The Life List (The List Trilogy) (16 page)

“Wow, Kel, you just made me feel about ten million times worse than I already felt. But hey, as long as your marriage is great, that’s all that matters, right?”

“I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. God, I was just saying this must be really hard for you.”

“THEN SAY THAT, THEN!”

“Okay, everybody calm the fuck down! Chrissy’s marriage sucks, Kelly’s is great, mine and Courntey’s are so-so. Honestly, they’re all gonna suck at some point. Chrissy’s just sucks first. Let’s help her through this the best we can so she doesn’t abandon us when we’re in her shoes.”

Thank God for Nicole. You can always count on her to diffuse a sticky situation with a shot of humor. She puts her arm around my shoulder and speaks softly.

“So, when did you realize your marriage sucked so bad, hun?”

Then again, her humor can also make a crappy situation seem even crappier.

I roll my eyes over to Courtney to plead her to take this seriously.

“What Nicole
meant
to ask is when did you notice things were falling apart?”

“I’m not sure if things were ever together. But I guess my breaking point was after the miscarriage when he acted like it never even happened.”

“Sounds familiar.”

The three of us snap our heads in Kelly’s direction.

“What’s she talking about?”

“Yeah, what sounds familiar?”

Kelly’s looking at me like she’s
sort of
sorry she let the cat out of the bag.

“I’m sorry, Chrissy, I thought you would’ve told them by now.”

“Nope. Kurt wanted it to go away so I let it…sort of.”

“He wanted
what
to go away?!”

Right before their very eyes, I morph back into my long lost role as the 1987 cluster fuck queen.

“Uh, I’ve been pregnant before, but I…we…didn’t keep it.”

In unison, Courtney and Nicole whip their heads in my direction and loudly whisper, “
You had an abortion
!?”

Now Kelly’s looking at me like she’s
really
sorry she let the cat of the bag.

“Hold on, Kelly knew about this?”

“What’s up with that? I thought we knew everything about each other. Any other secrets you two are keeping from me and Courtney?”

Crossing my fingers under the table, “I don’t know about Kelly, but I promise that’s the only one I’ve been keeping from you.”

“When did it happen?”

“Geez, Nic I can’t even deal with talking about that right now. It’d be like going back to
Titanic
and I don’t think I can.”

“I don’t care if it’s like reliving the friggin’ spiral perm you got three hours before our junior prom.” Turning to Courtney and Kelly like all of the sudden I’m invisible, “Remember that mess? She looked like Dee Snider from Twisted Sister, but with a fucking bob haircut! What the hell was she thinking?”

“Hello…Nicole! I told you to NEVER bring that up!”

“Well then, speak! Now!”

“Okay, fine. It happened when I was seventeen.”

“
IN HIGH SCHOOL
?!”

“Yep, told you it was like going back to
Titanic
.”

*****

November 1986

“For fuck sake, Chrissy, get up! We only have three weeks until Nationals and you aren’t trying!”

“I am trying, Kelly! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep getting dizzy, and I don’t have the energy to get through the routine.”

“Then go sit on the bleachers so you’re not in the way!”

“Fine. I’ll be in the bath…”

“Chrissy! Omigod! Someone call 911!”

Twenty-five minutes later, with Kelly by my side, I’m on an emergency room table.

“Do you have a history of fainting?”

“No, and I didn’t faint. I got really dizzy.”

“Are you experiencing any flu like symptoms?

“No.”

“Are you more tired than usual?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sexually active?” Giggles. “I guess”.

“It says here you’re seventeen. Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Are you taking precautions to protect yourself during intercourse?” More giggles. “Yeah, condoms.”

“Every single time?”

“Yes.”

That’s not the case, there was that one time, but I can’t admit that to this guy.

“Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”

“NO! No way. Gosh, I’m too young!”

“Miss, if you menstruate, you can get pregnant. You can be as young as twelve, even younger.

“Gross. But, no I’m not. I feel better now. Let’s go, Kelly.”

“Miss, I would feel better if we did a pregnancy test before you left. Don’t worry, it’s completely confidential. Your parents won’t find out about any of this.”

