”
27
And the prodigal son relapsed into debauchery before the end of that month; so he returned to New Canaan, but left three weeks early, declaring himself “ready”;
28
Whereupon he stayed clean for two weeks, then relapsed again, big-time; and as of this writing he had checked in a third time; but lo, this is not uncommon.
29
For recovery is not a destination, but a journey.
CHAPTER 14
THE SOWER
1
Behold, there went a sower out to sow.