The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (19 page)

“I am a practitioner of a Chinese martial art discipline known as ‘Gung Foo’. Fortune has forced many in some Auriental countries to learn the use of  farm tools as fighting weapons, due to the outlawing of bladed armament. Providence has seen fit that I was honoured with the privilege of learning these techniques. Many clever minds over the years have learned how to use simple farm tools in a defensive manner. Their skills have been honed to a razor’s edge. My instructors generously passed this knowledge on to me and to further generations.”

“Roight! Well then, me dangerous Knoight, Sir Pooftartt, let’s go see what sort of mischief we can get up to.”

~***~

“I say, Miss Froust, I am so happy we opted for a surreptitious entrance. This estate gives every appearance of being in a high state of preparedness, eh, what?”

“Oye’ll say. Every lamp of the house is blazing! That structure loights up the yards around the building for over a hundred feet! There must be seventy or eighty machete wielding zombies stumbling about with orders to chop us up into little sloices on soight.”

“On the good side, I estimate that only half that number await us within. Shall we?”

“Oh, ’ow did Oye gets into dis? Woi do these things always ’appen to me? Sigh. Oh, veh-wy well, let’s go get her accompwished, eh?”

“Quite so.”

THWUD! THWUD! THWUD!

floomp.   floomp.   floomp.

“Those sickening thwuds, so weminiscent of a ripe melon
’
s thump, are apparently very effective as they were followed by the collapsing cadaver heavily hitting the ground like a sack of zombie manure. I better follow suit and bring my quarterstaff to bear before these blokes wealwize dey is under attack. Oh, Agatha Grasshoppers, ’ere goes nuffin’!”

WHACKITY!

WHACK!  WHACK!  WHACK!

“eerrnnh!”

THWUD! THWUD! THWUD!

floomp.   floomp.   floomp.

WHACKITY!

WHACK!  WHACK!  WHACK!

“eerrnnh!   eerrnnh!   eerrnnh!”

“I believe we have lost the element of surprise, Miss Froust. Let us press our way to the main entrance.”

“Roight!”

THWUD! THWOCK! BREAK! SHATTER!

WHACK! CRACK! KER-SMACK! KLACK!

“eerrnnh!   eerrnnh!   eerrnnh!”

“Please mind that you do not inadvertently step into the radius of my thresher’s flail, Miss Froust.”

THWUDDITY-THWUDDITY

THWUDDITY-THWUDDITY

DUP-DUP-DUP-DUP-DUP-THWUD!

“Good, we’ve gained the porch. There’s too many coming out the front door. Let’s go in through the window.”

“A capital plan. Please allow me to dismiss the intervening glass partition.”

KER
-PiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiSSSSHHHH!

“Oye’m in! C’mon, PoofPoof, shake a leg!”

“I shall dispatch just a few more foes with my long handled flail before I drop it aside and step over the window’s smashed transom. I shall now draw and wield the matched set of my shorter, one-handed stalk thresher flails that I had stashed in the laces of my bodice.”

“Let’s fight our way into this next parlour, Princess.”

“Splendid, Miss Froust, though alas, no, this room is devoid of our quarry. Let us pummel our way into the next room, shall we?”

“Oh, drat. Perhaps when we have conquered the many monsters in this room, we shall find our quarry and our friends in the next chamber, eh, hem?”

“Nope, not in here either.”

“Fourth time’s the charm?”

“Let’s foind out.”

“Ah, there you are! Kit, Mr. O’Hagan, and Mr. Temperance. I had a feeling you were in need of our help.”

“Miss Plumtartt! Look out! Run for your life! This room is full of man and woman eating cannibal corpses!”

“Eh, hem, yes, I am well aware of the many flesh eating undead infesting this spacious abode. I suggest you avert your eyes, Mr. Temperance. This zombie population reduction exercise is not going to be pretty.”

THWUDUH-THWACKUH

THWUDUH-THWACHUH

THWUDDITY-THWUDDITY-THWUD!

floompity, floomp, floomp, floomp

“You may open your eyes now, Mr. Temperance.”

“Did you just dispense with these many zombies in that space of time that was just a few seconds in length?”

“Aye, she did! Well done lass. Now be a good girl and free our hands before reanimated reinforcements arrive.”

“Of course, Officer O’Hagan.”

“There, our rescue party is made whole again. What is the next stage of the operation? Do we have any actionable intelligence?”

