The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (18 page)

“I’ll have your badge, O’Hagan, you dirty cop!”

“Oh, thanks for reminding me, Howard. Ickety, be a good boy and run retrieve it, lad.”

“Yessir!”

“I’ll charge you in this too, Temperance!”

“Gee whiz, I sure am sorry you feel that way, Mr. Cross, sir.”

“Hey, fancy pants! I’m going to charge you in this criminal escapade as well! What’s your name?”

“The name’s Eppington, Kit Eppington. You may find me day or night in almost any of the finer gambling halls around the world, my slathering solicitor.”

“Good evening, me two lovely Overseers. Enjoy your stroll back to civilization, if ye can find ye’re way out. I’ll drive. Kit ye may take the fancy sedan chair. Ickety, ye just jogs along in front of our hungry zombie caterpillar ball rollers to provide motivation for our aengines.”

“Yessir!”

P.O.V. The Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite

“Wake up, Smith! Snap out of it I say, Eee-
Yes!
-Ah. You have been in this VooDoo spell trance for long enough. Answer me! I know you’re awake; you haven’t blinked in over an hour. This vise-like grip you have maintained on my shoulder has finally quit hurting. That is because the lack of blood circulation has made it go numb. Answer me, I say! Will you answer if I kick you in the shin? Like,
this! Unh!”

“Uh.”

bam.

“Ooooh, … ah-no-ah, … I guess you are awake after all. I will accept your answer. Ooo-ow-wuh.”

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

“Do you hear that? Don’t answer! That was a rhetorical question. What I meant to say was, I hear and feel the arrival of Sku Le’Bizarre’s overgrown mechanical cockroach. That clinking, clanking busy legged stomp-buggy can scamper through thickly overgrown sugar cane fields like nobody’s business, Eee-
Yes!
-Ah.”

“Hah, hah, hah. I, the Mystique of San Monique, Sku Le’Bizarre, am back in my expansive plantation manor again. Here is my hated foe, my chief among nemeses. This defiant fool is being held by an equally repellent enemy turned zombie slave. How it feeds my vengeance to see the giant detective, police officer Keefer Smith, under my VooDoo thrall! He shall do my bidding by keeping the Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite secure in his capture and under my control for his role in the
‘Great Awakening’
.”

“Ah-
No!
-Ah! I say unto you, you fright faced fool, by the way, your painted skeleton face no longer holds any trepidation for me. Where was I, oh, yeah, I say unto you, you Caribbean Creep, I am not going to be a part of your evil ceremony to awaken the world’s dead populations! This sounds like a bad idea to me! And then for these poor souls to go and take orders from a witchdoctor like you? Ah-
No!
-Ah! This will not be allowed to come to pass! Good shall triumph over evil, praise God!”

“Hah, hah, hah. Not this time, Dolomite! This time, evil shall have her day! I say, it is time for evil to triumph over good. Let the creatures of unknowing oblivion vanquish the righteous from the earth! Praise Queen Tempestia! This world is about to become yours! Ah~hah, hah, hah!”

“Somehow, someway, the powers of good will defeat your diabolical schemes, Sku Le’Bizarre!”

“Hah, hah, hah. You are delirious, mon! I will admit, it seems that your friends, the slave’s partner, Joshua O’Hagan, and a couple of quickly deputized posse members, have somehow done the unthinkable and tracked us to this island. I do not know how this could have happened! This island has been shrouded in powerful VooDoo spells to keep curious ships at bay. This has been so and has worked for hundreds of years! The intrusion of these pathetic imbeciles is of no matter, for this island shall surely be their place of a walking death.”

“Hallelujah! I am saved! Eee-
Yes!
-Ah! If what you say is true, then I’m as good as already saved! That Irish cop O’Hagan is as scrap-happy a man as I’ve ever known! That little rascal gets things done! If he is here and has brought two deputies to assist him, then I know my liberation is secured and your defeat is now inevitable, you VooDoo villain!”

