The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (3 page)

“Those big ol’ crab claws on the front of that buggy sure do toss any kind of cart or wagon from its path, don’t they?”

“Aye, an’ ourre munitions dwindle as the armoured mech proves tae bae invulnerable to our boullets.”

“Hey, quick y’all, dash over this way!”

“No Icky! That’s a swamp over there!”

“Aye, bhaughtte it be too late! The maunstaer has us trapped in this infernal muck.”

“Don’t walk on it, y’all, you’ll get stuck! Lay on your belly and slide/swim on the shallow surface. It’s just a layer of a few inches of water on top of a terribly sticky nastiness under the brackish surface.”

“But my dress, Citizen Ichabod!”

“Bhaughtte mae dress, Ickety!”

“Oh! My word! But my dress, Mr. Temperance!”

“But my frock, you little Alabama fool!”

“Sorry, about all y’all’s dresses, y’all, but please trust me.”

“Hah, hah, hah. I have you now, bonnes hommes, oui! You cannot escape me!”

“The pointy legs are going to puncture us, Citizen Ichabod!”

“Aye, and the pincers are going to scissor us in halfsies!”

“Hallelujah! I don’t know girls, it looks like the monster is slowing down! Praise God!”

“Yessir, that’s onna ’counta of this being a pit of pitch.”

“Language, Ickety!”

“That’s quite all right, Mr. O’Hagan. I say, Mr. Temperance, I do believe you had every intention of luring this monster onto this treacherous tar volcanoe with a thought to trapping it, did you not?”

“Yes Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I knew of this place to gather tar for water-proofing purposes. It’s got the painfully redundant name of ‘The La Brea Tar Pits’. This geyser of natural tar has been a bountiful resource for the water-proofing of shipping and other water-tight needs. Tragically, it has been a source of death to many unwary animals, due to its stick-fast qualities. On the bright side, it has worked well to entrap our pursuer.”

“Praise God! I needed a long stick to extend to my friends and here is one right at hand. Hallelujah! Just a minute, this is not a branch, it’s a bone. No, wait, is it a horn, or is it maybe an antler? Well, if that’s the case, this here antelope must have been fifty feet tall, if this antler is any indication!”

“Rather, Reverend Dolomite, I am of the opinion that this antler is actually an ivory tusk. It must have belonged to a wholly mammoth creature.”

“Curse you! What have you done? My Crab is stuck in this tar pit! The eight pointy toed legs are all trapped in the tar’s tenacious suction! You will pay for this, Ichabod Temperance! I put the cost at nine thousand, seven hundred and thirty-something dollars, ... and your puny life, you wretch!”

“I call them some bold words fer a man with a case of the sticky crabs.”

“I do not require mechanical contraptions to exercise my indomitable might! I shall exterminate you all with my VooDoo magic!”

“Look, the devil is climbing out o’ his cauck-pit to stand atop his bogged bug. His stalled steamer is his platform as he turns sideways to us. I dinnae be liking the strange workings o’ his hands. They appear tae be weaving a dangerous spell.”

“You groveling grubs! You do the wiggle worm to propel yourselves along the tar pit’s watery surface, but you cannot escape my fearful flings of flaming fury.”

“Sku Le’Bizzarre is a holding a ball of flame in his cupped hands, y’all!”

“My VooDoo fireball do I present to you! Bon appet’ite!”

“My word, the fellow lifts one knee high into the air as he concurrently draws his cupped hands up to his ear. Kicking out with the chambered knee he rotates his shoulders casting his arm in a far flung fling. Releasing first with his left and then with his right hand he pitches his infernal sphere at our imperiled position, I say!”

WAH-HAH-WHOO
O
OOSH!!!

KAH-BOOOM!!!

KER-BOOOOGE!!!

“Eee-yowch! Those three sounds, that is the throw of the fireball, its accompanying explosion and then the unexpected even bigger explosion of the petroleum gases that were lingering in the air. This pitch is petrol based and that VooDoo fireball touched off an explosion much bigger than Sku Le’Bizzare was expectin’ I think. Lucky for us, when Mr. Sku Le’Bizzare threw his fireball, we were already lying face down in the water pooled on top of this tarry mess.”