“Only this, Persephone Darling. This Sku Le’Bizarre chap has already moved out in his high speed
‘DoomBuggy’
. His destination, the volcanoe, Mount Tempestia, or, as our nemesis insists on referring to it as ‘Queen Tempestia’. He still has the rather large policeman, Constable Smith, in his thrall. Correspondingly, Smith the bobby has the Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite restrained under his domineering grip. Our hypothesis is that Sku Le’Bizarre has a diabolical plan involving Dolomite as a catalyst for catastrophe. Something along the lines of a
‘Great Awakening’
of our planet’s slumbering dead masses.”

“Let’s get a move on y’all and fight our way outta here. Well, truthfully, as we make our way out of the house, it looks like the girls did not leave very many zombies unimpaired. I think we can just avoid the ones that are still mobile. That big ol’ volcanoe is easy to see at any time. Especially the way it lights the sky with its fiery orange emissions. We shouldn’t have any trouble makin’ our way there.”

“I say, look there, I believe I saw a sparkle of light on a dirt roadway.”

“Yeah, ewe did. It came from the volcanoe’s blazing illumination refwectin’ from the glistenin’ bald head of that figure stumblin’ down that dirt road towards us. Careful, me pretties, it moight be anothuh zombie!”

“Hey! You zombies I see up ahead of me all clustered together in a little whispering group, don’t just stand there, come assist me! I am your greatest overseer! I am High Attorney and Overseer Howard C. Cross! Bear me to the main house and fix me a Pina Colada! And make it snappy!”

“Nae, I doon’t think so, me libelous, loquacious, litigator.”

“Hey! You’re not zombie slaves! I know you, you’re that horrible little troll detective, Joshua O’Hagan! Thanks to you, I’m gonna sue the city of Los Angelos back into the iron age!”

“Aye, that’s very nice, counselor. In the mean time, though, we are going to invite you to accompany us on a little excursion to visit Sku Le’Bizarre.”

“Don’t you
dare
attempt to speak to my client without his having his attorney present! This little excursion will certainly prove to be a most profitable one! Now, take me to my leader!”

“Hah, hah, hah. Your Majesty, my Queen Tempestia! The time has come to rouse you from your long slumber! The time of the prophesied
‘Great Awakening’
is at hand! Your conquering army of the dead is prepared to swarm over the face of the Earth in service to the High Queen of San Monique!”

“Here at the foot of Your volcanoe, I have had the jungle cut back, exposing the strip of land between the rise of Your jagged, black volcanic sides, and the miles of sugar cane fields. It is in this deforested area of land that I have had my Pyramid erected! Rising up in a pale imitation of your own greatness and beauty, this shall be the place that I present my sacrifice. Far below, the cane fields stretch out behind me. The apex of this Pyramid is even higher than the jungle trees, but it is nothing before the Great Queen Tempestia! Here at the pyramid
’
s summit, I have placed my sacrificial altar. This great onyx basalt surface, shall be the vessel from which You feed! The wide table is laden with Your meal!”

r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

“Hah, hah, hah. The Earth’s violent land tremors tell me that You hear my words! The island shudders with increasing frequency in Your excitement!”

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“Hah, hah, hah. The magnificent geyser of lava you launch into the air represents your exhilaration, my Queen! Your grandeur lights the night sky with its fiery orange illumination! The softer ‘pluh’ sound of the heavy lava falling back into the rising table of molten rock, brings to mind that which quickly approaches.”

“All the proper spells have been chanted and spoken. The charms built and the offerings burned. All that remains is this sacrificial slaughter, and the
‘Great Awakening’
will be brought to be!”

“Not by the hair of my chinny, chin-chin! I say unto thee, thou sinister minister with the acrylic smile, ah-
No!
-ah!”

“Hah, hah, hah.
Shut up!
You have no call in this you troublesome man, mon. You defied my will and now you shall suffer for your insolence!”

“Queen Tempestia! I give to you, the Holy Man, Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite!”

r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

“Hah, hah, hah.”

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“I raise my ceremonial dagger on high and proclaim unto you...”

“Howdy!”

“What!”

“Hey there, Mr. Mystique Sku Le’Bizarre, sir. You need to quit with all this mean nonsense you got going on around here. Now you just settle down and quit actin’ like you’re gonna stick poor ol’ Reverend Dolomite with that there evil looking dagger you got.”

“Curse, curse, curse! It’s Ichabod Temperance and those meddling kids again. What a despicable sight it is to see you defile my perfect pyramid. Cease your hasty scrambling where you are, halfway up the cane fields side of the Pyramid. Stay back! Your bon bon intentions only lead to your demise! Hah, hah, hah.”

