The Life List (The List Trilogy) (40 page)

And fall deeper in love we have. Earlier this year we spent a snowy weekend at my timeshare in Tahoe that was absolutely fabulous. Every night we snuggled by the fire as we watched the sunset over the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and we talked until it reappeared. He let me cry over the mistakes of my past and offered me the reassurance I needed for my sanity that everything happens for a reason. Hard as it was for him to be glad I was married before, he admitted, if I wasn’t, I most likely wouldn’t have been at Buckley’s that night.

A few weeks ago, we spent an incredibly romantic weekend at The Cliffs at Shell beach near San Luis Obispo. We picnicked on the beach, got shit faced at the hotel bar, and broke into the pool after hours and went skinny dipping. We even went wine tasting and made our first couples purchase together, a wine of the month club. The bulk of the trip was paid for by me because Leo’s still struggling to get through college, but he insisted on paying for half of the wine. Now each bottle we drink together reminds me of how much he loves me and that he’ll do anything to make me happy, even eat canned chili for ten days straight because the wine club purchase busted his budget.

Now it’s May and in one month, Leo will FINALLY graduate from college. He even has job offers from two investment banks. One is from Robertson Stevens in San Francisco and the other is with Lehman Brothers in New York. Even though I’d be devastated if he went to New York, I’ve said nothing to persuade his decision one way or the other. If anything, I’m acting more supportive of the New York job just so Taddeo doesn’t think I’m trying to hold him back. He told me he’ll have his choice made by the time we go to Mexico, a trip we have planned the day after he graduates.

The last time I saw Courtney, Kelly, and Nicole was at my cottage in January to celebrate the New Year, and to tell you the truth, it was just plain awkward.

“Wow, so this is the new place, huh? It’s cute but it’s just so… small.  I could
never
live here after living in your house.”

A compliment accompanied by a slam. That’s Kelly for you. Seriously, sometimes I think she’s gonna rip a mask off of her face and it’s really Kurt under there.

“How long do you plan on staying here?”

“Why? You don’t like it?”

“You could be back home if you wanted to.”

“Damn it Kel…”

“Just hear me out. Kurt went out with the guys a few weeks ago, and he told them he wants you back big time. Says he’ll do anything.”

One by one, I look at their dopey grins. They still don’t get it.

“I’d want me back big time too. But it’s not possible because the only time in my life I ever felt like I was good enough to want back was
after
I met Leo, and it was him that made me feel it. I can’t go back to Kurt knowing that.”

The rest of the evening was a struggle for all of us. Nicole tried to express interest in what was going on with Leo, well mostly what was going on
sexually
with Leo. But Courtney and Kelly said they felt weird talking about my “lover” when I still had a husband. I sort of get it but if you can’t talk to your best friends about your “lover” who can you talk to? After that night, it seems like we’ve given up on each other. Aside from a few frivolous emails, I haven’t had meaningful communication with any of them for months.

So to sum up the last four months, everything’s changed and nothing’s changed, and in so many ways, I’m right back where I started. Right now I’m on my way to the house in Danville to pick up some of my mail and let the dog out to pee. Kurt has to work late or play softball, I can’t remember which, but he asked me to help him out, and I want to. After saying hi to a few curious neighbors that I make more curious by not telling them what the hell is going on, I walk around the house that doesn’t feel like mine anymore. The bed’s not made, dishes are piled high in the sink, and the toilet seat is up…in all three bathrooms. I search for clues that another woman’s been here. In March, I cracked into Kurt’s email account, (like a guy moron he didn’t change the password after I moved out), and I read one very flirtatious email from a chick named Kayla. What a stupid name,
Kaaaaaayla
. I checked the date of the email to make sure it was sent after holy fucking shit night when I told Kurt he should see other people too. It was. After I swallowed the bile that crept up my throat, I reminded myself that I didn’t have justification to rip his balls off. He’s just doing what I told him to do. Satisfied that
Kaaaaaayla
hasn’t been in my house, I make my way to the office to pick up some of my mail. “What’s this?” Our wedding album is sitting on the floor and right next to it is a list of songs and a cassette tape. “Kurt and mixed tapes?” That’s a sight I never thought I’d see. I pop the tape in the stereo and the only song on it is ‘Torn’ by Natalie Imbruglia.

