The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (20 page)

“Wha’? Vuhgins? Us?! Hmmph! Bah! Mmm-bah,
HAH
-hahahahahahaha! Yo’re seewious? Bah!-hahahahaha! Oh, Skully, you have no oi
dea!
If you only
knew!
Ho, ho, ho! Oh, yes, deh-wicate wittle fuh-wow-wer Oye am! Hee, hee, heeee!”

“Eh, hem.”

“Hahahahahahaha! Imagine that, him thinking that you or me moight still be unsprung in the worldly ways o’ love! Ho, ho, ho! What a laugh! Aaaaaahhh-hahahaha, ha, ha, … ha, … ha.... ha. Er, Puhsephone? Oye notice that you are not laughing along wiff me at this amusing, and novel concept.”

“Eh, hem, yes, eh, hem. Er, eh, heh, eh, heh, eh, hem. Yes.”

“Oh, Pwumsy, you must be joking. In this day and age? This is 1877! How old are you? Eighteen, Nineteen? You can’t be twenty and still not...”

“Twenty-One, but just barely.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!”

“Up until now, my chastity and virtue have been a point of pride, but under the circumstances, a little less prudence might have proven prudent, eh, what?”

“I no longer have any need of you, impure,  black dress, red-head woman. I throw you aside. I shall drag the serviceable Plumtartt woman up this narrow ledge path that winds its way up and up and around and around the volcanoe in a steep spiral until it eventually gets to the wide, volcanic opening at the top! There, I shall cast you in, Plumtartt woman, to be my sacrifice for Queen Tempestia!”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

“Destroy all these cretins, Slave Smith. Do not let anyone interfere with my plans!”

“Officer Smith! No!”

bam.

“I say, Constable, please don’t!”

bam.

“Keefer m’boy!”

bam.

“Fool cop!”

bam.

“Hah, hah, hah. I have won! I have defeated you all! There is nothing and no-one that can defy me now!”

“Oh, Monsieur Bizarre le Skull or wots’evuh your name is, are you missing something?”

“What are you talking about you foolish woman?”

“Oh, well, it seems that a moment ago when you were dragging me ’bouts by me ’air in so rude a mannuh, Oye had the opportunity to relieve you of a wittle something.”

“What are you talking about, black dress red head woman that is not a virgin?”

“Woi, this little dolly, I gots here wot Oye weiweived you of. The one that bears a passing wesembwance to our Constable Smiff. Oye wonder what would happen, if Oye unpinned this badge from the doll...?”

“No, you foolish woman!”

“...like
this!”

“Curse you black dress red head woman! I shall go ahead and depart with my offering before this okie ogre regains his sensibilities. Come with me, Plumtartt woman! You are for Queen Tempestia!”

“Constable Smith, wake up!”

“Hunh? Where am I? This is a tropical paradise of some kind. A volcanoe! Zoinks! I must be in Ha’waii! Hunh? That’s funny, I don’t remember hearing about pyramids in the South Seas, before.”

“No, ewe silly copper, ye’re on a secret VooDoo island in the Caribbean! You’ve been a zombie slave servant to the evil Mystique, Sku Le’Bizarre on the island of San Monique!”

“That’s terrible, you amazing and astoundingly attractive young female citizen! Please continue!”

“Look around you constable! Your four best mates are all lying at your feet, where you have brutalwy clubbed them all down. They ’ave defeated unconquerable obstacles laid before them, one after another, not unlike some modern day voyage of Sinbad...”

“Jason and the Argonauts.”

“Wots-evuh. The Oddities they traveled on...”

“Odyssey.”

“Wots-evuh, and they have been through one crucible and ordeal after anuthuh. They done it all to come here and to save you! And how does you wepay their selfwess sacwifoice? Ya cwubbers them all to the ground!”

“This is horrible!”

“Indeed it is, Constable! How’s about you going and dispense some o’ that cwubberin’ on that skull face painted fiend what is escaping up the volcanic mountainside, dwaggin’ Puhsephone Pwumtartt along by the ’air wiff the intention o’ pitching her into the fiery pit o’ that inflamed inferno!”

“You don’t say! Thanks for the tip, citizen, I’m on it!”

“It looks like our comrades are regaining their waking minds. You run ahead and catch ’em Smith, Oye’ll be roight behind with this lot.”

~***~

“Blast you, woman! Must you struggle so in my hair tearing grasp?”

“Eh, hem! As you so clearly intend to callously throw me to my incinerated demise, then yes, I do feel it incumbent upon myself to show every disinclination and to remain as obstreperous and uncooperative as is in my power to do so. Yes, quite.”

“Shut up, woman! Your tiresome struggles are going to cause us both to fall from the ledge!”

“My word, we are rather high in the air, aren’t we? The continually upward trek encircling our planet’s crust blemish, has taken us past the expansive view of the crashing, Caribbean surf on the Eastern flank of the geologic projection to once again look out on the jungle canopy and sugar cane fields far below. The towering stalks of sugar cane are now as so many blades of grass, and the jungle canopy is far below our position. We even surpass the pyramid in height, four times to one. Truthfully speaking, I think I prefer to fall to earth on dry land, as opposed to seaside rock or your dreadful plans for me, which entail throwing me into an active volcanoe and onto a mattress of molten magma.”