I’m looking at him like he’s fucking nuts. I barely even know how to get pregnant, so how can I actually
be
pregnant? “No thank you. I’m fine. I just wanna go.”

“I’ll tell you what, let’s do the test, and if it’s negative, which I’m sure it will be, I’ll give you a three month supply of birth control pills. Does that sound like a good idea?”

I can get birth control pills without my mom knowing
? That does sound like a good idea! Kelly’s looking at me like I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

“Sure.”

After a quick pee in a cup and a trip to the vending machine for a Dr. Pepper and a Snickers, my test comes back negative. Kelly and I head back to cheerleading practice with my little bag of birth control gold.

For the next four weeks I continue to suffer through practice, and even though I’m incredibly tired and lightheaded, I force myself to hide it from my squad. Nationals are a big deal. No squad from American High School, let alone any squad in Northern California, has ever qualified for this competition. One hundred of the best cheer squads from across the country are heading to Disneyland to compete and it’s being televised on ESPN. Granted, it’ll air at 2:30am on a Wednesday, but who cares! My squad has worked on our routine for three hours a day for the last six months, and I can’t let whatever the hell is wrong with me ruin this opportunity of a lifetime. It’ll have to wait until the competition is over. And that it did. The minute we got off the stage, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

“Hurry, Chrissy! They’re about to announce the winners. What the heck…are you throwing up?”

“Kelly, what’s wrong with me?”

“I dunno. Maybe you’re getting sick from those birth control pills.”

“That’s impossible, I haven’t started taking them yet.”

“Why not?”

“The doctor told me not to start until the first Sunday after my next period.

I haven’t had it yet.”

“Chrissy, that was like, four weeks ago! When was your last period?”

“I guess like a month and a half ago. Maybe longer. I don’t keep track of that stuff.”

“Jesus, Chrissy, I think you might be pregnant after all. You should take another test.”

We ended up finishing fourth place at Nationals, which was pretty good considering it was our first ever appearance. I’m finally back home and back to reality. Time to tell Kurt the news.

“Kurt, I think I screwed up on something.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, I haven’t started my period yet.”

“Okay…”

“And I know the pregnancy test I took at the hospital turned out negative, but I’m scared, Kurt. With all of my dizziness, throwing up and stuff, I think I might be anyway.”

“Like you said, the test came out negative. Just give it another weekd and stop worrying so much.”

“Kurt, I haven’t had a period in seven weeks.”

All of a sudden he looks scared.

“You probably forgot you had one or something.”

“Kurt, I feel like I’m pregnant.” And then I lose it. “Oh God, but I can’t be! I’m a good girl, a fucking all-American cheerleader for Christ sake! My parents are gonna die! What will happen to college? Oh my God, this can’t be happening!”

“Chrissy! Calm down! What do you want to do?”

Fifteen minutes later, we arrive at Planned Parenthood. He parks and doesn’t ask to join me inside. I’m alone.

Head down and speaking softly, I explain my situation to the man nurse person. He tells me it’s best to administer a blood test so we can get to the bottom of thingsd and like a jerk off he says, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. It’s best to remember how you’re feeling right now and do everything you can to prevent this situation in the future.”

I wanna say, “no shit,” but I keep my mouth shut. At least he doesn’t make me feel like a total slut, and for a minute I’m calm. The minute is over when he confirms that I am, in fact, pregnant.

“But when I took a test six weeks ago it was negative!”

“Well, sometimes when a pregnancy test is taken too close to conception it can’t detect enough hCG. That’s the substance produced by placental tissue, and it needs to be present in order to give you a positive result. Seems to me this is what happened to you.”

Hc… Placental…
What the
?!

“So you’re telling me I have a baby… growing inside of me… RIGHT NOW!?”

“That’s right, and if your calculations are correct, you’re probably about eight weeks pregnant.”

Doing the math in my head. Eight divided by four is… “OH MY GOD!”

With my head buried in my hands and barely able to speak, he asks me what

I plan to do about it. I don’t even know how to make dinner for myself yet. I turn every load of laundry pink, and I can still only manage to get a tampon half-way in. I’m just that inexperienced in life! Oh no! What about my prom? Will Kurt break up with me? How will my father explain this to his co-workers? My Mom will blame me for ruining her life. I’ll have to quit the squad! No! No! No!

“I have to get it out. Oh my God…I’m gonna have an abortion, aren’t I?”

“Well, that’s one option, but you can also give this baby up for adoption.”

“No, I can’t let anyone know I’m pregnant.”

About thirty minutes later, I walk out to Kurt who’s standing outside of the car. He takes one look at my smudged mascara and the large pamphlet of papers I’m carrying and mouths the words “oh shit.”

“Are you okay?”

“I will be next week when this is over with.”

“Whoa, we didn’t even talk about it yet.”

“
Talk about what
? Is this what you want with your life, to be an eighteen-year-old dad?”

“I’d be nineteen by the time you had it.”

“Big fucking deal, Kurt! Look, I’m not some loser high school slut girl. Do you know how many people will laugh at me and get sick satisfaction over this happening? They’ll be like, “There’s prego Chrissy! She thought she was so cool being a cheerleader and dating Kurt Gibbons. What a loser!”

“Why do you care so much what people think about you?”

“BECAUSE I DO! PLUS, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD SAY ABOUT THEM!”

“Okay, okay calm down. It’s gonna be okay. I promise it’ll be okay. If this is your decision, then I’ll help you with it. When is it, and how much does it cost?”

Slightly hyperventilating, I tell him it’s next Saturday, and it will cost $400 with a local anesthetic and $300 without.

“I, I, I d d d d don’t have a a a a any money, Kurt!”

“Don’t worry. I think I can get about $300.”

Don’t worry? I’ve never had minor surgery, not even a cavity in my entire life and now I’m about to have a baby sucked out of my body without a local anesthetic! Jesus, sometimes I wonder how tough Kurt expects me to be. I’ve endured really scary four wheeling trips with him and been water skiing even though I’m more afraid of fish than anything in the world. I’ve run through fields of bulls, and I’ve fallen off of my bike about a thousand times because he wanted me to push myself to the extreme. And I did it all for love. But I wonder…in the name of love,
am I supposed to settle for the cheapie abortion
?

On Thursday night, two days before the abortion, I call Kelly.

“Hey, Kelly, what’s goin’ on?”

“Nothing, just watching Knott’s Landing and looking for something to wear to Joe’s party on Friday night. What are you gonna wear?”

“I’m not going.”

“What are you talking about? It’s gonna be killer!”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Oh, shit. I knew it. What are you gonna do?”

“I’m having a you-know-what on Saturday. I’m telling my mom that I’m staying the night at your house on Friday night, but Kurt and I are really staying at a motel near the place because we have to be there really early in the morning. Can you make sure you cover for me in case my mom calls your house to check if I’m really there?”

“What if I’m at Joe’s party when she calls?”

“God, Kelly, don’t go to the party!”

“Oh man, his parents are out of town, and it’s supposed to be totally rad but yeah, you’re right, I should probably stay home.”

“Probably or you will?”

After a longer than I’m comfortable with pause, “Fine, I’ll stay home.”

“I need another favor. I don’t want anyone to know, not even Nicole and Courtney.”

“Why?”

“You know Nicole will just crack some sick joke to try and cheer me up and Courtney will want to get her mom involved so that I get the best abortion money can buy. As if there can be one.”

“This really sucks, Chrissy. Who would’ve thought this could happen to you?”

Through my tears…“No one.”

Two days later, on January 2nd, instead of ringing in 1987, my high school graduation year, I’m on my way to the abortion clinic. I’m wearing my cheerleading sweat suit and a Minnie Mouse sweatshirt that I bought last month at Disneyland.

Strange choice of clothing, but it makes me feel somewhat official. I want the people at the clinic to think I’m a respectable girl, not one of those stoner chicks who cuts class to hang out by the bleachers and smokes. Just as Kurt parks the car, we notice the protestors.

“Jesus, this is the kinda thing after school specials are made of.”

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this, babe.”

On the one hand, I hate his guts for this, but on the other, I realize I’m the one who allowed it to happen and I only have myself to blame. I put so much faith in his eighteen years of experience, but really he’s just another dumb guy and I’m just another dumb girl who didn’t realize it until it was too late.