The Life List (The List Trilogy) (17 page)

“Here’s the money. I’m sorry I couldn’t get more than $300. I feel terrible about all of this.”

My trembling hands carefully take the money. I’m glad this is almost over with because the last five days have been torture. I wanted to talk about every single aspect of the pregnancy since I found out about it. Kurt’s been totally incapable of talking about any of it.

I asked him to go to the library with me to get more information about abortions and the stages of pregnancy. He told me that I was only making things harder on myself. I wanted to talk about what it might be like if we did have it. Would it be a boy or a girl? What would we name it? I wondered out loud about what the abortion would feel like. Would I see the baby afterwards? Would they be able to determine the sex? The more I pressed on, the angrier he got with me. I know I was clear from the start that I didn’t want to keep the baby, but that didn’t mean I was numb to the fact that I was getting rid of it. I know Kurt holds himself to a higher standard than to do something like this. But so do I, and if he has any heart at all he’ll put his frustrations aside to support me and that’s my hope for after this thing is over.

“Do you want me to go with you, you know…inside?”

To say yes means I’m asking him to do something that he clearly doesn’t feel comfortable doing. I feel so let down, and I can hardly look at him. I’m quivering with emotions that I’m too young to describe. I want my mom. Sure she would make me feel like I ruined her life, but she wouldn’t let me walk into that scary place by myself and when it was all over, she would feed me soup and put warm washcloths on my forehead.

Tears are streaming down my face, and in my mind I’m pleading for him to insist that he comes with me.

“I think I’ll be okay.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

I wonder if he can hear our two little hearts breaking.

“I’m not sure how long this will take. They said it could be as long as five or six hours depending on how many other girls need one today.”

Please see how scared I am and come inside with me. Please want to protect me from the scary people who are yelling obscenities and carrying picket signs with pictures of shredded up fetuses on them.

“It’s not too late to change your mind. We can keep it.”

“No. I can’t.”

I take a deep breath and step out of the car to go do what I think I’m supposed to. The second my feet hit the ground, I’m swooped up by two men. I hope to God they’re not some crazy Pro Life freaks trying to kidnap me to make me have my baby in some abandoned warehouse or something.

“It’s okay, kiddo, we’re here to get you safely inside. Just keep your head down and walk fast.”

Yep, that’s me. The kidd-o-with the baby-o-in her stomach-o-. I turn back to glance at Kurt, but before I’m able to zoom in on him, the bodyguards open the door, shove me inside, and then slam it to go out and protect the next irresponsible slut. I look up and I’m shocked to see about fifteen other women crammed in the tiny overheated waiting room. I’m younger than all of them by at least five years and the ones I have eye contact with give me half smiles and nods of support that say, “It’ll be okay, honey.” I was hot in Kurt’s car, but I’m really hot now, and I’m sweating buckets through every single pore on my body. I’m also starving to death because I was instructed not to eat, which is odd since I’m not getting any FUCKING anesthetic. This place is underground seedy gross and it smells like burnt rubber and sweat. What’s that noise? Sounds like a vacuum cleaner. Oh my God, that’s not a vacuum cleaner…it’s the killing machine! On, off, on, off, on, off. Jesus, how many girls are back there? Oh my gosh, I have to sit down. Can’t see so well. What’s
that
sound? BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Is it…my heart? Oh God, what if it’s the baby’s heart! I can’t see. I close my eyes tightly and I
see
the sound. Swirling around in my mind is one of those scary toy monkeys banging its symbols together. It’s laughing at me. It’s getting louder! I’m so thirsty. Need water NOW. I reach out to the person in front of me and try as hard as I can to focus, but all I see and hear is the evil monkey.

“Sweetie, are you okay?”

“I can’t…can’t stand.”

“What’s that? I can barely hear you.”

I extend my hand out to the lady for support but before it reaches her, my knees crumble and the entire room turns into the color of a bruise. The only things I’m aware of are the evil monkey and the enormous fart exploding out of my body. My last conscious thought before I hit the floor is, could my life possibly get any worse?

“Well hi there, Minnie. We we’re worried about you there for a minute. Here, drink some of this water.”

I take little sips and stare at her from above the lip of the cup.
Minnie
?

“What happened to me?”