“Hmm. Perhaps there is a shred of possibility in your words. I have underestimated this man and the forces he calls upon for assistance previously. I would be foolish to not take this threat seriously. Bring all zombies to as full an alert status as possible! Be ready to repulse any attack! Zombies, to your buffet stations!”

Crash!
tinkle,tinkle,tinkle!

“Naebody move! T’is I, Officer Joshua O’Hagan, diving through this window in an explosion of tinkling, sparkling, breaking, window glass. I rolls to me feet and I says to ye, come along peaceful like, and maybe ye won’t get hurt, baughtte I’m not making any promises.”

squah-urhk

“And it is I, Ichabod Temperance, making a slightly less flamboyant entrance as I cautiously raise this window ’cause I would feel just awful if I damaged it somehow, thus letting myself in to assist in this rescue operation. Of course, it goes without sayin’ that I am careful to wipe my feet before stepping over the sill.”

latch.

“Jolly good to meet you, Reverend Dolomite and Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, for if I may make so bold as my illustrious companions, it is I, Eppington, Kit, Eppington, that is, making a dignified entrance through the front door and courteously ‘latching’ it behind me. A sincere pleasure to meet you all; I have heard so many wonderful and amusing anecdotes concerning all three of you if we are including the non-communicative Constable Smith in the conversation.”

“Oh, he can communicate, don’t you worry! Don’t ask him anything! You won’t like the answer! Praise God and hallelujah too! Am I ever happy to see you men! Eee-
Yes!
-Ah!”

“Howdy there, Reverend Dolomite, sir. I sure am relieved to see that you are still alive and have not been eaten, yet. Have you seen Miss Plumtartt and another pretty gal running around here anywheres? We lost track of ’em and I’m wonderin’ if maybe we shouldn’t be rescuin’ them, too?”

“Silence! You three fools are mad to come here! Only death awaits, you insolent uninitiated. You though, Temperance, I kill if only to rid myself of having to bear hearing another syllable of that Southern accent! I shall slay you all! Zombi...”

“Please Mr. Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, sir, we sure are mighty concerned about our female companions. You don’t happen to have Miss Plumtartt and Miss Mimi Ma’am locked away in some awful sweatbox, do ya? You know, left out in a field under the terrible unrelentin’ rays of the merciless tropical sun? Nor staked out somewhere, maybe? You know, so they could get ette up by bugs or birds or some other whatnot such as that. I sure hope you don’t have ’em hangin’ in little baskets, awaiting horrendous torments, as they suffer the longing stare of a flesh-hungry ghoul. Or maybe...”

“Enough! My head aches at the aural assault of  your blither/blather Ichachatter! By now she and her companion should be safely within my incarceration. May I continue uninterrupted, please?”

“Yessir, I’m sorry. You go on ahead Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, sir.”

“Merci. Let me see, where was I...? Oh! Oui! Eh, hem. I shall slay you all! Zombies, attack!”

“Yikes! Where did all these zombies come from?”

“Eep. Yes, I say, they rather materialize from seemingly nowhere as they quickly pour in from every portal.”

“Aye, it be clubbering time, lads!”

Biff!   Bam!   Boom!

Punch!   Strike!   Kick!

Buh-donka-doink!

Buh-donka-dink!

Ickety-kickety-lick!

“There’s a Boston Bruisin’ for ye me darling sunshine, aye!”

“I say, and here’s one for her Majesty, hear, hear!”

“Pardon me sir while I grasp your hand as I duck beneath your arm and secure this joint manipulatin’ rasslin’ move on ya. My butterfly lookin’ grip on the back of your hand allows me to bend your hand back to ya’, in spite of your unnaturally elevated level of strength and lack of pain reception. Maintaining a ninety degree angle to your arm, I’m gonna crank your hand downward, and away from your body. This is what’s encouraging you to twist your back to me. With your forearm at a ninety degree angle to the elbow, I do not fall for the novice’s mistake and continue to twist upward. Rather, I actually keep twisting the hand outward and to the ground. I don’t know what y’all call it down here, but back in Alabama, we call this one a ‘hammerlock’. You’re gonna find that it lets me run you into your buddies piled up in the doorway.”

