Her posture was stiff, full of dignity and pain, and he felt an ache of pride and sadness in his chest as he gazed at the lovely young woman who was his daughter.
His eyes stung, and the muscles of his throat throbbed from the effort of holding back almost twenty-seven years of tears. But it wasn’t the time to cry. He owed her so much, and an explanation was first and foremost. “You see, Caitlin, I met your mother twenty-seven years ago. Most of the house was closed up at that time, but Julia and her brothers had a habit of coming up from Boston from time to time to check on SwanSea and enjoy the solitude and the house where they had been raised. I was on vacation, wandering around the village, and met your mother by accident one afternoon.
“It was 1962, Caitlin, an extraordinary time. John F. Kennedy was president. Already that year John Glenn had become the first American to orbit the earth. The Peace Corps had just been established, and young people were going off to foreign countries to help those less fortunate. I felt I too could make a difference, perhaps even accomplish great things.”
Caitlin had slowly turned toward him. He had at least captured her interest, he thought, however unwilling that interest was. “I was twenty-five years old with a master’s degree in world economics and had a great desire to do something with my knowledge other than make money. I was eager and idealistic, and I’d agreed to take a very difficult, secret position with the government.” He sighed, thinking that living the past had been a hell of a lot easier than trying to explain it. “In the fall of 1962, the Cuban missile crisis shook the world, and the following November, President Kennedy was killed. I’d been doing the work for over a year by then, and I’d lost my idealism. But by that time, it was too late. I was in something I couldn’t get out of. .
Quinn's voice trailed off. His gaze was fixed on the horizon, but Caitlin sensed he was seeing something inside him. She waited, wanting in spite of herself to hear more about the events that had affected her mother and her father, the events that had shaped her life before she had been bom.
“I loved your mother, Caitlin, you must believe that. We were together for two intense, glorious weeks. By the end of that time, 1 couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her, but I had no choice. Everything was ready and in place for me to be slipped into a certain volatile situation. What’s more, 1 couldn’t tell her why I was leaving. One night while she slept, I left. It must have been devastating for her.”
For the first time Caitlin spoke. “When I was a little girl, I used to ask where my father was. She told me my father had gone away. I asked why, and she said she had no answers, but some things weren’t meant to be. She also said that she thought she must have loved you more than you loved her. I just didn’t see how that was possible. ”
“It wasn’t.” Deep sorrow etched his face and aged him before her eyes. “Originally I thought I’d be back within five years. I held on to the thought that I’d see her again, and every night I’d pray that when we met again, she’d still have me. But the operation became so involved—and, by the way, so successful—I couldn’t leave. I was placed in such a strategic position that if I’d pulled out, it would have meant the death of many other agents.” He met her eyes. “It was a bitter pill for me. In reality, no one could really stop me from leaving, but I knew that my happiness would come at great sacrifice to others. I just couldn’t do it. And there was also the very real possibility that I would be followed out of that life and into the one I truly wanted. There would have been danger for Julia, and as it turns out now, for you. Attempts to contact her could have also met with the same result. Until just recently, I didn’t feel free to make inquiries. That’s when I discovered I had a daughter.”
She digested that. “You didn’t know about me?” “No.”
“I always wondered.”
“If I had known ...” His voice trailed off, and he took a deep breath.
“Are you through with your work now?”
“Oh yes,” he said most definite. “I’m really retired.” So now she knew. Finally all of her questions had been answered, but she still felt empty and flat. “Tell me, do you feel you made a difference?”
He thought for a moment. “Yes. Yes, Caitlin, I do. But I wish with all my heart I’d left it to someone else to make the difference.”
The sound of the surf and the gulls couldn’t disquise the fact that conversation ceased while seconds stretched to minutes.
“I have a favor to ask of you, Caitlin,” he said when it became clear she wouldn’t say more. “I’d like to stay here a while longer to give Julia and myself a chance to become reacquainted.”
“Is that what Mom wants?”
“I hope so. I’ve suggested it, and I’m hoping she’ll agree.”
“As far as I’m concerned, it’s whatever she wants."
