“I’m sorry, Patrick,” she sobbed, burying her face into her hands. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
And as much as she hated to admit it, she had cared for Nick. Even though the feelings terrified her, confused her, and excited her all at the same time, there was a place in her heart with his name written on it.
Her heart, the poor thing, was breaking again.
“Mama?”
Justin’s sleep-filled voice caused her to jerk and she quickly wiped at her eyes.
“Hi, baby. Why are you awake?” She asked, her voice thick with tears.
“I heard you yell,” he said, trudging into the bathroom and staring down at her. “Are you okay?”
“Mommy was clumsy and hit her foot against the tub.” It wasn’t a
total
lie. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“It’s okay. I was having a bad dream anyway.”
“Was it about Daddy?” She tightened the towel around her body and patted her lap. “Come here.”
Plopping down on her lap and immediately wrapping his arms around her neck, he peered up at her with those beautiful eyes of his and nodded. “Uh huh.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” she murmured, kissing his forehead. “I’m sorry you had another bad dream.”
Sometimes she hated to ask what those dreams entailed – especially about Patrick. Hearing her son recount the nightmares chiseled away at her soul, and she wished desperately she could keep them from haunting him at night.
They didn’t come as frequently anymore, thank God, but there had been a time when she had to bolt out of bed and run to his room upon hearing his screams, shouting for his daddy. There were a few months in which she let him sleep with her, but the whimpering and tears still paid nightly visits.
I was an idiot for even considering bringing a new man into his life.
“It wasn’t too scary this time,” he said after a brief pause. “Daddy was there and he held my hand. He told me it was going to be okay.”
“He spoke to you this time?” She couldn’t remember a dream like that before. This was new.
“Uh huh. He said that everything would be okay, eventually. He told me to be a good boy and to take care of you. I said, “Daddy, I have been and I do take care of Mama. She’s doing her best to take care of me, too.’” He yawned and rubbed at his eyes, nestling against her. “I told him about how big Sissy’s gotten and that made him happy.”
Tears blurred her vision as she listened to him, trying desperately to imagine the conversation between the two of them. She even felt a little jealous that he’d had a conversation with him.
It was only a dream, you moron. It wasn’t real.
But it seemed so real as Justin rambled on and on, talking about the beautiful lights in the sky and how warm he felt as he walked with his father, talking about school and sports and food.
“Mama?”
“Hm?”
“Do you think maybe when that Nick guy comes back over, he might want to play catch with me?”
Oh, damn it.
Since when did he care about Nick visiting? Why did he suddenly want to play catch with him? How was she supposed to tell him Nick wasn’t coming back?
“Maybe.” The back of her throat began to burn and she forced a smile, nudging her nose against his cheek. “He’s a busy guy these days, especially with the bad weather we’ll be getting soon.”
“I’m not afraid of the weather,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’ll take care of you and Sissy, Mama. Don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried.” Lie. “We’ll be just fine, won’t we?”
“Uh huh.” He nodded, crawling out of her lap. “Is your foot okay, Mama? Do you need to go to the doctor?”
Following his gaze to her angry red toe, she shook her head and laughed. “I think I’ll survive, dumpling.”
“Good. I don’t want you to be hurt, Mama.”
“I’m fine.” Her voice cracked. That damn toe was the least of her worries at the moment, but she wouldn’t burden her son with affairs of the heart. “Run along to bed now, Justin. Auntie Tula will be picking you and Jamie up bright and early.”
“Oh, yeah!” He smiled excitedly. “We’re going to the water park in Aero City. Are my swimming trunks clean?”
“Of course. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t wash your Spiderman swimming trunks?”
“You’d still be the bestest mommy,” he declared, hugging her tightly. “Goodnight, Mama. I love you.”
“I love you, too. With all my heart.”
Watching him disappear from the room and listening to his retreating footsteps, she waited for the house to fall silent again before her head fell back against the wall and she closed her eyes.
“Do you think maybe when that Nick guy comes back over, he might want to play catch with me?”
What the hell was she supposed to do?
