The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (22 page)

Read The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) Online

Authors: Ichabod Temperance

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

~***~

“Aye, we’ve cleared the spiral trail o’ the volcanoe baughtte now lava is pour-r-ring down every side o’ the mountain, like an angry, slow moving ketchup bottle having its product shoved up out o’ it.”

“Everybody stop running! Citizens, we must choose. Do we run around the pyramid and keep fleeing through the sugar cane field dirt roads where we could very well be over-run with the onrushing lava, or, do we quickly climb the pyramid and hope the rising tide of released magma does not crest our position?”

“Great Scott, I do not think we can outrun the flaming stone. I counsel that we seek higher terrain, my chums.”

“Hear, hear!”

“Aye! Climb, climb!”

“Ah-Yes!-Ah! We have all made it to the top of this man-made little hill. Hallelujah!”

r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

“Woo, whee, y’all, wouldja look at that?! That last geyser of molten lava did not collapse back into the open pit with a soft ‘pluuuh’, sound. Instead, it just miraculously hangs suspended in the air. It’s not all fluidy like the other geysers, either. This one is more like a solid column of roiling rock, with a slightly bigger bunch of lava bulged up at the top.”

“Quite so, Temperance, I was about to make the same observation, old sport. Hello! Look there, the ball at the top of the liquid tower is now blossoming open. Five short branches now adorn our tecto-juiced tree.”

“I say, you gentlemen are correct. Ah, now the column slowly succumbs to gravity’s undeniable command. Strange, though, how the shaft seems to place itself along the mountainside.”

“I am witnessing the shaft grow longer in length, citizens. I mark it as strange, that the section of lava lying on the mountain’s side, rises upward again as the second section emerges. Two great sections plus the branches now lie upon the volcanoe’s side. It apparently has a different geological make-up as the normal lava, as the latter just oozes around the more solidified column.”

“Ah-Woah!-Ah! Look at those flames roaring from that pit! Just raw, fiercely burning flames as if from some Hellish blast furnace! Never could I conceive of flames as these, ah-No!-ah!”

“Another bit of solidified lava is forcing its way through the opening. That rising mound is what’s putting out the great amounts of flame! Wait, there’s a clear space without flame. Oops, now we come to two more bands of flame. The mound is still rising. Hunh. This rising dome, adorned by huge billowing piles of impossibly burning purple flames, with its clear portion turned towards us and under the two bands of flames, now two fantastic orbs of uncanny violet fires burn. Why do I get the impression that they are turned towards me?”

“Eep! It’s a head! Bad show, my friends, for the rest of this lavidic cranium further reveals itself to indeed be that of a humanoid head, yes, quite, so. More specifically, the head of a very large, and angry woman of living, burning, rock. The fiery Titantress is writhing to free herself from the snug confines of the massive mountaintop. Her one arm, shoulder and head are free of the mountain’s restraint. The woman is lifting her exposed, left shoulder as far as is possible. Leaning as far as she can to her left, she is now struggling to wriggle her other shoulder through the relatively small, on her scale, opening of the volcanoe’s crater.”

“Dat fiery tart is now working her elbow fwee. Scwunching her shoulduhs, she now has wiggled her other arm woose! She is now bound around the armpits boi the volcanoe, as if she is wearing some gigantic strapwess gown.”

“Just so, Miss Froust, I had the same impression. My word, what is she up to now? She is hooking her thumbs into the volcanoe’s bodice ledge, and is attempting to continue in her escape from the dress’ confines.”

ploop!ploop!

“Aye, I see our buxom Queen Tempestia has opted to go without the restraints of lingerie.”

“Is she grinning, or grimacing, y’all?”

“Oye don’t thinks it mattuhs eithuh way, Icksi.”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“Ah-
No
!-ah! I know women, and that island shaking roar signifies a gal that is nothing to play with, my gentle flock. Our position has become untenable! We must flee! Ah-
Yes!
-Ah!”