“Aiieeeiiii!”
-ploop-

“My word, Monsieur Le’Bizzare was not so fortunate as he received the entire brunt of that gaseous fireball explosion while fully exposed atop his tar toed transport. It appears that the flames, concussive blast, and resulting discomfort have caused the Mystique to lose his balance and fall headfirst into the dangerous muck along with the rest of us, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I reckon it behooves us to ‘wiggle worm’ our way back to his position, so clearly marker-buoyed by the ungentlemanly gentleman’s flailing feet and legs, and yank him out.”

“I say, let us pull Sku’LeBizzare free of the tar’s tenacious embrace, and welcome him back to incarceration, shall we gentlemen? Good show, rather, hear, hear!”

P.O.V. Miss Persephone Plumtartt

“Mr. Temperance, there you are! I have been looking all over the hotel for you. I was most dismayed when you did not arrive at my door to escort me to breakfast. I found myself most famished after our exertions from last night. Mr. Temperance? Are you listening to me, sir?”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

“Very good. As you were not at hand to attend my morning meal, I proceeded without your accompaniment. I then went to search you out. Did you know that you are a difficult man to locate at times, Mr. Temperance?”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

“Yes, well, I was unable to locate you at the firearms merchants, the steam-carriage distributors, nor the blacksmiths. I know I must have visited a dozen or more hardware stores inquiring about you. Did you know that I was unable to locate you at any of these, your normal places of haunt and entertainment?”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

“Indeed, sir, I sought you out at various chemysts, alchemysts, and apothecysts. I finally thought to check the hotel basement and here you are.”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

“I was wondering, could you offer an explanation for your, what some may construe as rude, if they did not know the person involved, behaviours?”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

…

“Mr. Temperance, I am awaiting that affirmed explanation.”

“That’s nice, Miss Plumtartt.”

“I am sure that the piles of notes around you are very absorbing and I do hate to interrupt your thought processes, but I do so wish that you could tear yourself away just long enough to look up from your frantic scribbling to grant me a glancing moment of eye contact?”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

…

“Mr. Temperance?”

…

“Mr. Temperance?”

...

“That’s nice, Miss Plumtartt.”

…

“I see. Perhaps I shall inhale, drawing in breath until my head swells to the size of a Montgolfier balloon. At that time I should expect it to burst like some grotesque pinata, releasing thousands of  storks, toucans and parakeets with a billowing bouquet of colour in flight. Would this be a fitting spectacle to draw your attention from your studies, eh, hem?”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

“Oh, splendid. Now I am not impelled to hold my breath until hordes of winged apes are forcefully ejected from my posterior, eh, hem?”

“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”

“That is just delightful. I go now to shed all my clothing and to ride as Lady Godiva through the streets of Los Angelos. Doesn’t that sound nice, Mr. Temperance?”

“That’s nice Miss Plumtartt.”

-slam!-

Oh! That boy infuriates me sometimes! I can see and understand that my Mr. Temperance is busy with some sort of scientific quandary or another, but I require a little attention as well! Yes! Hear, hear. I say, even if just to myself.

Oh, I do so dislike going about without an escort, even if I am a modern and liberated woman. This is 1877! If I wish to walk about this city by myself, I have every right!

Oh, but I am frightfully inept at gaining the attention of these busy cab drivers. I am absolutely not about to go back inside and ask for Mr. Temperance’s help in this. Not that he would hear my pleas anyway.

“Hear, hear! Cab driver! Yoo, hoo!”

Drat.

“Oh, Hansom! Cabbie! Taxi! Limousine service?”

Pooh.

“Hello, driver!”

Oh! Good, this cab is stopping for me...

“Nnnyeah, move it toots. I’m snaggin’ ’dis cab, see?”

My word, an awful man has brusquely cut me off and is stealing the cab that I had struggled so hard to hail for myself.

“I beg your pardon, sir, but this cab stopped for me!”

“Clam up, girlie, I’m an important man, see? I need this cab more than you. What are you? Some ditzy skirt, that’s all.”

The cad is in the process of opening the door for himself when it is forcefully slammed shut again by a fast moving black clad arm.