——————
M
orning came much earlier than she wanted. After only three hours of sleep, completely restless at that, she was woken by the sound of the baby monitor.
“I’m coming, Jamie,” she grumbled, forcing herself out of bed. Staggering towards the door, she rubbed at her eyes feverishly and yawned. “Hold on, baby.”
It took every last ounce of energy she had to greet the day with a smile – and she also didn’t want her daughter to sense her sadness. Though Jamie was still quite young and mostly oblivious to the world around her, she could sense things.
Changing her little girl’s clothes and taking her down for breakfast, she listened to the delighted gurgles and giggles of her daughter while she prepared breakfast. Justin would be up soon and then it wouldn’t be long before Tula came knocking.
Now, more than ever, she was grateful to have a friend who had children. If anyone would understand her ordeal, surely it was Tula.
But she is still happily married and there’s no issue of a new man entering her kids’ lives
, she thought, stirring the pan of homemade gravy she was trying desperately not to burn.
What advice can she possibly give me?
Well, for starters, Tula
was
a very famous author. She’d written lots of stories; surely some of them came from experience and research.
But I still don’t see how that can help me with this situation.
She was definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it was the stupidest circumstances on Earth. How the hell had Justin gone from giving Nick the stink eye, to wanting to play catch with him?
“Kids,” she mumbled, turning off the burner. “God, it’ll be the death of me.”
And, of course, stupid Nick
had
to come to mind.
How many times had she thought the same thing about him? Every time she was on the brink of an orgasm, writhing against his mouth and begging for more, she thought he’d kill her, too.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smarter.
“I won’t do it.” What a wise decision. Even if Justin begged her, she would not let Nick set foot on her property again. Letting him become buddy-buddy with her boy would not be an option.
He did it to himself.
And poor Devin! He had no idea what Nick was doing behind his back. They had both been played, and foolishly so.
Maybe I should talk to him.
She did feel terrible for the guy. He was having a hard enough time getting back on his feet without having an unfaithful lover to boot. Someone had to talk some sense into him, right?
“But why does it have to be me?” She groaned, pressing her forehead against the freezer door and squeezing her eyes shut. “It always comes back to me, somehow.”
“Mom, mom, mom!” Jamie cooed. Sitting in her high chair and munching on cereal, Kelly had forgotten she was listening. “Mom!”
“Sorry, sweetie. Mommy may be having a mental breakdown.” Turning to gaze at her, she smiled sadly. “Do me a favor and never get involved with a handsome boy when you’re older, huh? They’re nothing but trouble.”
Jamie gurgled and grinned.
“And listen to me, talking to you about grown-up things when we should be talking about cartoon characters or learning to say something other than ‘Mom’.”
Drool slid down Jamie’s chin as she laughed, smacking her palms against her tabletop.
She’s so easily amused,
Kelly crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue, earning another cackle from her girl.
“Morning, Mama.” Justin entered the kitchen fully dressed, handsome as could be. “What’s for breakfast?”
“Biscuits and gravy, sugar. Have a seat.” She smooched his head as he passed by and winked in Jamie’s direction. “Tula should be here in about half an hour. Are you excited?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty excited. Skylar said they have a ginormous slide that spins round and round as you go down. I want to try that.”
“My fearless little explorer.” Preparing a plate for him, she brought it to the table and eased down beside him, studying his face. “Can I ask you something, honey?”
He scooped a spoonful of food into his mouth and nodded. “Uh huh.”
“What made you change your mind about Nick? Why do you want to play catch with him?”
What happened to not thinking about that asshole?
“Well,” he started, chewing and swallowing. “Carla Dawson said her mommy got a new boyfriend a while back and he was real nice. She likes him a lot.”
“I see.”
“Yep, and he does all kinds of cool stuff with her. She says he’s lots better than her first daddy ever was.”
“But you don’t believe anyone would ever be better than your daddy, do you?” Her heart sank a little.
“’Course not, Mama. Nobody will ever be as best as my daddy was. I just thought maybe Nick might be nice and play catch with me. I miss doing that with Daddy.”