“The lava has the pyramid almost completely surrounded. There is just a small, narrow band of land still offering an avenue of escape formed by the obstructing pyramid.”

“My word, my friends, I do so hate to be a damper on any hopes of escape, but I do not think we can long out pace the magma’s reach.”

“Ah-
Yes!
-Ah! Do not worry, Persephone! I know where Sku Le’Bizarre parked his
‘DoomBuggy’!
Eee-
Yes!
-Ah! It’s right over here!”

“Hop in everybody, I’ll have this little bug scampering for shelter lickety-split, y’all!”

“Aye, and let’s naughtte be all day about it. Naughtte only do we flee the lava’s warm baths, but our fair Queen Tempestia continues her way to liberation. With each side to side shimmy o’ our lascivious lava lady, she pulls more of her tantalizing body free from the mountain. Aye with a last little wiggle, she leans forward and with a sight, upward pelvic bounce...”

ploing-plough!

“Shae fwees ’er shapely bum, yeah, yeah, we get it. You can get this ’orrible twelve wegged contwaption unduh way at any time, Icksi. Now, pwefehwebwy.”

“I got the furnaces firin’. The springs are wound, so hang on, I’m gonna see what happens when I engage this lever.”

thump.

thump. thump.

thump. thump. thump.

thump.thump.thump.thump.

thumpity-thumpity, thumpity-thumpity.

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!

“Yee, dauhgies! I sure ’nough managed to get this here twelve legged stompy bug up to speed, y’all!”

“Yes, indeed, quite so, Mr. Temperance. Regrettably, you do not enjoy the same success as to the steering of the vessel, eh, hem?”

“That’s all right, Miss Plumtartt, I’m gettin’ the hang of her now. She can plow through the fields without much trouble, but she’s a lot faster on the dirt roadways.”

“It cannot move fast enough right now! The woman of fire is completely free of the mountain! She is standing up! She must be a hundred feet tall! Roaring flames billow around her terribly beautiful face! She pulls her elbows back, high and wide. Arching her back while drawing breath, she heaves her magnificent magmarian attibutes to the sky and unleashes a mighty:”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“She sees us! She’s coming after us! Citizen Temperance, you are authorized to disregard any driving ordinances in the making of our withdrawal. This is hereby proclaimed to be an emergency vehicle.”

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!

“This little buggy is running flat out, y’all.”

“Queen Tempestia is gaining on us, Ickety!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“Mr. Temperance, beware! This island’s magmatic monarch is attempting to step upon us!”

staump!

“It’s no good y’all! We are an open target, out here on the pathways, so I’m gonna have to take the buggy into the cane fields.”

“Dang! These legs sure do wreck their way through these crowded fields. The many articulated joints of the replicect appendages wreak havoc with these poor ol’ cane stalks.”

“Queen Tempestia pursues us still! Bless us, Lord, for her hands and feet set fire to whatever they touch!”

“I’ve crossed several side roads, y’all. I think I’ll take the next left I come across. It should take us back to the manor house.”

“Well, done, Citizen Ichabod, you’re right. We’re going to go right past the plantation house. By the way, your driving has improved tremendously. You’ve gotten to where you are able to drive around most of the zombies.”

“Oh, wing me knickuhs, here comes Queen Tempestia. She is running roight towards the big house! She woinds ’er leg up behoind ’er an’ uncorks a whoppin’ gulliger cwearing football kick to the gweat stwucture! A huge ensuing poof explodes from where the house stood a moment before, as the expansive wooden home instantly incinerates with explosive combustion at Queen Tempestia’s infernal punt.”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“Don’t let up, Temperance old bean. Keep us scampering on, old fellow.”

“Do we go find our way back to the hidden pass, or go look into the Craven Cavern?”

“My word, I should vote for the Cavern as its smaller confines shall prove too restrictive by our pyro-predator.”