“I think not, old boy, you see we have your libelous lawyer, Howard C. Cross, in our possession. One false move with that dagger towards the good cleric Dolomite, and I shall be forced to inflict the same traumas upon the inconsiderate counselor of considerable chaos. I suggest you be a good chappy and release the Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite, immediately.”

“I’m sorry, S.L.B., I fought these fiends tooth and nail but they finally beat me with some crooked chicanery! In the end, I decided that I would better serve my client, that being you, Skullo, if I allowed them to think they had me in their control. In reality, I was just leading these schmucks along, allowing them to foolishly let us reunite! Together, side by side, we are invincible! With your brawn and my brains, these half-wits will just be the first of our many victories!”

“Desist with your endless blithering, Cross! Bah! The lawyer is no good to me anymore, Eppington. Slay him if you wish.”

“What! I’m your number one guy, Skullzy!”

“You are nothing to me Howard C. Cross! You are fired! I banish you from your place as my legal counselor and financial overseer!”

“What! After all I’ve done for you? Oh, yeah? Well, you can’t fire me, because I quit! You can just get yourself out of this jam, because I am out of here! Let go of me, Eppington. I will track you down and garnish your winnings from here to doomsday! Ciao, babies!”

“Goodnight, Mr. Cross, sir!”

~sneer~
“Harumph!”

“Hah, hah, hah. The time of the
‘Great Awakening’
is here. You fools cannot stop me, and you cannot stop that which is coming! Hah, hah, hah!”

“Aye, ye can laugh all the back to a nice comfy jail cell back in Los Angelos, me painted villain. Just put down the knife, you bone mugged hooligan.”

“Hah, hah, hah.
No!
I will not put down the knife, O’Hagan, for after I slay Dolomite, I will use it to destroy you, your partner, and these idiot friends that have so foolishly joined you in this ill-fated...
OW!
My hand! I have been struck with a missile, forcing me to drop my jewel encrusted dagger!”

“I told y’all I was sharp with a rock and a sling. C’mon, you all, let’s save our pals!”

“Slave Smith! Release Dolomite. Leave him to me. Go and slay your friends!”

“Yes, Master.”

“My word! Our beloved Officer Smith is approaching with something other than courteous intentions. We may need to repel our erstwhile friend from his application of a less than affectionate grip on our persons.”

“Careful y’all, Don’t nobody club him! He’s still our pal, even though he now intends us grievous bodily harm, so we’ll have to try and subdue him without hurtin’ him too badly.”

“Stay back. He’s me partner, I’ll handle this. Now Keefer m’la...
WOAH!
”

“Look out, y’all, Officer Smith has got Officer O’Hagan and he is holding him high up in the air over his head!”

“Great blazing bolts of blue, does he actually mean to hurl the Irishman down upon us, as if he were some castle defender hurling boulders down on his attackers? Eep. Good days in May, he does! Prepare for an incoming Irish missile assault!”

“Hah, hah, hah, that’s it, Slave Smith. Now then where was I? Oh, oui, my dagger. Let’s see I think it went over...”

BAM!!!

“I bring the righteous fist of indignant anger against you, you, painted clown! Ah-eee-yea-
Ess!
-ah! My left arm is hanging numbly by my side, still suffering from lack of proper blood circulation, but my good right arm is ready to knock you out, Sku Le’Bizarre!”

“Ah! Curse you, Dolomite. Lay back down on that altar!”

“Ah-
No!
-Ah! I’m gonna get in a few more roundhouse rights while my left arm slowly regains consciousness, Hallelujah!”

“Look out y’all, Officer Smith is pursuing his momentary advantage while everybody is bowled over. He’s a’comin’ after us and I don’t think it’s to help us up. Hey, Miss Mimi Ma’am, quick, shove that sturdy looking stick you got through Smith’s legs. I’ll grab the other side and we’ll trip him up!”

“’ey! Lip up, copper!”

“RRRRRRRRRRRRR.”
-splat-

“Oh, Keefer m’lad, that long fall to the stone stairs ending with you landing square on your face must not have been a pleasant thing to occur to ye mug, m’boy.”

“Hurry everybody! Now’s our chance! Let’s get that bad ol’ Sku Le’Bizarre!”

“Ah-
Yes!
-Ah! I got him right where I want him, Itchy-bod! Come here you frightful devil, y... ooooo.”

“Hah, hah, hah. I was fortunate to have my cane at hand and able to introduce it to a sensitive area of the Reverend. Hah, hah, hah.”

