The M Word (16 page)

She and Kelly exchanged Christmas ornaments
as they had every year since they were twelve. Kelly asked, “What
was your favorite gift this year?”

Brenda smiled and held up the box she had
received from Kelly only minutes before. “Obviously, this.”

Kelly smiled. Ironically, they had both given
each other ornaments that referred to their recent weddings. Kelly
had bought one with a miniature couple holding hands and she had
bought Kelly a glass snowflake with the words “Our First Christmas
Together” and the year etched on it.

Brenda turned to Lars. “What was your
favorite gift?”

Lars glanced down at Kelly with adoration. “A
teddy bear.”

Kelly returned his smile, then explained to
Brenda, “I bought one for Lars and one for Danny.”

That evening as they were getting ready for
bed, Marius commented, “Lars and Kelly are very happy together.
They seem as if they’ve been married a long time, rather than just
a few months.”

Brenda nodded. “They’ve known each other for
eight years, and they’ve always been good friends.”

“In eight years, I hope we are as close as
they are,” Marius said and smiled at her.

Brenda didn’t say anything. Her throat was
too tight. But she refused to ruin Christmas. Instead she walked up
to Marius and put her arms around him.
One last time
, she
told herself. And kissed him.

#

In the morning, she woke and dressed for
work. She joined Marius in the living room. He was doing his early
morning stretches. Although it was technically still a holiday and
he didn’t have to report to the University, he liked to keep on
schedule. He’d told her once that his body and his voice did better
when he followed a disciplined routine. He glanced at her as she
came into the room.

You can do this, she told herself.

She said briskly, “You remember the temporary
manager position in Oklahoma?”

Marius balanced himself on one leg.
“Yes.”

“Well, I’m taking it, and I’ll be moving up
there this weekend.”

Marius looked at her blankly. “I don’t
understand.”

“I’m leaving you, Marius. It’s not forever,
hopefully, but it’s six months, and I think it will be a good
breather for both of us.”

Marius was dumbfounded. “What? Does this have
something to do with Steven?”

That would be a convenient lie, but she
couldn’t be that cruel, to make him think that she had rejected him
for another man. “No. I didn’t want to say anything before
Christmas, but the holidays are over now, and I need to do what’s
best for me.”

“But I thought we were happy together.”

“We have been,” Brenda agreed. “But I think a
relationship should be built on honesty and trust.”

“What are you talking about?”

She’d thought it about it for days, and she
had to use a reason that would make sense. “Your green card,
Marius. When did you get it?”

#

The green card?
Marius felt as if he
had walked into a movie halfway through. This entire conversation
didn’t make sense.

“When did you get it?” Brenda repeated.

“This past week,” he said quickly. “I meant
to tell you, but with the holidays and all my practicing, it
slipped my mind.”

“It slipped your mind?” Brenda laughed
derisively.

Perhaps that wasn’t technically correct. It
hadn’t slipped his mind, but he had avoided the issue, fearing that
mentioning it would cause the kind of discussion he now found
himself in.

“When were you planning to tell me -- on our
tenth wedding anniversary?”

“I never said I was marrying you for a green
card.”

“No, but you knew that’s what I thought.”

Deep in his heart, he had known that, and
he’d used it to his advantage to get what he wanted, to marry her.
“I’m sorry. I should have explained my situation.”

“How did you get it -- you’re not married to
someone else, are you?”

Marius flinched. “I’m not Steven.”

Brenda paled, but her voice remained steady.
“No. He was a lying, cheating, manipulative scumbag. I’m assuming
that you at least have been faithful to me.”

“I have.”

“So your only problem is not being completely
and totally honest.”

Was anyone ever completely honest? “Let me
explain,” he began desperately.

“Go ahead.” She folded her hands in front of
herself defensively. “I’ll try to listen.”

He sent a quick prayer heavenward. “I have a
diversity visa.” At her look of incomprehension, he added, “It’s
like a lottery. People from different countries apply and every
year, fifty thousand get permanent resident status.”

