The Life List (The List Trilogy) (8 page)

“Robert Kincaid.”

Yep, she saw the movie.

“Right! Remember that scene when Robert was waiting for Francesca in his beat up old truck at the stop light, and she was in the car behind him with her husband sitting in the driver’s seat?”

“Oh I remember. It was pretty heavy.”

“Beyond heavy. Robert was giving her one last chance to run away with him, and she sat there totally agonizing over the choice…I agonized with her. I mean, he was the love she’d been waiting for her whole life! I thought…she has to go! But she didn’t. The obligation to her husband and kids was greater than the one she had to herself, so after the light turned green, she watched her love drive away forever. I felt like letting him go was more shameful than her affair. Should I be embarrassed for admitting that?”

“Do you think Francesca knew something was missing from her life before she met Robert?”

She ignored my question. Rude!

“I don’t think so. I think she was busy living the life she chose. I don’t think she knew what was missing until it smacked her in the face.”

“Was this Leo guy your smack in the face?”

Afraid of my answer I turn my focus to the ugly picture hanging on her wall, hoping she’ll move on to something else.

“Chrissy, do you think Leo is making you second guess the life you chose?”

I guess you get what you pay for around here.

“Not at all.”

“Then why does your encounter with Leo remind you of
Bridges of Madison County
?”

This lady’s starting to bug me.

“Well, I’m not second-guessing my decision to be married to Kurt, if that’s what you think. But, I guess I’m having a hard time fighting the feelings that surfaced when I met Leo last Saturday night.” I abruptly stop mid hair-twirl and blurt out, “You know what really bothers me about that movie?”

“What’s that?”

“It never showed Francesca coping with any guilt, and it never showed how she survived the loss of her true love! The movie cut from when the photographer drove away to like twenty years later when her husband kicked the bucket.
What the hell was she doing all those years in between
? How did she resume her life after her true love disappeared? It sure would help to know where I’m supposed to put all of my feelings so I can go back to the choices I made before Leo. Choices I was happy with, by the way.”

“Do you think it’s possible to find true love after only knowing someone for a few days?”

“I don’t know. But…I think meeting someone so perfect for you can make you question the true love you thought you already had. Hold on, are we talking about me or Francesca?”

She says nothing, and the quiet allows me to ponder the movie a little bit more.

“Remember when Francesca was toying with pulling the car door handle?”

“Big moment, huh?”

“Huge. You
think
she’s gonna get out and run. I mean she HAS TO right!? It’s her destiny to be with Robert! But then she peels her fingers away from the door handle, slumps back in her seat…crushed by her obligations.”

I laugh a little.

“What’s so funny?”

“I watched the movie with Kurt, and I remember telling him that I thought she should’ve pulled the door handle. He looked at me like I was a monster. I quickly explained that I only said that because I imagined
him
as being Robert, he was the one I would have an affair with. Then he got angry that I would even suggest an affair. It became a big argument.”

“What happened?”

We had an argument. Duh! I just told you that.

“Well, I
tried
to explain to him that he was my whole world and, married or not, I would escape any situation to be with him. I thought it was sweet, but instead of feeling moved by my confession, he pooh-poohed all of it. I dunno…maybe I didn’t explain myself right. Seems like I always have a hard time explaining myself to Kurt.”

“Now that you’ve had this experience with Leo, how do you see yourself in that car scene from the movie?”

It takes me a long time to process her question. When I finally answer, it’s slow.

“Kurt and I are in the same car. Leo’s waiting for me in the truck ahead of us, and I can see his eyes in the rear view mirror, they’re pleading with me to run away with him.” Goosebumps pop up all over my arms, and I close my eyes in almost agonizing pain as I envision the scene I’m creating. “And my hand is gripping the door handle.”

“Knowing you might not ever see Leo again, do you pull the handle?”

My eyes pop wide open.

“My situation is different than Francesca’s…I’m younger…I don’t have children.”

“Are you saying it makes your choice easier?”

