The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (7 page)

P.O.V. Ichabod Temperance

“This forty-eight hour chase is coming to a close, Ickety! We’re out of water an’ coal, baughtte we’re going to make it!”

“Yessir, Officer O’Hagan. Looks like we’re tearin’ through Houston, right now.”

“Aye, I soospect we’ll be roonin’ up the caboose o’ our quarry at any time.”

“Can we at least apply just a little bit of brakes, Officer O’Hagan? This out of control train might be construed as a public menace.”

“Perhaps joost a tad, lad, baughtte I wants to surprise our mischievous mystic unawares.”

“Aye. I mean, yessir. Oop! There’s the other train’s caboose up ahead! Let’s go ahead and apply a lotta brakes!”

“Aye!”

SKRRR-
REEEEEEEEEERNNNCH!!!!

“Hang on, Ickety, we’re going to coolide!”

“Yessir!”

KAH-
BOOGIE!!!

HAH-BOOGE!

HAH-BOOGE!

HAH-BOOGE!

HAH-BOOGE!

HAH-BOOGE!

HAH-BOOGE!

“Oooph. Are you okay, Officer O’Hagan?”

“Oooh, aye.”

“Dang, our poor ol’ train is all zig-zagged up, one car sideways against the next like a great big accordion.”

“Yes, Ickety, baughtte as they say, any train wreck you can crawl away from is a good train wreck. Come on, let’s hoof it before we have to answer for this little mishap.”

“Yessir! That has always been my policy.”

“Quiet. Aye, look there, me little Alabama side-kick. I see the trailing dregs of Sku Le’Bizarre’s personal posse!”

“Aye. Oops! I mean, yessir.”

“I believes them to bee making faer the docks, Ickety! We’ve got to stop them!”

“I estimate that beyond Howard C. Cross, Reverend Dolomite and our own entranced Officer Keefer Smith, that West Indian Warlock, Sku Le’Bizarre, has about twenty zombie goons left in his army. Looks like it is taking about six of ’em to handle Reverend Dolomite. Can we do it?”

“Aye! Follow me Ickety!”

Biff!   Bam!   Boom!

Zap!   Pow!   Thwok!

Bingo!   Bango!   Bongo!

“That’s it, Officer O’Hagan! We’ve fought our way through the mindless minions to get to the principal parties!”

“Keefer lad! Snap out of it! Why do you look at me like that? Don’t ye’ recognize me? I’m your partner. I’m the one true and loyal friend ye can always depend on. Whenever there’s trouble, I’m always within taggin’ reach, I am. Keef...”

bam.

“Officer O’Hagan! Officer Smith, what have you done? You just struck down your best friend!”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

“Quit laughing, Sku Le’Bizarre, I’m gonna fix yer little red wagon, mister!”

“Hah, hah, hah.”

skoooooooooooooshhhhhh.

“Cough, cough, gag!”

“Hah, hah, hah. How do you like the thick, choking plumes of purple smoke that issue from my ingenious cane? Hah, hah, hah! By your collapsing frame, I surmise that you do not like them very much. Adieu, you worm. The island of San Monique awaits her Master.”

“Ickety! Can ye hear me? Wake up!”

“Hunh? What happened?”

“We been clobbered, lad.”

“Where is Sku Le’Bizarre?”

“He moost have had a boat stashed away here in Galveston. Paerhaps a nice ocean going steamer.”

“That sure is a nice lump on your head your partner gave you.”

“Thanks, lad.”

“What do we do now?”

“Well, seeing how my partner has seen fit to try and split me skull with a blunt instrument, that being his great bloody fist, and yae’re being doomped by the lovely Persephone Plumtartt, I say there’s only one thing you an’ I can do.”

“What’s that, sir?”

“Git bloody droonk as a Scotsman!”

“Yessir! Oops! I mean, Aye!”

---

“Anubber bar, Othifer O’Hagoo?”

“A, -hick!- a, -hick!- a, aye!”

“Wazza nama dis wun?”

“‘The Dew Drop Out’.”

“Sounz lika winner. Lezgo.”

“It’s a dimly lit urban cave we enter, Ickety. Joost a few candles burning in red tinted glass holders saerve for illumination.”