“What about you, Caitlin? Is it too much to ask that we could get to know each other better?”
“Yes,” she said after a long pause, “I think it is. You chose your path, and I grew up without a father. Now you’ve suddenly reappeared. Okay, fine. But I’m not affected. I see no reason why I would need a father at this point in my life.”
Late that night, Nico opened the door of Caitlin’s bedroom. He found her lying back against a pile of pillows, reading through a folder of correspondence.
A jade-green silk chemise stopped at the middle of her thighs, and her long legs stretched out in front of her, crossed at the ankles. She looked very relaxed, very beautiful, very unattainable.
“What are you reading?” He grimaced at his unintentionally harsh tone. He’d wanted to ask what she was doing in this room instead of his bedroom, his bed. But at the last minute, he’d decided he was afraid to hear her answer.
For some reason, Caitlin had begun to shake as soon as he’d walked in the room. As calmly as possible, she set aside the letter she’d been reading and self-consciously pulled at the hem of the chemise. “It’s from an interior-decorating magazine, requesting an interview with me. They want to plan an entire issue featuring SwanSea.”
“Are you going to agree?”
“Maybe.” She eyed him through a thick fringe of dark lashes. Suddenly it dawned on her that it was two o’clock in the morning and he was wearing black jeans and a black sweater. “You’ve been out to the island, haven’t you?”
“Yes.”
She sat up. “Have you lost your mind? There’s a full moon tonight.”
“That’s why I went. I figured there wouldn’t be any activity out there, and I was right.”
"Still, you never should have gone. How did you get out there anyway?”
“I used one of the speedboats. In case you didn’t know, there’re three speedboats down at the boathouse that have been refurbished to date.”
She gazed at him broodingly. “I knew.”
Damn. This wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. “I took the smallest boat.”
“And?”
“I found evidence of activity, but nothing I could use to pin on Rettig.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Keep watching. Caitlin ...” His voice dropped and roughened. “What are you doing in here? Why aren’t you in my room? Our room?”
She subsided against the pillows and linked her fingers together. “I decided I didn’t want to be there tonight.”
“And what about tomorrow night?” he asked, trying to be civilized. He wanted to jerk her into his arms and make love to her until she had no energy left to be upset with him. “Where do you think you’ll want to be then?”
“I don’t know.”
He sat down beside her on the bed. She started to scramble off the other side, but he caught her wrist, keeping her where she was. “Caitlin, I know you’re hurt and confused, but please don’t stay away from me. Let's work it out together.”
She should have been quicker: she should never have let him get this close. His presence had a way of endangering her equilibrium. She tried to jerk away, but he held her tight.
“I’m not confused, Nico. As a matter of fact, it all seems crystal clear to me. I feel your first consideration should have been to me, not honoring some pledge to Quinn that you wouldn’t tell me.” Tears formed in her eyes, making them glisten like jewels.
“You were my first consideration, honey. I was trying to protect you.”
“I don’t need protecting, dammit! I’ve told you time and time again.”
“Oh, right. You’re a Deverell. You’re tough. Well, big deal, Caitlin. I’m not impressed.”
“I don’t care.”
“Well, I do, and it just seemed to me that having a father appear out of the blue like that wasn’t something that should be sprung on you.”
“You mean like it was?”
“Exactly. And as I told you, it was Quinn’s story to tell.”
She gazed down at her hands. “You think I’m being unreasonable, don’t you?”
“No, not at all. You’ve received a tremendous shock. I just don’t think you’ve let yourself feel that shock yet.”
“Then let me, Nico. Just back off and let me.”
He stared at her for a long minute, then sighed. “I can’t. I wish I could do as you ask, but I can’t. I have this great urge to cushion all your shocks and blows for you.”
“You just don’t listen to me, do you?” she cried.
“I always listen to you, but I admitted to you days ago that I’m a bastard. Remember I also said in spite of all my sins and crimes, I love you. And because I do, I'm enough of a bastard to stay here in your room if you won’t come back to mine.” He took her arms and twisted her around and down until she lay on the bed.
