The Life List (The List Trilogy) (12 page)

“How long did their envy sustain your happiness?”

“Until our first dance.”

“Wow, that soon huh?”

“I kept waiting for those special words a new husband is supposed to whisper in his new bride’s ear. I kept trying to get him to look deep into my eyes and create some kind of magical unspoken happiness between us. But it just felt like any other dance we had danced in the past. I started crying and the crowd ohhhhh’d and awwww’d at what they thought were tears of joy. It only made me cry more.”

“What was going through your mind?”

“That a handsome husband, a big diamond ring, and a fifty thousand dollar wedding can make you look special, but they can’t make you feel special. The more I swayed from side to side, the more lost I felt, and it’s like I never stopped swaying. I don’t like the woman Kurt fell in love with. She’s not the woman I was meant to be, she’s not the wife I dreamed of being, and she’s certainly not going to be the kind of mother I have to be.”

“Do you still do the kinds of activities Kurt wants you to do?”

“Not really. Last year I decided I had enough and I put my foot down on all the extreme sports he guilted me into doing. I started watching more TV, drinking more wine, eating Lucky Charms for dinner, working longer hours at the office. All of it has made him incredibly angry, and we fight more. But instead of going back to how he wants me to be in order to stop the fighting, I’ve just shut down. Now I think I’m too lost to try and find my way back to who I’m even supposed to be.”

She lets it remain quiet again.

“You know what hurts the most?”

“What, hun?”

“That I have so much love to give to both Kurt and my mom, but I’m cut off from giving it because they’re incapable of receiving it. It’s painful to hug…
really
hug someone and not feel them reciprocate. It’s painful to say
I love you
and get a ‘love ya too’ in return. Over time, you just stop giving up those parts of yourself because it’s not appreciated. I pay a heartbreaking price for my mom’s limitations every time I see her, and I’ll continue to do it because she’s my mom. But am I supposed to pay that kind of price in my marriage? Am I supposed to be cut off from giving my husband the kind of affection that comes natural to me?”

“Absolutely not, and my hope is that Kurt learns to be receptive to your offerings, but without having met him, it’s tough for me to know if he’s capable. It’s very important for you to realize that all individuals own the responsibility of whether or not they want to change. Your responsibility is to be honest and consistent in what you need. The rest is up to him. Remember, a person who tries to change another human being is a person fighting a losing battle- a person who’s wasting precious time and energy. And know this too: even if he is receptive to your needs, there are certain behaviors in him that you will just have to accept. Once we know what you
have to
accept, you can work on being healthy, as opposed to resentful, with your decision to be with him. I’d like to see you alone again next week, but why don’t you talk to Kurt about coming to therapy with you the week after next?”

“I think that’s a good idea.”

Just as I’m getting ready to leave the appointment, I turn back to Dr. Maria who’s primping the pillows for the next nut job.

“Dr. Maria?”

“Yes, dear?”

“I understand when you’re married you’re supposed to forsake all others and I know I broke that vow. But if I understand the meaning behind today’s session, didn’t I break something even bigger years earlier when I decided to forsake myself? Isn’t that what’s gotten me into this mess today?”

“Yes, Chrissy. I believe that to be true.”

After leaving therapy, I sit in my car with the seat reclined and stare at the stars through my sun-roof and think. I’ve been fighting for Kurt to love me a certain way since the day we met and I’m tired now. What remains is a choice. Stay and accept the emotional limits of our relationship or leave in search of some kind of love that may or may not exist. I’m glad he’s on a two-day back-packing trip, because I don’t have the heart to look at him right now. Jesus, he doesn’t even know I’m seeing a therapist. He’s really gonna hate the thought of that. But not as much as he’s gonna hate the suggestion that he see her too. I stop at the Liquor Store to grab a bottle of wine before heading home. I feel like I could drink a couple of bottles, but Kurt doesn’t like it when I drink during the week. He’s concerned it will dehydrate me and cause me to have less energy. It’s just another one of those things I thought was sweet when we first met. Now it annoys the hell out me. As I’m mulling over the Cabernets, I wonder
why didn’t I tell my girlfriends about my problems with Kurt
? Why the hell is it so important to me that they think I have it all together? Stupid therapy! It’s making me question way more than I ever intended. Fuck it, I grab two bottles of wine and a six pack of beer and head home.

