Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
27
Rivers run red with blood.
28
Rivers run yellow with urine.
29
Rivers run green with mucus.
30
Rivers run white with breast milk.
31
All waterways free to run with bodily fluid of their choice.
CHAPTER 4
FEBRUARY
1
T
he pope surprises Vatican observers by declaring February International Pedophilia Month.
2
Groundhog “Punxsutawney Phil” emerges from his burrow and sees his shadow next to that of the Grim Reaper. He dies on the spot.
3
After a long negotiation, Israel finally agrees to terms to a peace treaty with the Sumerians.
4
A piece of litter is seen on a street in Toronto.
5
The Anglican Church bans gays from entering the priesthood, but to safeguard its future also bans them from leaving it.
6
In the first primary election of the 2012 campaign season, the Iowa Republican caucus is won by the party’s previous nominee for vice-president.
7
A month-long bear market drops the Dow Jones to a 15-year low of 6,666.66.
8
McDonald’s launches its new sandwich “The McEmbolism.”
9
While cooking for friends, ex–British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward accidentally spills 100,000 gallons of vegetable oil in his kitchen.
10
A flotilla of 500 Cubans leaves Havana bound for Miami. The 25 left-handed pitchers onboard are granted political asylum.
11
In a 6–3 ruling, the US Supreme Court declares it unconstitutional for the guy living next door to them to play his music that loud.
12
Venus Williams eats a Mars bar while exchanging her Mercury for a Saturn in Neptune, New Jersey.
13
Frogs rain from the sky all afternoon. They trail off into a light frog-drizzle by early evening; then a mild night, with lows in the 40s.
14
When eaten, Valentine’s Day candy hearts spurt blood.
15
Just after midnight, the winner of the New Hampshire Republican primary is announced as the former weekend fill-in sports reporter for KTUU-TV in Anchorage.
16
American Air Lines flight 353, carrying 152 passengers and 11 crew, lands safely in Omaha, Nebraska. All on board are forced to spend time there.
17
An iceberg bigger than Rhode Island drifts down from the Arctic Ocean to the coast of Rhode Island, which it proceeds to taunt mercilessly.
18
The number of pornographic images a person can Google exceeds the number for which Google was named.
19
Thousands of dead fish come ashore . . .
in fishing boats!
20
On Presidents’ Day the faces on Mt. Rushmore transform Dorian Gray–style to resemble the men as they would actually look if they had lived until 2012.
21
During a surprise visit to Mardi Gras, Queen Elizabeth II shows thee her tits. All things considered, not bad.
22
A meteor cluster appears over thy head at midnight.
23
The same meteor cluster is visible at noon.
24
The same cluster is visible three or four times, about a block behind thee.
25
When thou returnest home, thou hast a message from the cluster, introducing itself and asking thee out for a drink.
26
At the Academy Awards, Pauly Shore takes home Best Actor honors, while a block of she-wood upsets Katherine Heigl for Best Actress. Best Picture?
Tyler Perry’s Taking a Dump.
27
Bowing to Tea Party pressure, the International House of Pancakes declares foreign pancakes no longer welcome in its restaurants.
28
The winner of the pivotal South Carolina Republican primary is a person who served five-eighths of a term leading America’s 47th-most populous state.
29
No signs of the Apocalypse scheduled. (Verily, I forgot it was a leap year!)
CHAPTER 5
MARCH
1
M
arch comes in like a lion biting the head off the president of Tanzania during a nationally televised news conference.
2
Justin Bieber—aged 18 years, 1 day—shoots his first porn.
3
Apple gives its new iPhone 6 rollout the personal touch, with its sales force dispatched to bump into every iPhone 5 owner at the exact GPS coordinates where he or she happens to be at 9:00
AM
Greenwich Mean Time.
4
The city council of Berkeley, California, passes the Meat Is Murder Act. Eighty-seven residents are immediately arrested and charged with aggravated steak.
5
The Roman Coliseum is renamed Agility Global Integrated Logistics Stadium.
6
The Super Tuesday primaries put the GOP presidential nomination firmly in the grip of a person who once coined the word “refudiate” and then likened that coinage to Shakespeare.
7
Glenn Beck publishes his new novel, weighing in at an impressive 666 pages.
8
Al-Qaeda begins posting job offers on Craigslist. They pull them when some of the applicants start giving them the creeps.
9
The SAT introduces a fourth section, Tweeting. It also does away with the first three sections.
10
The global economy gets a short-term boost as Oprah Winfrey gives every human being on earth a car.
11
Americans set their clocks ahead an hour for Daylight Saving Time, but I foil their plans by moving the
sun
ahead an hour.
12
Japanese engineers unveil the first vehicle ever to run entirely on clean, renewable energy, the Toyota Bicycle.
13
Jesus’s face inexplicably appears on thousands of Renaissance paintings across the globe.
14
With his $5 billion inheritance from January, Donald Trump opens his second Trump Taj Mahal casino. Venue: the Taj Mahal.
15
Paranoid schizophrenia besets every player, coach, and referee involved in March Madness.
16
During spring break week, girls gone wild rampage across South Padre Island. The grim numbers: 400 dry-humped, 13 laid.
17
Not a single St. Patrick’s Day reveler vomits.
Not one.
18
Kenyan Geoffrey Mutai makes history by winning the Los Angeles Marathon in exactly two hours, though
Variety
says it would have been a stronger race if he’d trimmed 20 minutes.
19
Thousands of dead roaches are found . . .
in roach traps!
20
Jerusalem’s Dome of the Rock is fitted with a retractable roof and Astroturf.
21
The vernal equinox brings exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night, alternating an hour at a time.
22
Fifty thousand pandas march on Tiananmen Square demanding greater dietary freedom. They are massacred, and remain cruelly restricted to bamboo.
23
At dinner, every child between the ages of 4 and 12
demands
more vegetables.
24
The Hunger Games
opens and becomes a global phenomenon, as does hunger.
25
Harsh economic times force rapper 50 Cent to scale back his name to 2 Bits.
26
The Simpsons
is cancelled.
27
The last native Yiddish speaker dies at 85 of complications from
shpilkes.
28
A 5.3 earthquake strikes directly under Great Salt Lake. The resulting tsunami brines 93.
29
A conservative umpire calls President Obama’s ceremonial first pitch of the baseball season a balk.
30
March leaves like a lamb being petted by the new president of Tanzania during a nationally televised news conference until the lion reappears to bite its head off. (Lo, didst thou think they would lie down together?)
CHAPTER 6
APRIL
1
W
ith trumpets and lightning I descend to announce I have come to judge the living and the dead. Then I scream “April Fool’s!” and go back up.
Zing!
2
Benjamin Moore purchases France’s Chauvet Cave—the home of 30,000-year-old cave art—and repaints it “Habañero Chili” as a synergistic promotion with Chipotle.
3
North Korea’s aging dictator Kim Jong Il formally transfers all governmental power to the little man in his head who is crazy.
4
Fox News airs a typical day of programming.
5
As the Masters begins, I receive a letter from the president of Augusta National. After considering my application, he has placed me on the waiting list.
6
The value of π is now found to be 6.66.
7
The ghosts at Disney World’s Haunted Mansion come to life and terrify visitors with ghastly tales of their former lives as employees at Disney World.
8
No signs of the Apocalypse scheduled. (It’s Easter. The kid deserves his day.)