“Hey!”

“Hay is for horses, my rude mannered chum.”

A tall dark, handsome hunk of smiling manhood is confronting the taxi taker bully on my behalf.

“Dis is my cab, see? Let it go, fancy pants.”

“
Fauncy Paunt
s
! Hauh, hauh! Oh, how I do adore your American idioms and euphemisms! Hear, hear! Fauncy Paunts! No, I am afraid you are in the wrong here my good man. The cab stopped for
‘The Lady’
.
You would be wise to withdraw before there is, an unpleasantness.”

“Grrr... grumble...
grumble...
grumble...
grumble....

“My dear, I hope this less than spectacular example of our host’s country has caused you no distress. I heard the melodious intonations of a fellow British citizen and the urge to step forward and lend what assistance I could when I saw you treated in such an uncivilized manner was an irresistible compulsion. Please forgive me if I was overly presumptuous, my fair lady.”

“No forgiveness is necessary, good Sir Knight. Far from it, the intrusion brought much relief to my sensibilities. Your timing was spot on, sir. Rather, I say, it was a magnificent display of chivalry that is all too uncommon in this hectic day and age. The only trouble we are suffering from now is that we have no one to introduce us to each other.”

“My dear woman! You are correct my child! What a dreadful quandary, for I find myself more and more enchanted by your charms as the precious seconds of our contact fly past. Hauh! I have it! By Jove! This idea in my mind is just mad enough to work! Please grant me the chance of enacting the wild scheme I have suddenly concocted. You there, flower girl! Yes, my dirty faced child, you! Bring me a tasteful armload of your assorted best! Ah! That’s it! Splendid! Now then, young flower girl, my name is Kit Eppington. I shall buy these flowers from you. Good! Now, I shall ask you to ask the aristocratic beauty standing before you in her immaculate, and fashionable white dress, what her name should happen to be?”

“Uh, Miss? Wha’s ya name?”

“Persephone Plumtartt, my dear.”

“She sez ’er naime iz Puhsifuny Pwumtauhtmuhdee-ah.”

“Fantastic young lady! And now if you could pass my name on to her as well?”

“Kit Somethington.”

“Superb! Thank you, Eliza! Outstanding assistance, my dear. Here is a handsome recompense. Cheerio, my dear!”

“Oh, my, thank you suh!”

“Now, Miss Persephone Plumtartt, I have a confession. I am not really much of a flower appreciative sort of chap. May I present you with this bouquet?”

“Why, of course Mr. Eppington.”

“Your carriage awaits, Miss Plumtartt. If I am not too presumptuous, may I please escort you to your next destination? I would feel less than chivalrous if I did not.”

“Why of course, Mr. Eppington. As it is, I was planning on doing a little dress shopping.”

“Dress shopping! Miss Plumtartt, I have a confession. Yes, I have a painful admission of a dubious weakness. One of my greatest pleasures in life is to accompany a beautiful young lady when she is on a dress buying jihad. Would I be too far out of line if I were to ask if I may accompany you in this exercise? Perhaps I could even share the observations of my own critiques to your expedition.”

“Why Mr. Eppington, I would be delighted to enjoy both your company and your distinguished opinions on my wardrobe selections.”

“How charming, Miss Plumtartt. May I ask a personal question? I am very good at placing accents. Tell me, did you develop yours in Crimpenmestylenshire?”

“As a matter of fact, yes! I would have thought I had lost all trace of that rural peculiarity of speech.”

“The throaty use of your ‘r’s’ is a primary indicator. Otherwise it was a lucky guess, hauh, hauh!”

“Ha, ha!”

“Miss Plumtartt, I do wish to prevail upon you in one other matter if I may?”

“Of course, sir. And what would that be?”

“I would be the happiest man in Los Angelos if I could have you address me as ‘Kit’.”

“Well then, Kit it is! You, sir, are invited to address me as ‘Persephone’ as well, if it pleases you.”

“If it pleases me! Hauh! Every atom of my being thrills at the prospect, Persephone. Hauh! I do believe I have chill bumps. How extraordinary!”

“Here we are at our destination. ‘Madame Whalebone’s Couturier de Couturiers’.”

