Authors: Marc Buhmann
Emily hesitated. “Will you be okay if…?”
Claire waited for her to finish, saw she was going to let the words linger. “I’ll be fine. Just me and Earl here.” She held up the cup with a smile. Though she wanted something stronger than tea she’d be hard pressed to find something in the house. Emily had cleared out all the booze while she’d been in the hospital; the place was alcohol free at the moment.
“Okay then.”
Ask her. Ask her about the test.
Claire watched Emily put on her coat and realized she and Emily hadn’t actually talked recently. They didn’t even eat together anymore. When had things gone astray?
Why do you have a pregnancy test?
“Emily?”
“Yes?” her daughter said as she perked up.
“Could you come here a moment please?”
Emily stepped into the room, and Claire gestured to the seat next to her. “Sit,” she said and turned off the TV. Emily did apprehensively.
“Am I in trouble?”
“No.” Claire reached out and stroked Emily’s cheek tenderly. “I just realized we haven’t really… talked… in a while. I miss that.”
“Okay…”
“How is school going? I haven’t heard anything from your teachers, so I assume everything is good?”
“Peachy.”
Silence fell between them. Had she distanced herself so much she couldn’t have a normal conversation with her daughter? She was happy to see she still wore the necklace she’d given her, a necklace she’d received from her neighbor Mrs. Rottingham when she was eight. What with her parents always gone for work the gesture had meant a great deal to her. She and her husband watched her a lot and always treated her as if she were their own. It was when her family packed up and moved that Mrs. Rottingham had given it to her, telling her to wear it always for good luck. And she had. Every day she wore it until she’d given it to Emily after her father had left.
“I realize I haven’t been a great parent, especially as of late, and I don’t really know what’s going on in your life right now. How’s Dylan doing?”
“Dylan? We broke up like two months ago.”
Claire’s mouth dropped and she covered it with her hand. “Oh baby! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know—”
Emily forced a smile. “I know you didn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
A sad nervous laugh escaped Emily. “Where is this coming from? You haven’t been interested in anything I do in a while. Why suddenly now?”
Claire hadn’t thought about it. “I think it’s because of what happened.”
“You said it wasn’t a big deal. Now it is?”
“That’s not… no. I mean—”
“If you suddenly want to get chummy after you died—”
“Nearly died.”
“I’d say it was a pretty big fucking deal.”
“Emily!” She’d never heard her use that language before.
Emily pushed herself up. “I’ll be back by ten.”
“Emily,” Claire said following her to the front door. “Please wait.” She felt an emptiness in her heart, the pressure of remorse. She felt she’d lost Emily and hadn’t even realized it. That was something she was going to have to fix. After Devon, she couldn’t lose her daughter too.
Emily opened the door and turned to her mother. “I love you mom, I really do, but don’t pretend to care.” She leaned in and gave Claire a quick peck on the cheek then left. Thirty-seconds later Emily drove off past a red Nissan parked on the opposite side of the street. Claire stood there a while—unsure what to do—feeling ashamed, alone, and abandoned.
* * *
Beth had greeted Willem warmly with a hug. She asked where his bags were, that he was more than welcome to stay with them, Willem feigned appreciation and told her he’d already checked into a hotel. Yes this was his family, but it was a family he hadn’t seen in a decade, and with Elliott as sick as he was Willem didn’t want to be a burden on Beth. He’d always liked her, and while she put on a brave front he could see the sorrow in her eyes.
When Willem first saw Elliott he was surprised his brother wasn’t already dead. He was too thin, too frail, and his pale skin hung loose on its frame. His brown hair was gone, and if someone thought he looked like a walking skeleton that’d be kind. But what Elliott lacked in looks he made up for in spirit. Even at the end of life, be it days or hours, Elliott still managed to smile and put those visiting at ease.
Elliott turned his head when Willem entered the room and, upon seeing him, smiled weakly. He waved him over and Willem obliged, bending down to embrace the worn man before him. “It’s good to see you,” Elliott said quietly. “It’s really good to see you.”
And then Willem felt tears running down his cheeks. Whatever had happened between them was irrelevant. What mattered was the here and now, this moment. All was forgiven in that instant.
When Willem pulled away Elliott was grinning. “Knock it off you big baby.”
He laughed and wiped away the tears.
“Would you like something to drink, Willem?” Beth asked from the door. Judging by Elliott’s reaction he’d forgotten she was there too. Willem looked sheepishly at her. “Coffee, if you have any made.”
“Sure.” Beth pulled the door so that it was almost closed giving the two men privacy.
“Sit.” Elliott gestured to a desk chair. “Bring that closer.”
Willem obliged. “How are you feeling?” he asked as he sat.
“Like I’ve had my ass kicked half way to Timbuktu.”
“You’re not on morphine or anything?”
“I was, but it made me sluggish and stupid. I’d rather be alert and in pain over not knowing who is who and what is what. You look good, by the way. A little round around the pants though.” His tone was in jest.
Shrugging, Willem said, “I’m doing alright. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Aside from curing cancer?”
“Aside from that,” Willem said with a half-hearted smile.
“Then no. There’s not much more to do now but wait for the inevitable.”
“Still one for dramatics I see.”
“Indubitably.” He laughed. “It makes me sound smarter than I actually am. Surprisingly, I think I’ve fooled most everyone.”
“Except me.”
“Except you.”
“And probably Beth.”
“And Beth.”
“And your kids?”
“Oh shut up.”
They chuckled together like they had so often as boys.
“I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch for so long,” Willem said. “It shouldn’t have been that way.”
