“Babe, I would love to be buried in you right now, but there’s no fuckin’ way I’m putting my cock inside you again. I’ll leave you raw and not fuckin’ walkin’.”
I don’t care.
I want to be raw.
“Don’t care,” I whisper.
“I care,” he says, gripping my chin and tilting my face up. “And you gotta go to work.”
This is it. He’s going to send me on my way with a poor excuse as to why he can’t continue seeing me. My eyes burn and I turn my face away, ashamed that yet again, I’m going to have to walk away from him. I spin, not wanting him to see the tears glistening in my eyes.
“Hey,” he says, his voice rough. “What the fuck?”
I don’t look back, I just lean down and grip my purse. “I get it,” I say. ‘If you want me to leave, Spike, just say so. I didn’t expect anything more from you.”
Silence.
I slowly turn to see him staring at me, arms crossed, body rigid. “That all you fuckin’ think of me, huh? You think I’m just goin’ to fuck you and get rid of you?”
Wait. What?
“Aren’t you?” I say, my voice small.
“Nah, I fuckin’ wasn’t. I was savin’ your sweet ass, because if I shoved my cock inside you once more, you’d tear in fuckin’ two. Don’t mean I don’t wanna fuck you again, ‘cause it’s all I can fuckin’ think about. As usual though, you fuckin’ decide you know me better than I know myself and jump to conclusions before I get a chance to speak.”
Shit.
“I...”
“Get your fuckin’ ass over here.”
“But...”
His eyes grow heated. “Don’t fuckin’ argue, Ciara. Get in front of me. Now.”
“I didn’t mean to...”
“Ciara,” he growls. “Here. Now.”
Slowly, I begin walking toward him. I stop in front of his large, powerful form and peer up at him through a curtain of hair that has fallen over my eyes. He tangles his fingers in that hair, and moves it aside so our eyes are connected.
“You’ve had a lot to fuckin’ say to me over the past few weeks, and you’ve hardly let me get a fuckin’ word in. I’m goin’ to get my word in now. The past was fucked up, but the good thing about the past is that’s just what it is...it’s over, it’s finished.
“I made a lot of fuckin’ mistakes. One of those was never tellin’ you how I felt. You’re a stubborn, bull-headed woman and you can’t seem to take no for an answer, and it drives me fuckin’ bat shit crazy - but I can’t get enough of you. I don’t want to turn you away, even though I know it’s the best fuckin’ thing for you. Ain’t my place to choose who you fuckin’ love, and it sure as shit ain’t my place to decide how you see me.
“I can’t give you sweet things, and I can’t promise you nothin’. I’ve got a dangerous life, and until that life is sorted, I ain’t takin’ you as my Old Lady. I am gonna take you though, every fuckin’ night and day, ‘cause you belong in my bed.
“Now, you get a choice here. You can turn and walk out that door and let me go for good, or you can hang onto me, knowin’ that right now I can’t give you everything you want, but knowin’ that one day, that might change.”
Oh god. Those words, they’re what I’ve needed for so long. They’re everything I’ve been waiting for. I know Spike can’t promise me things, and I know right now I can’t be a great deal more than a good time, but fuck, I’m
his
good time and that’s fine by me. I throw myself at him, slamming into his body and sending us both stumbling backwards. With a grunt, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, crushing our bodies together until I can hardly breathe, but oh, I don’t care. I reach up, gripping his face and bringing his lips down over mine. He kisses me with need. With want. With desperation. With everything we want to say, but can’t.
“That a fuckin’ yes?” he growls, wrenching his lips from mine.
“It’s a fuckin’ yes.”
He chuckles, and leans down close again. “You little fuckin’ ripper.”
Damn.
Just
damn
.
“Y
ou fuckin’ sure about this?” Cade asks, dropping a cigarette and crushing it out with his boot.
I glare at him. This fucker doesn’t get a say in what I do right now. He don’t get a fuckin’ say in my life at all. He’s here, because I need him. He owes me and he knows it.
I hate havin’ to use him, but I don’t get much of a choice. He’s the only one I have right now who can back me up if my boys get in the shit. We’ve got an unspoken agreement, and our clubs don’t have any problems with each other.
Yet.
I light another cigarette. Fuck, I need to stop smoking. Honest to fuckin’ god, it’ll be this that kills me, I’m almost sure of it.
Cade narrows his eyes at me, I know what he’s thinking, but he’s not going to argue too heavily about it. He wouldn’t fuckin’ dare.
“I know what I’m doin’,” I growl at him. “Now you’re either with me, or you ain’t, but I will be fuckin’ doin’ this.”
