So, as I wasn’t sure about my past, I wasn’t sure about my future, and I sure as heck didn’t know how to respond to Billy, even though I could tell he was longing for a closeness between us. I just didn’t feel I had anything concrete to offer him right now. Nothing substantial. So, I’d just continue to hold him at bay and hold myself together.
Josiah was a solid rock that I found myself relying on. Putting my unwanted attraction aside, he made me feel safe. He never pushed beyond what I was capable of giving. He seemed to read my boundary lines rather well. And for that, I was grateful. To myself, in the quiet recesses of my mind, I’d been able to acknowledge my growing attraction to Josiah. I pondered that attraction at length and likened it to how a cat might respond to catnip. Or the way gasoline responded to a lit match. It was like I had no control over these feelings. They were compulsive. I had to respond.
These feelings for him didn’t seem to have an On or Off switch. They were just there. And each day they grew. Not being around him didn’t seem to help, didn’t seem to lessen them any. Every so often I’d catch a look from him that made me think he was feeling the same things. And that just made me more confused. He had to see that I had nothing to offer him. I’d been torn apart, right down to the very core of who I was. And, even though he’d forced me to face life again, I didn’t know if I’d ever find the essence of
me
again. That left the question of, what did he want? What did Josiah see when he looked at me?
These were all good and valid questions. Problem was, I was way too timid to ever ask them. Way too fractured to be that bold or confident. I told myself I’d just have to wait and let Josiah make the first move — if he intended to move at all.
Picking Up Strays
Crimson Sage
I TOLD JOSIAH I
needed to go to town again, reminding myself I’d need to do something about getting my own vehicle soon. Ethan overheard me and asked to come along. Josiah told him he could, but to check with Billy first. Billy not only agreed but said, “Let’s all go. Give Sally a break. Get a burger.” The other boys shouted their enthusiasm for this idea and before I knew it everyone was going.
I swallowed any consternation I was feeling as it sunk in that instead of the nice, quiet, and quick trip to town to pick up a couple things that I’d been anticipating, I’d now be getting a loud, boisterous, testosterone-fueled lengthy visit.
Oh, well
. At least the boys were happy, and I couldn’t fault them for their excitement.
Billy had an old school bus that he’d painted blue with the ranch name in white on the side of it. Everyone piled in, excited conversations taking place all around me. I took a seat a couple rows behind Billy, who was driving. Ethan sat behind me and Josiah sat across the aisle from him. Ethan immediately began chatting animatedly with Kelly.
I felt someone looking at me, felt the weight of it. I assumed it was Josiah and glanced over in his direction, anticipating his dark blue eyes. He wasn’t looking at me. He was staring down Rob. Rob was in turn staring at me. Hard. It was
his
gaze I’d felt. When he’d caught my eye, he very deliberately winked. I blinked in surprise and started to turn away, uncomfortable and embarrassed with his attentions.
I saw Josiah tighten his fist, his jaw clenched. “Watch your manners, Rob,” he growled, low.
Rob continued to stare at me, trying to hold my gaze. “I ain’t doing nothing.” His tone indicated an unspoken
yet
.
“Rob,” Josiah snarled at him, his voice full of warning. Rob jerked his eyes to Josiah; I saw the flash of anger, but after a moment he backed down. “Whatever,” he grumbled and looked out the window.
Josiah watched for a moment longer, then turned back to me. His face was void of expression now. Closed off. After a moment he looked away from me, glanced over the rest of the bus, which had become quiet during the exchange, and then looked out his window, too.
I faced front again, trying to keep the heat from my face. Billy was watching us from the rearview mirror, his eyes going from me, to Josiah, to Rob, and back again. I shifted my gaze out the window, doing my best to avoid all of them.
Billy pulled into the Saveway parking lot and stopped. “I see Red parked down the street, boys. Don’t do anything stupid and get the sheriff ticked off at you. Meet back here in an hour and we’ll eat. Here’s ten dollars for each of you. You younger fellas stick together. You older ones
behave
.”