“Cease your endless blithering you infuriating woman!”

“Freeze, punk! Turn Miss Plumtartt loose right now!”

“Slave Smith! Curse you! You would still be under the thrall of my VooDoo spell, but for the interference of that wanton woman! Keep your distance, big mon, I have the power to destroy you!”

“Don’t ewe troi it, Skullzy Bizzare, reinforcements are on the way.”

“Bah! Black dress red head woman of questionable virtue! You shall rue your uninvited interference!”

“Oh no she ain’t! Our posse is back in full force! You’re out of tricks, Mr. Sku Le’Bizarre, sir. Why don’t you just let Miss Plumtartt a’loose and give up?”

“Aye, the gig is up, the race is run, m’bucko.”

“Hah, hah, hah! Out of tricks, am I? No! I have a trick just for you troublesome troubadours. Hellish Flame VooDoo FireBall, do your magic!”

FAH
-WHOOOSH!!!

KAH
-BOOOGE!!!

“Aaaaiiiieeee!!!”

crumble....crumble...rumble/crumble

c-c-c-c-c-c-c-crrrraaaasssshhh......

“Oh bother! Bad spot of luck that, eh? This fiendish fellow Sku Le’Bizarre’s fireball has blown up a considerable section of the volcanoe’s precipice path! It is now impassable!”

r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“Hah, hah, hah. Queen Tempestia expresses her pleasure with that magmasmic, shuddering release. You cannot follow any further. Victory is mine!”

“Baaaaah! Hahahahhahahahahahahahaha!”

R-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“Rotten luck! This volcanic mountainside grows more active by the minute! I predict that she will fully erupt at any time!”

“Aye, we must find a way forward baughtte I cannot see a way past this great chunk o’ ledge, blasted from our pathway.”

“Cor’ bloimey, tain’t nuttin’ but a cratuh, wiffout so much as a handhold nor cwevice for puhchase.”

“Ah-No!-Ah! This is a heartbreaking tragedy I proclaim! That beautiful young Plumtartt girl must be saved! Hallelujah! Of course, I must admit, I am mystified as to how to go about doing that.”

“You citizens are correct. Though I have been in a zombie trance for an indeterminate time, I am quickly catching on to the urgency of the situation. Plus, I just really want to get that menace, Sku Le’Bizarre, behind bars.”

“Let me see, y’all. It looks like it is about thirty feet from here to the other side. In that space, the opposite ledge rises to about twelve feet higher than ours.”

“It don’t looks loike we can cloimb across, do it, Icksy?”

“No Ma’am, Miss Mimi Ma’am. I’m a climbin’ fool, but even I can’t make this traverse without some kind of specialized equipment.”

“Come on, Ickety, lad! Ye can think of some clever way through this, can’t ye?”

“We ain’t gotta lot of supplies to work with, Officer O’Hagan. Maybe if we shredded some of our clothing, it could be fashioned into a makeshift rope. What we would need then is some sort of point of purchase. Hmm. Maybe a piton shot with enough force could be made to shoot into the rock face, high on the other wall. A bit of thread could be tied to the missile. This in turn would be connected to our flimsy rope. We would then carefully pull the thread to carry the rope across. With any luck, we will have sunken our safety sinker soundly enough to get one or more of us across.”

“Fantastic, old bean, tell me, any ideas on how you might speedily manufacture this tiny harpoon launcher of yours?”

“Well sir, Mr. Eppington, sir, I thought if maybe I collected everybody’s pocketwatches, I could harness the energy of their springs for my launcher.”

“Watch springs are naughtte always known for their rock cracking propellant strength, Ickety, lad. You would be putting all your weight, not that there is much of it, on the stone penetrating properties of a few tiny springs. You don’t really think it would work do ye?”

“
Nossir
.
”

“Ickety! Don’t give up, boy!”

“Ichabod, stand up. That is unbecoming for you to slouch down into a sitting position. Keep your head up, citizen.”

“Ah-say, Itchy-bod. Settle down, boy. Don’t start getting all blubbery on us! We shall pray for divine intervention! Hallelujah!”

“I say, old sport, stiff upper lip and all that, eh, what?”

“Oh, me wittle Icksi pooh, don’t cwoiy. We’ll foind a way.”

“Huh! Huh! Huh! I’m s, s, sorry, y’all. I guess m-m-my emotions are gettin’ the best of me.”

“Ichabod, come on, laddie, what’s bothering you?”

“I’m sorry Officer Smith. It’s just that I don’t think I’m the man to save Miss Plumtartt.”

“What’s that, Ickety? I thought I heard a bit o’ silliness come from ye.”

“She’s too good for me, Officer O’Hagan!”

“Itchy-bod, your talking nonsense, you scamp!”

