The Marriage Book (8 page)

“A LETTER OF ADVICE, FROM A FATHER TO HIS ONLY DAUGHTER, IMMEDIATELY AFTER HER MARRIAGE,” 1822

The following letter, never definitively dated but alternately attributed to the patriot Patrick Henry; to Bishop James Madison, president of the College of William & Mary; and simply to “a father,” was reprinted countless times (the version below was the earliest we could find). In 1834, the editors of the
Southern Literary Messenger
prefaced its own reprint by suggesting that the advice offered was admirable enough to warrant even an annual publication, urging all women—whether married or hoping to be—to heed it. Still, the editors added: “Let it not be understood, however, that we are believers in the doctrine, that the pleasures of the matrimonial voyage are wholly dependent upon the conduct of the lady. She is but the second in command, and still greater responsibilities rest upon him who stands at the helm and guides the frail bark of human happiness.”

The first maxim, which you should impress most deeply upon your mind, is never to attempt to control your husband by opposition, by displeasure, or any other mark of anger. A man of sense, of prudence, of warm feelings, cannot, and will not bear an opposition of any kind, which is attended with an angry look or expressions.—The current of his affections is suddenly stopped; his attachment is weakened; he begins to feel a mortification the most pungent; he is belittled even in his own eyes; and be assured, the wife who once excites those sentiments in the breast of her husband, will never regain the high ground which she might, and ought to have retained—When he marries her, if he be a good man, he expects from her smiles, not frowns; he expects to find in her one who is not to control him, not to take from him the freedom of acting as his own judgment shall direct; but one who will place such confidence in him, as to believe that his own prudence is his best guide. Little things which, in reality, are mere trifles in themselves often produce bickerings and even quarrels. Never permit them to be a subject of dispute. Yield them with pleasure, with a smile of affection. Be assured that one difference outweighs them all, a thousand or ten thousand times. A difference, in reality, with your husband, ought to be considered as the greatest calamity, as one that is to be most studiously guarded against; it is a demon, which must never be permitted to enter a habitation, where all should be peace, unimpaired confidence and heartfelt affection. Besides, what can a woman gain by her opposition, or her differences?—Nothing. But she loses everything; she loses her husband’s respect for her virtues; she loses his love, and with that, all prospects of future happiness.

THOMAS HILL

HILL’S MANUAL OF SOCIAL AND BUSINESS FORMS
, 1879

Thomas Edie Hill (1832–1915) started out teaching penmanship, moved on to publishing Illinois’s weekly
Aurora Herald
, and, in 1873, put out the first edition of
Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms
. While subtitled “A Guide to Correct Writing” and offering diagrams of the proper way to hold a pen, the book also included tips on geography, cooking, poetry, and weddings. By 1879 (and as far forward as 1921), subsequent versions featured this marital advice, under the heading “Etiquette Between Husbands and Wives.”

Let the rebuke be preceded by a kiss.

Do not require a request to be repeated.

Never should both be angry at the same time.

Never neglect the other, for all the world beside.

Let each strive to always accommodate the other.

Let the angry word be answered only with a kiss.

Bestow your warmest sympathies in each other’s trials.

Make your criticism in the most loving manner possible.

Make no display of the sacrifices you make for each other.

Never make a remark calculated to bring ridicule upon the other.

Never deceive; confidence, once lost, can never be wholly regained.

Always use the most gentle and loving words when addressing each other.

Let each study what pleasure can be bestowed upon the other during the day.

Always leave home with a tender good-bye and loving words. They may be the last.

Consult and advise together in all that comes within the experience and sphere of each individuality.

Never reproach the other for an error which was done with a good motive and with the best judgment at the time.

OGDEN NASH

“A WORD TO HUSBANDS,” 1931

Ogden Nash (1902–1971) was not always this economical in his verse (see
Wives, How to Keep
), but was frequently this blunt.

To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

OLD JOKE

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

JAMES THURBER, 1932

The story goes that it was E. B. White who rescued a doodle drawn by James Thurber (1894–1961) of a seal on a rock. The seal was looking at two dots in the distance. The caption was “Hm, explorers.” The drawing—like so many others that White had submitted to
The New Yorker
’s cartoon department on Thurber’s behalf—was rejected, but eventually Thurber redrew the seal, turned the rock into a headboard when it didn’t look enough like a rock, and wrote the caption that made the cartoon so funny and so famous.