“I agree with Miss Plumtartt. This little buggy is makin’ for that ol’ cave.”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

---

“I should have known that guy would end up being trouble. The first time I set eyes on Mr. Scary Face-Paint guy, I said to myself, ‘Howie, watch out for that one. He is trouble. Though, maybe it was the tinkling sound of money in a safe box with my name, Howard C. Cross, stamped across it, that obscured my better judgment. I confess! It was the sweet allure of $money$ $money$ $money$ that swept me off my feet!”

“Maybe it was my generous nature, reaching out to help my fellow man? Nah, it was th
e
$MONEY$!”

“Who needs him! I’m a big man all on my own! I don’t need anybody else. I am fully self reliant!”

“Hmm. Let’s see. All these stupid sugar cane stalks and fields look just alike! All these stupid dirt roads look just alike, too! Is it too much trouble to put up a sign or two?Why, it is a blatant disregard for my personal safety that I am stumbling around this stupid maze. The stupid stalks are so high, I can’t figure out where the main house is.”

“What is that?! A hundred foot woman of fire is striding across my tiny slice of view of the sky between the sugar cane stalks. That is incredible! I wonder if she requires representation?”

“Well, this really is intolerable. A thick acrid smoke now fills the air.
Cough, cough.
More suffering that I have incurred! You’ll pay, Skullzy.
Cough, cough
. I must run to stay ahead of the smoke. And this stupid smoke is not making it any easier to get around out here!”

“What’s this, I see figures up ahead. I hope it’s not those troublesome, interfering young people again. Ah, good. It’s just some zombies. You there, you stupid zombies! It is I, Overseer Cross! I command you to return me to the plantation house!”

“No, you don’t have to grab at me, you just have to point out the way. Ow! Did you just try to bite me? Do you know who I am? I am Howard C. Cross, attorney of the stars! Moreover, I am an Overseer! … Er, did I resign or get fired from that position earlier? It seems like I remember one of the other overseers commenting on how the zombies have an innate way of knowing whether or not a person has Sku Le’Bizarre’s blessing as an overseer. …”

“I know what you’re thinking, Mr. Hungry Zombie man, but it should take a minimum of three to five business days for that loss of privilege to go through the proper channels! Until such time, I demand to be accorded all perks associated with my position! Please get that hungry look out of your eyes and tell that to your companions, as well!”

“Stay back! I will slap you with an injunction! I will subpoena your dead butt to appear in court!”

“Why are all of you flesh-eating cannibal zombie corpses surrounding me?”

“You don’t want to eat
me
, I taste like lawyer!”

“No, no, no! Get away! Let me go!”

“OBJECTION!!!”

Chapter Twenty Nine:
The Final Conflict

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

Staump! Staump! Staump!

“Taern left, Ickety!”

“No, no! Tuhn roight, roight?”

“Nae! Left! Left! Left!”

“Look out!”

“Aaaah!”

Staump!

“Citizen Ichabod, she’s coming up on your right side!”

“Aaaah!”

Staump!

“Oh, Lord, are we ever going to escape this field? We have had more narrow escapes in the last fifteen minutes than I could have ever hoped to escape from. Please Lord, just let us survive a few more, Hallelujah!”

“Quite so, Reverend Dolomite, this persistent assault by Queen Tempestia reveals an unusually tenacious streak in one of her station. She appears most perturbed at the uncanny scampering maneuverability of our
‘Doombuggy’
. I had hoped she would tire of continually trying to stomp our craft under her flaming heel, but her interest has not abated an iota. Hello, what’s this? I say, we are finally gaining the perimeter of these vast cane fields. The western mountain ranges loom before us. We should be on the lookout for a cave entrance of some kind. Hmm. Yes! By Jove, I believe the yawning mouth of that rock formation so very much like the skull face of our former host will prove to be the emergency exit portal of which we seek, eh, hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, that skull faced cave entrance bears a striking resemblance to that poor ol’ Sku Le’Bizarre, bless his heart. I bet you
’
re right about that bein’ the entrance to the
‘Craven Cavern’
, too. We’ll plunge into the intervening strip of lush jungle. Maybe when we pop out of the jungle’s overgrowth on the other side, we will escape Queen Tempestia’s attention long enough to dash into the cave. I gotta keep this buggie buggy dodgin’ all the way but I think we might make it!”