“I have no fuckin’ doubt about that, Spike, but you need to be thinkin’ this through.”
“Fuckin’ have,” I snarl. “And it’s the best option.”
“This goes wrong again...”
“It won’t,” I bellow, storming toward him and gripping his shirt in my fists. I jerk him so hard his jaw snaps together. “You need to shut your fuckin’ mouth and decide if you’re on my side or not. If you are, then you do as I say; if you’re not, then fuck off.”
He grips my wrists, clenching them in his hands. I grind my teeth but don’t let go. “Get your fuckin’ hands off me,” he snaps. “And if you ever fuckin’ touch me again, I’ll bury you.”
I drop my hands and he shoves me, hard. I’m about to lunge back at him, when Granger comes out of the warehouse and gives me a stiff shake of the head. Fuck. I take a step back, giving Cade a look that tells him I won’t be takin’ his fuckin’ shit. He returns that look with fire in his eyes.
“You two need to fuckin’ back down. We got shit goin’ down and your heads need to be in the game,” Granger barks, stepping in between us.
“Fuckin’ hearin’ ya, Granger,” Cade growls.
“Yeah, me too,” I hiss.
“Well, then you two need to fuckin’ stop bangin’ heads and maybe try puttin’ them together. We need to figure out how to approach Hogan and his gang lookin’ for drugs. If they get suspicious, fuck, if they even come close to getting suspicious, we’re fucked.”
“That’s why we’re sendin’ Cade’s boy in,” I say, taking a long pull of my cigarette.
“You found out how to contact him yet?” Granger asks.
“No, that’s where Cade’s guy comes in. We found some links to Hogan. Cade’s boy is going to approach him, lookin’ for the crack Hogan sells. He’ll get through eventually, and when he does, he’ll give us a location.”
“And if that doesn’t work?”
I step up to Granger. “It’ll fuckin’ work.”
“You got protection for your girl while this shit is goin’ down?”
I flinch, and I see Cade’s eyes flare. Fuckin’
fuck
. Cade doesn’t know about Ciara and I.
“No,” I grind out, “haven’t done that yet.”
“What girl?” Cade asks, his voice icy.
“That Ciara chick,” Granger says, completely unaware that he is digging my fuckin’ grave.
“What?” Cade snarls.
“None of your business, Cade,” I say, giving him a look filled with warning.
He’s in front of me before I can blink. His large hands wrap around my throat, and he squeezes. All the air leaves my lungs and I struggle to pull anymore in. The cigarette in my fingers drops to the ground.
“You piece of motherfuckin’ shit, you stay the fuck away from Ciara. She ain’t gonna end up some whore on your belt. She’s better than that, and fuck, she’s better than you. I won’t let you kill another woman because of your motherfuckin’ stupid mistakes.”
I deck him.
Hard.
My fist swings up, and hits him so hard in the jaw his head swings sideways. An almighty crack fills the area, and blood spurts from Cade’s lip. His hands leave my throat, and his fist finds my eye, which splits, and blood pours down my face. My head throbs and I roar in pain, gripping my face. I turn, lunging at Cade.
Granger jumps between us, and pulls out his gun, pointing it toward me. I skid to a halt and my eyes flare as I pant with anger, desperate to get my hands on Cade.
“Fuckin’ back down, Prez. Ain’t worth this shit. Walk away.”
“You fuckin’ piece of shit, Spike,” Cade bellows from behind Granger. “She’s too fuckin’ good for you.”
“She wanted it!” I snarl. “You hear me? She fuckin’ wanted it. She’s been chasin’ me!”
“I’ll fuckin’ gut you!”
Granger spins around, pointing the gun at Cade. “You’re on our territory now, and no one is goin’ to speak to Prez like that. Get on your fuckin’ Harley and leave, Cade. We’ll be in contact.”
Cade, who is panting, knows the rules when it comes to other MCs. His eyes meet mine, and so many things pass between us.
“You fuckin’ stay outta her life, Spike.”
Then he turns and storms out of the compound. I curse, and lift my fingers, swiping the blood from my busted eye. Granger turns to me, tucking his gun in his pants.
“He’s fuckin’ right. Seein’ her is a stupid mistake.”
“Yeah,” I growl, stepping closer and meeting his glare dead on. “Well, it’s my fuckin’ mistake, and I ain’t givin’ it up.”
Then I turn and walk off, leavin’ him standing in the dirt.
Fuck him.
Fuck Cade.
Fuck the lot of them.