“When did you know about this?”

“I knew I was eligible in May.”

“Before I proposed.”

“Yes, but there was no guarantee. I had to
fill out forms, be interviewed.”

“And yet, you decided to keep this
information from me.”

“Until it was finalized, yes. But I did tell
you that you didn’t need to worry about my visa. My student visa
was still in effect, and even if I didn’t get the diversity visa, I
probably could have gotten another visa later, based on employment
and my college degree.”

She sank down into one of the kitchen chairs.
“So you didn’t really need me at all.”

“Not for a visa, no. And I told you
that.”

“I must not have been listening.” She looked
at him sharply. “If you didn’t need to marry me -- why did
you?”

Now was the time to be completely honest. No
more provocation. “Because I loved you, Brenda.”

“You didn’t even know me. I was practically a
stranger. How could you love me?”

“I loved you from the moment I first saw
you.”

“That’s crazy.”

“I know,” he admitted. “But that’s how I
felt. It was like a bolt of lightning to my heart. Suddenly you
were there and there was no room for anyone else.”
Please
believe me,
he thought desperately.

Brenda’s eyes narrowed. “I think too much
Opera has messed up your mind.”

“But I do love you,” he repeated, approaching
her. “And I think you’re beginning to love me.”

She held up her hand to stop him. “No, it’s
too much. You’re a nice guy, but you’re too intense. You’re
smothering me. I feel trapped.”

He took a step backwards. “If you don’t like
the words, I won’t use them. We’ll be friends and have the
practical marriage you wanted.”

Brenda hesitated, and for a few seconds he
hoped that she would accept his plan. But then she glanced at her
watch, and she was cool and professional again. “I’m sorry. I’m
running late.” She reached for her purse.

“What about getting pregnant?” Marius asked.
“Don’t you still want a baby?”

“Yes, but not right now.” She smiled faintly.
“Actually, one of the good things about separating now is that we
don’t have any children to worry about.”

There was nothing good about separating.

She walked toward the door as if was this was
a normal morning, instead of the worst day of his life. “We can
talk about this more tonight, but I’m still going to Oklahoma.”

Don’t go, he thought, but didn’t dare say it.
Had he ruined his chances with her by baring his soul?
I love
you, Brenda. My heart will die if you go.

#

Over the next two days, Brenda spent as much
time as she could away from home, and when she was home, she
avoided Marius by going to the guest room. She spoke with him a
little, but only to lay down the law on their separation. She told
him she didn’t want a divorce, she just needed time away from him.
In a few months, after the MET competition, after she’d worked in
Oklahoma, they could meet up again and decide their future.

She hoped that they would have a future
together, but she didn’t want to be his wife if it was going to
ruin his career. He deserved better than that.

He asked if he could call her, and she said
“please no, just email me now and then.” If she heard his voice,
she knew she’d weaken and return.

He tried to apologize again for not telling
her about the green card, but she dismissed it with a terse,
“That’s water under the bridge now.”

When he saw that he couldn’t change her mind,
he stopped talking about it. When it was time to say good-bye, he
kissed her briefly and asked her to let him know when she arrived
safely.

He was a kind man. Obviously too good for
her. It would be much easier to leave him if he were a jerk like
Steven.

Once Brenda was out of sight from the house,
she cried. Before whenever she broke up with a man, she’d go out
with friends and get drunk. But she didn’t want a drink now. She
needed a clear head to do what she had to do.

That evening, she made one last phone call to
Kelly.

“What’s up?” Kelly asked.

“I’m headed off to Oklahoma.”

“For how long?”

“Six months.”

Kelly gasped. “Why?”

“It’s a good job opportunity, to show I can
be a manager,” Brenda said.

“But what about Marius? Is he going with
you?”

This was the tricky part. “No, he needs to
take his classes and prepare for the singing competition.”

“But you’ll come down and visit.”

“No. I’m taking a break. From my marriage.
From Dallas.”

Kelly was quiet for a moment. “Brenda, this
doesn’t sound good.”

