The Life List (The List Trilogy) (38 page)

So right next to the FAT girls is a shuffle board and pool table and they’re beat up as all hell. And in the back of the room, is an antiquated juke-box that’s fiercely trying to compete with the FAT girls by blaring
Sweet Child O-Mine
. I grab Slutty Co-workers hand to pull her to the bar, and when we turn toward it we’re instantly eye-fucked by a dozen or so manual laborers. Every single one of ‘em is filthy dirty and looking at Slutty Co-worker and me like they wanna jackhammer us. We’re clearly fish out of water at this dive and as bad as I want to be here, I want to leave even more.

“You know what? This is stupid. Let’s get outta here.”

“Thank God.  Something tells me they don’t have chardonnay here. Good bye Round Up,
hellooooo
Maui!”

I turn to make a run for it but as fate, or my grandpa, would have it, I notice Leo sitting at a table drinking beers with his buddies. He can’t see me, so I know I can leave without him noticing but…OH MY GOD there are girls at the table! There’s NO WAY I’m going home with that vision.

“Shit! Grab a seat at the end of the bar and pretend like we don’t know he’s here.”

“Fine.”

“I want my back to him so you take the seat facing his direction.”

“Fine.”

“And can you please act like you’re having fun?”

“No.”

“Hi, ladies, what can I get you to drink?”

Before I have a chance to answer the bartender, Slutty Co-worker sits up and barks, “We’ll have a couple of Jack and Cokes and it’s on the guys sitting at the table over there.”

“
What
? Noooooooooooooooo!”

But it was too late. Before I could articulate my mortification and recall the order, bartender’s half-way to Leo’s table to confirm everything.

“WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?”

“Cause I’m pissed about Maui. Plus, I showed that little Korean guy a good time last January. Least he could do is buy me a drink.”

“Holy shit, are they looking?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What’s Leo doing? For fucksake stop waving!”

“He’s staring at your back…Okay, now it looks like he’s trying to make sense of this…ahhh, yep…he gets it. He’s walking over here.  Damn girl, he looks
gooooooooood
.”

“I’m so gonna kill you.”

“Hiya, Leo, long time no see. Is that my little Ho-Bag over there? I think I’ll go say hi. I miss that little fucker.”

Without taking his eyes off of mine, Leo slides onto Slutty’s vacant barstool. He’s wearing a black baseball hat backwards, and it’s just about the sexist damn thing I’ve ever seen. Really, when worn correctly, a backwards baseball hat can win over just about any girl. It can’t be one of those white trash sideways crooked looks, and it can’t be combined with a do-rag like the ghetto boys kid themselves into thinking looks good. It’s gotta look just like he has it.

“What are you doing here?”

“I live here now.”

“You live
here
?”

“Well no, not here at The Round Up. I moved into a cottage up the street.”

“
By yourself
?”

“By myself.”

I can see his mind racing.

“I’m so sorry about what happened in August. I came by your apartment to ex…”

“I know, I saw the note.”

“You didn’t call me.”

“I was done getting hurt.”

It was almost a year ago that I met this guy and realized that nothing in the world feels better than the tell-it-like-it-is vulnerable love he showed me. Maybe I’ve been using the whole ‘he deserves better than a chick who lied to him’ thing as an excuse. Maybe I’m the one who’s too scared to take a chance on a guy who’s so much younger than I am. Maybe Dr. Maria’s right and I care too much about what other people think. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll be laughed at. I mean seriously, divorce
and
a twenty-three-year old… at the same time?! I’d be taking bullets left and right. But maybe it’s not any of that. Maybe I’m afraid
he’ll
hurt me like I’ve hurt him. Good Lord, for someone who says she wants vulnerable love, I sure do a good job of talking myself out of it. But you heard him, he said he’s done! I’d be stupid to be vulnerable now. Must keep this casual.

“You look good, Leo. You doing good?”

“Yeah.”

That’s it?

“Yep, good here too. Just letting off a little steam after a crazy day at work.” Was that too blasé? I certainly don’t want to scare him away.

“I’ll let you get back to your drink, then. Hope you like it. I think it’s on me.”