“Please allow me to assist you down from the carriage, Persephone.”

Did I just see sunlight sparkle from both his eyes and his perfect teeth?

“How considerate. Not all men are as thoughtful as you, sir. Thank you, Kit.”

---

“Ho, ho, ho! Oh Kit! You say the most outrageous things! You naughty man, behave yourself, sir!”

“This
is
me behaving myself, Persephone, darling. You should see me when I misbehave.”

“Ho, ho! I don’t think I could withstand such an onslaught of sparkling conversation and razor sharp wit, you charming raconteur.”

“Nonsense, Persephone, you are far too modest. I have had the most pleasant afternoon I can recall in the longest time. To accompany you on your shopping spree to dress boutiques, lady haberdasheries, and beauty salons has been an unimagined treat. You are so kind to extend the invitation into early evening to share dinner with me at this, the finest restaurant in Los Angelos, ‘The Coconut Copse’.”

“The experience has been divine, Kit. Your stylish and tailored clothing is of an unmatched quality. The flat brimmed hat you wear is most becoming, but it is the shine of silver thread in your fashionable and shiny vest, contrasting with the fine black suit of clothes you wear, that continually catches my eye as it reflects the light wherever we go. Tell me, how do you make your living, sir?”

“Please suffer no illusions, Persephone. I am first and foremost a vagabond, I am afraid. I have no home, just the eternal road before me. I am a professional card player, madame. I make my living from my nerve, my brains, and the ability to read a person’s mind by keen observation of their body’s language for tell-tale hints as to what sort of card hand they carry. As you can see, I have enjoyed some amount of positive gains in my accomplishments at the gaming tables. Though I am a riverboat gambler and a roaming international vagabond, I do consider myself to be a particularly good and successful rakish rogue.”

“My word, I should say so, indeed.”

“Now please tell me more of yourself, Persephone.”

“Oh Kit, there’s really not too much to tell really. I come from a long line of Plumtartts. You may have heard of my family’s factories and shipyards by that proud name. Our ancestral home in Elderberry Pond is synonymous with that picturesque locale. I have not always spent much time there for I grew up in various schools about the country and continent. It may be noted that I count myself as one of those thousands of people that were affected so strangely by the passing of the ‘Revelatory Comet’.”

“You’re not serious! But of course. I am ashamed I did not figure that out for myself. The ‘Revelatory Comet’! What a a thrilling time that was. Sailing through the Celestial fox-tail of the comet sparked a flame of genius and talent in a multitude of people around the world. What an incredible wave of invention has swept our globe! I am given to understand that even some animals were affected in this miraculous passage. This is fascinating, Persephone. Please tell me more!”

“Well Kit, not only am I affected intellectually by the ‘Revelatory Comet’ but my family’s bloodline carries with it a preternatural quality. My father was also a Comet affectee. The Comet’s effect was not a good one. It released an unreasoning madness. His brilliant scientific experiments were combined with unfortunate occult influences. During one such experiment, there was an accident resulting in an explosion. I was bathed in an elemental beam of radiation. This atomic ray awakened a power that had lain dormant within me. Circumstances over the past few years have led me to hone this power into a weapon. I can, upon the appropriate occasion, generate scarlet spheres of combustible light. This is primarily a force best used against a supernatural foe as it is not always effective otherwise, more the pity.”

“That is fantastic! You are an extraordinary woman, Persephone Plumtartt! Why has there not been some handsome gallant swoop in to sweep you off your feet to go off and live happily ever after?”

“I say, I sometimes wonder that myself. No, I must tell you, Kit. I have had a chaste and honorable romantic liaison for over two years now. I grow apprehensive that our relationship will never advance to a more meaningful plateau.”

“Is he a ‘Revelatory Comet’ affected person as you are, Persephone?”

“Yes, Kit, he is.”

“Then what hope do I have of pursuing a relationship with you? I cannot compete with one such as he.”

“Ho, ho! No, Kit, if you only knew! He is a pale shadow of a man like you, Kit Eppington! Oh! Oh, no, I’m sorry, I should not have said that. I am a bit exasperated with him of late, I think. Perhaps it’s time for you to get me back to the hotel.”