“It’s not your fault alone. I was just as stubborn and stupid and could have picked up the phone anytime. I’d rather not go over all that. Let bygones be bygones, as they say.”
Elliott grabbed a tissue and coughed into it, wincing in pain. He didn’t complain. There was a knock at the door then it opened. Beth handed Willem his coffee.
“Thank you,” he said. Beth nodded, walked away.
When he was sure she was out of earshot, Elliott said, “I don’t know how she’s doing it. If our roles were reversed I’d be a basket case. I keep trying to picture what my life would be like without her and I can’t. We’ve had so many good times together, so many good experiences—how would I be able to go on without her?”
Willem said nothing. This was an emotion he could only pretend to understand. How would one feel if someone you’ve loved unconditionally for thirty-plus years was suddenly gone? Complete and total loss, he supposed. That was a feeling he’d rather not experience. Ever.
Elliott recited, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’”
“And you believe it?”
“Without a doubt. Out of curiosity, why didn’t you ever marry?”
“I never met the right person,” responded Willem without hesitating.
“What a bullshit answer. Any single person who’s never married always says that.”
“It’s true,” Willem said quietly.
Elliott patted Willem’s knee. “Well, there is still time. Plenty of people marry late in the game. Nothing wrong with that.”
“You make it sound like I’ve never loved anybody.”
“Have you?”
“Of course.”
“Who?”
When Willem said nothing, Elliott continued. “You have to break out of your comfort zone sometime, Willem. You can’t stay locked up in your house forever.”
“I’m not locked up…”
“I’m just saying.” He coughed again.
Elliott fixated on the window, and they sat in silence enjoying each others presence. Willem was about to excuse himself to use the bathroom when Elliott said, “You see death on a regular basis, right? Do you have any advice for me?”
It was then Willem realized his big brother had lied: he hadn’t accepted what was coming, the inevitable end. He was afraid, terrified even. He was just putting on a brave face to make it easier for those he loved. He didn’t want them to be afraid, so he chose that path to walk alone. He suffered in hopes of expediting the process, to stop the fear and pain. Understanding his brother’s situation strengthened his belief in euthanasia further. Fuck morals: if it ended ones pain and suffering just a little sooner then why not?
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I don’t either,” responded Elliott. “What would you tell a patient?”
“I’m not a doctor, Elliott. I don’t see patients.”
“Whatever it is you call them then. What would you say?”
Willem sighed. “I’d tell them to keep fighting, that they have something to live for. That’s what I would tell them.”
Elliott gently nodded. “Something to live for, huh?”
There was another lull in the conversation, but Willem didn’t mind. It gave his brother time to rest and time for him to reflect. When he thought Elliott had fallen asleep he stood.
“I thought you wanted to talk about Sam. Isn’t that why you really came here?”
Willem turned to Elliott who still had his eyes closed. “It’s nothing. It can wait.”
He opened them. “No it can’t.”
He doesn’t have much time,
Willem realized and sat.
“Earlier today—the reason I called you as a matter of fact—is that I met a boy at the bridge. He was trying to teach himself to fish with a gift his dad had gotten him. I don’t know the circumstances, I don’t know why, but his dad wasn’t there teaching him, and I could see it bothered him.”
“And that made you think of how dad treated you.”
“Well, yeah. I still have no idea where it came from. I remember a time he was a good and loving father, but then at some point he changed. Maybe it’s just me, but I remember I seemed to be the focus of his anger. He never seemed to have that with you or Sam.”
“I wish I had an answer for you, Willem. I really do. But…” He grabbed a tissue and coughed several times into it. “Even mom didn’t know what was up.”
“You want to know what’s really sad? As much as I’ve been thinking of Sam, I can only remember the events. I’m having a hard time remembering what he looked like.”
Elliott pushed himself up and pointed to a box sitting on a dresser. “Grab that.” Willem picked up the box and handed it to Elliott. Inside were photos of all sizes, some color, others black and white. “Beth found these a while back in the attic.” He shuffled through the pictures, pausing on a few but not offering them to Willem, before settling on one. “Here,” he said.
Willem took it. The black and white photo was of a young boy sitting in tall grass playing with several army figures. His eyes were squinted as he looked at the photographer, probably because of the sun.
“Ghosts only haunt our pasts, Willem,” Elliott sighed. He leaned back and closed his eyes. “Sometimes I wish we could go back to our former lives. You know? Back when all you needed was a box for your secrets.” The words came out slurred and tired.
“I’ll come and visit tomorrow. Okay?”
Elliott nodded, never opening his eyes. “Tomorrow.”
Willem stood and went to the door. “Willem?” He looked at his brother wishing they’d made amends years ago.
“Yes?”
Elliott met Willem’s eyes. “It was good seeing you again.”
Willem smiled. “You too.”
And then he closed the door, not knowing if he’d see his brother again.
* * *
Beth was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. She stared vacantly out a window. The carpeted stairs muffled Willem’s descent and it wasn’t until he touched her shoulder did she acknowledge him with a flinch. She smiled sadly and patted his hand.
“He’s resting,” Willem said.
She sighed and stood, stretching her back. “Good.”
“How are you doing?” Willem wanted to know.
“To be honest I’m tired and worn out.”
“Where are the kids?”
“They’ve been flying back and forth on a rotation. Gregory left this morning, and Margaret is flying in tonight.” He must have given her a condescending look. “Don’t,” she said, cocking her head. “I want no sympathy. It’s been hard, I won’t lie, and this is not how I thought our lives would end up, but life is full of uncertainties. Best to deal with these sorts of things on a day-by-day basis.”