“
You couldn’t be that man I adored… you don’t seem to care what your hearts for… I’m all out of faith… illusion never changed into something real
.”

He’s searching for answers, he’s contemplating failure, he’s growing, and I’m moved to tears. I hold the cassette tape to my heart for a minute before I put it in my purse and kiss the dog on the nose, “See you soon, buddy.” I miss my pretty house, and I miss the dream, but I don’t think ten thousand mixed tapes could get me to move back here.

Here’s to the nights we felt alive

Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry

Here’s to goodbye

Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

(Here’s to the Night, eve 6)

Lo Siento

June, 1999

The day has finally arrived: Leo’s college graduation! And in addition to celebrating that gigantic accomplishment, it’s also his twenty-
fourth
birthday. We’re gonna do a lot of celebrating today, and then later tonight when we’re back at my cottage, he’s gonna tell me which job he decided to take. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time! I’m excited that I’m no longer dating a poor rock yard working college guy, but I’m nervous that my new investment banker boyfriend might be going to New York and taking his new money with him. Friggin’ Taddeo’s been putting the pressure on him to take the Lehman Bother’s job and his messages have been ruthless.

“
Dude, you gotta come to New York! You can’t pass up an opportunity to work at the top of the World Trade Center. Are you kidding me
?”

“
Dude, she left you like a million times. It’s your turn now, just see what happens
!”

“
Dude, I just signed a lease on a killer place. You’re gonna live with me and we’re gonna go crazy in this city. Blehhhhh
!”

I also keep telling myself that if he goes, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay.

It’s an exceptionally hot June day, around a hundred and five degrees, and I’m sweating my ass off in the bleachers of the St. Mary’s stadium with Leo’s family. I marvel at how perfectly I fit in with them. They’re dysfunctional as all hell, but they acknowledge it and make fun of themselves. Refreshing! Leo told all of them about my divorce (gulp) and the only thing his mom said to me was, “Hunny, I waited until I was fifty to get a divorce and trust me, sooner rather than later is best.” She’s a real fire cracker. I notice a tattoo on the ankle of one of Leo’s brothers and think back to the night at Buckley’s when he told me how stupid he thought it was. My God, that was a year and a half ago. I’m thrilled that Leo’s family came together on this really hot day to watch him get what he’s worked so hard for and, despite how much he complains about them, I think he is too. For a second, it makes me sad all over again for Kurt that his family missed his college graduation. I remember him sitting amongst the other graduates with his cap and gown and his huge smile, feeling so proud that he was the first ever Gibbons to receive a college diploma. I stood up to wave, and when I got his attention his smile slowly vanished when he realized his family was nowhere around me. I push the sadness out of my mind as quickly as it enters it. He chose not to let it bother him, so I have to stop letting it bother me.

Finally the graduates make their way onto the grassy field, and I immediately notice Leo. He’s a good two inches taller than everyone else. He gazes up into the jam-packed bleachers, and I watch him as he scans each and every row…he’s looking for me. Instead of standing up and yelling his name, I sit and soak up the intensity of his search. After a few minutes of treasuring his determination, I will him to find me and just like the night at Buckley’s, he does. When our eyes meet, we smile at each other and through my tear-stained eyes, I mouth the words, “You did it.”  Through his own, he says, “We did it.”

When Leo left Cal Poly, he took so many huge, scary, and expensive steps backwards to fulfill his dream of becoming an investment banker and the move set him back a good two years. When his friends graduated on time and started making real cash, he was shoveling rocks and dirt into the backs of other people’s trucks, making just enough money to cover the part of his rent and tuition that his grandparents couldn’t.

While Taddeo was feasting on lobster at Tavern on the Green, Leo was surviving on Top Raman. What I think is the most distressing of all of his sacrifices is that he hasn’t bought a single article of clothing in over TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!!! It’s all amazing stuff, but the most amazing thing about the last two years of Leo’s life was that he didn’t complain about it. He once said to me, “If this is the hardest thing I ever have to do, I’m lucky to get it over with when I’m so young.”

