The Last Testament: A Memoir (58 page)

²⁶
Thou seest the meteor cluster spying on thee from the skies over a California Pizza Kitchen. Deciding to reason with it, thou calmly but firmly summonest it down, tellest it thou art flattered but not interested, and to please leave thee alone. The cluster saith it understands and wishes thee well before rising back to the sky at 50 miles per second. Hopefully that takes care of that.

²⁷
The Republican National Convention opens in Tampa with a rendition of Lee Greenwood’s country anthem “God Bless the USA” sung by trained bald eagles.

²⁸
Rush Limbaugh is officially named the Republican nominee for vice-president. When it becomes official, he declares himself “happier than a black man with a watermelon.”

²⁹
Sarah Louise Palin is officially named the Republican nominee for president. She waves to the crowd from the podium and smiles in the way she waves and smiles when she is waving and smiling.

³⁰
In her acceptance speech, the nominee notes, “I believe in an America where the wheat is culled from the chaff, and the righteous take their seat at the table of the L
ORD
, and the wicked are punished in eternal fire.”

³¹
In honor of tonight’s blue moon, the moon turns . . . red. (Ha! Seest what I did there?)

CHAPTER 11

SEPTEMBER

¹
J
esus gets to plan today’s sign. I know not what he has in mind, but knowing him it will involve hugs.

²
The North Magnetic Pole suddenly jerks two miles after a curious eighth-grader puts a north-oriented paper clip on it.

³
The Democratic National Convention begins in Charlotte with a rendition of the Briefs’ punk classic “Destroy the USA” sung by a chorus of Gitmo detainees.

⁴
Joe Biden is officially named the Democratic nominee for vice president. When it becomes official, he declares himself “happier than a Korean with a water chestnut.”

⁵
Barack Hussein Obama is officially named the Democratic nominee for president. He waves to the crowd looking mischievous. Very, very mischievous.

⁶
In his acceptance speech, a breezy Obama notes, “How many mistakes would I have to make to blow this election? 666? Seriously, just on an intellectual level, aren’t you curious to know what it would take for me to lose to Sarah Palin? I know I am. I’m very, very curious.”

⁷
The Obama campaign launches its new slogan: “Obama/Biden ‘12: Fuck You.”

⁸
On the first day back to school, the world’s fifth-graders all find out they’ve got Mrs. Heimer (ick!) for third-period English.

⁹
A message awaits thee at home. It consists of strange crackling, swishing, and hissing sounds, followed by a terrifying sonic boom. The caller ID identifies the caller as “Cluster, Meteor.” Oh no. No no no no no.

¹⁰
The Palin campaign launches its new slogan: “Palin/Limbaugh ‘12: Nigh.”

¹¹
On the 11th anniversary of 9/11, Pakistani intelligence tells the US it now believes a senior leader of al-Qaeda may be hiding somewhere near the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

¹²
The Leaning Tower of Pisa appears straightened. In reality, the rest of Pisa has been tilted.

¹³
Sarah Palin tells an interviewer she is pro-afterlife.

¹⁴
In an interview, Donald Trump brags about how many properties he owns. The number of his boast: 666.

¹⁵
Total world population hits seven billion. Total world area holds steady.

¹⁶
Niagara Falls becomes Niagara Rises.

¹⁷
The Wailing Wall in Jerusalem actually starts wailing. After a while it calms down and just sobs quietly.

¹⁸
The remains of the Berlin Wall also do something odd. (We’re still working out the details on this one, but we liked the wall-to-wall idea.)

¹⁹
Thousands are killed by a monsoon . . .
in Norway!

²⁰
In a campaign ad shot entirely in French, a group of chain-smoking Left Bank artists hail Obama as “the only decent thing ever produced in your shithole of a country.”

²¹
Secretary General Ban Ki-moon opens the 67th session of the UN General Assembly with a rousing karaoke version of “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine).”

²²
The autumnal equinox brings equal parts day (left side of the sky) and night (right side).

²³
The subject of
Sesame Street
’s “Elmo’s World” segment is heroin. Notes Elmo, “Elmo chase the dragon!”