Brenda tried to keep her voice light. “I
know, but we got married too quickly. Over Christmas, I realized
that I needed to spend some time alone, to figure out what I really
want.”

“Sounds like a midlife crisis.”

“I think I had that when I shaved my head and
married Marius in the first place.”

“But he’s wonderful.”

Brenda’s throat tightened. “I know. But I’m
not. I’m a mess.”

“Not always,” Kelly said quickly.

Brenda laughed. Kelly meant well, but the
longer they conversed, the more Brenda knew that it was unwise to
continue. If she talked to Kelly, she’d end up telling her
everything, and Kelly would weaken her resolve. She’d confess her
love for Marius, all her fears, and Kelly would convince her to
return to him. She could almost hear it now.

Your love is more important than his
singing.

But Kelly hadn’t heard Marius explain that he
lived to sing. To him, it was more important than speaking. He’d
prepared for years to be where he was now.

So Brenda would have to be strong. “And
there’s another thing. I need to cut all my ties to Dallas. Even
with you.”

“What?”

“I need to know that I can stand on my
own.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“For a while, I’m not going to answer your
phone calls or emails or texts. I need to be completely alone.”

“But why?”

Brenda scrambled to find an excuse that would
keep Kelly from contacting her. “Well, this isn’t nice, but I’m
jealous of you, and I don’t like that, so I’m going to keep my
distance.”

“Jealous? Of Lars?”

“No. Danny,” Brenda said flatly. “Every time
I see you holding your baby, I feel lousy. It’s not very mature,
but that’s what I’m feeling right now.”

“Wow,” Kelly said weakly. “I’m sorry.”

“So am I.” Brenda sighed. “But it won’t be
forever. I’ll be gone six months, and hopefully by then I will have
grown up some.”

“Oh, Brenda,” Kelly said. “This is worse than
cutting your hair.”

I know.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Marius thought of Brenda continually through
the day. He relived the few months of their marriage, wishing he
had handled conversations differently, wondering if it would have
made a difference. He did his job at the University and practiced
his singing, but he felt as if he were merely going through the
motions. He prayed and tried to follow his own advice of not
worrying. But what would he do, if in a few months Brenda didn’t
want to come back to him?

What if she found someone else?

Francesca scolded him. “Marius. What is wrong
with you today?”

Marius knew he couldn’t bring Brenda back if
she refused to come. He needed to be patient and do the job at hand
-- winning the National Council Audition, if he could.

#

January was chillier in Oklahoma than Texas,
and Brenda found the wind worse. But she went to work, exercised to
the point of exhaustion, and zoned out watching operas on DVD until
she fell asleep at night. She tried not to think every minute about
the people she had left behind in Dallas.

Marius wrote her an email, telling her he had
done well at the Regional competition and would be going to New
York for the semi-finals. Brenda drafted more than a dozen
responses and deleted them. Finally, after three days, she sent
back a terse, “Congratulations. Wishing you all the best.”

In mid-January she started throwing up.

At first she thought she’d caught stomach
flu, but after a week she took a pregnancy test.

God had been listening, but his timing was
awful.

She was pregnant.

She must have gotten pregnant right before
she left Marius. She wanted to tell him, and Kelly, and her
parents, but knew that if she did, it would undermine the purpose
of leaving Marius. He needed time to focus on his singing, without
any distractions from her.

If all went well, she’d tell him later, after
the final competition in March.

Part of her was thrilled to be pregnant.
She’d wanted a baby for so long, but she was scared, too.

Would she be a good mother?

Would she and Marius become a family?

She wondered if he missed her or if he were
secretly relieved that she was gone. He had thought he loved her,
but if he didn’t see her, would he forget her?

She was cynical enough to think that even
Alfredo would forget Violetta in time. He would grieve for a while,
but eventually he would marry a nice, respectable girl that his
family liked. He’d have children and be happy, only occasionally
remembering the courtesan who had died in his arms. There was a
reason no one wanted to see
La Traviata: The Sequel.