Billy said he was going to grab a coffee and find a bench to keep an eye on the one main street in town. Ethan and Kelly wanted to go to the pet store, and I wanted to find the library before it closed. Pretty quickly everyone took off in different directions.
I didn’t see where Josiah went, mainly because I was doing my best
not
to pay attention to him. I’d been noticing him far too much for my peace of mind. And I was very much afraid he was starting to become aware of it. My mind contemplated his reactions to Rob as well, trying to decide if Josiah was jealous of the blond boy. Since I didn’t understand it, I determined to just ignore it.
I found the library easily enough and then spent about fifteen minutes in bliss as I perused the rows and rows of books. I’d just settled on the floor with a stack I wanted to give a closer look to when Ethan darted in, followed quickly by Kelly. “Sage!” he cried breathlessly. “Please say yes. Please!”
“They’re so cute and
free
!” Kelly chimed in.
“Whoa. Wait. First off, pipe down. You’re in a library. Second, what are you talking about?”
“A
puppy
. There’s a girl giving them away down the street. Please?”
“A puppy? But, Ethan, Billy already has two dogs. Have you asked him?”
“He said to ask you.”
Great
. “Are you going to take care of it? Puppies are a lot of work.”
“Yes! I promise. I’ll do whatever you ask me to.”
“You’ll keep your grades up?”
“Promise. Please?”
I stood up and put three books back and took three books with me to check out. Ten minutes later Ethan was dragging me down the road to where a girl about fifteen or so sat beside a box full of wiggling tan and grey fluff balls. She smiled at our approach. “I hear you have puppies.” I smiled back at her.
“Yes ma’am. Five.”
I bent over and looked in the box. The puppies seemed to be a mixed breed. Part Australian Shepherd maybe, part who-knows-what. They were cute though. Really cute. Ethan had picked one up. It was a marled blue and brown color. Had one white paw and the ears stood partly up. The puppy had one blue eye, the other one golden brown. Ethan was laughing as the puppy showed its affection by licking all over his face.
“I take it you like that one?”
“Isn’t she beautiful?” Ethan asked through puppy breath.
I reached over and scratched her ears. “She is. Have you picked a name?”
“Daisy,” he replied instantly.
“All right. But
you
have to take care of her.”
“I will. I swear.”
“Well, let’s go get food and other supplies you’ll need.” We thanked the young girl, whose name turned out to be Maggie, and then with Ethan carrying Daisy and Kelly skipping along beside them, we walked back to the bus.
Billy chuckled as we approached him. “I wondered what your answer would be.”
“Ethan swears he’ll take care of her.”
“He will. I’ll see to it he does. He’s taken a responsibility for the pup. He’s going to follow through now. Right, Ethan?”
“Right.”
I set my books next to Billy on the bench. “I’m going to take Ethan inside to get some supplies he’ll need.”
“Here,” Billy said as he handed me a $50 bill. “This should cover most of it.”
I hesitated — I had money — Billy didn’t have to pay for everything like we were children.
“I know you can probably pay yourself. I just want to be able to do something for The Kid.”
I took a deep breath, nodded, and accepted his gift.
I grabbed a cart on the way inside and we picked out a few puppy toys, a couple bowls, a collar, and a leash. I was just bending to pick up a large bag of food, when I heard a voice at my shoulder, “I got it.”
I jumped a little, but Josiah grabbed the bag and quickly,
easily,
tossed it over his shoulder. I remembered all too well how that felt. How easily he’d done the same with me. I was blushing again when Josiah caught my eye. His grin told me he remembered as well.
“You caught me off-guard.”
“Which time?” He grinned.
“Both times,” I grumbled.
“I know.” He shrugged the bag on his shoulder. “Is this it?”
“Yeah, that’s it.”
After I’d paid for everything and we were heading out to the bus, Ethan asked me if I wanted to hold Daisy. I took her and held her close for a moment, letting him and Kelly carry the bags. The other boys gathered around when they saw the puppy. A big arm came over my shoulder, to brush across Daisy’s back. “I see we’re picking up another stray.”