“It’s true Reverend Dolomite! She deserves better than me! She deserves to be with him! She should be with Mr. Eppington! Mr. Eppington is the man for Miss Plumtartt!”

“Ickety, me boy!”

“It’s true! He’s tall and handsome! He has good fashion sense! He’s smart and suave! He can carry on witty conversations! I ain’t got none of that!” -huh-huh-huh-

“Temperance, old sport!”

“It’s true, Mr. Eppington! She loves
you
, not
me!
”

“My word, Temperance, dear chap, I assure you, I had no intention of damaging your emotional state, old bean.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I ain’t mad at you, sir. You make Miss Plumtartt, huh-huh-happy in ways I cain’t. Y’all sure do look fine together. You all make a real nice couple.”

“Ickety, I doon’t believe me ears!”

“What am I? A goofy little runt from Alabama. She’s all smart and I’m just a dummy.”

“Oh, Oye thinks Oye’m qualifoied to say that there is a cute wittle fellow under all that outward bumpkin appearance. ’ey Smiff, you’ve been a zombie the past few days. Oye bets ewe are still in possession of your hanky, roight?”

“My handkerchief? Why citizen Mirabella, it just so happens that I am.”

“Well give it to me love. Thanks, Constable. Now then, Oye’m just gonna mop up this silly face a bit. There, now, blow real hard for me Icksi.”

spluh-
honk!

“There, now, feel better, Icksi?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Thank you, Miss Mimi Ma’am. I should have made this clear from the beginning, Ma’am. My heart belongs to Miss Plumtartt. I hope I have not led you on, Miss Mimi Ma’am.”

“Led me on! Baaah-hahahahaha! Oh, me wittle Icksi, there were more dashing and handsome gallants on me list of former lovers than I care to remember before you, and Oye’m thinkin’ a long list still stretches before me. Oye’ve been around, me cherried chevalier. Oye have had a pretty good handle on things from the start. You and Persephone are a solid oitem.”

“Gee ya really think so, Ma’am?”

“Trust me, Icksi, you are head ovuh heels in love wiff Puhsephone Plumtartt!”

“Do you think I oughtta be the fella to go and save Miss Plumtartt, Mr. Eppington?”

“Good Heavens, Temperance, of course you are! Much like Miss Froust, I too am much traveled in affairs of the heart and know my way around fairly well. Heed my words, Temperance. Persephone is in love with
you
, not
me
, old sport.”

“Oh my gosh! y’all are right! I gotta save her! What am I gonna do?”

“Here ya go, Icky, take this one set of leashed loglet crop beaters that your girl dropped and stick ’em in your belt.”

“Yes, Ma’am. Okay, now what?”

“Gen’lemen, if you would all be so koind as to quickly snatch up an arm or a leg, please.”

“Hey, y’all!”

“Oh, yes, dat’s vewy good, boys. The swift moving Constable O’Hagan an’ Wevewend Dowomoite each possess one of Icky’s arms, an’ our Constable Smiff wiff Kit Eppington have secured our wittle hee-wo’s wegs. All roight, gentlemen, Oye think this next bit is rather self-explanatory. Let’s get him swinging, to get our momentum up, eh? Here we are, ready? Now then, forward and back. Forward and back.”

“Are you sure this is gonna work, Miss Mimi Ma’am?”

“No, now shut up, Icksi.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“That’s it boys, big swings, now. Forward and back, forward and back. Way up hoigh now, roight? Is everybody ready? No, wait a minute. Stop, stop, bring him to a stop. Hold him up for me boys.”

“Now Icksi me lad, Oye’m gonna hold you by the ears likes this, see, and look directly into your eyes. Hear my words, Ichabod Temperance. Go. Save. Your.
Girl!”

Saaaah-

MO
O
O
O
O-

OO
O
O
O
O
O
O
O-

OO
O
O
O
O
O
O
O-

OO
O
O
O
O
O
O
O-

OO
O
O
O
O
O
O
O-

chah!!!

“
Roight!
Lower him back into position, boys. Let’s get him swinging again, men. Forward and back. Forward and back. That’s it. Hoighuh. Hoighuh!
Hoighuh!
Good! Now, on my mark!”

“It’s ONE for his honey!”

“TWO for the volcanoe!”

“THREE I hope we’re ready!”

“Cause away we
go
!”

“Aaaaah-

             -

             -

             -

             -

             -oooph! I made it!”

“Hooray!”

“Now you folks don’t wait around! This volcanoe is gonna blow at any second! Thanks everybody! Good-bye!”

“And just like that, he’s gone, scrambling up the cliffside where he was just able to gain the barest finguh’old, and then to immediately disappear around the bend of the volcanoe’s side.”

“Aye, that he has. That was a good deed well done, Mirabella my fair lass, and a noble gesture on ye’re part, as well, me Kit.”

“There was no great show of gallantry from me, I merely spoke the truth, Constable O’Hagan. Besides there was no way
I
was going to make that crossing...”

“...I don’t like heights.”