Looking at him now, sitting in his seat with his head resting on his hands and his gaze towards the ground, I can only imagine what’s going through his mind. As proud as we all are of him, it can’t come close to how proud he must be of himself for fulfilling a dream. It inspires me to fulfill mine too. I want a fresh start, I want it with Leo, and I want it now! I want it to really mean something when he says the words, “We did it.” Just as Leo’s crossing the stage to receive his diploma, I walk to the back of the stadium, pick up my cell phone and call Kurt. I get his voicemail.

“Kurt, it’s me. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going on vacation and when I get back, I’m filing for divorce. I’m sorry to tell you like this, I just didn’t…I just didn’t…know how else to do it.”

Gazing over at Leo’s sixty-something-year-old mom, I think, if getting a divorce is the hardest thing
I
ever have to do, I’m lucky to get it over with when I’m so young…
and
without kids. I’m ready.

I felt a huge sense of relief after leaving the message, and the rest of the day Leo and I celebrate at the Mexican fiesta his mom throws for him. For once, I feel twenty-nine instead of forty-nine and as we swim, kiss, and drink margarita after margarita, Leo and I talk non-stop about the trip we’re scheduled to depart on the day after tomorrow. It seems like both of our dreams are about to come true, and like a couple of fools in love, we say goodbye to everyone at midnight and giggle our way back to my cottage.

“Baby, I can’t believe I’m finally done with college, I’m with you,
and
I have my dream job ahead of me. This is unbelievable, it’s like I have to pinch myself to make sure it’s all real.”

“You deserve all of it. But here, let me pinch you just so you know for sure!”

I jump on top of him and start kissing him with every ounce of love I have inside of me. It’s ironic that I’m finally on my way to being single and he might leave to take a job in New York. Well, it’s more bullshit than it is ironic really, but I only have myself to blame for New York even being a consideration. It was on our last “break” that Taddeo talked him into applying for a position at Lehman Brothers.

“I’m gonna accept one of the offers before we leave for Mexico on Monday.”

Oh God, here we go.

“Oh, and I have a surprise for you after I tell you which job I picked.”

“
A surprise for me
?”

“Yeah and I’m even more excited about that than my job.”

“So… tell me!”

It wasn’t the phone ringing that alarmed us so much; it was that it was ringing at one in the morning. Being the drunk fool that I am, I answer it. Damn those margarita’s! I totally forgot about the message I left for Kurt hours earlier but the minute I heard his voice, I sure remembered.

“Chrissy, we have to talk. NOW!”

Uh-oh…maybe dropping that bomb on Leo’s big day was a mistake.

“Why would you say all of that,
in a message
?”

Man he sounds bad. But I have to keep this low key or else Leo’s gonna freak.

“Can I call you in the morning?”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?”

Oh crap.

“I’m gonna have to call you back in a minute… uh-huh…I promise, one minute.”

Even though I can tell he already knows the answer, Leo asks anyway.

“Who was that?”

My look confirms his suspicion.

“For some reason that guy doesn’t get it that the two of you are over.”

 I want to tell him there’s a reason Kurt thinks that, but now’s not the time. It’s an important day for him.

“What the hell did he want?”

“I don’t know, but I have to call him back.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No. I’m sorry, Leo. He’s really upset about something and I can’t just blow him off.”

“But you can blow me off?”

“I’m not blowing you off! I’m
here
with you, we’re
going
to Mexico the day after tomorrow, I want
to be
with you…forever.”

“If you want to be with me forever, you better not call him back.”

I’m flattered by his jealousy and shocked by his threat all at the same time. If I hadn’t just told Kurt I want a divorce, I’d be leaning more toward the flattery side, pounce on him, and have massive sex, but Kurt may just get in his car and drive over here if I don’t call him back. I’m gonna have to react according to what’s gonna get me on the phone as quickly as possible in order to avoid a face-to-face meeting between these two guys. Queue shocked.