She stru
ggl
ed against him. “Nico, I don’t want to do this. Let’s talk—”
“No. If we talk, you’ll have a chance to argue with me, and an argument will only drive another wedge between us. I’m not willing to take that chance. You mean too much to me.”
He pressed his mouth to hers, intending to do no more than gently brush his lips against hers, comfort her, let her know how much he loved her. But he quickly realized that wasn’t what either of them wanted. He could feel the tension changing in her as she grew softer, more pliable, and it made him want to join with her in love and fire and know the feeling of coming apart in her arms.
Impatiently, he stripped off her panties and entered her.
But once sheathed to the hilt in her, he stilled and met her eyes. “Tell me you want me.” His words were a demand, but his tone was be
gg
ing.
She arched up to him and grasped his buttocks with her hands, trying to pull him deeper. “I want you. Lord, how I want you.”
He began to move inside her, hard and fast, bringing to her and to him a burning, a wildness, a great love.
Dark clouds boiled on the horizon; razor-edged white lightning streaked out of the heavens and bolted straight down to the water. The wind had picked up and blew cool against Caitlin’s face. She could see the storm far out at sea and knew it would be sweeping in over the land soon. She’d go in then, but not until.
Sitting on the thick green carpet of grass, she clasped her hands around her knees and lifted her face to the wind, inhaling the energy and the freshness of air that had never before touched land. There was an exhilaration to a storm at SwanSea that she’d never felt anywhere else.
She heard a jangle of silver, caught a whiff of Opium, and her mother dropped to the grass beside her. “I love watching storms,” she murmured, without looking around.
“I know,” Julia said ruefully. “I can remember more than once trying to find you during a storm, only to discover you standing out here, the wind and the rain whipping around you. You were such a fierce little thing. I always had the feeling you felt that you and SwanSea together could weather anything.”
Caitlin couldn’t help but smile, because she had felt exactly that way. “I've grown up. I’m older and wiser now.”
“But yet I still find you out here.”
“The storm isn’t here yet.” She turned to her mother. With her smooth, unlined skin and wind-tossed hair, Julia still looked as lovely as a young girl, Caitlin thought. “How
are
you. Mom? We really haven’t had a chance to talk.”
“I think I’m gradually getting over the shock. How about you?”
“The same. I’ve caught glimpses of you and Quinn over the last two days. How are things going?”
Julia shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m enjoying this time with him, but ...”
“But?”
“It's too soon to tell. We’ve been apart for a great many years. And when you think about it, we were really together only two weeks.”
“Ramona told me she’s always felt you were searching for someone, that that’s why you’ve traveled so much.”
“If I have, it hasn’t been conscious.” Her lips pursed thoughtfully. “Do you know that Quinn and I have discovered we were often in the same country at the same time? A lot of times even in the same city. If we’d turned a particular comer at a particular mo-rfient, we might have seen each other. It's ironic.”
“I think it’s sad,” Caitlin said.
“That too. At any rate, whatever happens, I’m glad I finally know why he left me.”
"You thought he’d left you because he didn’t love you enough to stay. You had to have been bitter about that, but if you were, you did a beautiful job of keeping it from me.”
“Oh, I was definitely bitter for a while.” She laughed shortly. “I am human, darling. But then you came along, and I knew that no matter what, I’d thank Quinn my whole life long for you.”
Tears welled into Caitlin’s eyes. “I really love you, Mom, and I admire you so much.”
Julia made a short, dismissing sound. “You put me in the shade, my darling daughter. I would never even have considered attempting what you are doing here with SwanSea.” She reached out and stroked Caitlin’s hair. “Quinn told me that you have the same color hair his mother had. I always wondered where that gorgeous cinnamon shade came from.” She smiled gently and searched for some sign of what Caitlin was feeling. “I’m worried about you. I want you to know that I understand your hesitancy about Quinn. After all, you must have felt terribly abandoned all these years. ”
The odd need to comfort her mother wasn’t new, she realized. She’d known the urge when she was growing up, and now she knew why. “I had you and the family and just about all the love any one person could handle.”