“All right, have it your way—you heard a seal bark!”

A. P. HERBERT

“TWENTY-FIVE YEARS HAPPILY MARRIED,” 1940

Novelist, playwright, lyricist, and member of Parliament, Sir Alan Patrick Herbert (1890–1971) also introduced the Matrimonial Causes Act of 1937, which allowed divorces to be granted without proof of adultery. London’s
News Chronicle
printed this column on the occasion of his and his wife’s twenty-fifth anniversary.

The Herberts were married for fifty-seven years, until his death.

It is customary, I know, for the happy pair on such occasions to let it be understood that for twenty-five years “We have never had a cross word.” I am not going to be guilty of any such nonsense. We have had frightful rows. We are quite capable of having a frightful row tomorrow. But here we are!

Indeed, to me, the conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word is absurd and suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in the sheep. Where there is spirit there must be sparks.

EVELYN MILLIS DUVALL AND REUBEN HILL

“WAYS OF HANDLING CONFLICT,” 1945

Sociologists Evelyn Millis Duvall (1906–1998) and Reuben Hill (1912–1985) collaborated on a textbook called
When You Marry
that was used in home economics programs for at least a decade. This was a quiz to enlighten couples about destructive versus productive approaches to conflict. Difficult though it may be to believe that any one of these statements was considered “productive,” half were.

Ready for the answers? Destructive: 1, 3, 5, 8. Productive: 2, 4, 6, 7.

Which of the following excerpts suggest destructive and which productive quarreling?

1. “You aren’t fit to be a mother, leaving the baby all week with strangers.”

2. “Why didn’t someone tell me marriage would be like this, cooking and ironing and scrubbing all day?”

3. “You will never amount to anything and neither will we as long as we depend on you to support us, you loafer.”

4. “This is the last time I’m waiting for you for supper; after this you’ll get your own or come on time.”

5. “You aren’t the man I married. What did I ever see in you? Oh, I could just die.”

6. “You sit home all day reading or go out to some catty dame’s bridge club and leave the house like a pig pen.”

7. “Get a cookbook, sister, get a book and start studying. This is the last lousy meal I’m eating here, understand?”

8. “Darling, you must put on your rubbers. You aren’t so young as you were.”

CLIFFORD ADAMS

PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE
, 1951

Clifford Adams (1902–1987) was a Penn State psychology professor and marriage counselor who predicted (correctly) that the U.S. divorce rate would reach roughly 50 percent by 1975. His advice (see also
Grievances
) focused to a large extent on the reasons for unhappy marriages (such as differing religions, women’s higher education, and Hollywood-fueled expectations), and he offered the following tips to help couples avoid conflict.

• Make sure you both get enough sleep, not just once in a while, but as a matter of routine.

• Get up early enough in the morning to insure a peaceful start on the day, including a leisurely breakfast and a margin for last-minute emergencies.

• Avoid racing with the clock, or forcing your mate to. Cut down on activities if need be—don’t schedule your days too full.

• If either blows his top about some minor incident when tired or irritable, chances are he’ll repent in a few minutes—if
you
keep still. But if you retort, you’re inviting a battle. Silence is never more golden than when a quarrel is brewing.

• When a problem arises, wait for a suitable time to discuss it with the mate.

• When either comes home from work or is tired and harassed, the other’s greeting should not include the day’s bad news.

• In discussing an issue, stick to impersonal facts and avoid personalities. Blaming the mate, no matter how justified, is worse than useless.

• Remember that it takes two to start a quarrel—but only one to stop it. The more hurt or resentful you feel, the less you have to gain by going on with the argument.

THORNTON WILDER

THE MATCHMAKER
, 1954

By now probably best known as the source material for the 1964 musical
Hello, Dolly!
,
The Matchmaker
was one of the most popular works by the novelist and playwright Thornton Wilder (1897–1975). The widowed hat shop owner Irene Molloy is the woman Horace Vandergelder intends to marry—despite the fact that matchmaker Dolly Levi has other plans for him. Minnie Fay is Molloy’s younger assistant.

Wilder’s original version of
The Matchmaker
, called
The Merchant of Yonkers
, ran for less than two months in 1938. That incarnation was itself based on an 1842 Austrian play and an 1835 British one-act comedy.