The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (13 page)

“Ayiieeee! A second white man leaps from an accompanying barrel. He though, is not a despicable example of humanity as his fast moving counterpart. No, this is a gentleman of some refinement, oui! His tall, strong, physique is immaculately attired in a stylish white suit and hat. His tie and vest bespeak a man of some culture. Dark, penetrating black eyes are the same deep black of his hair. His handsome face is resolute with purpose I am thinking, oui.”

“Ayiieeee! Bless my cold, cruel, and merciless heart, a third pasty white savage has now a barrel given birth. Eek! It’s a leprechaun! The disgusting creature wears a skull face below that outrageous green derby hat!”

“Seize
them!”

“C’mon y’all! We gotta getta move on and hurry on across this here rope suspension bridge!”

“Temperance! You foolish boy, old man. I say, I think we could have waited a scant twenty-four hours, eh what?”

“Aye, Ickety! Ye ’ave shown our hand and exposed us to the terrors of a hundred flesh eating zombies!”

Thud!   Thump!   Buh-fudde!

“RRRRAAAARRRRROOHHR!!!”

“Foolish invaders! Your puny efforts avail you not, for even as you, admittedly, rather adroitly, punch, kick, flip, toss, and generally outmaneuver my zombie slaves, their many numbers now overwhelm you making your resistance and position untenable. There now, bring me the captives for a brief interrogation before they are turned into mindless zombies to forever be in the evil service of Sku Le’Bizarre!”

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Lemme go! Dang it! y’all turn us a’loose!”

“I say, easy there, my good dead man. No need to be so rough, my word.”

“Aye, when’s I gets free, I’ll be issuing a few receipts, laddies.”

“Silence! You will speak when I command! You, Dingle-Berry Hat Boy, what are you doing on the Island of San Monique?”

“Unh! Unh! We’re here to rescue our friends, you slave-driving fiend! Let us go so we can go save ’em, you big meanie!”

“You must mean the sacrificial holy man, Dolomite. Wait, you said, ‘friends’. Ah, you must mean the new white slave the master has acquired. The tall, strongly built otherwise good looking male that now wears the slack expression of unthinking servitude.”

“Aye, that be the one. Where have ye taken him?”

“Ayiieeee! It talks! This frightening fighting horror of a leprechaudal monster speaks to me in human tongue!”

“Maybe to you I’m naughtte attractive, me seveere overseer, baughtte the ladies find me ir-r-r-r-ressistable.”

“The white giant accompanies his master, carrying the futile resistance of the Reverend Dolomite over his shoulder. By now they have exited the other side of the
‘Craven Cavern’
and look out on the
‘Horned Plateau’,
the vast Northern plain between the impassable mountain ranges. From the vantage point of the Cavern’s opening, high on the cliffs of Miseriaiaia, the endlessly crashing surf of the jagged rock graveyard formed by San Monique’s stone goat horns lies to the North. Ahead and to the South stretch the endless fields of sugar cane. Their tall, strong stalks of decadent sweetness is the primary ingredient of our delicious rum. This bountiful resource has built a fortune with which the master has brought about his
‘Great Scheme
’. The Master will enjoy a view including a fringe of tropical jungle foliage surrounding the edge of the valley, separating the fields from the mountains. On the other side of the plain, Lady De’athSpelle’s eastern range extends Northward. Directly across from that awe-inspiring vantage point my Master enjoys, Queen Tempestia’s beauty rises up to the sky. Our volcanoe Queen dominates the entire
‘Horned Plateau’
. She has been excited of late; her passions light the sky with her fiery reflections. She shakes the entire island as she prepares for Dolomite’s sacrifice and her grand release.”

“If you please, my good man, I believe I overheard you to say your name was Worcestershire. My name is Eppington, Kit, Eppington. I think I knew a Worcestershire in Baltimore once. Yes, ever been there, old bean?”

“Silence!”

“Hey there, Mr. Overseer Wer...”

“Worcestshire!”

“Yessir! Sorry, sir! Wuohr...”

“Worcestshire!”

“Yessir! Overseer Whooch...”

“Overseer Worcestshire!”

“Overseer Woorts...”

“Overseer Worcestshire!”

“Oversheer Werchesterersheershireshauce,,,”

“NO!”

“Aw, please, come on, let us go so we can go and rescue them boys. They’re a couple of real nice fellers.”

“No, I will do no such thing. My hordes of walking deceased, you are commanded to bear these prisoners over the rope bridge and across the
‘Chasm Stynx’
. Carry them up the steps and through the almost ten miles of the
‘Craven Cavern’
. Continue to carry them the long ten miles to Sku Le’Bizarre’s Grand Plantation house that sits in the exact center of the sugar cane fields that make up the
‘Horned Plateau’.
There, Sku’ Le’Bizarre will do with you what he will.”