“I know you do, Sweetheart.” Her heart lodged in her throat as she remembered the countless evenings she’d watched Patrick in the backyard with Justin, teaching him how to play football. They had spent so many hours in that backyard, all of them, as a family.
I miss doing things with him, too.
“So do you think it would be okay then?” His eyes, so full of hope, peered at her. “Maybe he could help me finish building my tree house?”
Oh, God.
“We’ll talk about it another time, okay?”
“But I really want to—”
“
Another
time, Justin.” Her response came out harsher than she intended and he flinched. Sucking in a deep, calming breath, she rested a hand atop his. “Right now you need to finish eating and go grab your swimming trunks.”
“Okay.” He dropped his gaze to his plate and nodded.
“Thank you.”
Getting up from the table and hurrying back into the living room, she placed a hand over her mouth and muffled a sob.
That damn tree house was what got Patrick killed in the first place.
He’d gone to pick up some carpet for the inside of Justin’s future hideout, and that was the last time she’d seen him alive.
“I’ll be back in about an hour, babe. I have to hurry to the hardware store before it closes. Maybe if I’m lucky I can have that tree house finished before summer is over.”
“You and your need to stay on top of projects.” She tiptoed to kiss him and patted his cheek. “Justin’s going to love it so much.”
“I hope so.” Patrick gazed down at her, a twinkle in his eyes. “Every little boy deserves a tree house, Kel; rope ladder included.”
“You spoil our children, Patrick Spencer.”
“And I spoil you, too, Wife.” He leaned down and kissed her again, groaning softly. “God, you taste good. What is that? Strawberries?”
“Mhm. And I’ve got some whipped cream in the fridge, too.” She waggled her eyebrows. “And a new bottle of wine.”
“Oh, baby. What’s the occasion?” He asked, sliding a hand down to rest against her hip.
“Just because,” she replied, shrugging. “Are you sure you have to get that carpet tonight? Can’t it wait until tomorrow?”
“I wish.” He bumped the tip of his nose against hers lightly. “But I really want to finish the tree house soon and I need that carpet. Justin’s going to love it.” He smiled proudly. “Plus, Mr. Laveau said he can’t hold it for me. If somebody gets that carpet before I do, I may throw a fit.”
“Aw, my poor baby,” she teased, poking his ribs. “I don’t want you to throw a fit. Go get your precious carpet.”
“Thank you.” He pecked at her lips again. “And when I get home, it’s you, me, those strawberries, and some wine. Okay?”
“I’m holding you to it, Husband. I’ll be waiting.”
Stealing another kiss, he winked at her, as he had done countless times. “I love you, Kel. I’ll be back soon.”
If she had known that they were sharing their last kiss that night, she would have made it last longer.
Or she would have stopped him from going altogether. But, unfortunately, she couldn’t see into the future and neither one of them could have possibly known the tragedy awaiting them.
“I’m so sorry, Kelly,” the sheriff said, gripping his hat tightly between his hands. “It appears he got behind a tow truck and the driver switched the strobe lights on unexpectedly. It must’ve brought on a seizure and he lost control of the car. If there’s anything I can do...”
Her poor Patrick.
He hadn’t had a seizure since high school. How could they have known that it would happen? Why did that tow truck driver have to turn his lights on when her husband was driving behind him?
It was a question she often found herself wondering about.
Why?
A knock sounded on the door, loud and persistent, and it jarred her from the clutch of her mind. It was worrisome how often she got lost in those thoughts, those memories. It wasn’t healthy and she knew it.
Sighing, she ambled to the door and opened it up, surprised to find Nick standing there.
“Oh no,” she mumbled, glaring at him. “What do you want?”
“I want to talk to you,” he said, gazing at her intently. “Please don’t say no, Kelly – this is really important.”
“Is it now?” Leaning against the doorframe, she crossed her arms over her chest and hoped he could see how angry she truly was. If looks really could kill, or at least maim, she wanted him to feel it.
“Very.” He took a step forward as if to enter, but she quickly blocked him.
“What do you think you’re doing?”