“Aye, that’s it, Ickety. Let’s follow the boy’s example and use these hooligan husks to block up the doorways!”

“Jolly good! Hear, hear. I say!”

“Yessir! These boys just pile up into a big ol’ mess real good!”

“Aye, as soon as we secure this room, we’ll secure you, me skull-faced beauty. Once we have you in custody, we’ll be able to force and foist ye to settle down your loyal troopers.”

“Curses! I would burn you all to cinders with my Hellish VooDoo fireballs, but I learned a long time ago,
‘
do not throw Hellish VooDoo fireballs in the house!’ That matters not! Slave Smith! Stop your friends!”

“Ah-
No!
-Ah! Your grip is ready to pinch right through to the bone as you drag me about your chore. Itchybod! Look out!”

“Woah! Thanks, Reverend Dolomite! Now easy there, Officer Smith, you and me is pals, remember? Woah! I guess you don’t remember, hunh? You’re a Los Angelos police officer! Officer Keefer Smith! Woah! You almost got me that time. One of your greatest criminal enemies, the Mystique from San Monique, Sku Le’Bizarre, has you under a VooDoo spell! Woah!”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

“Mr. Eppington, sir! Look out! Officer Smith is gonna get you!”

“Eep! Yes, I see. Thank you so much for the cue, Temperance. Now then Constable, I do not wish to get off on the wrong foot, eh, what? Eep! Oh, bad show. I do not wish to be caught in the debilitating vise grip you attempt to apply to me as you mercilessly continue it unabated upon this poor Reverend Dolomite fellow. I beg your pardon, Reverend, I do not believe we’ve met. The name’s Eppington, Kit, Eppington. I
do
so rather that our introduction could have been made on a happier occasion, eh, what?”

“I agree, Mr. Eppington, but let’s not delay in alerting our Officer O’Hagan of his imminent danger, Eee-
Yes!
-Ah!”

“I’m aware of the lummox’s approaching tread. I’ve been hearing those footsteps for many years now, I’d know them anywhere. Keefer lad, it’s me, Joshua O’Hagan, your partner and dearest pally. As partners on the Los Angelos police force, we have shared in many thrilling adventures together. Don’t you remember when we duked it out with ‘The Irrepressible Hollywood Sissies’? When you said that ‘Patty Cake’ fought like a girl, I thought we might lose that one for the lad turned into a flaming, fighting, femme fatale. Or when we broke up that gang of counterfeit perfume smugglers? That case truly stank. Or when we infiltrated that influx of Tongan pygmy gangsters? People said that there was no way a six and a half foot tall white man could go undercover in that environment but you proved them wrong! Surely you remember... Whoops! Whoot! Whoof! Your continued swings and lurching grabs lend me to guess not, eh?”

“Hah, hah, hah. Your distractions have allowed my zombie warrior slave army to swarm in and regain the tactical advantage while you have been forced to contend with your former friend.”

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Lemme go you big scary dead guys!”

“Bad show! Rather, these beastly fellows have me hemmed in, lads.”

Pop!   Pow!   Ping!

“Ye’ll nae take me so easily!”   lickety-kickety splat!

“Slave Smith! Your master commands you to stop O’Hagan!”

bam.

“Hah, hah, hah. Get some rope! Tie their hands securely and painfully behind their backs. I shall see to your many excruciating torments when I return. For now, I leave to bring about the
‘Apocaclasm’
. Perhaps you will leave this world by feeding Queen Tempestia. Hah, hah, hah.”

“Slave Smith, you come with me. Bring Dolomite with you. We travel to the volcanic altar of Queen Tempestia. The time of  the
‘Great Awakening’
is here!”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

“Hah, hah, hah!”

“Mm-Baaaaaa-
HAH-
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

P.O.V. Multiple

*
sniff, sniff scurry, scurry sniff, sniff
*

*
sniff, sniff scurry, scurry sniff, sniff
*

“I’m gettin’ too old to be scurryin’ ’round these musty old rafter beams, Mini. This old rum factory is getting to be a little too much for me, my dear. I think I’m getting rheumatoid arthritis in my paws.”

