The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (21 page)

“Dang, this here spirally precipedic ridge is makin’ me dizzy. Or is it the dizzyin’ height? That makes sense. It’s probably that.”

“Finally, I’ve made it to the top of the volcanoe. It is surprisingly flat and level, all the way around the rim, with an average of twenty or twenty five feet of width between the outer and inner edges.”

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HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“Woah! That lava sure is hot! These great geysers of molten magma gettin’ flung into the air sure are a lot bigger up close. This volcanoe pit is deep and pretty far across to the other side. I make it at probably fifty yards in diameter. Say, do I hear voices comin’ to me from across the way?”

...

“Hah, hah, hah. Your struggles are to no avail! The time of cataclysmic change is upon us! You, Persephone Plumtartt, are to be my sacrificial offering to initiate the
‘Great Awakening’
!”

“Unhand me, you horrid cad! I think it behaviour ungentlemanly and cowardly to wrench me about by my hair, sir! My word, I say. Ouch!”

“Shut up, woman. I cannot bear the sound of your voice! Be silent for the ritual. Show a little respect you terrible example of womanhood. No wonder you’re still a v...”

“That’s enough outta you Mr. Sku Le’Bizarre! You turn Miss Plumtartt a’loose right now, you big bully!”

“You! Something-or-other Temperance! You dare to defy me by yourself? Hah, hah, hah. Queen Tempestia shall enjoy the indulgence of your innocence as well, for it is written all over your face that you are still uninitiated in the affairs of sexuality. Hah, hah, hah.”

“That ain’t none of your business, sir! I’m sorry to defy you and all Mr. Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, but I love that gal you’ve got a hold of in your merciless grip. I’m pretty certain that she reciprocates in kind. You just gotta let her go!”

“Hah, hah, hah. You pathetic fool! Kneel before the VooDoo Master, San Monique’s, Sku Le’Bizarre! Do it, or I shall throw her to the fiery pit!”

r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“Okay, Mr. Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, sir! I’ll do it! Just don’t hurt Miss Plumtartt!”

“Mr. Temperance, no!”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I’m gonna place my hands on top of my head, and then kneel, bowing my head all the way to the ground like this.”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

“I suggest you do the same thing, Miss Plumtartt, only, I would suggest that you make extra sure to clamp your hands into place securely before executing the maneuver with crisp authority.”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

“I do think that I take your meaning, Mr. Temperance. I believe that you are actually, covertly, encouraging me to deliberately hold my assailant’s hand in place atop my head and then quickly kneel in such a manner that I forcefully drop my forehead to the volcanoe’s deck with as much momentum as possible eh? Like this?
Wah-Hai-Eee Yiaw!”

“Hah, hah, huhh?! Eee-Yiiieeeep!
Ow!
Ow!Ow!Ow!Ow!”

“That there was a sure ’nough nice execution, Miss Plumtartt! Your curtsy of crunch did more than break that hair hold, I think you sprained his wrist!”

“Please forgive me, but I must say that I jolly well hope I did!”

“Miss Plumtartt!”

“I mean it, Mr. Temperance! Now then, beware, for our foe rallies. He still maintains possession of his lethal cane. Are you armed, sir?”

“I got a set of them sugar cane beaters.”

“They shall have to suffice. Now get in there and wipe that ugly, painted smile off of Sku Le’Bizarre’s face!”

“Yes, Ma’am!”

“Baaah!”

Whick! Bhick! Whackity!

Whick! Bhick! Bah-bhick!

“You do well to block my strikes, mon, the way you hold your flail from either end, opposite the tether. You continually reposition your threshing sticks, sometimes bracing one arm against the other for support and always keeping a pushing and pulling tension for stability, but I shall surely defeat you with my far superior size and strength!”

Whack! Bhack! Whickety!

Whack! Bhack! Bah-whick!

“Try striking the fellow, Mr. Temperance!”