“Bad show! I say, striking Reverend Dolomite in the privates with that steel skull headed cudgel constitutes a literal low blow, old sport. Yes, quite so. I think we shall all enjoy paying you back for that, you Caribbean Cad. Hear, hear!”

“Bah! I don’t think so, mon! I shall take up my cane and knock some respect into
you
, I think, oui!”

“Come along, Miss Froust, let us engage this ruffian in stick play.
En guard
, Monsieur!”

“Roight you are, Miss Plumtartt, between your brace of sugar cane flails and me Sherwood Forest bridge displacement devoice, we’ll make short work of big, dark and menacing, here.”

“Hah, hah, hah. I have no compunction nor hesitation in striking a woman! If you come any closer I shall destroy you!”

“We’ll see about that, my good man.
Hadjame!
”

“Bottoms up, dearie!”

“Die, you insolent women!”

Whickety-Bhickety-Klickity-Klack!

“Dang, y’all, there’s so many flails, canes and sticks flying around in that whirlwind of fighting fury, we can’t even get close!”

“Stand by, Ickety. We’ll get him the moment an opportunity presents itself.”

Whackity-Klackity-Backety-Bhick!

“I say sir, you are a skilled canesman. You survive our furied flurry with flair my friend.”

“Oye’ll give credit where credit is due. You’re a fine man at stick fighting, Sku Le’Bizarre. ’ow do ewe dew it?”

“My anger and my magics! I have spells that grant me fighting skills over any opponent!”

Whickety-Bhickety-Klickity-Klack!

Whackity-Klackity-Backety-Bhick!

Klickety-Klick!

Klackety-Klack!

Whickety-Klickety-Bhickety-Whack!

“Even as I maintain my high speed assault of uncountable full arm stroke swings of the duel sugar cane stalk thrashers, I gather my ‘Gung Foo’ honed mental focus to bear. Ohm... Ohm... Ohm... There! That should suffice. I now pause in my thrash attack to cast my glowing red orbs! I form a powerful scarlet sphere of immense energy concentration at my fingertips, and to you, Sku Le’Bizarre, I say,
‘at you!’
and release the crimson ball with dire intent!”

FAH
-
WHOOMP
-
PAH
.
WHOOOSH!!!

“I have the strength and the magic charms that allow me to absorb the globe of rouge electric energies and hurl it back at you foolish woman like this!”

FAH
-
WHOOMP
-
PAH
.
WHOOOSH!!!

“Oh!”

“Miss Plumtartt!”

“’owevuh, Oye gets the opportunity to beat you about loikes dis!”

WHACKITY-WHACK!

WHICKETY-WHICK!

WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Curse you, woman! I shall put you down with this!”

THUD.

“Oh...”

“Miss Mimi Ma’am!”

“Hah, hah, ha-unh?”

“Gotcha! I told ye’ we’d get ye’ when the opportunity arose!”

“Bah! Curse you, O’Hagan, Temperance, Dolomite, and Effington...”

“I beg your pardon, that’s ‘Eppington’.”

“Whatever, mon! I hate you all as I stumble about this pyramid’s apex, the volcanoe angrily rumbling and churning behind me as you four men are all piled up on top of me  to try to get me to the ground.”

“Ah-
Yes!
-Ah! You are defeated, Sku Le’Bizarre! You can’t stumble around here with all four of us clinging to you!”

“Aye, it’s just a matter o’ time, now.”

“C’mon and give up, Mr. Sku Le’Bizarre. I don’t like being so close up underneath such an increasingly active volcanoe. In fact, if I’m not mistaken a few globlets of molten lava landed nearby from that last tectonic hiccup.”

“Temperance is right, old bean. It’s time to move past this whole,
‘Grand Awakening’
scheme and face facts. We have you defeated, old chap.”

“I shall never concede defeat! It is
I
that shall be victorious over
you
, mon!”

Phloooooph!

“Augh! Cough! Cough! Ah, can’t see, y’all! Ah can’t breathe neither!”

“Aye! These poisonous purple fumes emanating from the devil’s cane are choking and blinding me! I can’t maintain me hold on the perpetrator!”

“Blast it, cough, cough, I cannot keep a grip on our conundrum clad culprit, men.”

“Ah-no-ah! Cough, cough! We cannot let him escape us! Cough, cough! Alas, I too am forced to loose my hold on this VooDoo Devil!”

“Hah, hah, hah. The womens, I grab you both by the hair and drag you away to the volcanoe. Slave Smith, kill these four men while they are disabled by my ‘Purple Phungue’. You two women shall be my offering to the great Queen Tempestia! Tell me, you two are both still virgins, aren’t you?”