Crap, I scared him away! With each inhale and exhale I go from a bulging B cup to what’s gotta look like a double D cup. That’s how fast my heart is beating. That’s how badly I want him.

“Good seeing you, Leo.”

I’m changing my life to make room for you, Leo. I want to have a million babies with you, Leo. I’ll love you forever, Leo. Sigh. Good-bye, Leo.

He’s about five steps away and then he turns and says, “Hey, remember at The Red Devil Lounge when I told you I didn’t like the thought of you in a place like that?”

“Yeah?”

“Well I don’t like the thought of you in a place like this either.”

If he only knew it was him that I was following into places like this…

“Look at these people, you don’t belong here. Jesus, hold on. Hey Bruno! Quit fucking staring at her like that!”

Not quite the romantic exchange I was hoping for, but it’ll do. Sure sounded kind of vulnerable. Maybe I should reciprocate. Just be careful, Chrissy, take it slow.

“Let’s go back to my place then.”

Who am I, the Mario Andretti of hooking up?

He stares at me for like ten seconds, and I can tell that he too is contemplating the vulnerability factor. I finally get the sensation of time standing still and it’s horrible. So horrible that I wish I could rescind the offer. If he says “No thank you,” it’s over…done. He will, without a doubt, have put me behind. And it looks like that’s the response I’m gonna get when he takes a few serious steps toward me. But he says nothing. He just grabs my hand and leads me to the door.

I glance over my right shoulder and hear The Ho-Bag say to Slutty Co-worker, “Looks like it’s just you and me again, baby”.

Leo’s quiet on the short drive to my apartment, and I’m scared he’s gonna have second thoughts about coming with me, or worse, he’s waiting to be alone to tell me what a shitty person I am. I’ve been doing so well with my quest for true happiness with the yoga and the walking and with the renting of the cottage and the going on dates with rich tattooed guys. I’m making smart choices for once. Is bringing Leo to my cottage like throwing my life in reverse? Will more shittyness come as a result of bringing him here?

Ten minutes later, as I unlock the door to my cottage, he’s still by my side…and quiet. I can smell his skin and I can feel the drug enter my body. Nothing shitty about that.

“I’ll get the lights.”

“Leave them off.”

Whenever we were together before, I felt like I was the one in control. But not right now, right now I’m totally at his mercy.

“Wine?”

“Sure.”

Assisted by only the street-lights shining outside, I’m making my way to the drawer that contains the bottle opener when he walks up behind me and starts to kiss my neck. Too weak to hold up my head, it falls back in little semi-circles. After a minute, or maybe an hour, he turns me around to face him. We’re inches apart, searching for answers in each other’s eyes.

“Don’t you want to talk about what happened in August?”

“I thought I did. Actually I wanted to yell at you for what happened in August. But in five minutes you could be gone again. I’m not sure that would be spending my time wisely.”

“I don’t wanna be gone, Leo.”

“Could’a fooled me.”

Like a shamed child, I tilt my chin to the floor, and in barely a whisper, I say “I have something to tell you.”

It’s time.

“No. Let me decide how to spend the five minutes.”

Maybe it’s not the time.

 “Unbutton your shirt.”

Definitely not the time.

“Now take off your jeans.”

Without leaving his eyes, I do what I’m told.

“Now put your shoes back on.”

The guy could ask me to kill someone and I would. As I slip my heels back on, he steps closer to me and whispers, “I miss you so much,” and then slides my blouse off of my shoulders. He leans into me like he’s gonna kiss me, but instead he tells me to turn back around. I do. He gently moves my legs apart with his feet and places both of my hands on the wall. I can barely hold my legs up as he caresses my body from underneath my breasts down to my inner thighs and then back up again. Thank God for all of that yoga. He kisses my neck as his index fingers toy with the waistband on my panties. He glides his hands over to my stomach, back down to my inner thighs and then back up my belly to my breasts, where they settle as he leans his body against mine and holds me. His breath is powerful, mine is nowhere to be found. He finally unhooks my bra, and I drop my hands down to let it fall to the floor. He places them back where he wants them. I want to kiss him so badly but when I try to turn around he says, “No, not yet.”  He backs away and I can hear the sound of his clothes coming off. A moment later, I feel his body warm against mine. With my head resting against the wall I bend slightly over and he takes my move for what it is, an invitation. After a few minutes of euphoria, he spins me around, picks me up and places me on the kitchen counter-top. I grab his hair with my hands, wrap my legs around him and admit to myself that the balance of power between us has shifted. And then there’s a knock at the door.