“You fainted. Don’t worry, you’re not the first. They keep that waiting room so darn hot! Now, let’s sit you up and start filling out some paperwork.” She points to my Disneyland sweatshirt and says, “Can’t keep calling you Minnie forever.”

 I like her.

The rest of the day is a nightmare I don’t wish on any girl, woman, slut, whore, whoever. I’m shoved into a room with three pieces of white trash who are way too proud of their gang affiliation. We’re expected to watch hours of videos of our options: keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption, or abort the baby. But truthfully it’s hard to focus with all their gang talk, looks of intimidation, and fake farting noises. It doesn’t matter though. I know my only choice is to have an abortion and that’s exactly what I tell the head of the baby-killing department at my last pit stop before finally being guided to the room where they do the procedure. It’s a horrible room, and it makes me sad…like Anne Frank sad. The walls are grey and artless; the air is stale and smells like death. I’m tired, I’m hungry, and even though I just want to get this over with and forget it ever happened, I don’t feel like it’s fair to the thing growing inside of me to do that.

I have to find a price to pay for my irresponsibility
. As I walk to the exam table, I notice a pale blue dish-washing bucket strategically placed underneath. Great, my baby will end up in a bucket. Is that sanitary? As instructed, I take off my clothes and slip into the paper gown to wait for the murderers. It makes me scared…Anne Frank scared. Should I run? If I do, will we stand a chance of surviving?
Did I just say we
? Am I considering its feelings? I can hear the murderers marching down the hall and panic attacks me…Anne Frank panic. Without even a courtesy knock, they barge through the bookshelf, I mean door, and without introduction they instruct me to lie down. How can all these people allow this to happen? Oh Anne, is that what you thought too? Jesus, they’re about to stop a heartbeat! But wait… I’m the one who gave them the command! Who am I, Anne or Hitler?! Am I good or evil!? Is this the thing that forevermore makes me one or the other? The gravity of the situation didn’t hit me until this very moment. Seriously, no video outlining my options could prepare me for how morbid this is. If they wanted me to
really
consider my options, they should’ve made me watch a video of an actual abortion, given me a tour of this very room, and then made me sit alone in it with the bucket and my Anne Frank thoughts. Oh God, I’m torn between wanting them to save the baby’s life and making it easier for me to go back to mine. My eyes are darting around the room pleading for someone to question my choice just one more time. Somebody give me an honorable command! PLEASE! Where’s my nice nurse? I need my nice nurse!

The only guy in the room flicks on a machine and
commands
me to lie still. No honor there. He pries my legs apart and instructs me that his job will be a lot easier if I just relax.
Relax
? The fucker’s shoving a hoover vacuum cleaner inside of me and he wants me to relax?! I’M ONLY SEVENTEEN, AND I HAVEN’T BEEN SEDATED!

“Young lady, you’re going to have to lie still so I can finish.”

“I don’t think I…wait, it started? I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!”

“Nurse, get a handle on this girl! We can’t stop now.”

“Minnie, I need to you relax, sweetheart. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but right now the worst thing you can do is tense up. Look at me sweetie. Look in my eyes. We’re almost done. A few more minutes and we’re done.  Shhhhhh, it’s gonna be fine. Shhhhhhhh. There we go, Minnie, it’s over.”

Nice as my nurse was, she had to run off and kill another baby, so she left me alone on the table, naked from the waist down, bleeding, and terrified to move. I just killed the first thing I’ve ever known to have died. The persecuted side of me wants to burst into tears but the executioner side of me says I have no right to be melodramatic, so I lay traumatized on the cold table until the person pounding on the other side of the door tells me my time is up. Next to me, I find a pad as big as a queen size mattress. I scoot off the table and with trembling hands remove the adhesive tape and put it on my underwear. As I bend down to pull it up from my ankles, I see the bucket. My price to pay. Looking at the carnage of my irresponsibility, I know I’ll carry the pain of my poor choice around with me the rest of my life.

*****

“I’m so sorry Chrissy.”

“Nothing for you to be sorry for, Courtney. I’m the stupid idiot.”

 “I still can’t believe you didn’t let Nicole and me in on this. We would’ve wanted to help you through it, too.”

