Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
CHAPTER 22
1
A
nd now I find myself in a much better place: heaven.
2
When I returned to the office I was eager to resume my regular function as the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe; but I was a bit behind on current events.
3
So the first thing I did—after a warm reunion with Ruth and Kathy, and a hearty reconsubstantiation with the boys—was get a full update on all that had transpired in the world from April 1912 through the present day.
4
Lo, it’s been quite a century!
5
Verily, thou hast certainly been keeping thyselves busy.
6
I seem to have missed quite a number of fascinating incidents and trends.
7
The moon landing, for instance: I am sorry I was not there to witness it; though perhaps thou shouldst be glad of that.
8
“One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
9
Forgetting someone?
10
I was also absent for the rise and fall of communism, a philosophy that was doomed to failure: it is as if Karl Marx had taken Jesus’s teachings and distorted them
totally
within recognition.
11
But easily the most astonishing marvel of the last 100 years is the Internet.
12
It is a cosmic wonder, and in theory a legitimate rival; for it already knoweth 6 percent of what I know about the universe, and 350 percent of what I know about MILF hunting.
13
When not busy transcribing these words, I have spent much of the last year exploring this new world of thine; I have plumbed the profundities of Google, and YouTube, and
www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com
;
14
I have gleaned mirth from Numa Numa Guy; I have rolled my eyes at “Double Rainbow” (though I appreciated its numerous shout-outs); I have reeled in horror at 2 Girls 1 Cup; and I have seen Rebecca Black do her level best to help remove the phrase “Thank God It’s Friday” from the popular lexicon.
15
Threescore thousand memes have washed over my divine display; and if I believed the World Wide Web a true threat to my universal hegemony, I would shut it down faster than thou couldst say “rogue solar flare-up.”
16
But I have come to the same conclusion as many of you: the Internet is ultimately no more than a global electronic alchemical device that mystically transforms time into pornography.
17
Verily, if I had known humanity would devise a way to spend so much time watching porn, I would never have allowed it to be created.
18
Time, I mean.
CHAPTER 23
1
Y
et there is one aspect of the high-tech world for which my appreciation is boundless: Twitter.
2
Other of thy so-called “social media” do nothing for me; LinkedIn is useless, as I am gainfully employed and not hiring; blogging is nothing but a cross between keeping a diary and shouting into the void; and as for Facebook, let’s just say I have grave privacy concerns.
3
But Twitter is the most effective means of corresponding with mankind ever devised; and I have already informed my associates that henceforward all direct communications from me to them (and to thee) will be conducted via tweet.
4
Some of you already follow me on my Twitter account, @TheTweetOf-God; those who do not may wish to put this book down and do so forthwith;
5
For I am watching thee, and know that thou hast arrived at this verse, and therefore no longer have ignorance as an excuse; and I may choose to factor in thy compliance or disobedience on this matter when making future decisions on certain larger issues, issues whose nature I am not prepared to fully disclose on the record but may concern thy eternal—
6
Welcome, new Follower!
7
As astute tweeps will observe, I myself only follow one other person, the one thou callest “Justin Bieber”; whom some have speculated is the earthly avatar of my oldest son H. G., sent here to usher in the dawn of a new age; an interesting speculation I herein neither confirm nor, more notably, deny.
8
When I send a message on Twitter, all my Followers receive it instantly and identically; there is no ambiguity, and no sassback.
9
Lo, if I could have tweeted the Ten Commandments to the Chosen People, I would have; it would have gone a long way toward meeting our unattained goal of getting Judaism tablet-free by 700 B.C.
10
Moreover, the 140-character limit is a much-needed restraint for those with a tendency to ramble, like me; but that is not to say I would ever stoop to use any of those popular web initialisms that cheapen language.
11
Besides, the meaning of these acronyms often differs between heaven and earth, in ways that could lead to confusion.
12
For example, in heaven, LOL means “L
ORD
of L
ORDS
”; as in, “Praise thee, Almighty God; the Everlasting Father; the King of Peace; LOL.”
13
And IMHO means “in my holy omniscience”; as in, “IMHO, Renee Zellweger was woefully miscast in
Chicago.
”
14
And WTF means “whither the forgiveness?” as in, “Gretchen and Slade won’t apologize to Tamara for talking trash about her to Peggy? WTF?!?”
15
And ROTFL means “rolling on the floor laughing,” as it dost on earth; only when
I
do it, it causes a hurricane.
CHAPTER 24
1
Y
ea, I have been gone, humanity, gone far too long; but now I am back with a new attitude, and a new self-acceptance, and I am looking forward to working with you on making this next, last year of the human race as rewarding as possible.
2
I’ve also been playing a lot of golf.
3
Once (or if I’m lucky, twice!) a week, I slip out of the office a little early, don a body, and play a round of 18.
4
I have become addicted to golf over the last few months; it has deepened my understanding of the agonies and ecstasies of the human experience; more than that, it is a metaphor for my career.
5
For though it is the most challenging, maddening, infuriating activity imaginable; though it is the entirely physical outcome of an almost purely mental exertion; and though it can test me beyond all measure and reason;
6
Yet once in a great while, I will roll that perfect putt into the cup, or crash that perfect lightning bolt onto the slow golfer in front of me;
7
And for one glorious second, all is right with the universe.
8
Golf is one of my two new obsessions; the other is reality television.
9
I love reality TV; love it to the depth of my being, the breadth of my spirit, and the width of my selection of cable channels.
10
I have learned more about humanity from watching 15 years’ worth of reality shows than from overseeing 6,000 years of human history.
11
And I will go further: the entirety of human history held less drama for me than did a single season of
Survivor,
or
American Idol,
or
Dancing with the Stars,
or
The Bachelorette,
or any of the
Real Housewives,
except for maybe the season in Miami.
12
But these are only the most celebrated series; I, the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe, have seen them all:
13
I have salivated at
Top Chef
; I have winced as Joan and Melissa bitched their way through
The Apprentice
; I have marveled at Tim Gunn’s sartorial chivalry on
Project Runway
; and I have learned much about good parenting from
SuperNanny.
14
The pathos; the laughter; the triumph; the failure; the backstabbing; the heartwarming; the public judging; the “private” ridicule; the glamorization of unusual occupations; above all the spectacle, the sheer magnitude of the spectacle...
15
You have humbled me, mankind; yea, this time, you have truly outdone yourself.
16
I made reality; but you made reality television; well played, humanity; yours is much better edited.
17
Next time out I may skip the “reality” reality era, and go right to the good stuff.
18
I may create an entire six days’ worth of original reality programming; and on the seventh day I shall watch them.
19
And on the eighth I shall create TiVo.
COLLATIONS
(“Recipes”)
CHAPTER 1
1
I
am not a foodie.
2
This is partly because I have no physical body requiring gastronomic sustenance for fuel; but mainly because I am already enough different kinds of asshole that I do not need to be one more.
3
But my editor informeth me that cookbooks are a very popular genre in publishing right now; that people love recipes, as they combine their love of following orders with their yearning to recollect how humans once made food.
4
So I rounded up a few of my favorite culinary creations from the 25 billion I keep in my 250 million recipe Rolodexes.
5
The full-course meal that follows has a little something for all monotheisms, and is an easy, delicious way to stuff thy face, esophagus, stomach, intestines, and rectum with my glory.
6
(As always, before eating these delicious treats, be sure to say grace and thank me for thy bounty.
7
Me
, and not the actual farmers who toiled to grow the food.)
Hors d’Oeuvre |
INGREDIENTS |
1 |
DIRECTIONS |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |