Ethan starting school again helped me keep track of my days. I could follow his schedule to know what day it was, and for this I was grateful. I drove him into town for his first day back at school. He seemed fine, not nervous at all.
I
was the nervous one. Worried if he would fit in, if he’d have any friends. I was thankful Kelly and Ethan had hit it off so well – I knew Kelly would look out for him. He was thirteen years old – same age as Ethan – and they’d become instant friends. Kelly was a happy kid. You could see his smile from a mile away. You couldn’t help but smile back.
Not having to worry over Ethan left me ample time to consider someone else — namely Josiah — whom I just couldn’t seem to get off my brain. There were so many things about him that were still a mystery to me. Things, a part of me argued, that should remain a mystery if I truly wanted to stay in my safe little cocoon.
But Josiah had a way of refusing to be ignored, and it seemed I just couldn’t help myself where he was concerned. I’d been wondering about him. A lot. As best I could tell he was some kind of foreman-slash-guidance-counselor all rolled into one. The boys seemed to respect him. I saw several of them eying him with the light of admiration in their eyes, Ethan too.
One Saturday after I finished cleaning the chicken coop that I’d been assigned, I went in search of Josiah to find out what else he had for me. The rest of the boys were in the apple orchards picking, and he’d gone to check on them. My eyes found Josiah quickly, and as I got closer, one of the younger boys, Ryan I think his name was, gave a shrill whistle. Josiah looked over his shoulder in my direction, then turned to the boys and hollered, “Girl on deck. Shirts on.”
The temperature had been hovering around the mid-nineties, and the boys had taken their shirts off. I felt a blush stain my cheeks as I heard their collective groaning complaint. I stopped where I was and stared at Josiah, wanting him to come to me. He tossed the bucket he’d been filling and made his way over.
“Hey, it’s hot. They don’t have to do that,” I said as he got closer.
“They do actually. It isn’t too early for them to start learning to be respectful,” he disagreed.
“Whatever. What else do you want me to do?”
“You got that coop done?”
“Yeah.”
“All right, I was just heading back to check on you anyway. I’ll have you help me change the pipes today.” Josiah turned to look over his shoulder and said, “Rob, Adam, you two are in charge now. I want this row finished, then you’re done for the day.”
My eyes drifted to the boys he was talking to, and as we started to walk away they began peeling their shirts off again. Rob caught my eye and gave me wolfish grin as he pulled his shirt off, flexing his muscles as he did. Passively I noted that he was well built, nothing like Josiah’s rugged frame, but with his dark blond hair and muscular build, I could tell he would be popular with the girls in school. Mentally I shrugged and turned to catch up to Josiah, who was already several paces in front of me. I forgot the blond boy almost instantly.
About three weeks later, I realized I needed to go into town and get a few items. It was Saturday so all the boys were home from school. Since I was eating with everyone in the kitchen now, I mentioned it to Billy over lunch.
“Well, lemme see how the rest of today goes, then maybe I can run you in this evening.”
“I’ll take her,” Josiah said quietly. “The rest of my day is cleared.”
Billy nodded and after a moment I did too. I was hesitant because a part of me was thrilled to spend time with Josiah, but another part kept silently reminding me that I should keep my distance, or at least keep him at a distance. Hard to do when we were constantly together.
We left an hour later. Salmon, Idaho isn’t that big, but it is beautiful. Rugged mountains surrounded us, a big blue sky spanned in every direction. A couple clouds moved sluggishly in the distance. Josiah took me to the Saveway in Salmon where I was able to get what I needed, and then he took us through the Burger King drive-thru and we ordered milkshakes. We stopped near a small creek on the side of the road, heading back out of town, and sat out in the sunshine to enjoy our milkshakes.
“Thank you,” I told him as I sipped the last bit of frozen chocolate milk from my cup.
“Let me know when you need to come back,” he replied.
Josiah stood up, gathered our trash, and placed it in a bag in the back seat of his car. I looked it over, liking the curves and lines of its body. The car needed a paint job; it was buffed and primed, ready for that paint.
“What’re your plans for it?” I nodded at the car.
“When I can afford it, I plan to do a dark blue metal-flake with two white racing stripes. White leather seats.”
“Nice.”
“Do you know what kind of car this is?” he asked, a grin on his face, a spark in his eyes. Those vivid blue eyes flashed at me, causing heat to swirl and then settle in my stomach, sort of the way a flock of starlings takes flight, moving in sequence, and then landing again.
“The mustang on the front sort of gives it away.” I tried to play it cool.
“What year is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s a ’65 Shelby GT.”
I smiled. “Okay.”
Like I know what that is.
Josiah laughed at that, correctly reading my thoughts. “When I came to the ranch, I had a poster of one. It was the only thing I brought with me. Five years ago Billy found this one at an auction. It needed some work. He bought it, brought it home. I’ve been paying him off for it, and for work I’ve had done to it, or did myself.”
I didn’t know what to say to all that. It was becoming obvious to me that Billy had made long strides toward repairing whatever mistakes he’d made in the past. I just didn’t know how to respond to it all. He hadn’t offended
me
way back when, though his falling out with Mom had been on account of me. So, it seemed like a wrong was there, or at least one that had to be addressed. Again, I just wasn’t sure how, or what, to do. Did he need forgiveness? Was he seeking it from me? Mom wrote that he’d asked for forgiveness, and she’d given it. Why would he need it from me as well?
“He’d like to get you a car,” Josiah stated, seemingly out of the blue.
I looked over at him, trying to determine if he was serious. “How do you know?”