“No…I’m saying that…I’m saying…I don’t know what I’m saying!

I’ve never had anyone to compare Kurt to. He’s all I’ve ever known.”

“Pretend you’re her and you
have to
make a choice. Do you pull it?”

“I never wanted to be Francesca.”

“Do you pull it?”

I want to pull that pencil out of your hair and stab you in the face with it!

“Chrissy?”

“Damn it, my obligation tells me no, but the craving for whatever I felt on Saturday night tells me I have to, and I’m scared because craving is kicking obligation’s ass.”

“Sometimes it’s easy to confuse safety with obligation. Do you think that’s what Francesca did?”

I’m really starting to regret bringing up this movie.

“You mean, do I think that’s what
I’m
doing? Look, maybe obligation was the wrong word. Bottom line is I love Kurt. He’s all I’ve ever loved, but since Saturday, that love feels like some kind of a sacrifice and it’s driving me crazy.”

“Chrissy, you just traded in the word obligation for sacrifice.” For the love of Christ. Coming here was a huge mistake.

“Dr. Maria, I came alive on Saturday night, and all I want to know is how to keep that feeling and go back to my life before I met Leo. Is that possible?”

“Anything’s possible. Why don’t you tell me more about Saturday and the events leading up to it.”

I tell her everything about the night I met Leo and the phone call the day after. I tell her about walking around aimlessly in the rain and my first ever orgasm. I tell her that I went days without thinking about my husband and that I let the few calls he did make to me go straight to voicemail. But mostly, I tell her about the type of woman I’ve always been and how that woman is so opposite of what I was the night I met Leo. I thoroughly explain how much men annoy me, and have my whole life. I get furious whenever one of them checks me out, attempts to grab a seat next to me at the airport, just says “hello.”  I can spot those schmucks a mile away, and my invariable response to them is to flash them my wedding ring, a dirty look, and walk away.

“If that’s the case, why didn’t you walk away from Leo? What made him so different?”

“There was nothing to walk away from. He never even approached me.”

“I see. What made you approach him then?”

“It’s so stupid.”

“Tell me.”

“He was just talking about something I thought was interesting. I guess I wanted to know more.”

Please don’t ask! Please don’t ask!

“What was it?”

 Oh, Lordy.

“Ghosts. He was talking about ghosts.”

And I thought her
Bridges of Madison County
face was weird.

“I know, I know, it’s corny. Kurt thinks my fascination with ghosts is completely silly as well.”

“No, not silly at all.”

“Sure it is, but hearing Leo talk about them was, I dunno… almost serene. Anyway, I interrupted his conversation to ask him a question and he made me feel stupid, like I was some kind of bar whore or something. It was pretty embarrassing. I was gonna leave it at that, but as he turned back around to continue to talk to his buddy, our eyes met. Frankly, he intimidated me a little bit and I told him so. I mean, not in a bitchy way just in a sarcastic ‘are you always this pleasant’ kind of way. Anyway, my comment amused him and now I’m in therapy.”

I thought it was her turn to talk, but she’s just staring at me, waiting for me to say more.

“A few months ago, I read some stupid article in Cosmo about dating. I don’t know why really, because well…I’m married and obviously I don’t date. But anyway, it said the quickest way to determine true companionship is to interview your date the minute they show up at your door. Just put yourself totally out there and request they do the same. It’s supposed to speed up knowing if you should pursue a second date or end the first one on the spot. No sense wasting time right?”

Just a nod.

“Like if during the interview I confessed to being a diehard vegetarian and the guy revealed he loved veal, obviously we would immediately agree that we were totally wrong for each other, no matter what physical attraction originally existed.

“Seems like there would be no shame of rejection with a process like that.”

“Exactly! I mean, if a guy didn’t want to be with you, chances are you wouldn’t want to be with him either and you’d both know exactly why. And there’s no embarrassment… no heartbreak. As long as everyone’s honest, it seems like a very efficient way to find a true companion, right?”

