Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
CHAPTER 19
1
T
he next 24 hours would change everything; for humanity, to be sure, but more importantly for me.
2
After the meal, Jesus and the apostles walked to the Garden of Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives.
3
Now this Olive Garden had long been a popular gathering place for them, for it served a variety of Roman food in a convivial atmosphere, and at a minimum of payment; and when they were there, they felt like family.
4
But soon the Roman soldiers came to arrest him; and thou-knowest-who approached him, and kissed him;
5
Kissed him, to add insult to injury, with tongue.
6
Everyone knows what happened next: the arrest; the mortifying perp walk in front of the Temple; and the imprisonment on charges of treason against the government, charges trumped up by the Jewish high priests.
7
(For many were so falsely charged and imprisoned during the hysteria of the War on Torah.)
8
Then he was brought before Pontius Pilate; as is recorded in the Gospels, Pilate had the power to pardon one prisoner, either Jesus or Barabbas, and he decided to let the crowd choose.
9
But what is
not
recorded in the Gospels, is that Barabbas was in prison for being a gentleman jewel thief.
10
He stole diamonds and rubies from the very wealthy; he was dapper and suave; he bedded Judea’s most beautiful women; he was a Clooneyesque roustabout.
11
Jesus never had a chance.
12
And now his suffering began in earnest: the punching and spitting and striking and kicking; to say nothing of the mockery;
13
Mockery which, unlike the good-spirited japery of the previous night’s roast, came not from a good place.
14
For Jesus was derided, insulted, and humiliated; taunted as “King of the Jews”; even the size of his most intimate parts was ridiculed, invariably by those who themselves had something to hide.
15
But the cruelest of all the torments was the unified chanting of the Jewish throngs and the Roman soldiers: “Jeeeeee-sus! Jeeeeee-sus!”
16
Lo, it was exactly the same form of derision as that heaped by fans, almost 2,000 years later, upon slugger Darryl Strawberry;
17
And almost as vicious.
18
Every instinct in me longed to go Old Testament on all of them; my brain reeled with comforting thoughts of brimstone and boils; but I forebore.
19
Because as I watched my son suffer the abuse he had been dreaming of his whole life, I realized something:
20
Jesus was no pussy.
21
Jesus was one tough son of a bitch.
CHAPTER 20
1
F
or my son did not complain when they sentenced him to death.
2
My son did not wince as they placed upon him the crown of thorns.
3
My son did not grimace as they scourged him with whips.
4
My son did not flinch as they placed the cross on his back.
5
No; because my son ... was a
man.
6
Yea, Ruth was right; he and I were truly two very different Godheads.
7
I was a self-made Being who had risen from nothing to become Master of the Universe; to get what I wanted I smote anyone who got in the way, along with many who were merely close to the way, and untold millions who were a great deal of distance away from the way.
8
But my son was of a different breed; he sought to become Master of the Universe by
returning
to nothing; by being not smiter, but smitee.
9
And now, as he took his last un-scenic stroll through downtown Jerusalem; now, at last, I understood.
10
What I had once viewed as his weakness was in fact strength: his suffering
was
power; his humanity
was
divine.
11
He knew I was watching; he could have summoned me to his assistance; he could have called in the cavalry to Calvary anytime.
12
I had watched Abraham and Job suffer, and my reaction had made me wonder what was wrong with me; watching Jesus suffer I felt the same way, but for entirely different reasons.
13
For as my son staggered through the Via Dolorosa carrying the means of his own death, I smiled and thought, “That’s my boy!”
14
And when he reached Golgotha, and they held him down and bade him drink vinegar mixed with gall, I thought, “Way to take one for the team, son!”;
15
And as I watched the centurions hammering into his ankles and wrists, and my son’s face tremble in excruciating pain, I thought, “Thou art tough as nails, kid!”;
16
And as I watched them mount his cross upon the hillside I thought, “Hang in there, buddy!”
17
And as the crowd mocked and threw stones at his crucified body, my heart well-nigh burst with pride.
18
And as he looked up at me and with his final breath murmured, “It is finished,” I said, “Thou didst it! Thou didst it, kiddo!
19
Behold, world! Behold the Man! For my son is . . . is human!
20
Yea! My son is human, and I care not who knows it!
21
I love my dead human son!
22
I love thee, son!”
23
(For he had died and was now standing next to me.)
CHAPTER 21
1
T
hat night Jesus, H. G., and I convened in the transdimensional Godplane for the first time in 33 years.
2
We quickly attended to business, and lo, there was much of it to attend; for Jesus’s resurrection was less than 48 hours away, and we still had some kinks to work out.
3
H. G. wanted to schedule a meeting during the return where Jesus could formally instruct his Apostles to spread the gospel.
4
I proposed making that the very last item on Jesus’s return agenda, in accordance with a long-held theory of mine that motivational speeches are more impactful when they end with the speaker’s ascension to heaven.
5
All this was fine with Jesus; he insisted only that Mary Magdalene be the first one to see him risen, for he wished to provide her with at least one unforgettable romantic memory.
6
He greatly pitied her; he knew how much she loved him, but she was one of those unfortunate women for whom all the good ones proved to be either married, gay, or Jesus Christ.
7
As we talked I chattily shared with my own prodigal son my opinions and thoughts on the details of his mission: his miracles, and his anointings, and his unimaginable physical ordeal.
8
When I told him how proud I was of the way he had handled his crucifixion, he was characteristically modest.
9
“Oh, Father,” he said, “we are talking about the Roman Empire.
10
Crucifixion is probably the
least
painful means of death I could have suffered at its hands.
11
Verily, they have this new device, the cubinatium. It slices the body into dice-sized cubes over the course of a month, all while impaling thee through the innards with a spiked bronze javelin.
12
Now
that
sounds painful!”
13
We laughed until we cried.
14
All through the night we reminisced; all of us, H. G. included, for he, too, had grown in my esteem.
15
We had grown very close; the way we had bonded was uncanny, almost mystical; as if the three of us were of the same substance, merely in a different figuration; a mutually indwelling trinity existing in reciprocal immanence as per the doctrine of perichoresis;
16
It is hard to explain; the point is, we had grown very close.
17
As we floated back to see Ruth and Kathy, I pulled Jesus aside.
18
“Son,” I said, “I know thou hast at times wondered if I truly believed in thee.
19
Verily, I do. I believe in thee.
20
I believe in thee; thy Apostles believe in thee; and soon many more people will believe in thee.
21
Thou knowest, I have never told thee this, but all my existence I have struggled with wrath-management issues; yet watching thee down there hath given me a whole new outlook.
22
Thou hast inspired me to change my ways; to create a kinder, more compassionate world by following the noble precepts thou hast explicitly laid forth.
23
Yea; as soon as mankind starts following them, I will, too.
24
And one more thing: I have a surprise for thee.
25
When thou first hatched this plan to come to earth, thy goal was merely to redeem the Jews; to bring them back to the path of righteousness, that they might be spared my wrath; and this thou hast accomplished; the Jews are spared; I will not obliterate them from the world.
26
I promise not that henceforward their lives will be rainbows and honeycomb; but I will not obliterate them.