“Aye! I likes the sound o’ that! Carry me the twenty mile hike me dearies! Ye have carried us nearly twenty miles already in your rum barrels, twenty more won’t hurt you none m’lads.”

“Silence! Take them away!”

“...RRRRAAARRRRRRRRRRR...”

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Lemme go, y’all!”

“Aye, ye dead laddies be interfering with a police officer in the dispersement of his duties!”

“I say, old boy, but I’d really rather not cross that dilapidated rope bridge over that eighty foot sheer drop cliff old chap.”

“Quiet, Eppington, I told you to be silent!”

“And I said that I don’t want to cross that bridge!”

“Your companions are being carried across and so shall you! Get that man across that bridge!”

“Blast it you devils, I don’t like heights!”

“Shut up and quit struggling! Get across that bridge!”

“
No!
I don’t like heights, blast your eyes!”

“Subdue that man!”

“I,
don’t like,
HEIGHTS!

“Mr. Eppington! Settle down, sir!

“I DON’T LIKE HEIGHTS!”

“Aye, ye’re shaking the bridge, laddie!”

“I DON’T LIKE HEIGHTS!”

“Control that man!”

“I! DON’T! LIKE! HEIGHTS!!!”

“Mr. Eppington!”

“Kit, m’laddie!”

“...RRRRAAARRRRRRRRRRR...”

“You disobedient fool! Stop struggling! You’re going to wreck the bridge!”

“
I.
”

pluh-toink!

“Don’t.”

pluh- tink!

“Like.”

tuh-pink!

“HEIGHTS!!!”

PLINKETY-PLOINKETY-PLINCKETY

SNAP-
PUH!!!

“Aaaaaaaahhh!-                       

-

-

-

-

splash!splash!splash!splash!splash!splash!

“You fool! You have wrecked my bridge plunging yourself, your friends, and twenty valuable dead slaves into the churning torrent of angry waters of the roaring chasm to be swept away as insignificant flotsam on
‘The River Stynx’
!”
 

-glub-
“No! Not over there, you guys! -
glub-
Swim over to this side!”

“Temperance, old chap, that bank is far too steep and slippery. -
glub, glub
- This other bank will be easier to gain purchase on, old fellow.”

-
glub-gasp-glub
- “That ain’t the question. Our pals are on this side of the river and I don’t think that saucy overseer is gonna let us across that bridge of his, no way, no how.”

“Aye”
-glub
- “The lads a’right. We’ll pull ourselves out o’ this cursed river and the companionship of our cannibal swim-mates on the steep banks o’ Mount Miseriaiaia.”

“There you go, fellas, I know it is wet, dark, slimy and miserable, but we gotta hurry and save them girls now, too!”

“Aye, Ickety, I think me fancy Carnivalle clothes have seen their better days. The cheery emerald is now a sombre forestry affair.”

“So too, my fine white suit. Its brilliant lustre is a forgotten memory. It is now as dull and drab as the slimy black river from which we have emerged.”

“Yessir, so it is with my white pants, Mr. Eppington, sir. The shirt is toned down a degree or two as well. If my dingle-berry hat did not have a chin strap, I would surely have lost my hat as you two gentlemen have lost your fine head wear, though I must admit, that in its soggy state, the wide-brimmed hat fits more like a bonnet.”

“Ye seem to be having a bit o’ trouble there, Ickety me lad.”

“Get a grip, Temperance old bean.”

“Yessir, that’s what I’m trying to do, but these dang ol’ big ruffely sleeves have lost all their ‘poof’. They now hang down more than a foot past my fingertips in wet clinging double fabric tubes that make it difficult to get a grip on anything, even the most obliging exposed root for support as we struggle to climb out of this dangerous river. If I can just get to where my feet will support me and keep me from sliding back into the River Stynx, then maybe I can do something about it. There we go. With my right hand, I shall wind up the excess material of my poofy sleeved shirt at my left shoulder. Excuse me if my speech becomes garbled as I describe my actions, for I must engage my teeth to hold one end of this wad of sleeve material tight, ras, rI rhen rrap rese roo rends reegetrer roo rie ra rot. There. Now I shall form a loop with the excess material. Roe’rin rah rahreereerall riff ry reef, rI round ree ruh’rer riece ruh’round ree rirst riece thusly and cinch it tight to hold the material up and off of my hand I shall now repeat the  procedure using my left hand to wind the baggy material of my right sleeve up to the shoulder. RI rhen...”

“Aye we can see what ye’re doing ye silly fool! There’s no need for a step by step description, ye great twit! Hurry up!”

“Ohhh, bad show, I’m afraid good fellow. Those bowes you have fashioned to hold your voluminous sleeves up off of your hands are disconcertingly effeminate, old sport. Yes, quite. I hate to hurt your feelings old chap, but I have to be honest and forthright with you, you understand. I hope you would do the same for me, old bean.”