“I’m trying to, Miss Plumtartt, but I am too busy using these little roped sticks to block these many cane swings to get a good chance!”

“Hah, hah, hah! I have you, little man!”

“Not if I can catch your cane with the string of my threshing tool! By twisting with the motion of your swing I now have your cane solidly ensnared in my quaint farm implement! Stepping through under your arm I now possess the position and leverage to wrench the cane from your grasp! Completing my turn allows me to fling your dang ol’ beastly baton into this fiery pit of liquid rock. If we listen real close, we might hear it burn up in an instant incineration.”

pssssssssssss-phhhiiitt!

Bam! “Curse!” Bam! “You!” Bam! “Temp!” Bam! “Er!” Bam! “Ance!” Bam! “I!” Bam! “Shall!” Bam! “Pum!” Bam! “Mel!” Bam! “You!” Bam! “For!” Bam! “Your!”  Bam! “Crimes!” Bam! Bam! Bam! “Hah, hah, hah!” Bam! Bam! B...

Kah-Thwauckah!

“Ow-wow!”

“That is more than enough, sir! Another kick in the ear awaits you, Monsieur! Quite so, rather, I say! I rain my kicks down upon you in a lethal barrage!”

“Ow! Ow! Ow!”

“Suffer my Plumtarttalypse of ‘Gung Foo’ feminosity!”

“Adam Smasher Throat Thrust!”
teh-klllck!

“Solar Plexus Radiation Stomp!”
Pllllph!

“Double Marble Kick for the Stars!”
ker-thwockul!

“Yes, rather, I say. You are hereby defeated, my menacing opponent. I take it on my own authority to place you under...”

Bam!
“
Shut up, woman!
Just sit there where my punch has landed you. After I throw this limp bag of sugar cane juice, vejon we call it, into the rising magma, I will send you after your hero.”

“Hah, hah, hah. I grab the horrid little toad-man in the sissy shirt by the belt of his overly tight white pants at the small of his back. With a great show of contempt, I am thinking, oui, I shove his Dingle-Berry Hat head down and between my legs. Prepare my Queen! Here is the first of your two innocent sacrifices! Hah, hah, hah!”

r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“Hah, hah, hah. I now bend over and grasp the pusillanimous, interfering, interloper in a secure waist lock. With a tremendous burst of strength I am thinking, I wrench you, Ichabod Temperance, high in the air, your legs flopping over my shoulders and across my back. I now run to the ledge and cast your pitiful carcass down into the fiery embrace of Queen Tempestia! Like
this!”

“Ichabod! I am powerless to stop Sku Le’Bizarre from raising my Ichabod high before him and throwing him into that fiery pit of molten lava!
No!”

“Hello, what’s this? Mr. Temperance has concurrently thrown his own body backward in simultaneous harmony with the VooDoo Mystique’s murderous heave. A cross-legged knee pinch on the pitcher’s head has thrown the murder-man to his own boot over bonnet destruction directly behind my Ichabod!”

“Unh!” “Aye-eeeiiiiaahh!”

“I must quickly scramble to the volcanic ledge and peer over in order to ascertain whether my sweet Ichabod still lives. Oh yes! Mr. Temperance! There you are! I thought I might find you here, desperately clinging to the barest of fingerholds along the volcanoe’s rock wall.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, but you better not worry ’bout me none, you just go on and run for your life! I’m kinda stuck down here with Sku Le’Bizarre danglin’ from my leg.”

“Hah, hah, hah. You shall be my sacrifice, yet, you fool! Queen Tempestia awakens! The magma is rising!”

“My word, yes, so I see.”

“Run Miss Plumtartt!”

“Join us, foolish woman! It is not too late to offer yourself as sacrifice! I shall surely take this Temperance worm into the Pit with me! Hah, hah, hah! Leap into the volcanoe voluntarily, and I will release my hold on the boy. Without my grip on his leg holding my substantial weight, he might have a chance to live, but if you do not, he will surely die.”