Please let me forget all those sweet smiles

all of the passion all of the heat, the peace, the pain

all those blue skies where your words were my freedom

Please, don’t let me fall in love with you again

(
Don’t, Jewel)

Leery

February, 1998

Until I see Dr. Maria again, the plan is to immerse myself in work. At work I don’t lie, cheat, or break hearts. I’m safe there. And it’s just another day in my safety net as I drive back to my office. I just left a lovely ass-ripping meeting with a slimy San Francisco fabric vendor, and thinking about that jerk makes me so completely angry that I turn on the radio to redirect my thoughts. That’s when my safety net breaks. On the radio is none other than Dave Matthew’s
Crash Into Me
. Morsels of the night I met Leo begin to flash through my mind…naughty, naughty morsels. It makes me want him real bad. Then again, this song makes me want to hump a tree. Damn it, Dave!

As if I’m on auto-pilot, I skip the exit to my office and drive towards Moraga, home to Leo’s college and his apartment. I promised Dr. Maria I would stay away, but I also promised my husband a lifetime of love and fidelity and look how that turned out. Obviously my word means nothing.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m roaming the streets of Moraga looking for I have absolutely no idea what. To be quite honest, I don’t exactly remember what Leo looks like. Sure, there’s the eyes, the hands, the voice…I can see and hear stuff in pieces but his entire life form is a total blur to me and it’s weird because we spent eight hours together in my car. Maybe I’m suffering from the same shock as a witness to a horrific crime. It all happened right in front of my face, but it was so scandalous, so unimaginable that I can’t put it all together in my head.

Ten minutes into my search for bits and pieces of Leo’s body parts in a town that I’m unfamiliar with, I decide to end the fruitless search and head back to my office.
But of course
, I make a wrong turn and my car spills out onto Mt. Diablo Boulevard…right in front of the Lafayette Reservoir.

Leo told me about this place the night we met, and it’s even more beautiful than I imagined. How have I lived twenty minutes from here and never known about it?! Maybe I can call him real quick, just to tell him I finally saw the reservoir. It would be nice if I forgot his phone number so that I could stay on course with what I promised Dr. Maria, but since I made it my fucking computer password, all hope of that is gone. I swear I’m my own worst enemy. I think I’m gonna call. No I’m not! Yes I am! Ohhhh I hate myself so much right now! I’m sure he won’t be home though, its late afternoon on a Thursday; he’s gotta be busy… and he is. There’s no answer and, thank God, because I should NOT be doing this. I throw the car into reverse and slowly make my way to the exit of the overpriced parking lot. What was I thinking paying $5.00 for an all-day space? Was I hoping for some kind of Saturday night slut fest repeat? Kinda. And with that admission, I tip the scale of total unbalance and start to laugh and cry at the same time. Good Lord, I’m like Diane Lane in any one of the million cheating wife movies she stars in that can be seen seven days a week on the Lifetime channel.

An emergency work call from Slutty Co-worker pulls me back into my safety net, and by the end of the conversation I’m ready to leave the reservoir nonsense behind. As I’m touching up my lipstick in preparation to go back to the office, I notice a tall guy get out of a dingy red jeep. The kind of jeep you see in cool beer commercials with people driving around in bikini’s and stuff. It’s definitely not one of those perfectly cared for jeeps that gets washed and waxed every week. This one’s used, dirty, and sexy as all hell. I squint my eyes to get a better look at the guy who’s dropping a few quarters in the meter and my focus zooms in on his perfect hands. Could that be…
is that
…it can’t be him! He did mention he likes to come here to be alone with his thoughts, and that
does
look like the jacket he wore the other night, but it doesn’t make any sense that it would be him. Then again, it makes all the sense in the world that it would be.