Another nod, but at least this one shows some positive consideration for what I’m saying.

“Anyway, I know I wasn’t technically on a first date with Leo, but I thought it would be fun to try what I had read. Within the first hour of meeting him, we covered politics, abortion, religion, money, dreams, goals, fears, you name it. I honestly answered all of his questions and remarkably, he did the same, and what happened was insane. He liked me. The good, the bad, and the ugly, and I felt the same way about him. It was like every other second one of us was saying ‘me too’ or ‘I totally agree’!”

“Would you say you were 100% you?”

“More like 200%. I told him things I’ve never admitted to another human being.”

“If you don’t mind sharing, what was the craziest thing you told him?”

“That I wanted to be a good wife. I know… how twisted is that? There I am, a wife, flirting with a guy I met at a bar and I’m telling him I want to be a good wife. Makes me sick to my stomach.”

“What does it mean to be a good wife to you?”

“Being given the freedom to act how I want to act, do the things I want to do, so that I can enjoy my husband and make him happy. You know…I actually told Leo that I
might
want to quit my job and be a housewife one day. Yep, told him that I thought it was a good idea to keep my options open because, who knows what I’ll want when I have kids. Crap, I can barely admit that stuff to myself! Who blurts that out to someone they just met?”

“Probably not many. I’m curious, have you ever tried this interview process with Kurt?”

“Nah. It wouldn’t go well.”

“Explain.”

“I used to admit my hopes and dreams to Kurt, but it was clear they put too much pressure on him. So I stopped. The troubling thing about meeting Leo, other than the kissing and orgasm of course…”  I wanted her to think that was funny but I got nothing, “Is that I told him all the things I stopped telling Kurt a long time ago. I think that’s what’s bothering me so much.”

“Do you think we can create a safe place in this office for you to tell Kurt your dreams?”

“A week ago, I would’ve been doing back handsprings for an opportunity like that. But after meeting someone who’s so perfect for me, the reinvention of Kurt and Chrissy seems like such a struggle.”

“So is that a no?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a no. It’s more of an uncertain yes.”

 She stops to tap her pencil on her pad of paper.

“What do you think the best relationships are made of?”

It’s funny, or maybe it’s sad, but I immediately draw on my short time with Leo for an answer.

“Passion.”

“Where do you think passion comes from?”

What is this… a fucking game show!?

“I dunno, when you have common ground with someone, when you agree more than you disagree…you get happy, you get connected.

You get passion.”

“I think so too.”

You do
?

“Couples don’t always agree, of course. But, I think the best relationships are about a shared vision. Shared visions create passion. Passion keeps people together.

Kurt and I don’t have a shared vision, we never did. The flood gates are now open.

“Do you need a tissue, Chrissy.”

I grab four.

“For three days I’ve been crying over what I did to Kurt, but right now I’m crying because of how sad it is that my dreams frustrate my husband to the point that I stopped having any with him. I managed to keep them to myself for a while, but that was totally frustrating. Eventually I just stopped dreaming altogether.”

“That’s not good.”

I blow my nose and think for a minute.

“I always thought that life was just one long list of
mostly
unfulfilled dreams.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we’re constantly dreaming of what we want to accomplish, places we want to go, people we want to meet. Obviously everything we dream about isn’t gonna come true, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, I think when one dream goes unfulfilled, you create another one to take its place so you always feel like you’re working towards something. Along the way, hopefully you can feel intermittent successes. Those little successes are what make life great. And I imagine what makes it even better is when you share the dreams, the old unfulfilled ones and the ones that take their place, with the person you love.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Here come the tears again.

“But when you stop talking about your dreams with the person you love because he thinks they’re ridiculous, all that’s left is nonsense.”

“When did you stop?”

“I’m not sure exactly, because for a long time I assumed Kurt’s dreams as my own.”

“Why?”

“Because it made him happy and it made us look like a team.” I take a deep breath before I proceed. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve sacrificed too much of myself to be with Kurt, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why.”