Holy F***ing Shit!

December, 1998

“Chrissy, you in there?”

The pounding on my front door jolts me off of the counter-top.

“Oh my God!” Wide-eyed and in total shock, I grab Leo’s shoulders in a failed attempt to keep him from freaking out.

“Who the fuck is that?”

“Okay, Leo…you need to stay calm.”

“No I don’t.”

“No, you do. Promise me you’ll stay calm.” It’s useless. He’s a deranged lunatic.

“
Tell me who it is, Chrissy
.”

The knocking is so hard, the walls are vibrating.

“Chrissy, I see your car, and I can hear you in there. Open the door!”

Holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit! I frantically scoop up my clothes and scramble to come up with an explanation for who’s at the door, but it’s pointless, there’s no way outta this. I grab Leo’s arms as if I can actually prevent him from doing anything, and then I drop the bomb on him.

“It’s Kurt. But wait! I can explain everything. Please, I’m begging you to stay calm.”

“I’m gonna kill this guy! You’re back in my life for like thirty seconds and SURPRISE, so is he! What the hell?”

As I reach down to pick up one last article of clothing, Leo bolts for the door. I grab his leg, because frankly there isn’t much more to grab onto. The dude’s naked.

“No, you’re not gonna kill anyone! Please Leo, he’s not who you think he is! Please, please, please just go in my room, and I’ll be there in a minute to explain.”

Reluctantly he picks his pants up off the floor. “If you’re not in to get me in five minutes, I’m gonna fucking freak out.”

Once I’m sure he’s tucked away in my room, I grab my robe, take a deep breath and open the door.

“What’s going on, Kurt, it’s ten-thirty?”

I sound like I’m tired and mad, but the truth is, I’m not really sure what to feel about him being here. It’s the first time since I moved out that he’s made the effort to show up.

“Look, you made your point, and I get it. I’ll go to therapy…just come home.”

Kurt’s not a drinker, but I can tell he’s had a few tonight. “It’s not a good time right now, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Let me come in and talk to you.”

He’s not budging. I’m gonna have to tell him something so atrocious that he’ll want to get as far away from me as possible. And I have to do it quickly because the clock’s ticking on Leo’s patience. This isn’t what I had planned… but I have to do it, AND NOW!

“I’m seeing someone else, Kurt.”

Holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit! It’s out! The line has officially been crossed. I never thought about what this moment would feel like because, ever since I met Leo I planned for him to stay on the side of the line that remained a secret. I thought that somehow I could lock him up in my heart long enough to avoid the horror of this moment. I wanted to divorce Kurt for all of the reasons I told him I wasn’t happy, because, after all,
those are the real reasons
. I never wanted him to have my unfaithfulness to blame things on. But now, there’s no erasing the impurity I just admittedly scribbled onto what was once an enviable relationship, and surely it will go down as the reason Kurt and Chrissy didn’t work out.

“
What are you talking about
?”

He’s running his fingers through his hair and pacing back and forth on my small porch. Couple it with Leo’s pacing in the room behind me and it feels like I’m surrounded by a pack of angry wolves.

“And, I think you should see other people, too.”

Of course, I don’t want him to. I want him to sulk about me the rest of his life, but I have to be realistic.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to us!”

And that’s how this marriage will go down. We’re irrevocably shattered, and it will always be because of what
I did to us
. Everyone will say we could’ve solved our problems if
I didn’t
decide to see other people. No matter how much I try to justify my actions, there’s no fixing adultery, and that’s what will always make me the bad guy. It’s time I accept my fate.

“I’m sorry for my part of our situation.”

“
Your part
?!
You’re part
is the situation! I didn’t tell you to go to therapy. I didn’t tell you to move out. I didn’t tell you to date other people. You did all of that stuff on your own. You made this marriage what it is. Fuck, what is it, anyway?”