The Life List (The List Trilogy) (7 page)

I can barely look him in the eye, let alone sit across from him right now at the breakfast table and have a conversation. It’s not all because of guilt either. I can’t get Leo off of my mind, and I’m scared to death I’m gonna say his name out loud. Thank God the therapist was able to squeeze me in for my first appointment tonight. I have an hour to set the record straight with her, come up with an action plan, and begin executing it immediately. I work fast. I hope she does too.

Kurt finally realizes I’m in the room. Time to grab my crap and haul ass.

“Did you eat yet, babe?”

“Nah, not hungry, I’m just gonna grab some coffee and head out. I have a sales meeting at 9:00.”

I’m not sure if the sweat on my upper lip is because I’m nervous I’ll call him Leo or because I know he’s gonna reprimand me for not eating a healthy breakfast.

“
You have to eat, Chrissy
. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Wait a few minutes and I’ll make some eggs.”

Here we go. I haven’t wanted eggs for twenty-eight years. Will he ever stop asking or will I just eventually agree to eat them? I can see him trying to shove pureed eggs down my throat when I’m ninety years old.

It’ll be a struggle to the bitter end. No! I won’t eat them. Never!

“No thanks, I
really
gotta get going. I’ll bum a bagel off of someone at work.”

“Nice, is that how it’s gonna be when we have a kid? Are you gonna bum a bagel off of someone in the school parking lot because you didn’t make time to feed the kid properly at home? You should start taking better care of yourself now so you’re more prepared for a family later.”

When we were younger I accepted Kurt’s obtuse comments as concern for my well-being. It was thoughtful when he suggested I bypass the chips and salsa so the mucho grande burrito would taste
that much better
. Now it just makes me feel fat. It was thrilling when he urged me to try new things like kayaking, but when I wanted to stop at the class three rapids it wasn’t good enough for him because “even his ten year old niece could do
that.
”  As I’ve become more vocal about things like
loving
chips and salsa and
hating
all water sports, we’ve started to argue a lot more. But I’m tired of arguing. All I want to do right now is sit in traffic and listen to the Braveheart soundtrack.

“Oh, and I have a dinner meeting after work tonight, so I’ll be home late.”

“Again? Don’t they know you have a family? All those long hours over there are getting to be a bit much.”

“Kurt, we don’t have a family, we have a dog. Look, I joined a start-up company, and I told you it was gonna be like this. I’d appreciate it if you would stop making me feel guilty.”

“I’m with a start-up too, but I don’t let them take advantage of me… .”

I’m not sure how long Kurt continued to ramble after I closed the door to the garage but I really did have to go if I planned on getting everything done before my appointment with Dr. Maria.

As I sit in traffic, I think about the days when I worshiped the ground Kurt walked on. When we were younger, I thought he was so cool. He was the kind of guy who rode his bike through crowded streets with NO HANDS! He would take his dog anywhere and everywhere without a leash. And he had the mad skills to merge onto the freeway going 70 mph, slide over to the fast lane in one fell swoop, and talk a police officer out of a well-deserved speeding ticket. Know what’s even more crazy? He still does all those things. At sixteen they were wow factors but as an adult they just make you ask, “Why?” I remember the first time I talked to him. It was at his high school graduation party. I was a year younger than he was and it took a lot of nerve for me and my friends to show up somewhere we weren’t invited. But there was gonna be a lot of beer, so we had to try! The party was at his buddy Tom’s house, and Tom had a cool Mom who let you drink alcohol at her house if you gave her your car keys and committed to spending the night.

God Bless the 80’s, right?

*****

June, 1986

“Okay guys, play it cool when we get inside. Just drop your keys in the bowl and act like we’re invited.”

“That’s easy, Chrissy. But once we’re in, how do we get out? I’m gonna be grounded for life if I don’t get home by my curfew. Not to mention the beating you’re gonna get from your Marlboro Mama if you don’t come home tonight.”

Before Courtney and I can finish debating the subject, Nicole and Kelly are on the dance floor with a couple of Miller Lights in their hands.

“Well, Court, it looks like there’s no turning back now. Go in and start looking like we belong here.”

“Omigod, Chrissy, look! There he is.”