“Dang, it sure is hazy with smoke in here.”

“Aye, I have’s tae waves the soooty autmoospheres baefore me tae makes me way through the choking, murky, morass. The clingy miasma presents a palpable resistance to me forward progress.”

“Yessir, but ain’t it funny how there is always the same omnipresent smell of old nicotine and ancient, beer-soaked carpets to welcome you to a dive like this wherever you go?”

“Aye, ’tis a comfort of sorts, I suppose.”

“Whattayahave, boys?”

“Ah, Barkeep, bless ye me lad. I’ll bee enjoying a ’dublin Dragon Dowser’, and me green-gilled mate would like you to serve him up a nice moog o’ ‘Mississippi Mudde’; dry, shaken, not churned.”

“I’m not familiar with those, sir, how about I just sell you this bottle of whiskey and you two can both obliviate yourselves in the comfort of a boothed table.”

“Aye, a capital plan, laddie! Ah, here we are. Settle in there, Ickety. Now then, my lumpy head is still achin, so’s I propose a toast to me boomped gnoggin.”

“Shalloot.”

“Ah, thanky lad.”

“Here’s to Pip Kittington. May he make Miss Plumtartt happy, where I was such a miserable failure.”

“Sahlute.”

“Toast me gloorious goose egg sproutin’ off me forehead.”

“Aleut.”

“Lez toaze deh hap-hap-happy couple.”

“Sally’s lute.”

““Lessh toaze ...”

“Excuse mee Ickety. I must go an’ visit the little Irish copper’s room.”

“Is datta euphemism?”

“No, I’ll be back innae minute if I can find the facilities and then me way back again.”

“Good luck, Occifer.”

“Dang ol’ handsome and charming Kit Eppington. Waz he got I ain’t got? Cept, bein’ all tall, dark, and handsome? Impeccable manners, a sparkling personality and adept at charming, glib conversation? An impressive physique, brutally intelligent, and an easy, effortless suavibility? Except for all that, I could be as good as him. Dang, this drinkin’ stuff ain’t really helpin’ none. I wonder what’s a feller traditionally done to make himself feel better after something like this?”

“allo, sailuh. Evuh done duty onna heavy cruiser?”

“Wowza! Uhbuh, I means, wow-wee! No ma’am, I ain’t.”

“Would you like to?”

“Hunh?”

“Boiys me a dwink, sailuh-boy.”

“Yes, Ma’am, but I ain’t really a sailor.”

“All me boys is sailuhs, see?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Wot does ye say, sailuh-boy, goin’ to buy me dat dwink?”

“How’s ‘bout a slug offa da bottle?”

“Good enough, wuvver.” -
swig
-

“Dang, yer a pretty lady. All of you is really fine. I am suitably impressed with your bounteous charms that threaten to overflow your shiny, red and black vertical striped dress with festive, feathery, highlights and flouncy, friendly fringe. I sure do like the sparkly and flouncy fashions you dance hall gals come up with. Funny thing though, you ain’t gotta Texas accent, Ma’am.”

“That’s roight, sailuh-boy, Oye’m still’a London East End gel, even if fortune has tossed me upon these unforgiving Colonial shores.”

“Gee whiz, you’re a right friendly gal, ain’t ya? You sure do like to snuggle in tight, in this here bar booth, Ma’am.”

“That’s roight, it’s onna counta me loikin’ you, little sailuh boy.”

“I, I, I guess maybe I have been a little lonely lately.”

“None o’ that now, me rag-muffin. Wot’s your name, wittle fella.”

“Ichabod.”

“Ha, ha! Ichabod! Oye nevuh knew no Ichabod a’fore. A few itchy bodies maybe, but not a true life Ichabod.”

“Yes, Ma’am, that’s me. What’s your name?”

“Me? Woi, me name’s Mirabella Froust, it is, but seein’s ’ow Oye likes ewe so much Icksi, Oye’m gonna let you use me pet name.”

“Waz zat, Ma’am?”

“Mimi!”

“Mimi’s a real nice name, Ma’am. It’s kinda friendly and flouncy, like you, Ma’am.”

“Ha, ha! That’s Mimi! Come on, Icksi, don’t be stingy, pours me another dwink!”