“Oh, Mikey, you’re as robust of a barn mouse as I’ve ever seen. I’ve never seen a mouse negotiate the inside of a wall like you, Mikey Mouse. You’ve had the run of this rum factory your whole life.”

“Thanks, Mini, you’re a real wedge of cheese, you are. Hey, look there. It looks like a zombie has dropped a short length of copper tubing into one of the cane juice vats. That’s kind of interesting, it looks as if the pipe plunged in on its end. The thick, sticky raw sugar goo is holding it straight up.”

“Yeah, Mikey, I see it. Wait, this is a different one from the one you are looking at.
Squeak!
Mikey! There are two of them!”

“
Squeak!
Mini! A gruesome form is slowly rising up out of the vat! The green slimed monster is hideous! It gropes about, trying to make sense of its surroundings!
Squeak!
I can’t stand to look at the horrible thing! Let’s get back to the cabins with the flesh eating zombies where it’s safe!”

*
scurry scurry, sniff,sniff, scurry scurry
*

*
scurry scurry, sniff,sniff, scurry scurry
*

Oh, my word, this does not rank among my most dignified moments, I must say. It takes all my strength to raise one sugar gooed arm to my face. As I dig my fingers through the three to four inches of thick, gooey, sugar cane gloop in which I am enveloped, I am able to clear several pounds from my face. Several more swipes of my fingernails conveys the sensation that the small oval of my facial features are now clear of enough of the heavy materi’el, that I can look about for that awful hussie, the Froust creature.

“Ah, there is the tell-tale sign of a copper tube projecting from the caramelized surface of our sugar cane juice vat. I shall reach out with my own tube and give a gentle tap to sound the all clear signal.”

bloo-oo-oo-oopuh

“Bloimey, thank goodness that’s ovuh. Ugh, this has been the most degwading and humiliating experience of me loife.”

“I doubt that very much.”

“Shaddap, you’se. Assumin’s dat is you’se, Prunefartt, buried somewhere there within that green sugar cocoon.”

“It is I, Persephone Plumtartt, Miss Froust. Let us extricate ourselves from this sticky situation, eh?”

“Uh! Oye can’t hardly move ‘cause o’ this boindin’, glueish, paste!”

“
Ah-unh!
Indeed,
ah-unh!
The going is difficult,
Ah-unh!
But we must wade to the side of this vat,
Ah-unh!
And climb,
Ah-unh!
Free!”

“
Uh, uh!
Oye can’t make it!”

“
Ah, unh!
Just a few more inches, Miss Froust, we can do it!”

“Uh, uh!”

“Ah, unh!”

“Uh, uh!
The, wim! Oye got it!”

“
Ah-unh!
Success! I too have achieved a firm handgrip upon the vat’s rim! With some effort, I think we shall be able to pull ourselves from this tenacious taffy.”

“Oof. Oye’m wearing about a hundred pounds o’ sugar, candy face.”

“I too, bear the burden of approximately five stone in excess sweetness.”

“Oye can scrapes it off me skin for the most part, but it ain’t comin’ outta these dwesses nor our hair.”

“You are correct, Miss Froust. Our current state is unacceptable. This is a common occurrence for me, yet may come as a novel concept to you, Miss Froust, but I suggest that we both bathe.”

“Vewy funny, Pwincess, but Oye don’t think shower facilities are a part of this factory’s desoign.”

“Nor do I think a conventional bath will suffice. I think a solvent of some kind is called for in this shampoo and laundry.”

“Wotcha thinkin’?”

“Let us submerge ourselves in those barrels of rum. The alcohol will make quick work of the sugar without damaging us or our clothing.”

“’ey, that’s not such a bad oidea there, Gweentartt.”

