Read The Lost Art of Listening Online
Authors: Michael P. Nichols
“So all this time you’ve been thinking that I’m mad at you, and that’s
why you thought I didn’t want to be affectionate. No wonder you’re
upset. You must have been feeling hurt for a long time.”
“You Just Don’t Get It, Do You?”
When one person says, “The world is round,” and the other replies, “No,
it’s flat,” it’s clear that the second person got the first person’s point and
disagreed. But when the subject is more personal, disagreement— without
some acknowledgment of the other person’s point of view—can come
across as invalidating the speaker’s feelings. If people spoke in therapeutic
jargon, they might say “I see what you’re saying, but I don’t agree.” But
since most of us not only don’t speak like self-help manuals but often react
in heat and haste, many conversations take on the form of two-part dis-
harmony.
The simple failure to acknowledge what the other person
says explains much of the friction in our lives.
The more heated the exchange, the more important it is to acknowl-
edge what the other person says. When two people are talking about
something important to them, each feels an urgent need to get his or her
point of view across. Without some acknowledgment, each may continue
to restate his or her position, thinking
If only he [or she] would listen to what
I’m saying, we wouldn’t have to keep arguing like this.
One Friday night, after a long and tedious week, Sheila said, “We
never go out.” “That’s not true!” said Rob, feeling attacked. “We went out
last week.” This just upset Sheila more, and she renewed her attempt to get
Rob to understand what she was feeling. “You mean when we went with
Linda and John for pizza? I don’t call that going out. You never want to do
anything but sit around in front of that stupid TV.” Now Rob was pissed.
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“I work hard all week, and if I want to relax on the couch, what’s so wrong
with that?” By this point Sheila felt completely invalidated. “You just don’t
get it, do you?” Then she went upstairs and slammed the bedroom door.
Maybe you can identify with Sheila. Or Rob. Or both of them. The
choice between going out and vegging out is one that most of us have
feelings about. But what was unfortunate in this quarrel that left both
Sheila and Rob feeling so misunderstood was that neither took the time to
acknowledge the other’s point of view.
You don’t have to be responsible for someone’s feelings
to acknowledge them.
When Sheila said, “We never go out,” she was expressing a feeling—
she’s bored and lonely—and making a request: she wishes that she and
Rob could have a little more fun, do something together, maybe be a little
closer. But something about the way she said it (or he heard it) made Rob
defensive. Instead of showing that he understood what she was feeling,
he just felt criticized. He heard her saying that he was lazy, selfish, unin-
volved—just the things he worries he might be—and so he didn’t listen to
her feelings, much less respond calmly to her request.
Dueling Points of View
When two people keep restating their own positions without acknowledg-
ing what the other one is trying to say, the result is dueling points of view.
One is tempted— especially if one is a therapist—to think of two people
involved in dueling declarations as simply lacking a communication skill,
that of paraphrasing what your conversation partner says before responding.
The trouble with this communication-as-skill perspective is that it leaves
out conflict and anxiety, precisely the things that make understanding one
another so difficult. The partners who don’t acknowledge what each other
says are afraid to. They’re afraid that acknowledging the other’s position
means surrendering—“You’re right and I’m wrong.” Unfortunately, as in
many vicious circles, their efforts to break through to each other by restat-
ing their own positions just locks misunderstanding in place.
When the subject isn’t too emotional, the result is a mildly unsatisfy-
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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER
ing sense of at least having said what you mean, even if the other person
didn’t acknowledge it. But when feeling runs high, dueling declarations
escalate into painful misunderstandings.
Professional advice givers often talk as though couples could get along
fine if only they’d learn “to communicate”—making “I-statements” and all
the rest. That’s nice, but it overlooks the existence of real conflict.
Although they hadn’t really discussed it, Charlotte assumed that
when Hugh finished his PhD they would move back to New York. But
Hugh liked where they were living, and when he announced that he might
take a teaching job at the university, Charlotte felt betrayed.
Because the question of where to live was so important to both of
them, they found it difficult to discuss without disparaging each other’s
point of view. When Hugh presented his arguments for staying, Charlotte
would try to discredit them or say that he had a responsibility to make
up to her the sacrifice she had made in leaving the city for the sake of
his career. He’d respond by talking about the sacrifices he’d made for her.
Later, after months of estrangement, Charlotte said that if at any point in
the process Hugh had acknowledged that she had given up a lot for his
schooling or had said that she would get her turn later, she could have
agreed to stay. But instead of listening and acknowledging her right to
feel the way she did, Hugh responded by saying that his career was more
important than hers.
In another couple who faced the same issue, both wanted to move;
the problem was where. Raymond was an accountant and Joyce was the
dean of women at a small college. Both agreed that since he would be able
to find work more easily, her search for another deanship should be given
priority. Raymond, however, felt strongly about
where
he wanted to live. It
wasn’t so much a regional preference as wanting to live either in a big city
or well out in the country— anything but suburbia, where Lawn Doctor
reigned. And so half the time when Joyce told him that she’d read about
a job opening, he’d respond by saying “I’d never live
there
.” She’d feel
defeated and angry and think he was being totally unreasonable.