“’ey! Oye’m getting slapped around boi all these lush palm fronds as we cwash through this strip of jungley environment. Get us out o’ here, Icksi!”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Mimi Ma’am! We got a shot at the cave coming up! Here we go!”

“Hurry Citizen Ichabod! Queen Tempestia sees us! She is coming after us!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“Feel free to pilot the insect carriage directly into the cave, as opposed to stopping at the entrance, Mr. Temperance. Moreover, please drive us as far into the cavern as spacial logistics will allow.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

“Aye! Into the cavern we go!”

“Here now! Her majesty, Queen Tempestia pursues us still! She’s reaching her long lava arm into the cavern after us!”

“I can’t pilot this crawler any further! I think we’re gonna...”

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh...

Kah!Kah!Kah!Krash!

“Eek! Run everybody! Them fiery fingers is stretching out to burn us up!”

“Run citizens! We are very nearly within the grasp of the lavaly lady!”

“Hey y’all! A small gauge railroad is in this cave! It must move around these little ol’ mining cars. There’s four of ’em hitched up, here together. I wonder if this little train parked at the top of this steeply inclined hill is safe?”

“Bugger a bunch o’ safe! Everbody pile in! Ickety! Release that brake!”

“Yessir, Officer O'Ha-
WOAH!
-

O
O
O
O
OO
O
O
O
A
H
!
!
!

“We got away from the questing grasp of Queen Tempestia’s burning touch, citizens, but these twisting, turning, dropping, climbing, spinning, spiraling, loopty loops are more than my stomach can stomach! How are we not all thrown from our respective cars?”

“I don’t know, Officer Smith, but hang on, the end of the line is coming up straight ahead...”

Skeerck!

tumble,tumble,tumble,tumble,tumble,tumble

“On ye’re feet, one and all. We may have a head start on Queen Tempestia making it over the mountains. Nevertheless, let’s hurry!”

“Aye!”

“Here’s the cave entrance! Everybody down the steps and across the bridge.”

“Eep. Yes, the swaying rope bridge over the deep river chasm. Eh hem, yes, that is no. I am closing my eyes. Of course! That chasm was just a figment of my imagination! It is so plain to see with my eyes closed! This is actually just a quaint little footbridge over a babbling brook. The surging updraft I sense is just a passing breeze I am sure.”

“Bah! The intruders have returned! Stop them!”

“Not on your little sweet bippy Mr. Monsieur Overseer Worchestershire. We’re coming through!”

~punch!
~

“Aye, ye laid out our saucy overseer, very adroitly with that strike, lad, and the pronunciation of his name was spot on. I thinks before ye were over thinking it a bit. In any case, his multitudes of minions press us sorely, aye.”

“Well they ain’t pressin’ too hard, Officer O’Hagan. Lookey there, all these ol’ zombies is moving slower and slower until they completely fall out.”

“My word, gentlemen, of course. Look to the sky! Orangy pink streaks across her lightening background proclaim the arrival of the welcome dawn. The zombies become listless to the point of being comatose in the light of day.”

“Yes, Ma’am Miss Plumtartt, all these zombies are sure ’nough givin’ up on murderin’ us all. It’s too bad the same thing can’t be said for Queen Tempestia. It don’t look like the sun is slowin’ her down a thimble full. She is climbin’ over Mount Miseriaiaia right now.”

“Bad show, I say. Let’s all continue to run for it, eh?”

“Yessir!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

Staump! Staump! Staump!

“Run, I say! Ah-
Yes!
-Ah! Let us flee as fast as our feet can fly, children!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

Staump! Staump! Staump!