“How am I to confirm this, if I have already perished, eh hem? Your track record of chivalrous action is rather tarnished sir. I am sorry to report that I have no confidence in your promise of good behaviour. Yes, I say, rather.”

“I swear by Queen Tempestia that I will honour my agreement!”

“Don’t you listen to him Miss Plumtartt! You know you can’t trust him! Please, Ma’am, run away!”

“My word, I think not! That would be construed a a grievous breach of character on my part, don’t you think, eh, hem?”

“But you can’t sacrifice yourself Miss Plumtartt! Tell you what, how ’bout if I just let go here from where I can’t really hold on any longer, no how, and just be done with it?”

“No, Mr. Temperance, this too I find unacceptable.”

“Join us you British babblehead, jump!”

“No, this option too, I find not to my liking. Rather, my conjecture is that you, my not-so-good mystic, will relent your hold upon Mr. Temperance when I drop this large rock I have picked up down upon you, Monsieur. The substantial stone will encourage you to release your grip on Mr. Temperance, thusly.”

-drop-

“
No!
Unh! Aye-eeeiiiiaahh!”

pssssssssssss-phhhiiitt!

“Run for it Miss Plumtartt! Thanks for gettin’ that mean ol’ Sku Le’Bizarre off me, but the magma is rising fast, now! Forget me, save yourself, Ma’am!”

“Nonsense, Mr. Temperance. Not without you, my little fool. Now then, if I lay out upon the ground and stretch down my hand to you, I think I can almost reach you...”

“I’m reachin,’ Miss Plumtartt!”

r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

HAH-WAH-
W
H
O
O
OM!!!

pluuuuuuuh.

“Oh, dear, I say, just a bit more, my Ichabod.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, that is, I mean, I’m tryin’ Persephone!”

“Yes, my dear, there are the first brushings of your beloved fingertips. A tenuous grip follows. This is then pursued by a solid and mutual wrist grasp. And I have you!”

“Gee whiz, thanks a lot Miss, … Miss Persephone. Now run! That lava’s hot on our trail!”

“I’m running Ichabod, but I do not think we shall be in time! The lava is rising fast within the volcanoe’s glowing pit! It shall crest the rim before we make it to the precipice path!”

“Just run, Ma’am, now jump!”

“Unh!” “Oh!”

“We made it Miss Plumtartt! Now just keep a runnin’; there ain’t no need to look back.”

“Indeed Mr. Temperance, so you say, yet I find the allure of a quick glance back, too much to resist. I say, sir, your hold upon my hand as we fly down this spiraling mountainside path is as warm as the liquid rock that is now bubbling over the rim and is pursuing us down this narrow ledge.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt. I’m sorry about my perspirin’ palms, but I am very happy to be holding your hand. It is a thrill and a relief to be in contact with you, even if we are imperiled by a tectonic tidal tsunami of liquid orange tundra. That ol’ wall of molten magma is mounting momentum, Ma’am. We need to make tracks and mush. Keep a’hold, though. This is liable to be our last seconds on Earth and I want to be holding your hand, Miss Persephone.”

“Mr. Temperance?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt?”

“What shall we do when we get to the crater in our path?”

“We’ll just have to go into it running as hard as we can and hope we make it to the other side. I think we gotta fifty/fifty chance of making it.”

“I see, any words of advice as we quickly approach this daunting obstacle?”

“Yes, Ma’am. I’ve found that in situations such as this, it is better to just do and not think.”

“I see.”

“Here we go!
Jump!”

“Aaaah-

            -

            -

            -

                        -Gotcha!”

“Hey! Smith, O’Hagan, Eppington, Miss Mimi Ma’am and Reverend Dolomite! You all stuck around when you shoulda been runnin’ for your lives!”

“Wot? We couldn’t vewy well wun off an’ weaves you inna jam loikes dis! Pull ’em up, boys,
now
is the time to flee in terror before the lava’s onslaughtte.”

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