Why did Hugh find it necessary to put Charlotte down by saying that
his career was more important than hers? And why did Raymond have to
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reject so many of Joyce’s possibilities so quickly? What made it so hard for
these two husbands to acknowledge what their wives were feeling?
Hugh was apparently afraid that acknowledging Charlotte’s feelings
would automatically lead to giving in and acting on their dictates. Like-
wise, Raymond didn’t seem to have the confidence that he could still say
no to a potential new place after he and Joyce had visited it. Otherwise,
why wouldn’t he agree to at least take a look? Why weren’t these two men
able to listen better to their wives? Is it simply “selfishness” or “mascu-
line insensitivity” or “immaturity” that prevents people from hearing each
other? Maybe Hugh and Raymond had trouble listening to their partners
because they felt anxious and insecure about their own ability to assert
themselves. Maybe we—men and women—always have reasons for not
listening, not understanding one another.
Listening is hard because it involves a loss of control—
and if you’re afraid of what you might hear, it feels
unsafe to relinquish control.
He Says, She Says
He says, “You should have said something,” she says, “You should have
asked,” and neither feels heard. She talks about the things she’d like to
do, and he talks about being tired. He never hears what doing these things
means to her, and she never hears that he hates his job. Arguments esca-
late, feelings go unrecognized, and minds don’t meet as long as we fail to
acknowledge what the other person says before we respond with what we
have to say.
He says, she says—but neither acknowledges
what the other says.
Behavior therapists teach couples to paraphrase what their partners
say before going on to give their side. This is a device to interrupt the
cross- complaining that keeps couples in conflict from ever feeling under-
stood, much less actually doing anything about each other’s complaints. If
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a husband tells his wife that he wishes she would cook something different
for supper, and she complains that he’s impossible to please—and he gets
defensive and withdraws to brood over how unfair she is— neither one of
them will feel understood. This misunderstanding—and many others like
it—has less to do with being unable to resolve conflict than with being
unable to tolerate it. If instead of getting defensive and attacking, either
person would simply acknowledge what the other said, it might not prove
so difficult to come together.
Even when conflict is serious, we all feel better if we can at least say
how we feel—what bothers us, what we wish—and have the other person
say those magic words: “I understand.”
Many of the people I talk to have less than ideal sex lives. Maybe
mine is a biased sample, but most of the people I see who’ve been married
for ten years or more have sex maybe once a month, maybe less. Even
in therapy, few people mention this issue. Not only are they embarrassed
(most people assume that most other people are successful parents and
have happy sex lives), but also they’ve given up hope. Why talk about
something so personal and painful when all their previous efforts have
only made them angry and ashamed?
Once they find the courage to talk about problems in their sexual
relationship, some couples are able to make changes for the better, while
others aren’t. But almost all feel better for talking about it. What makes
them feel better, even if nothing changes, is being able to say how they feel,
what they don’t like, what they wish, and to admit feeling inadequate—
something each partner inevitably feels and generally doesn’t realize the
other one feels.
Why do people need a therapist to have these conversations? They
don’t.
If
they can each say how they feel about the situation, and the other
can hear
and acknowledge
these feelings before going on to say how he or
she feels.
Most of us are reactive when it comes to sex, but some people are
reactive to so many things that they fail to acknowledge what anyone says
about anything. If you complain to such people that they always argue with
everything you say, they may protest that you’re asking them to always
agree with you. They’re not aware that it takes some kind of acknowledg-
ment of what you’re saying for you to feel not agreed with but heard.
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The Importance of Relinquishing Control
As I’ve said, I don’t like to be interrupted in the middle of a story by
someone giving advice I didn’t ask for or “sharing” a similar experience.
Interruption is interruption. What’s missing is some expression of under-
standing, something like “Gee, that’s lousy.” What’s going on in both
cases—and others—is that the listener won’t relinquish control of the
exchange. Many of us are convinced that we’re good listeners because we
say all the right things. But are we? Often the speaker ends up feeling
unheard, because what we’re really doing is going through the motions.
“Why Don’t You Just . . . ?”
A wise supervisor once told me that my treatment of a shy, overweight
young man was bogged down because I was trying to change him before
he felt understood by me. To me it seemed so simple: if the young man
would only make a little effort to initiate conversations with people, at the
same time we explored the roots of his insecurity, he could work toward
change on two fronts. He, however, felt that my suggesting that he simply
start doing what he found so difficult proved that I didn’t understand how
painfully self- conscious he was. The supervisor’s technical recommenda-
tion (which had to do with transference and countertransference) was:
“Shut up and listen.”
A Gaping Silence
If everyone followed my supervisor’s advice, the world would be a better
place. But if listening were only a negative accomplishment, you could con-
centrate (as many therapists, and people playing therapist, do) on simply
not interrupting. Speakers may be gratified at being allowed to say what’s
on their minds but frustrated by the absence of curiosity and apprecia-