“Just a quick dip to cleanse our skin. To dally would invite alcohol poisoning. There, now we can launder our dresses quickly by hand and then by leaning back to dip our hair in the barrels, we enjoy a pyrate’s shampoo and a rum rinse.”

“Hey, eat your heart out Cleopatra, your baths of milk ain’t got nuttin’ on us!”

“Ah, that’s better. I feel quite invigorated, in fact!”

“Yeah, me too’s. Wot now?”

“The mission calls. We must make our way to the plantation’s main building. It is my conjecture that it lies in a central location. It is my fervent hope that we shall find both our enemies and our allies there.”

“Are you gonna call us a cab?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes, Miss Froust, I am. I see that this facility is being operated by a bare bones contingent of zombie labour, as opposed to our initial arrival where we were witness to a much larger populace of employees.”

“Yeah, an’ because there are so few of them, they are singularly focused on their duties, and have not looked up at us at all.”

“Ah, here we have a small wagon, used to transport cane stalk. Now if we only had a horse or pony with which to pull it. I must confess, during our time on the island, I have not seen so much as a single donkey or burro since visiting the villages of Le Seggheweighe and São Vinaigrette.”

“’course not, Tarttplum, this oisland runs on the labour of the zombies, roight? If we want our wagon pulled, we’re gonna hafta hitch a couple o’ these zombie buhds in the traces.”

“I’m not at all sure that I am completely comfortable with that stratagem, Miss Froust.”

“Desperate times calls for desperate measures, little Missy. Here, these poor blokes is compwetewy obwivious to our activities. Observe, if you will, how Oye just walk up behind dis fully absorbed zombie as he remains focused on his task of feeding chopped up cane stalks into the winguh. See ’ow he don’t even notice that Oye have taken control of one o’  his hands. He blithely continues his labours wiff his free hand. Meanwhoiles, Oye am boindin’ ’is captuh’ed w’ist wi’ff this bit o’ twoine. Oye now takes the other arm and twists it ups behoind his back, roight? Now Oye can ties the two w’isties togevvuh!”

“I say, good show. Your method works with the clock like efficiency of Big Ben.”

“Let’s get these boys hitched up to this wagon. So far their limited mental acuity has not processed what we are doing. In their acutely focused attentions, they are still trying to feed the cane w’inguh.”

“There we are, very good. A brace of zombie monsters are now affixed to our gay little cart. Let’s see, eh, hem. Yoo, hoo? Gentlemen? We are ready for you to start our journey! Trot, trot. Walk, walk. Oh, I see. No, my good sirs, this will not do at all. We wish you to walk forward, thus pulling our wagon. The fact that you two fellows are twisted around and are actively trying to bite Miss Froust and me is not what we had in mind at all. I say, rather!”

“’ey! These boys is pushing our cart, not pulling. They keep walking back at us to try to eat us.”

“Good thing that we are just out of range of their lunging and biting attempts eh? I am so happy that their hands are affixed behind their backs and that  the cart traces are holding firm.”

“’ey, Stuffy Stephy, Oye think you just invented the wevuhse gear.”

“Yes, I say, being propelled backwards is not my first choice in handling this coach but one must make adjustments at times for the fickle fate of fortune. If we must allow our wagon to be pushed, rather than pulled, then such is our lot. Though I must say, the awkward zig-zag course induced is most difficult to steer. Quite so, yes, rather.”

“Cor, bloimey! Wiff dese cane stalks towering high ovuh our heads, and these many dirt road intersections, Oye’m already lost! We’ll nevvuh get out o’ ’ere!”

“Not to worry Miss Froust. I believe a small amount of rudimentary nocturnal navigation by means of getting a reading on the stars shall see us through. Yes, the North star is our constant, Miss Froust. I believe our destination, lies directly beneath.”

---

“Hey! Oye sees loights up ahead! Oye betcha that’s the Manah House!”

“Of course, Miss Froust. There was never any doubt, really. This may be the time to abandon our charming pony cart and continue on foot, eh hem? I propose we make a surreptitious entry for as far as we can.”