For the last three years, I’ve watched Kurt Gibbons from a safe distance-partly because I felt like he was totally out of my league and partly because he always had a girlfriend. He’s captain of the football team, captain of the baseball team, and captain of dating any girl he wants. Since he has his pick of the lot, it surprises me that he dated Debbie Tedaro for the last year. Debbie’s a scary looking girl with huge ass hair and the longest legs I’ve ever seen. She looks a good ten years older than anyone else in high school and whenever she holds his hand, it looks like she’s hurting him. But the word on the streets of Freakmont is that he broke up with her months ago, even though she’s telling people they’re still together. Her manipulations are working, because no girl will go near him with a ten-foot pole. As I walk in to the backyard, I surmise that he knows this and is pissed as all hell.

“Debbie, we’re not together anymore, so quit telling people we are.”

“But can’t you see how much I love you!?”

“Look, I don’t wanna be mean, but I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry, just move on.”

Wow, harsh. I kinda feel sorry for Debbie until…

“What the hell are you guys looking at? Who let you into this party anyway, you’re JUNIORS!”

I wanted to correct her because technically we’re seniors because they just graduated, but after looking at the scowl on her face, I opted not to. I stood frozen, as she stormed past us to get to the bathroom, bashing into my shoulder on the way.

“Did you guys see that? She assaulted me!”

“I’m so sure, Chrissy! Like, she even knows who you are! She’s big, she’s pissed, and she’s totally moted right now. Stop making this all about you.”

“Nahhhhh, she’s right. She bumped into her on purpose.”

I whirl around in a state of shock to find Kurt and Tom sipping on a couple of beers, listening to every word we’re saying. Looking right at ME, Kurt asks, “Do you guys wanna grab some wine coolers and hang out in the gazebo?”

In unison and sounding like total retards, Court and I answer:

“Yeah.” “Cool.”

“Sounds good.”

“Okie dokie.”

It was clear within a matter of minutes that for whatever bizarre reason, Kurt wanted to talk exclusively to me, and after a few Very Berry Bartles & James wine coolers, I let myself go a little bit.

“So it’s your big graduation party, that’s exciting! But geez, are you sure you wanna spend all your time sitting here with me?”

“Are you kidding? I’m pissed that I didn’t do it sooner. We would’ve had a great time hanging out in high school. You and your friends seem cool.”

“I didn’t think you even knew who I was.”

“I noticed you last year at Cheerleading try-outs. I think every guy noticed you that night.”

I think I’m gonna shit my pants RIGHT now. Boys noticed me? Kurt Gibbons noticed me?

“Debbie sure is a rough girl.”

“She’s not so bad. You just have to know her.”

“Oh, right. I’m not sure why I said that. Sorry. Why’d you guys break up?” “We’re just different. I either want to be alone or find someone who likes to do the same things as me.”

“What kinds of things?”

“I like to go fishing, camping, hike, ride my motorcycle, bike ride. Pretty much anything to do with the outdoors. Oh, and I like to read too.”

“ME TOO! I love to do all of that stuff. I was just gonna buy a new bike.  Maybe you could help me pick one out.”

Courtney whips her head around and shoots me a look of disgust and pity all mixed together. She knows the closest I ever got to nature was in a lawn chair by the pool and the last I book I read was… no book. I shoot her a look back that says, “Don’t say a fucking word!”

“Hey, what are you and Courtney doing tomorrow? Do you guys wanna play some tennis with me and… ”

Before he can finish his sentence, Debbie and her motley crew of hair bears stomp into the gazebo.

“Great! Is this the girl you like now? Her?!” Her finger is about an inch from my face.

“Leave us alone, Debbie. You’re embarrassing yourself.” As he gently guides her finger away from my face he says, “Chrissy has nothing to do with our break up.”

He just said my name! Somebody pinch me.

Debbie’s voice escalates to a dog whistle-like pitch; her hands flail all around as she yells at him, Tom, me, Courtney, the world. Kurt stands up, puts his arm on her lower back, and guides her and her friends to an area by the pool. She shoots me a look that says “Ha ha, he still cares for me.”  My heart sinks. I was so stupid to think that Kurt Gibbons would be interested in me. Just as I’m about to grab Courtney’s hand to leave the gazebo, Kurt and Tom push Debbie and her three friends into the water.  As he walks back to me he says, “Maybe now she’ll cool off.” I’m in love.