I turned around to see Rob standing right behind me. He was looking at me, not the puppy. “Soft. Cute, too. Bet she enjoys a good petting.”
I stepped away from him, not liking the tone of his voice or the innuendo in his words. Josiah moved back to my side, his presence comforting. Rob shot me a sly grin before walking over to the bus. He leaned against it nonchalantly, keeping his gaze on me. Josiah followed his movements, with his jaw clenched again.
“All right,” Billy said. “Everyone here and accounted for? Ethan, you should take her for a potty break before we get going. Load up!”
Billy drove to the Burger King and told us he was going to place a basic order: cheeseburgers, fries, and Cokes for all. He left Josiah in charge as he went inside.
I glanced over my shoulder and noticed that most of the boys were seated around Ethan, excited to see Daisy and pet her. Looking further, I saw that Rob, Adam, and Cullen had moved to the very back of the bus where they were talking quietly amongst themselves. Once or twice they’d look up at Josiah, and then glance in my direction before looking back down. Josiah just watched them silently, making no comment, giving no indication that he was in any way bothered by their actions.
It only took about twenty minutes for Billy to return with our dinner; once it was dispersed we ate on the road.
When we got back to the ranch, Cullen asked Billy if we could do a bonfire. The others joined in the plea, and soon there was a large blaze roaring in the rock-rimmed pit behind the house.
I went inside to put my purse away, and when I came back out I stopped for a moment, unsure as to where to sit. There was only one seat available, so it shouldn’t have been that difficult. Problem was, the open seat was right between Josiah and Ethan. My brother was fine, I’d have chosen to sit by him regardless; it was sitting beside Josiah that gave me pause.
After my parents had died, I’d gratefully been able to build a nice, thick, numb wall around my emotions. What I couldn’t feel wouldn’t hurt me. Ethan was the only thing I allowed inside. The only one I’d let affect me. Until I’d met Josiah. From that very first encounter by the baggage claim he’d been cracking away at my shell. Then he’d shattered it entirely when he forced me to acknowledge I was still alive, still had a life to live.
I’d been trying to ignore the stares, ignore the way his voice, his scent, his touch, his look had been prodding at me. I thought that if I closed him off I could just ignore him and be alive in my safe, numb shell. Josiah wouldn’t have any of it. And the more I responded to him, the harder it was to remain closed off, the harder it became to fight this attraction I didn’t want to deal with.
For a brief moment I debated whether I should just move quietly back inside, and I’d nearly turned and slipped away when Ethan spotted me and yelled, “Sage!”
I fought against the urge to roll my eyes and instead focused on the available seat, not the person sitting next to it. Careful not to trip over anyone, I found my way to the log chair and quietly sat down. The fire was hot, scorching me. It took me a minute or two to realize that the fire wasn’t what was heating me so thoroughly. Certainly I felt the heat from the flames, but my backside was just as warm as the front side. In fact, I’d say my right side, the side furthest from my brother, was the hottest.
I’d been staring into the flames when a bag of marshmallows suddenly landed in my lap. I looked up and glanced around at the faces. Rob caught my eye; he grinned and on the surface it was friendly, maybe too friendly, overtly friendly; there was something in his eye, some look that bothered me. I didn’t want to appear rude though, so I just nodded and quietly said, “Thanks.”
From the corner of my eye I saw Josiah’s hand tighten into a fist. Josiah had big hands — wide, blunt-tipped fingers, the nails trimmed short. I stared at his hands, noting the way the tendons and veins stood out, the coarse hair sprinkled across the backs, and the callouses on his wide palms.
Ethan jolted me out of my mental wandering when he handed me a stick to roast the mallow on. I grinned at him, thankful he’d stopped me before I began to remember the way those big hands had felt on me. I added two mallows to my stick and leaned forward, holding them above the flame for a moment, just letting them brown, and then I stuck them in the flame to finish them off.