²⁴
Wine Spectator
says vineyards across Europe are describing this year’s grapes as “wrathful.”

²⁵
Every time the shofar is blown during Yom Kippur services, it plays “Yakety Sax,” the theme song from
Benny Hill.

²⁶
Following a generous $10 million corporate gift, Doctors Without Borders changes its name to Doctors Without Barnes & Noble.

²⁷
How did the meteor cluster get thy email?!?
Yea, it has sent a rambling message, alternating between love and hate, along with a graphic JPEG of its own tektites. This is getting to be too much. Thou breakest down at the office. Luckily thy best work friend, Cheryl, is there to comfort thee.

²⁸
Barack Obama tells a capacity crowd in the swing state of Ohio, “You smell like you showered in shit this morning.”

²⁹
Sarah Palin tells a capacity crowd in the swing state of Florida, “For mine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.”

³⁰
Facing an unprecedented immigration crisis, the Mexican government closes its border with America.

CHAPTER 12

OCTOBER

¹
A
n Arkansas school board bans all lowercase
l
’s from its textbooks due to their suggestive shape.

²
During his first debate with Sarah Palin, President Obama remarks, “Oh, shut up. You’re stupid, just like all women.”

³
Daniel Day-Lewis’s new movie opens and man, is he awful in it.

⁴
The Panama Canal disappears, replaced by a large scar held together with 666,666,666 stitches.

⁵
The Nobel Prize for Medicine is awarded to Robitussin.

⁶
The National Hurricane Center ill-advisedly decides to name the 16th tropical storm of the year “Hurricane Pussy.” Thousands are killed.

⁷
A Gallup Poll shows the presidential race a dead heat: 5 percent Obama, 5 percent Palin, 90 percent undecided on whether life is worth living.

⁸
Every customer who purchases an item at a Columbus Day sale contracts smallpox and loses his home.

⁹
Thou hast fallen asleep on the living room couch. Waking up just before midnight, thine eyes slowly focus on the skylight overhead.
The meteor cluster is staring down at thee . . . and rubbing its rocks!
Thou criest out and reachest for the phone, but the cluster vanishes before thou canst even dial 9-1-1.

¹⁰
Thou sharest thy story with the policeman who arrives at the scene. The cop—a handsome sergeant named Jenkins, 40ish, still dealing with the pain of a recent divorce—saith they cannot apprehend the cluster without proof it is stalking thee. He gives thee his card.

¹¹
At a campaign rally in Richmond, Sarah Palin begins menstruating from her wrists.

¹²
At a campaign rally in Pittsburgh, Obama suggests the local pro football team be renamed the “Pittsburgh Ass-Lickers.”

¹³
A suicide bomber in Berlin attempts to blow up a suicide-hotline center but is dissuaded by its skilled, compassionate staff.

¹⁴
During his second debate with Sarah Palin, President Obama remarks, “God, you’re so
white!
I
hate
that! I
hate
white people!”

¹⁵
A mine explosion in West Virginia kills 178 human-labor asset units of the Massey Energy Company.

¹⁶
In retaliation for April 25, not a single secretary buys a card for Boss’s Day. Millions of bosses couldn’t care less.

¹⁷
Tonight’s Final Jeopardy! category is “Numbers.” The clue is, “Its square root is
.”

¹⁸
Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to fathering a love child with the Predator.

¹⁹
Thousands are killed by a typhoon . . .
in Death Valley!

²⁰
The word in today’s 2012 Word-a-Day Calendar is “apocalyptic.” It is defined as “of or pertaining to the event taking place in nine weeks.”

²¹
In their only encounter, vice-presidential candidates Joe Biden and Rush Limbaugh debate their widely different positions on the economy, foreign policy, and whether Joe Biden should crawl into a hole and die.

²²
“Nukalyptus,” an adorable nine-month-old, is the winner of the inaugural $10,000,000 Trump Koala Klassic.

²³
The L.A. County Coroner performs an autopsy revealing the victim died of an autopsy.