“Uh, oh, citizens, I see a large group of figures ahead. Is it another bunch of zombies?”

“No Officer Smith, we know these folks! It’s Jean-Trevour, and all of our pals from São Vinaigrette, and Jean-Spike is here with our friends from Le Seggheweighe! Howdy y’all!”

“Bonjour, Ichabod!”

“It sure is nice to see all of y’all but you need to flee for your lives, Jean-Trevour! There is a hundred foot tall lava woman, full of murder, headed this way!

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“You must mean Queen Tempestia! Tell me, is she really here, mon ami?”

“Yessir Mr. Monsieur Jean-Trevour, sir!”

“Then the legends are true! Ha, ha!”

“Ha, ha!”

“What legend is that, sir?”

“That a ridiculous little fellow in a Dingle-Berry hat would awaken the great Queen Tempestia from her slumber!”

“Gosh! Really?”

“Ha, ha! No! Of course not you silly man! Ha, ha, ha!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“No, Ichabod, the legend tells of Queen Tempestia coming at the time of Carnivalle! The Carnivalle in the year of the Chicken! This is that time! Ha, ha!”

“Ha, ha!”

“I say, look there! Over the treetops! It is her! Queen Tempestia!”

“Queen Tempestia!”

”She looks like she is ready to slay us all! Ha, ha!”

“Ha, ha!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“And good morning to you, Queen Tempestia! You are looking especially radiant with anticipatory hunger, your majesty! You look as if you long to eat us! Ha, ha, ha!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Your hair, formed by the fiercely burning flames about your head, looks as if it wants to light the sky on fire! Oui!”

“Oui!”

“The burning orbs of your passionate eyes look as if they want to shoot out beams of fiery death! Ho, ho, ho!”

“Ho, ho, ho!”

“I am thinking, no, Mademoiselle. Instead, let’s sing a song, oui?”

“Oui!”

“We’ve been waiting”

“Time she be tickin’”

“Evil comes in,”

“The Year of the Chicken.”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“When she arrives,”

“She’ll be mighty mean.”

“Goddess of Fire,”

“Evil,”

“VooDoo Queen.”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Oh, Happy Happy,”

“Carnivalle!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“What’s the matter you angry and confused woman? Don’t you like our song? Maybe you will like this next part better.”

“Our melody is strong,”

“The rhythm is jumping.”

“We right what is wrong,”

“E-vil, gets a thumping.”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“I hear thunder,”

“I see lightning”

“Lava Lady so tall.”

“You’re really frightening”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Clouds are gathering,”

“On this, day insane,”

“I really think that,”

“It’s gonna rain!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROARK!!!”

“Rain, rain, rain!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Rain, rain, rain!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Rain, rain, rain!”

“Carnivalle!”

“Rain on our Happy Happy”

“Carnivalle!”

“Raindrops are falling,”

“Raindrops are splashing,”

“Apocalyptical zombie dreams,”

“They are a ’crashing.”

“The rain cools the lava,”

“The magma be creakin’”

“If you’re a creature of molten rock,”

“Then you are probably freakin’”

“Rain, rain, rain!”

“It’s so cooling!”

“Rain, rain, rain.”

“I’m not fooling!”

“Rain, rain, rain!”

“It’s a!”

“Rainy, rainy, rainy, day!”

“By Jove they’ve done it! The locals have sung up a rainstorm! The more they sing, the more rain is conjoured from these quickly forming cloud formations! The cooling rain water is hardening Queen Tempestia’s molten form back into solid rock, right where she stands!”

“EEE-
AYE
-rROA...”

“There’s lots of rain,”

“We’re in elation.”

“Just stand where you are,”

“That is your station.”

“Tourists will ogle you,”

“While on vacation.”

“To a statue you are turned by our,”

“Precipitation.”

“Rain, rain, rain!

“It’s a rainy, rainy, rainy, day!”

“On an island of VooDoo,”