*****

And I still do love him. We’re Kurt and Chrissy, the super cute couple who’s been in love since we were kids. How can a love story like ours turn into a nightmare?

Delusional

February, 1998

So this is what a therapist’s office looks like. It’s sparsely decorated with a couple of uncomfortable chairs that look like mauve threw up all over them, a side table stacked with outdated issues of
Time
magazine and, one really sad, frumpy looking lady. I try to make eye contact with her so I can give her the obligatory head nod, but she just glances at my shoes and then back down at the floor. Geez, what a miserable human being. I wasn’t prepared to sit amongst people with big problems. Then again, I’m not sure what I expected.
Humph
… I guess I didn’t give it much thought; I was too busy working my ass off all day at the office solving other people’s problems so I’d get here in time for someone else to solve mine. I arrived right on time and, thank God, because I can’t stand to sit in this waiting room of shame for one minute longer than I have to. Just as I bend down to grab something out of my purse to pretend I’m interested in, the door that I assume leads to the individual therapist’s offices opens and an official looking woman eyeballs me. She’s maternal looking with a classy Bohemian sense of style. Sections of her shoulder-length hair are pulled back in a loose bun held together with a pencil, and her chic tortoise shell glasses are dangling on the very tip of her nose. Judging by the expression on her face, I’m exactly what she expected. Dumb blond.

“You must be Chrissy.”

“Hi! Yes!” Extending my arm out for her to shake, “Sooooo nice to meet you!”

I realized there was way too much glee in my greeting when Sad Frumpy Lady rolled her eyes up and gave me a blank stare.

“Hi hunny, I’m Dr. Maria. Follow me on back.”

Her office is dimly lit. She points to an area on the couch where she wants me to sit. I plop myself down, cross my legs, and immediately start to twirl my hair like I just settled into the best booth at Whiskey bar. I swear, if we had a couple of martinis, this could be a cocktail party.

“Do you want to tell me why you’re here, Chrissy?”

What, no drinks?

“Well, I assume you listened to my voice message and it’s all very embarrassing. I don’t know why I did what I did, but I certainly don’t
ever
plan on doing it again. Mostly I just wanna understand why I did it, figure out how to deal with the guilt, and move on. I’ve never even dated another guy, never wanted to at all! I love Kurt. That’s my husband’s name, Kurt. We’ve been together since high school, just like my parents! We married three years ago and he’s amazing! Lights up any room when he walks through the door. Everyone just loves…”

“Why don’t you tell me about this other man- the one you spent Saturday evening with.”

I could
really
use that martini right about now.

“Oh, uh…His name is Leo.”

Saying his name makes me feel pretty.

“And?”

“And he’s just…different.”

“Different than what?”

“Different than anyone I’ve ever met.” “How does it feel to talk about him?”

“Obviously, it’s embarrassing and I’m totally confused about all of it.”

“Anything else?”

“I guess it’s also electrifying, and I don’t know why that is. It seems like what I did should have the opposite effect, like I should be depressed, but I’m not. I feel like I have super powers or something.”

“Tell me more about Leo.”

“I don’t really know how to explain him; he’s just someone I wish I could get to know better.”

“Why?”

God I hate this.

“I guess when I was with him, I felt alive, and I feel alive right now talking about him. And I wanna shout out that I met the most amazing person in the world, but I can’t do that. It kinda scares me that he’ll have to stay in my mind forever. Feels very
Bridges of Madison County
, ya know?”

Since I’m not a middle aged Iowan woman of Italian decent with two teenage kids and an ol’ fart farmer husband, she’s obviously having a hard time making the connection.

“I saw that movie a few years ago, and it depressed the hell out of me. The woman, Francesca, had an affair with some traveling photographer dude who rolled into town, and even though she only knew him for a few days, he was the one for her. Did you see the movie?”

“Who didn’t?”

“Tell me about it. Anyway, I remember being on the edge of my seat when the photographer… crap, what was his name again?”