P.O.V. Miss Persephone Plumtartt

“You must admit, Persephone, that our prey has not been difficult to track.”

“I readily concede that point, Kit.” I answer my charming companion. “From the particularly destructive disaster at the train yards we found upon our arrival, to this unbroken trail of broken city and upturned properties leading to the seaside, our quarry has been kind enough to not be sneaky.”

“That is where our good fortune has run out, my lady. We have had many first hand witness accounts of the dangerous mobbe of peoples that this fellow Sku Le’Bizarre affects to maintain about his person.”

“We have even heard descriptions of energetic combat by two slightly built gentlemen that no doubt respectively represent our own Mr. Temperance and Officer O’Hagan.”

“I agree, Persephone. I have constantly kept a weather eye open for the feisty duo but have yet to set sight upon them, curse the luck.”

“We shall make inquiries as to any news of our lost friends, Kit.”

“Capital plan, Persephone. Where to begin? Ah, yes, let us start with this young woman with the bag of sticks under her arm. I say, she is a looker. The corseted saloon girl party dress she wears is filled out in a most pleasing fashion.”

“I do not believe I have ever seen a ‘Gibson Girl’ hairdo built to such extraordinary proportions before. And that cannot be a natural shade of red in her hair, I am positive of that.”

“Do you care for the ruffly petticoats that show from the waist high slit that runs up her left thigh? I confess Persephone, there is an alluring attractiveness to this skirt style that I cannot deny.”

“Eh, hem, yes, quite, I say, if you say so, Kit.”

“I say, Persephone. As to that bag of sticks tucked under her arm, does it appear to be wearing a familiar, black derby hat?”

“Why yes, Kit. Furthermore, I believe I recognize that hat! My word! Yes! I should say so!”

“Wot you looking at lady? If ya got ’em, flaunt ’em, ’at’s wot Oye says.”

“I beg your pardon, Madame, it was not your ‘décolletage’ I was admiring. As it is, I was in search of that little chap in your possession.”

“Wot?! Dis one’s mine, dearie. Oye landed ’im fair an’ square. Ain’t dis ’ere tall dark an’ droolly gentleman here your date? Oh, Oye gets it. ’e’s the fella wot you works for in this profession. Not me, honey. Oye’m an independent, sees?”

“I say, my word, rather, not, I should say. We do not, my good woman, share your profession. I say, my word.”

“Look there, Persephone, Temperance looks as if he may be regaining a small measure of consciousness.”

“Uhhh, hunhhhh...???”

“Ah, Mr. Temperance? Are you back there behind those red, vacant, glassy eyes that blink with limited comprehension?”

“Uhhhh, Miss … Plumtartt...???”

“Why yes, it is I, Persephone Plumtartt, along with the sober and dashing Kit Eppington. We are familiar with your features, Mr. Temperance, but we would be ever so grateful for an introduction to your charming friend whose red dyed feather dress trimmings are little camouflage for you to hide in.”

“Uhhh, you mean Mimi?”

“
OH!
It’s
Mimi
, is it? I say, it is ever so charming to make your acquaintance, …
Mimi!
”

“You holds on roight there Little Miss Snot-Nose! Oye’m Mimi to me friends, Oye am, but you’se can calls me ‘Miss Froust’.”

“Why, of
course
, ‘
Miss
Froust’! My word, certainly, I say!”

“Come on, Icksi, we ain’t gotta stand ’ere an’ takes no guff from dis ’ere pwivileged princess. Oye gots plans for you, lovie.”

“Hunh?”

“My word!”

“Oye knows wotz me wittle Icksi likes, don’t Oye, love, eh? You’se likes it when Oye tickles you loikes dis!”

“Tee,hee,hee,hee,hee,hee,hee!”

“My word!”

“An’ when Oye tickle wickle you’se loike dis!”

“Tee,hee,hee,hee,hee,hee,hee!”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“An’ when Oye gives you a nice big smacker loikes dis.”

-Sah-Moooooooo-Chah!-

“Oh! Gracious! My word! Well! Well! Well! Well, come here Kit!”

Saaaah-

MO
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O-

OO
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O-

OO
O
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O-

OO
O
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O-

chah!!!