“Well, no offense to Kelly, but it’s not like she helped me through anything. In fact, this is the first time she’s ever heard me talk about it.”

“I didn’t know you needed to.”

“I did. But I really needed to talk about it with Kurt and he wanted nothing to do with the subject, so I let it go.”

“Are you angry?”

 “Of course I am.”

“Who are you angry at though, yourself or him?”

“I’m trying to figure that out, Court.” Finally chuckling a little, I ask, “Do you guys realize you probably know Kurt just as well as I do?”

They’re looking at me like I’m nuts.

“Seriously. There’s no behind closed doors Kurt and Chrissy. What you see is what you get and it’s not enough anymore. I want a deeper connection to the man I’m married to. I’m gonna try to get it by taking him to my therapist, but deep down, I think it’s pointless.”

“You have to try.”

“For how long, Kelly? How long am I supposed to feel ignored?  What if Craig blew off your pain, told you to quit bringing up stuff that bothered you?”

“He wouldn’t.”

“Exactly. And I want my happiness, my sadness, my joy, my pain to be the most important things in the world to Kurt, just like yours is to Craig. I want to dream out loud with him without it turning into an argument. I want to show up to weddings, parties, and funerals
with
him instead of alone.”

“
Hey, that’s right
! That bastard didn’t go to my wedding did he?! He was at some bullshit tradeshow!”

“No, Nicole, he was surfing.”

“Then why did you… “

“Because it’s Goddamn humiliating, that’s why!”

Courtney moves towards me and places a drink in my hand as if she’s giving me pain medication. It’s cute until she says something logical.

“Just keep your expectations of therapy and marriage realistic, Chrissy. Life’s not supposed to be a fairytale all the time.”

Oh yeah? Well mine is.

Surrender

April, 1998

Leaving the restaurant, I feel proud of my peculiarly productive day. I told Kurt about my therapy, and I finally told my friends how shitty my marriage is. That’s what I call progress! My growth even makes running into Leo’s trampy little friend, Megan, seem less daunting. Man, it’s nice to have a little conviction, a little power, back in my life. I used to have so much conviction when I was younger. In fact, if there was a ‘Most Likely To Exhibit Conviction’ award in high school, I would’ve won it hands down. Whether I was convincing my friends to cut class or sneak into an R-rated movie, nobody did anything with as much fervor as I did. But gradually I let Kurt suck all the conviction outta me and somewhere along the line, I got soft. I didn’t start getting hard again until about three weeks after I met Leo.

I remember I was running late for my morning meeting at work, and I was stuck in a long line at Starbucks. In a move never before attempted by me, I made eye contact with the guy at the front of the line, tapped my watch and bestowed upon him the cutest smile imaginable. I was thinking, what the hell are you doing, Chrissy? But something in me said, just try it, everyone else does. He motioned for me to walk up to him, asked me what I wanted and…not only did I get my latte lickity split, the dude paid for it! I left feeling like the guy got the satisfaction of helping a pretty girl in distress and I got my coffee in a hurry. Not a bad way for either of us to start our day! I immediately took my win-win act on tour. Later that day, I got my toll paid for on the bridge. The following week, I was let out of a speeding ticket and a week after that I got my dinner paid for by a bunch of Japanese business-men. None of it cost me more than a smile or a “Hi how are ya.”  Overnight my new motto became-

Take everything that’s offered to you but NEVER accept stuff that makes you feel like a cheap slut
.

I cringe thinking back at how much time and money I could’ve saved if I had lived by that motto sooner. FINALLY, at the age of twenty-eight, I’m starting to figure out how to get my needs met and it’s empowering. Today was the start of being true to the people I love in the hopes of getting what I need. It’s up to them to decide if they like it or not.

I feel way too good to go home to potentially feel bad again, so I hop in my car, open up the sun roof, blast the radio, and set out on a drive that peculiarly leads me back to the bar where I met Leo. Once there, I settle into the familiar parking space where he and I spent all of those glorious hours talking on that rainy January night, and I watch as carefree boys and girls go in and out of the place that changed my life. Whenever the door opens, I catch a glimpse of the barstools Leo and I sat on and I envision the two of us on them again. Conviction tells me to make this the first day of the rest of my life and go inside for a celebratory drink to the new and improved Chrissy.