Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
15
After my recent return from a century on the cosmic bench, I had every intention of picking up my career where I left off, only with a healthier attitude; and spending at least a few more centuries godding with the confidence and devil-may-not-exist-yet attitude of my glory days.
16
But then, as I say, I became aware of the 2012 phenomenon, which tied in to my preexisting admiration for the Mayans; it seemed like a sign.
17
(Yea, it is silly to take such coincidences as signs; yet thou knowest how such things can seem to betoken some higher purpose.)
18
I started reflecting on all that had taken place over earth’s 6,000 years of existence—by the way, the Mayans had guessed 5,125; a little bit closer than 13.7
billion
, wouldst thou not say?—
19
And then I started reflecting on my relationship with thee: what had gone wrong, who was at fault,
why
it was thy fault, and whether any of it even mattered anymore.
20
And then I started wondering if maybe the Mayans, as usual, were correct; whether this
was
the right time to end one phase of my career and move on to the next; before the memory of my greatness was obscured by my age, and I became like unto Brett Favre quarterbacking the cosmos.
21
For now that I had had some time to get my head together, and gain some insights as to who I was (and am and will always be), there was nothing to keep me from starting over; nothing preventing me from creating another universe, one better suited for my needs, at least at this point in my forever.
22
But I was finished with cheating; for I had seen the pain it caused, and could not stand the thought of the human race once again having to vie (albeit unknowingly) for my attention; for through every era of history it remained steadfast in its faith in me, even though I had given it many reasons—85,435,432,143, to be exact—not to.
23
I had made a vow never to be dishonest to thee again, and I meant to keep it; no, this would have to be a clean and total break;
24
For mankind, I love thee far too deeply not to destroy thee utterly.
25
And so I made the decision: one last crazy year, and then we say good-bye, not in regret but in friendship; valuing the time we spent together, treasuring the memories we shared, and putting behind us the anger thou caused.
26
The world began on October 23, 4004 B.C.; it will end on December 21, 2012; pencil it in.
27
(But remember what I said at the end of Facts 5:2–9, about there being a little wiggle room to leave time for a sequel if this book selleth well enough.
28
No pressure.)
CHAPTER 2
1
S
o much for the when of Armageddon; but the how has been well-established for almost two millennia.
2
H. G., Jesus, and I worked out the details at a meeting shortly after the Crucifixion; and the plan we created is the one we intend to follow on December 21, 2012.
3
Shortly after that meeting in the late 1st century, I visited John the Evangelist and granted him the vision of end-times that he wrote down in
The Book of Revelation.
4
Its hallucinatory imagery, discursive plot, cryptic language, and overall Ursula K. Le Guin–on-PCP feel have led many to question its authenticity as true divine prophecy.
5
But verily, everything on the page
is
an accurate and complete account of the vision John beheld that night on the Greek island of Patmos;
6
Which, like the tale of Leviathan, I made up as I went along.
7
How’s
that
for revelation?
8
What, didst thou really believe I would reveal every detail of the Apocalypse, so that when it comes thou wouldst know exactly what to expect and how to prepare?
9
Who dost thou take me for, Thor?
10
No, I used John to head-fake thee, and head-faked thou wert; for with Revelation as its guide, the end-of-the-world trade grew exponentially from a black market, to a cottage industry, to a legitimate business, to the military-eschatological complex it is today.
11
Even
I
am surprised it hath proven so popular; for in hindsight, most of the stuff I crammed into John’s hallucination that night was third-tier mythology I would not have fobbed off on the Inuit.
12
I attribute its continued influence not to the great number of people who have read it, but to the far greater number who have
not.
13
For
The Book of Revelation
is definitely one of those works whose authority withstands ignorance far better than familiarity.
14
Verily, get high one night and read it, if thou wouldst giggle unceasingly.
15
But what I
am
willing to share, is the schedule for the signs leading
up to
the unknown events of December 21, 2012.
16
There will be one such sign every day (more or less) starting from January 1, and my team and I are putting a
lot
of effort into them; more than is strictly prudent, to be honest with thee.
17
For as thou shalt see, most of these signs require a great deal of planning and topnotch production values; and allotting the needed angelpower for their execution will put additional stress on the rest of the staff preparing for the dark, unfathomable events of December 21, 2012.
18
I could say we are doing it to pander to mankind’s love of omens, but the omens man prefers are of the cryptic variety; as with Nostradamus, who will write vaguely of, say, “a brown man from the south,” prompting the creative reader to make a mental connection that sends him leaping out of his chair yelling, “Hugo Chavez!”
19
Our omens, however, are much more unambiguous; moreover—and
this
is the real reason we are putting so much effort into them—they are fun.
20
We had a great time writing them, the boys and I; it was like the Ten Plagues all over again; and I know we shall have a good time turning them into reality, as we shall the mysterious, terrifying, indescribably inconceivable events of December 21, 2012;
21
The very first of which, against my own better judgment, I have included at the end of this schedule.
22
It is my way of saying thank thee, dear Reader, for devoting some of the precious little time left in thy life to reading this humble book.
23
I will pay thee back.
CHAPTER 3
JANUARY
1
A
s the ball drops at midnight in Times Square, it shatters to reveal the severed head of Santa Claus.
2
In India, a two-headed cow is born to a two-headed sheep.
3
Italy wakes up to find it is now shaped like a ballet flat.
4
Everybody in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir marries everybody else.
5
Grand opening of the Galápagos Mega-Mall.
6
The average price of a gallon of gas in America hits $6.66.
7
A distant cousin he’d never heard of bequeaths Donald Trump his entire $5 billion estate.
8
An avalanche in Switzerland leaves 20 dead and thousands without chocolate.
9
Starbucks debuts its new “molto massimo” cup, which holds the same volume of liquid as the store itself.
10
Fox premieres its reality show,
So You Think You Can Fly a Plane.
11
A madman gains control of Epcot’s Germany Pavilion. By the time he is stopped, six million novelty steins have been incinerated.
12
The UN General Assembly rejects Security Council Resolution 1981, which would have granted them permission to go to the bathroom.
13
Jennifer Aniston signs a 10-boyfriend deal with
Us Weekly.
14
The Great Pyramid of Giza collapses in a Ponzi scheme.
15
Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais opens the show by shooting Robert Downey Jr. to death.
16
Physicists at the CERN Lab outside Geneva successfully convert two subatomic particles to Methodism.
17
It rains men. No one says “Hallelujah.”
18
Boox!iya, the last-known survivor of the Yahapde tribe of the Amazon rainforest, is accepted into the freshman class at Oral Roberts University.
19
Thousands of dead birds fall from the sky . . .
to the ground!
20
Despite overwhelming evidence, Disney employees emphatically deny the incineration of six million novelty steins the week before.
21
Around the world, actual angry birds are seen attacking actual green pigs by hurling themselves in actual slingshots.
22
Half the world’s computers are hit with a virus that gives them pneumonia.
23
George Lucas begins preproduction on
Star Wars Episode 0: American Graffiti.
It is a shot-for-shot remake of
American Graffiti
performed by Ewoks.
24
The Great Wall of China collapses. The government immediately orders 100,000,000 citizens to stand on each other’s shoulders in a 4,000-mile-long line.
25
At some point today, the word “literally” is misused by literally everyone on earth.
26
The Osama bin Laden Hideout Family Funhouse opens in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Its slogan: “The best time you ever ji-had!”