I back up, park, and watch the guy as he walks to a bench on the edge of the reservoir. He sits, rests his elbows on his knees, leans his chin into his fists and stares at the water.
Is that him
? The bits and pieces look right, but it’s so hard to tell. Maybe I should go look. Nah, whoever he is, he’s come here to think and I should leave him alone. I’m outta here. WAIT, no I’m not! Okay, wait a fucking minute, Chrissy! You made the ridiculous attempt to call him, so why not make one more final effort to see if the guy on the bench is Leo. I get out of my car and slowly walk up behind the man. Even though I know he can hear the crunch of the rocks under my boots, he doesn’t turn my way. It reminds me of the night I met Leo when no matter what, I couldn’t get him to look at me.

“Leo?”

His head slowly lifts up, but instead of turning my way, it tilts slightly to the left and faintly shakes from side to side in a “this cannot be happening” kind of way. I’m about ten feet away when I notice the familiar grey shirt peeking out from under the very familiar green jacket. I recognize the shiny black hair and I smell the smell that’s still hiding in my closet at home.

“Oh my God, it is you.”

He turns around, and his green eyes pierce right through me. Wow, he looks
much
older than twenty-two. He has the blackest of black eyebrows that make his eyes pop out at you like dart boards. He has stubble on his chin, but not the overly groomed kind, the kind that doesn’t give a fuck. In fact, everything about him screams, “I don’t give a fuck.” He walks towards my stiff as a board body which feels cemented to the ground. My heart is pounding, and I hear loud swishing sounds in my ears. I feel like I could faint, but I remember what happened the last time I fainted, and I’ll do whatever I can not to repeat that humiliation.

He puts his hands in his jacket pockets as he approaches me. He’s leery of me. He should be.

“I had a feeling you’d show up here eventually.”

“You actually come here and wait for me?”

“No, not like a freak or something. I do have a job and school- I’m busy. But, I don’t have your number or your address. Shit, I don’t even know your last name.”

And there’s a mighty good reason why.

“So in between work and school I hang out here sometimes and hope you might show up before it’s too late.”

“Too late for what?”

 He lowers his eyes at me in a “don’t make me fucking say it” kind of way, and then it hits me. He’s talking about my imaginary wedding.

“It’s Anderson.”

“What is?”

“My last name.”

Well, my maiden name anyway, but at least it’s some kind of truth.

I invite him back to my car, and as the rain pours down, we spend the next three hours talking. Our conversation picks up right where it left off early that Sunday morning, just before he kissed me. He talks about college, and I talk about my career. I’m fascinated that’s he’s gonna achieve great things, and he’s fascinated that I already have. Things are feeling as magical as the night I met him, and just as he’s leaning in to get a better look at my necklace and
I think
kiss me, the park ranger bangs on my window and notifies us that the reservoir is closing. We have to vacate the premises immediately or be locked in all night. Not a bad thought, but definitely a bad idea.

“I’d offer to buy you dinner, but you know my situation…my
temporary
situation.”

Man, we’re at such different stages of our lives.

“I’ll buy.”

Over sushi and several sakes, Leo describes his life to me. He was adopted when he was one day old from Eureka, and all he knows is that he’s part German, Irish and Native American. He has two older brothers who were also adopted; none of them are biologically related and he has nothing in common with either of them. His parents divorced when he was sixteen, and after they sent his two brothers to college, he was told there was no money left to send him. As if that wasn’t hard enough to deal with, the home he had lived in his entire life was facing foreclosure.

He never felt like he fit in with his family and describes his relationship with his best friend, Taddeo, as his only real close one. After high school, he went to Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo and majored in Construction Management. Not his first choice as a college or a major but he thought his Dad would pony up some of the tuition if he followed in his footprints. Sadly, his Dad never stepped up, and survival soon became a problem, so he left to be closer to his grandparents who offered to help him with half of his tuition at the college he always wanted to attend, St. Mary’s College in Moraga. He moved to Moraga but went to a junior college for a year before attending St. Mary’s so he could work full time and stock pile some money. He’s been at St. Mary’s for five months now.

He works part time in a rock yard to finance his rent and the other half of his tuition that his grandparents aren’t covering. He’s doing everything he possibly can to finish school quickly so he can pursue a career as an investment banker, which by the way, his brothers think is a silly pipe dream. They call him a Gordon Gecko wanna-be. What a bunch of assholes.