“Well, yeah, obviouswy toots, but Oye don’t wanna go in empty handed. Let’s sneak into the barn an’ purloin some weaponries, roight?”

“Armaments of some kind, eh? Yes, perhaps that is a wise consideration, Miss Froust.”

“We’ll just tippy toe up to the barn and slip insoide, eh? Hah, the barn door is open. No reason to lock doors around ’ere, Oye don’t guess. Let’s see, what ’ave we got? Cor! Oye don’t believe me oiyes! Machetes, lots and lots of machetes, Miss Sourtartt. Hangin’ on little hooks, row after row of the nasty blades lie waitin’ for us. There’s a whole stack of ’em ovuh ’ere, too! Of course, they need all these machetes for harvesting the sugar cane, roight? We ain’t ’urtin’ for weapons, now, Missy! Two each will do noicely, but we may as well carry a few spare, ’cause ya never know in circumstances as this, when you may want an endless supply of machetes.”

“Mmm-nnn-yes, but no. I really do not relish the concept of becoming involved in some horrific shower of blood, gore, and what have you. I say, no, this is not particularly my milieu, if you will, or perhaps I should just say, not my cup of tea, you see.”

“Oye takes your point. Though Oye could easily envision both o’ us wiff a machete in each hand, falling upon those poor, slower moving devils. Loikes two o’ Hades own berserker she devils we would be! Valhallan vixens of living female fury! Dr-r-r-renched in the blood of our devilish foes, we would dispatch limbs and decapitate the ’eads o’ our ’apless victims in a wave of cwimson...”

“Yes!
Thank you
, Miss Froust, for detailing exactly what I did
not
want to conjure in my mind’s imagination.”

“Hunh? Oh, roight. Let’s not get carried away wiff the fillin’ of our moinds wiff excessive carnage, eh?”

“Hmm. Oh! Yes! I say! This is just the ticket!”

“Hunh? Wot’s dat thingy then?”

“A flail, Miss Froust. A device used in threshing grains from their stalks.”

“Funny looking thingy, just a stick wiffa nuthuh little stick tied to the end of it.”

“Yes, it is a very simple tool, Madame. There are quite a number of them here representing a variety in lengths and weights. This one particular model is chief among them. An eight foot staff is the main component of our stave. The short cord affixed to one end dangles an eighteen inch length of a heavier piece of wood. By holding one end of the rod I can manage an extraordinary amount of control over the shorter bit of wood through the medium of its three inch tether. Observe, for as I maneuver the staff, I in turn, gain a control over the attached stick. By means of rod regulation I can quickly twirl the bound baton, first in an underhand motion to spin the striker with an upward trajectory, and now in an overhand motion to facilitate a downward strike from our corded club. Figure eights are easy to perform and mesmerize the uninitiated, but have little striking power. The true potential of the device is achieved by swinging the main stave in an arcing parabola. This adds a fearsome velocity to our end piece. Observe.”

THWACK!!!

“Cor! You broke the floor boards wiff dat stroike!”

“Yes, quite so.”

“Hunh, ya knows, when Oye was a wee gel, Oye was fascinated wiff Robin Hood. Oye was inspired by the bit where Robin and Little John have their quarterstaff duel for passage ovuh the wittle cweek. Oye played around wiff the artful use of a staff quite a bit when Oye was young and developed some expertise. Oye thinks a rod has always felt good in me hands.”

“Yes, quite, to be sure. I say, here is a matched brace of much shorter sugar cane flails. I shall keep these tucked into my bodice behind my back as secondary weapons and use this long handled thresher as my primary.”

“Do you think you can use that thing in a combative manner, missus?”

“Do you see that machete with the broken handle on that wall?”

“Yeah.”

“The sickle on the opposite wall?”

“Unhunh.”

“The hoe, the bucket, that leaning shovel, and that pulley hook that I have now given a push to get it swinging?”

“Yeah, wot you got in moind, eh?”

“Watch.”

THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!PAH-TING!

“Gweat Gah-wopin’ Goosebewwies! ’ow’d ewe dew dat!?!”