“Yessir, them bowes at my shoulders are kinda sissy but I can’t worry about that now, we gotta save Miss Plumtartt, Miss Mimi Ma’am, Officer Smith and the Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite!”

“Of course, Temperance, old boy, you are correct. Please go on.”

“Yessir. Ya know, we are all so dark and dirty, I can’t hardly see y’all at all.”

“Nor I you gentlemen, my word.”

“Aye, perhaps we can now sneak into their bloody tunnel and makes our pursuits.”

“Aye, I mean, yessir, that’s what I was a thinkin’. Wait a minute. Lemme scuff off the finish of these shiny white shoes. Now that they are down to their bare leather they no longer reflect the intermittent moonlight.”

“Hear, hear, a covert operation. My word, jolly good! Let’s save the world then lads, eh, what?”

“Yessir, we need to gain access to that there
‘Craven Cavern’
. Sounds pretty spooky to me, y’all. Mile after mile of twisting turning maze of dark corridors. Pretty easy to get lost in a cave that big.”

“Aye, her lofty ceilings will be supporting untold millions of tons of rock over our heads. I can just imagine all the many wondrous columns of stalactites and stalagmites inhabiting her majestic and expansive halls. Thousands upon thousands of years will it have taken to form the geologic splendor that slowly grows from the seeping moistures in her presumed stunning grandeur.”

“I say, I should think we should be prepared to face bats uncountable. Their centuries of guano will carpet the floors in diseased coatings.”

“Don’t forget that this place will be full of flesh eating walking deceased cadaver corpses.”

“Sh! We’re getting closer. Be very, very quiet.”

“Yessir, Mister Officer O’Hagan. I’ll continue in a hissed whisper. If you were looking directly out of the cave’s entrance, then you might say we were approaching from the Cavern’s left, right? Dang, this sure ’nough is a sheer cliff wall, y’all. The good thing about that is that there is not room but for a few zombies on this side of the gorge at a time. There are beaucoup strolling dead on the other side, but they do not have the bridge fixed yet. Oops! Spoke too soon. They are in the last stages of getting the bridge repaired already! If we don’t do something immediately we will not get another chance like this!”

“Aye! We must seize the initiative! A fast rush to throw the few who have room to work on the bridge project on this side into the chasm before the repairs are made is what we
must do and do it now!
Charge, m’lads!

“Officer O’Hagan! C’mon, Mister Eppington!”

“Hear, hear! Jolly good show! Let’s really give them what for, eh?”

“Aye! Cries I as I ducks the sweeping arm embrace of one dead toady to shoulder block tackle me following deady off the cliff and into the R-r-r-river Stynx!”

“Pumpernickel! Hah! Jolly good! That one good, stout, English punch was enough to send my ugly opponent on his way to watery oblivion. Yes, my word, indeed. And look at the little Temperance fellow! That’s it old boy! What an unorthodox method of fighting you employ old chap, the way you mix in a few kicks amidst your many punches and a few punches among your many kicks. Look out old bean, your opponent rallies. My word, what an extraordinary counter measure for your oafish opponent in the manner you fell away at the waist and performed a stationary spinning cartwheel maneuver in which you contrived to throw your leg out and catch your aggressive ghoul square upon his chin with your velocity saturated heel. This is enough to send the cadaverous cad tumbling to his further demise from our cliffside toehold.”

“Aye, baughtte dinnae stop now me buckos, for we still have three more ghastly terrors to contend with. Leave ’em to us, Ickety, you drop this bridge laddie and do it praunto.”

“Yesssir! But truth be told, I was all worked up to set her a’light.”

“Baeurn the wicked thing ye paeyrooteknik fyre boog!”

“Thanks to these here handy torches that were used to illuminate the work area, that ol’ bridge is a’burnin’ lickety split. Now come on, y’all, let’s high tail it up these steps in the same manner!”

“Aye!”

“Hear, hear!”

“There be a welcoming delegation arriving to deny us entrance to their
‘Cr-r-r-raven Cavern’
, and dispute the right o’ way o’ these stairs. Aye, I say make ready for disputation!”

“Nice throw Officer O’Hagan! That feller cleared the little cliff landing entirely to fall directly into the chasm without contact to a single rock!”

“Hear, hear, another fine toss by our stalwart Constable O’Hagan, though this fellow did manage to make contact with quite a few painful cliffside abrasions, I say.”

“Aye, baughtte now they’re piled up too deep! I cannoot resist their determined downhill tread.”

“We’ll help you, Officer O’Hagan!”

“Hear, hear, Constable!”

“Dang, I’m findin’ their onslaught a mite irresistible!”

“My word, bad show! I too find it hard to muster the strength to defy these unnaturally strong marchers.”

“Aye, I told ye.”

“Quite right, old bean. May I suggest an orderly tactical withdrawal?”

“Aye maybe even a full scale retreat, m’failing buckos?”

“Heck fire y’all, we better skedaddle. We’re about to get ’ett!”