“O
pen the fuckin’ door, Ciara!”
I blink, rubbing my eyes. What the
hell
? I glance at the clock on the wall above the television. It’s about midnight. I fell asleep on the couch after my shift tonight; I didn’t even make it to my bed. Now I have an angry biker at my door.
With a sigh, I slide off the couch and stand on wobbly legs. I walk to the front door and open it, to see a very angry Cade with one hell of a fat lip. His eyes are wild, and his expression tells me that I shouldn’t open my mouth and say a word to him, or I’ll risk getting my head torn clean off.
“Comin’ in,” he growls, shoving past me.
“How nice of you to visit me in the middle of the night,” I mumble, running my fingers through my hair to untangle it.
“Couldn’t find you, looked at the bar, they said you went home. So, I came here.”
“And to what do I owe this delightful visit?”
He spins, glaring at me; I actually take a few steps back.
“You and Spike,” he grates out. “That’s what I’m fuckin’ here for.”
Uh-oh.
“What about us?” I say as casually as possible.
“Don’t you fuckin’ play with me! You’re seein’ him, and you didn’t fuckin’ tell me.”
“It’s got nothing to do with you,” I point out.
He steps closer, anger rising to a level of no return. “Has everything to do with me. I told you he ain’t right for you, that right now he ain’t in a place to give you what you want, but you got stubborn and didn’t fuckin’ listen to me. He’s bad news, Ciara. He ain’t in a place to give you anything but a good fuck, and that’s all you’re gonna be, Tom Cat, a good time. You really want that? You really wanna be no more than a fuck?”
I want to slap him. I hate him right now. I hate him because he’s right, and I know it. Right now, Spike doesn’t want to give me anything more than a good time. I don’t doubt there’s lingering feelings between us, but I also know it’s not enough to make him see me as anything more than what I am. Cade bringing it up only makes it hurt that much more. It hurts, because for me it goes so much deeper. For me, Spike is my soul. He’s my reason to breathe. He’s what I fight for.
“I love him,” I yell, feeling my voice shake.
Cade’s face drops and he sighs deeply, losing his anger. “Fuck, Tom Cat, when will you see he ain’t ever gonna be what you need?”
“You don’t know that,” I whisper.
He steps forward, putting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing. “Do know that, ‘cause I’ve known Spike longer than anyone. He’s not going to break for anyone, or you...”
“How can you possibly know that?” I cry, walking over to the couch and dropping down. My legs are wobbly, and my body is shaking from the inside out.
“I told you, I know Spike and I know how fucked up he is. I was there, Ciara. I was in that car and I saw what it did to him. He ain’t ever gonna move on from Chey’s death, and he ain’t ever gonna be normal again. You need to find yourself a man to fuckin’ love you, not to just fuck you.”
Hot tears fill my eyes, and instead of breaking, I get angry. I’m sick of being second best. Sick of everyone telling me I’ll never compare. I’ll never be
her
! Fuck her! Fuck her and the rest of them. I look up at Cade, and the tears slide down my cheeks.
“Leave, now.”
His eyes widen a little. “Tom Cat, don’t go kickin’ me out ‘cause of what I said. Only tryin’ to look out for you.”
“I said
leave
!” I hiss, my voice full of venom.
He flinches. “All right. Ain’t gonna argue with a hurt woman.”
I look away as he walks toward the door. When he gets to it, he turns to me and stares for what seems like forever.
“You know I’m right, Tom Cat. That’s why it hurts so much. When you’re ready to talk to me, you call yeah?”
Then he’s gone.
I get off the couch, swiping angrily at my tears. I walk into the kitchen, open the cupboard, and pull out a full bottle of vodka. I pop the top, and bring it to my lips. The liquid burns so much I choke as it slides down my throat, but I don’t care, I keep drinking. I’m tired of pain. I’m tired of the inner fight to be something different, but most of all, I’m tired of always being Cheyenne’s shadow. Even though she’s gone, I still live behind her. Everything that she left behind affects me: Spike, my parents, my entire life...all broken because of her. I lean against the counter, heaving and coughing as I struggle to swallow more vodka. I want the pain gone, just for a fucking minute.
It goes away.
I find myself going through old photos, cursing and giggling all at the same time. I have a severe case of neglected child syndrome, if that’s even a real thing.
I was always the child behind the star - Cheyenne being the star,
of course.
She was perfect, happy, witty, smart, and everything I wasn’t. People noticed her, and if they didn’t, she made sure they did. More often than not, I lived with it; until she took the one thing I loved the most - Danny.