“He told me. He asked me to feel you out, see what your tastes are.” Josiah smiled to himself, as if he were hiding some secret meaning in his words.
I stared at him for several minutes. My mind running through possible scenarios, any possible meanings hidden in what he’d said. I came up empty.
“He doesn’t have to do that.”
“I’m sure he knows that. He’d like to do it for you all the same.”
“Well, I really haven’t given it any thought, I guess.”
“You should. I’ll help you.”
“You’ll help me how?”
Again Josiah smiled to himself, some hidden thought flying through his head, too fast for me to read. “I’ll help you… find yourself,” he said after a minute.
“I see. I guess. Thanks.”
“Doesn’t have to be today.”
“Well, good, because I really haven’t thought that much about it. I had a cute little Bug back home, but we sold that before we came out here.”
“I wouldn’t have pictured you as a VW person.”
“It was
cute
. And it got good gas mileage.”
“I’m sure it did,” he chuckled.
“Either way, I’ll need to think about a job. I’ll need income. I can’t just stay here with no plan, no employment.”
“I doubt Billy’d kick you to the curb.”
“No, he probably won’t, but I can’t just stay here regardless.”
“You any good at math?” he asked after a minute.
“I’m decent. Why?”
“Billy was thinking of hiring a tutor for a few of the boys. You might fill that role. I know Bentley said he thought it’d be a good idea.”
“I don’t know…. What kind of tutoring? What kind of math? I’m not a brainiac or anything.”
“Most of those boys are behind in school. They just need someone to assist with understanding their schoolwork and helping with homework.”
I blew out a breath. “I’ll think about it. I guess it’ll depend on which boys need help. I don’t think they really like me.”
Josiah rubbed his head in a mild show of agitation and chuckled darkly under his breath. “Actually, I think they all like you a little too much.”
I snorted at that. “Right.”
“I
am
right. Trust me,” he said as we got back in the car.
We remained quiet for the rest of the drive back, both of us lost in our thoughts. I wondered just how the tutoring might work out. If it would feel weird being employed by Billy. How much time would it take each day? How many boys would I be working with? I guess I’d just have to wait and see.
Breaking Through
Crimson Sage
THE TIME I SPENT
with Josiah just seemed to feed the need and desire to spend more time with him. Lately at night, when I’d return to my room, I was so keyed up, so full of nervous energy, despite being physically tired from the day’s labors, that I’d do a small workout. Just pushups, some sit ups, lunges. Anything to get my mind to relax and stop contemplating that ginger-haired man.
Tonight, it seemed, was no different. Energy still zipped through me. I dug around in my purse for my phone — music would help right now. I pulled it out and stared at it. I hadn’t turned it on in over a month. Not since the accident. I’d received so many texts and calls from friends and relations just pouring their sympathies out to me. I couldn’t handle it so I’d turned the phone off.
I thought of Gracie; she must be so angry with me. I hoped she was able to understand that I just needed to find myself and deal with this loss on my own, and I still didn’t know how to tell her about what I’d learned about my history. With trepidation I plugged my phone in and turned it on. For a moment it was silent and then the messages began pouring in. There were over forty by the time it was all said and done. I took a deep breath and began to read them.
About thirty were from Gracie. They started out concerned, cautious. They quickly turned to hurt and angry. I sighed and tried not to take her angry words to heart then sent her a response basically telling her where I was, how I was doing, that I missed her, that I was sorry, and that I hoped she could forgive me. By the time I was finished with the text I was mentally exhausted, so I just lay down and turned the lamp off.
It took twenty-four hours before Gracie texted back. At first it was a complete rant. She was furious, and rightfully so. Her response came back in five separate and long texts. The last one read, “I understand, forgive you, and love you, too.” I grinned at that. I was sitting in the middle school parking lot in the ranch's beater Chevy pickup, waiting for school to be out for Ethan. Since I had time, I decided to call her.
“’lo,” she said as she answered. Her voice sounded a little distorted. Almost smeared.
“Gracie?”
Her responding shriek had me jerking the phone away from my ear. I blinked a couple times and then cautiously put it to my ear again.
“
Sage
? Sage, is that you?”
“Hey. Sorry I’ve been so absent and unreachable.”
“Yeah, well. If you were closer I’d kick your butt. As it is I love you and I miss you.”
“Miss you, too.” I heard what sounded like heavy breathing and growling in the background, and then a garbled noise. “What are you doing?”
“I was making out with Tanner, but I
told him he needs to put it on hold
.”
I chuckled as she emphasized each word to both Tanner and me.
“Thanks for that. I can let you go, if you need to go.”
I heard Tanner say, “Good idea,” in the background just as she said, “Don’t be an idiot. I haven’t talked to you in a month. Tan-man can take a chill-pill and give me some time with you, or Tan-man can get his cute tush out of my house.”
I had to laugh at that. “Tell Tanner I said, sorry.”
“He’s fine. How are
you
? Are you doing better?”
“I’m getting there. It’s hard.”
“I know. Well, you sound good. Any cute guys there?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really get out much.” Josiah flashed in my mind, but I wasn’t up for sharing that with her. Especially as I wasn’t sure what I felt about him yet.
“Well, Sawyer has asked about you a few times.” Sawyer held no interest for me so I just said, “Tell him I said
hey
.”
“Hmm…”
“What?”
“That wasn’t the response I was hoping for.”
“What do you mean?”
“Either you’re still very depressed or you’re interested in someone else.”
I forgot how astute Gracie could be when she wanted to. I tried playing it cool, hoping to throw her off the trail. Neither topic was one I wanted to divulge to her. “It’s hard, Gracie. I’m dealing as best I can.”